Alia_alia Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Long thread title, but explains it all. My own theory, is that the more good looking a couple is (or your SO specifically), the more sides of what we call "love" you can feel and the more frustration insecurities and suffering. This comes from the very basic fact that if you're a good looking couple, you will constantly both have options around you. There will always be some girl(s) (who might not even be evil, like we like to imagine), that will try to create a connection with your man and there is a greater chance of him creating a better connection with someone else than with you, just because of the simple fact that he has the option. That keeps you always on your feet and turns you into a love-feeling machine that has to go between moments of bliss and anxious moments of frustration. Basically the better the high, the lower the down. Therefore I really think that dating "a bit" down in looks and "a bit" high in personality compatibility might work best for your long term sanity and happiness. Just my own observations from a 2 year relationship, a 6 year one and a 6-month dating term. Just an observation. Cheers,
JuneJulySeptember Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Long thread title, but explains it all. My own theory, is that the more good looking a couple is (or your SO specifically), the more sides of what we call "love" you can feel and the more frustration insecurities and suffering. This comes from the very basic fact that if you're a good looking couple, you will constantly both have options around you. There will always be some girl(s) (who might not even be evil, like we like to imagine), that will try to create a connection with your man and there is a greater chance of him creating a better connection with someone else than with you, just because of the simple fact that he has the option. That keeps you always on your feet and turns you into a love-feeling machine that has to go between moments of bliss and anxious moments of frustration. Basically the better the high, the lower the down. Therefore I really think that dating "a bit" down in looks and "a bit" high in personality compatibility might work best for your long term sanity and happiness. Just my own observations from a 2 year relationship, a 6 year one and a 6-month dating term. Just an observation. Cheers, Decent theory overall. I'm not sure about the suffering part though. Good looking people can go out and snag rebounds and long term relationships right after they get cheated on, dumped, and processed. Whatever happens to them. They have options as you said. Unattractive people get rejected and can still find nobody to date and then get to watch the people who rejected them enter into flings and relationships. So, no they don't have it worse than unattractive people. 3
KungFuJoe Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I can say with UTMOST certainty that this does not apply to my relationship. Together for 13 years and you won't find a more loyal, trusting and happy couple. There has never been a case of someone else getting in the middle...not even remotely. And it's DEFINITELY not from lack of options. It's just that all the other options pale miserably in comparison to what we already have. 3
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Disagree. Good looking people have had many options their whole life. So having options does nothing for them. It's their "baseline". They know how to value genuine connection over just another body. 7
Author Alia_alia Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 KungFuJoe, mind if I see a picture JuneJuly, I believe that average people get used to it, from being rejected more, they LEARN to not invest so much emotionally. I.e Average looking person - 3-4 Crushes in high school. Crushes don't care about you. Develop. 4-5 Crushes in college. You get friendzoned. Develop. Settle down for someone average that you know is good for you and you can be happy with. Good looking person - Crush in high school. Fall in love. 2 years of rollercoaster feelings. He cheats on you. You get to the lowest of the lowest. You fall in love with another guy to forget him. After 5-6 years there's nothing of that "crush irrational love" that made you fall for each other. You leave and seek another crush. Point being, you never learn from rejection. Once again: Average looking person - crushes - gets punished (rejected) in repetition. After a while you don't seek the crush anymore. Good looking person - crushes - gets rewarded (accepted) rollercoaster feelings. After a while you want to feel the crush to get this "high" of the rollercoaster feelings because that's what has been reinforced in your brain.
ThaWholigan Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Disagree. Good looking people have had many options their whole life. So having options does nothing for them. It's their "baseline". They know how to value genuine connection over just another body. I hear you, but this assumes that unattractive people are unlikely to appreciate what they have and are likely to trade up at any given point because they have had a boost in options. I don't think someones looks are a clear indicator to ones loyalty in a relationship - but that's just me.
GoodOnPaper Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Therefore I really think that dating "a bit" down in looks and "a bit" high in personality compatibility might work best for your long term sanity and happiness. Finding a formula to maximize attraction and minimize competition sounds good in theory but it doesn't work in practice -- I tried. Can you really find someone you're crazy attracted to that you don't think anyone else would want? You'll either settle or have to deal with potential competition.
Divasu Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Have to disagree with you here too OP. How a person 'loves', their 'capacity' to love, 'cope', etc., is totally dependent on their psychological and physiological wiring. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I hear you, but this assumes that unattractive people are unlikely to appreciate what they have and are likely to trade up at any given point because they have had a boost in options. I don't think someones looks are a clear indicator to ones loyalty in a relationship - but that's just me. Bolded was my experience. But you are right, not all unattractive people are insecure or lack confidence. I agree with your second point. Capacity to love and be loyal has nothing to do with looks.
KungFuJoe Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 KungFuJoe, mind if I see a picture imgur: the simple image sharer This pic was taken this past xmas at a party we went to (it was a bow tie party and I had to get a vest in a hurry which explains why it doesn't exactly fit right). It is quite literally the most recent pics we have taken...no cherry picking for the best pics I could find of us from the last 13 years. I think I'm ok looking...whatever. My wife thinks I'm the hottest thing around and I'm glad her vision isn't the greatest. But, look at my wife...she's freakin gorgeous. This woman has been hit on so many freakin times...I lost count way back in the beginning. And she is the most loyal, awesome woman a man could ask for. She's 36, btw. Definitely no jealousy issues or wandering eyes between us. 5
ThaWholigan Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Bolded was my experience. But you are right, not all unattractive people are insecure or lack confidence. I agree with your second point. Capacity to love and be loyal has nothing to do with looks. Seen. I do understand why you came to that conclusion - much like the people who say unattractive people have it far worse.
JuneJulySeptember Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 (edited) imgur: the simple image sharer This pic was taken this past xmas at a party we went to (it was a bow tie party and I had to get a vest in a hurry which explains why it doesn't exactly fit right). It is quite literally the most recent pics we have taken...no cherry picking for the best pics I could find of us from the last 13 years. I think I'm ok looking...whatever. My wife thinks I'm the hottest thing around and I'm glad her vision isn't the greatest. But, look at my wife...she's freakin gorgeous. This woman has been hit on so many freakin times...I lost count way back in the beginning. And she is the most loyal, awesome woman a man could ask for. She's 36, btw. Definitely no jealousy issues or wandering eyes between us. Good looking couple. You're a lucky man! I'm always wondering why guys say that BTW. And now I know it's because to snag a woman in their league, the guy has to put in some work. Thus, he's lucky. I do think you guys are about even. But she probably has a lot more options than you. Edited January 8, 2013 by JuneJulySeptember 1
SmileFace Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 (edited) imgur: the simple image sharer This pic was taken this past xmas at a party we went to (it was a bow tie party and I had to get a vest in a hurry which explains why it doesn't exactly fit right). It is quite literally the most recent pics we have taken...no cherry picking for the best pics I could find of us from the last 13 years. I think I'm ok looking...whatever. My wife thinks I'm the hottest thing around and I'm glad her vision isn't the greatest. But, look at my wife...she's freakin gorgeous. This woman has been hit on so many freakin times...I lost count way back in the beginning. And she is the most loyal, awesome woman a man could ask for. She's 36, btw. Definitely no jealousy issues or wandering eyes between us. Cutest couple ever!! Edited January 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
KungFuJoe Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Good looking couple. You're a lucky man! I'm always wondering why guys say that BTW. And now I know it's because to snag a woman in their league, the guy has to put in some work. Thus, he's lucky. I do think you guys are about even. But she probably has a lot more options than you. Thanks. I know I'm a very lucky man. But she is also a very lucky woman. This may come as a surprise but she came onto me first. So I didn't really have to work at all. When she wants something, she gets it. 3
Maneater Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Thanks. I know I'm a very lucky man. But she is also a very lucky woman. This may come as a surprise but she came onto me first. So I didn't really have to work at all. When she wants something, she gets it. Good outlook to have!
xxoo Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Capacity to love and be loyal has nothing to do with looks. Exactly. Looks define neither character nor common sense. 3
Mrlonelyone Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Finding a formula to maximize attraction and minimize competition sounds good in theory but it doesn't work in practice -- I tried. Can you really find someone you're crazy attracted to that you don't think anyone else would want? You'll either settle or have to deal with potential competition. I have learned in my life that no one is so unattractive that they have zero options. There are some basic ground rules to attraction but even those are flexible. One womans short pimply unattractive guy, is another womans funny guy with a nice smile. One mans fat ugly woman is another mans sweet woman who's a good cook. The problem I see is that many people want to apply linear logic to something as nonlinear as human behavior and love. They want to say if I have measurements B W H with a W/H ratio of Z and H tall or shoulders S wide I'd have love. Only to find that it may bring them sexual attention not love. Or worse, people who will love them for their look not who they are. What stops many of us is simply our mental blockage. 2
Els Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Your entire theory is based on a premise that how someone feels in their relationship and how much investment they put into it is completely dependent on how many 'other options' their partner has. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. I would go so far as to say that this is so wrong that anybody should think twice about being in a relationship with someone who subscribes to this sort of mentality. If jealousy and fear of 'losing him/her to competition' are the strongest motivators in your relationship, you don't have much of a relationship to begin with. And if you think having an extremely good-looking partner is the recipe to 'bliss', well, I hate to burst your bubble again. 2
GorillaTheater Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 imgur: the simple image sharer This pic was taken this past xmas at a party we went to (it was a bow tie party and I had to get a vest in a hurry which explains why it doesn't exactly fit right). It is quite literally the most recent pics we have taken...no cherry picking for the best pics I could find of us from the last 13 years. I think I'm ok looking...whatever. My wife thinks I'm the hottest thing around and I'm glad her vision isn't the greatest. Damn man, how'd you snag an absolute hottie like that? Reminds me of Art Critic. And me. 1
Author Alia_alia Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 To everyone who thinks I am making assumptions of personality based on looks. I am not!. Read my second post (4th or 5th reply). I think the way a person develops in the early crushes of his/her life (accepting or rejecting a person early on in his/her life, means pretty much rewarding or punishing his/her crush), reinforces him or her to crush more or be more in control of their feelings. And yes for your partner to have more options means your relationship is more at risk. (If you were the last people on the planet there would be 0 risk)
rys Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Thanks. I know I'm a very lucky man. But she is also a very lucky woman. This may come as a surprise but she came onto me first. So I didn't really have to work at all. When she wants something, she gets it. yep, agree-good looking couple and you both look very happy 1
Els Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 To everyone who thinks I am making assumptions of personality based on looks. I am not!. Read my second post (4th or 5th reply). I think the way a person develops in the early crushes of his/her life (accepting or rejecting a person early on in his/her life, means pretty much rewarding or punishing his/her crush), reinforces him or her to crush more or be more in control of their feelings. And yes for your partner to have more options means your relationship is more at risk. (If you were the last people on the planet there would be 0 risk) The greatest risk component for cheating to happen in a R is the personality and moral integrity of you and your partner, as well as the strength of your relationship. If your partner is the sort to cheat or if they just aren't interested in an exclusive relationship, it doesn't matter how good-looking they are, they could hire a prostitute if they needed.
Divasu Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 My sister and her husband sometimes poke fun at one another over this (together for 11 years, married for 10). You would not find a more devoted husband and father and wife/mother. But they joke around who would get remarried first if they were to ever break up. Both are extremely good looking, her husband is a former model before he became a top pharm sales manager. He is always traveling and meeting with clients so he most certainly has more of an opportunity to but he is in love with his wife and is pretty solid in his wiring (IE: loyal). 1
TouchedByViolet Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Better looks equate to more opportunity. Whether a person acts on certain opportunities is completely unrelated IME. Overall, better looking people have it much easier in finding someone who wants to sleep with them or be in a relationship. Some manage to become their own worse enemies but in those cases they are the masters of their own destiny so I have little sympathy.
xxoo Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Good looking person - Crush in high school. Fall in love. 2 years of rollercoaster feelings. He cheats on you. You get to the lowest of the lowest. You fall in love with another guy to forget him. After 5-6 years there's nothing of that "crush irrational love" that made you fall for each other. You leave and seek another crush. Point being, you never learn from rejection. Once again: Average looking person - crushes - gets punished (rejected) in repetition. After a while you don't seek the crush anymore. Good looking person - crushes - gets rewarded (accepted) rollercoaster feelings. After a while you want to feel the crush to get this "high" of the rollercoaster feelings because that's what has been reinforced in your brain. Why does the good looking person in love automatically get cheated on in your scenario? That's not always how it happens! Some attractive people can actually feel passion and manage relationships.
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