Mari86 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 My husband and I would be celebrating our 6 yr wedding anniversary on Feb 16. He has been deployed since June 2012 and will be returning home on Feb 1. I am currently out of state visiting family for the holidays. On New Years Day, he sent me an email saying he had fallen out of love with me. That he has been trying for a long time to convince himself to stay with me and he felt like we were just friends who were married. Up until 2 weeks ago we were making plans for our future and for our reunion this month. He neve stopped telling me how much he loved me and how happy he was with me. I have asked him to do counseling and he says that that would not change what was in his heart. He is now flat out refusing it but finally gave in to me telling him to give me at least one session. He said he would give me one, but not to expect him to come back or even want to come back. Now I don't know if I even want that. What I'm struggling with now is whether I get the hell out of our house before he even gets there. Should I see him or not? Also, should I quit talking to him since very time I do he just tells me that he is sure of what he wants. We speak via messenger and FaceTime twice a day still. Will not talking him shock him into realizing I am done playing his game and make him ponder, or make things worse?
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Makes me wonder if he met someone else? He owes it to you to talk face to face! 1
Gunny376 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 As a retired United Stdates Marine Gunnery Sergeant ~ when you say he's deployed, it raises all kinds of qualifying questions? Is he deployed for a six month our twelve month tour, is he in the rear with the gear, or is he on the front line up in "tha' real world!" I ask because all different kinds of scererios come in to play? Is he Navy, Air Force, Marines Army?
Author Mari86 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 He is in the Army. His deployment will be 7 months when it is done, and all I can say is he is doing a lot of intelligence work that has him working 12-18 hr days. On top of that he is taking school courses.
Gunny376 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Enough said ~ all that need to be said! And you need say no more! I could may and may be wrong and I qualify any and all advice I may have to offer you with this ~ "The best advice I can ever give you? Is to NOT necessarily follow any advice that I could offer or give you!" With that said? Based upon my twenty years in the Corps ~ being deployed ~ yada ~ yada! He's caught up in at the very least and situational infatuation, emotional affair or full blown affair. In short? He's over-there, lonely, mentally, emotionally vulnerable and has gotten too friendly and close to and with a co-worker of the female persuasion. In short? He's caught up in an ill-rational and illogical "Fog" I write the following as if you were my own daughter ~ Go back to the duty station ~ with male family members in hand ~ rent a U-haul, move back home, move back in with the parents, start looking for a job, find a church to go to, pursue interests of yours, go back to school, get involved in your local community, start building a social network, ~ in short? Start a new life without him! As if he never exsisted and never was a part of your life! Meanwhile you go NC ~ No contact! You go and run silent and deep! No phone calls, no mail, no facebook, no texts, no anything! He'll get back statside and she'll give them the old "I got pregno by my HS Sweetheart" speech yada ~ yada or some other variatino there of! He'll come back begging ~ except your not playing his game! It don't come that easy! You've got to WANT it Mother-Trucker! You've got to earn it! You've got to work for it! You've got to desire it! You've got to deserve it! The only thing you've got to do? Is to learn how to say the words? "HOW LONG! HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON! HOW LONG? ENOUGH WITH YOU PISSING ON MY LEG AND TELLING ME ITS RAINING! ENOUGH WITH YOUR LYING! ENOUGH WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND THEIR FANCY PERSUASSION! HOW LONG! HOW LONG HAS THIS BEING GOING ON!" Then? Shut the Hell up and enjoy! 3
Balzac Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Gunny, that was brilliantly spoken. It's always good to read your plain spoken, lived n learned advice. You're full of compassion for us here on LS and we thank you. A man's man par excellence. 2
Gunny376 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Shut the Hell up and enjoy! What I meant by saying that is ~ You know he's lying, talking smack! By shutting up and just listening? Your just feeding him his own rope to hang himself! I would recommed a good cheese to go with all that "whine" when he wakes up and the "fog" lifts ~ when Mr. Reality bum rushes his azz from the back alley and the boys with a couple of Lousiville sluggers! Reality? What a concept!
Author Mari86 Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 My plan is to be out of here before he gets home. We have spoken a couple times but he will not utter a word about initiating divorce. I have my ducks in a row just in case he tries to do something when he gets back. He is being nicer to me every time we talk and all he can say is he is sorry for hurting me. I was a great wife, supportive and loving. I'm not sure what else he could have wanted. Thank you for your responses. My heart feels like it can neve be repaired again.
Gunny376 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I'd just take it slow, don't do anything rash. Put yourself in driver's seat of the relationship. "He who care the least ~ is the one that controls the relationship. Even if that's not you? Fake it as though it were. Give him a reasonable amount of time to decompress from the deployment, get at least re-acquainted back into "Here" in the "real" world. The affair if there was one? Could have been nothing more than a really close platonic relatonship? It could have been just a one-sided fantasy. I myself remember getting back from over-seas and cracking up over a damned cat food commerical! The folks at the Saint Louis terminal must have thought I had lost it I was laughing so hard at this damn cat food commercial, (We only got to see Armned Forces Network's government commercials while over seas!)
Gunny376 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Just a couple of military spouse related sites that pertain to your particular situation. Gunny 6 Steps Through A Deployment Divorce | Military.com 5 Things To Do if Military Marriage Is in Trouble | Military.com
Author Mari86 Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 Thank you very much for those. He will be coming home to an empty house but I won't be filing anything just yet. I'll be clear across the country.
Gunny376 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 When I last posted I had just gotten in from working at the "Death Camp", but I was thinking that at the very least you should hang on to your military spouse statusm military ID just for your health insurance and dental insurance benefits, not to mention commissary, PX, and MWR priviledges ~ especially if you guys have kids. A lot of spouses discount the commissary, PX benefits etc, but buying name brand groceries etc 30% less than out in town isn't nothing to turn your nose up at ~ especially if there's a sales tax out in the ville. Its like anything, you've got shop around, shop and compare, use coupuons, watch out for sales etc.
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