Beachbabe9109 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months now and things are great. We talk daily, see each other a few times a week, he's constantly complimenting me, we tell each other 'I love you' and he recently brought up something about the future. Everything is great. But sometimes I still worry and feel insecure. I don't know why. He doesn't give me any reason to feel that way and I'd really like to stop feeling this way. I don't express these feelings to him. I keep them mainly to myself, mostly because I know I'm just being silly and I don't want to appear insecure. Any helpful ideas? Thanks. We're in our 20's if that helps any.
Keenly Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 What kind of insecurity are you referring to? Is it lack of trust? Is it you are insecure about yourself? My ex had some pretty bad insecurities and they were not pleasant. Maybe I can help If I know more.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 What are you insecure about? What are you afraid is going to happen?
todreaminblue Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months now and things are great. We talk daily, see each other a few times a week, he's constantly complimenting me, we tell each other 'I love you' and he recently brought up something about the future. Everything is great. But sometimes I still worry and feel insecure. I don't know why. He doesn't give me any reason to feel that way and I'd really like to stop feeling this way. I don't express these feelings to him. I keep them mainly to myself, mostly because I know I'm just being silly and I don't want to appear insecure. Any helpful ideas? Thanks. We're in our 20's if that helps any. I dont know what your dating history is like, but sometimes if you have had a bad experience or not been able to trust someone you carry that baggage with you.....if you havent had dating experience and are in a first time relationship simply the fact of not knowing what to expect can cause insecurities , you dont know what the other person feels or thinks you have to go by what they tell you they think and feel if they aren't particularly open in the feelings stakes, that can cause insecurities to form......you just have to go with it, regardless of what anyone says about this, everyone has insecurities when dealing with others...you can have confidence while dealing with others though, doesnt mean there isnt a shadow of doubt there, that comes after years of knowing someone, gauging reactions knowing them mind body and soul even then things happen, externally, or internally, to prove the adage no one person is perfect but when you truly know someone you can almost hear there thoughts by what their facial expression is at the time...lol....and you can get them to open up.thats why i fidn beauty in long term relationships i like a deeper level of understanding that takes time...i like swimmign in deep water.....just dont look down though there are always shadows in deep water..some of them are sharks.smilin...eyes front now..... thats fro the distracting the sharkies...throw them a rabbit...kidding....... we werent meant to be perfect in any way,you will deal with your insecurities because you have to.You cant avoid them they are there, but eventually you learn to live with them and not let it destroy soemthing that is good.....if the relationship has justification to be insecure about, it will come out in the end or near the end dont hide your insecurities because then that lets the person know you are with that you are open even if isn't so positive you can make it positive by sharing and discussing what you are feeling this lets them know the real you and you get to know them because they feel free to do the same.... embrace all you feel, when you hide it you do implode...i have many times imploded and it has an affect on how i deal with things...i function better in a relationship where i feel i can be open and honest with everything good and bad...you are young and if you develop coping strategies they can stay with you for life and every relationship you have will benefit from learning to cope with negative thoughts or emotions and become relationships built on openness and honesty........best wishes.....hugs to ya.....deb
Author Beachbabe9109 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 What kind of insecurity are you referring to? Is it lack of trust? Is it you are insecure about yourself? My ex had some pretty bad insecurities and they were not pleasant. Maybe I can help If I know more. There is no lack of trust, I trust him completely. And no, I am not insecure about myself. I just mean insecure about his feelings, I guess. If he acts even slightly different than usual I worry. Then later I come to find out he was just worried about his job or something like that. I don't want to worry like that over nothing.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I just mean insecure about his feelings, I guess. If he acts even slightly different than usual I worry. Then later I come to find out he was just worried about his job or something like that. I don't want to worry like that over nothing. Do some reading about how to manage your own insecurity and anxiety. How much you worry (or not) is entirely up to you, as it originates in your own mind. If he's not doing anything to give you a reason to worry, and you're still worrying, then you just need to work on managing your own anxieties and fears. There are many methods to help with this - meditation, positive self-talk, deep breathing and other relaxing activities like yoga. Read a good starter book about Buddhism. There's lots of stuff there about being zen, in the moment, and free of worry. 1
tman666 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 There is no lack of trust, I trust him completely. And no, I am not insecure about myself. I just mean insecure about his feelings, I guess. If he acts even slightly different than usual I worry. Then later I come to find out he was just worried about his job or something like that. I don't want to worry like that over nothing. What do you think would happen to you if his feelings for you did change? My guess is that you'd probably be hurting for a while, but that eventually you'd bounce back and find a way to lead a happy and fulfilling life without him. In my opinion, relationships that consist of two individuals are always healthier and more balanced than relationships that exist due to codependency (whether it be emotional, financial, etc.). The problem is that people's feelings do change. I know people who have left their spouses after being married for 30 years. Just like with most things in life, there are no guarantees in relationships. Who knows? His feelings for you could change in a few years (or for that matter, your feelings for him could change). You also might get married, buy a house, have 10 kids, and grow old together. There's no way to tell for certain. I'm not saying that one should ignore red flags. But it does sound like you guys have a good, albeit budding, relationship so far! Enjoy it for what it is, do your best to maintain and improve the relationship, but learn to be your own balanced individual within the context of the relationship.
newmoon Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 There is no lack of trust, I trust him completely. And no, I am not insecure about myself. I just mean insecure about his feelings, I guess. If he acts even slightly different than usual I worry. Then later I come to find out he was just worried about his job or something like that. I don't want to worry like that over nothing. maybe you don't feel good enough for him in some way? or perhaps you're trying too hard to keep/please him and you're not truly being yourself? so, if he finds that out, you're at risk, so to speak, of him moving on? you said you're not insecure about yourself, but if you're having these types of thoughts and anxieties then you really are. it's something you have to work on privately - like through exercises - spiritual or otherwise to build up your own worth. often, insecurities often arise in people who are less affectionate/demonstrative than normal or who grew up in a situation where affection wasn't shown, so you don't know how to observe it in others and accept that it's there for you without being worried it'll go away
sabre80 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I often wonder if identifying "THE ONE" is how he or she melts insecurities. I am a confident guy (at least I call myself that). In fact most call me arrogant (hey I can't help it you would be arrogant too if you knew you were better than everyone else). But we all have insecurities. But this girl I am seeing now manages to make me feel completely secure in myself. Maybe its just the fact that she is a psychiatrist and is able to see through my overt cockiness as a mask to my insecurities. I guess the thought process is. . . when you look at all the lists and line items of that ideal woman at the top should be how secure she makes you feel. For example my ex cheated on me. Her ex cheated on her. But I just do not think about the possibility of her cheating on me. And I hope its a mutual feeling. Anyway rambling thoughts.
Author Beachbabe9109 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 I often wonder if identifying "THE ONE" is how he or she melts insecurities. I am a confident guy (at least I call myself that). In fact most call me arrogant (hey I can't help it you would be arrogant too if you knew you were better than everyone else). But we all have insecurities. But this girl I am seeing now manages to make me feel completely secure in myself. Maybe its just the fact that she is a psychiatrist and is able to see through my overt cockiness as a mask to my insecurities. I guess the thought process is. . . when you look at all the lists and line items of that ideal woman at the top should be how secure she makes you feel. For example my ex cheated on me. Her ex cheated on her. But I just do not think about the possibility of her cheating on me. And I hope its a mutual feeling. Anyway rambling thoughts. I don't really get what you're saying. If I understood correctly, you're saying that you're significant other should make you feel secure in the relationship. That's understandable. Should I talk to him about that then? Or is that not what you meant? I don't know if talking about insecurities like that is bad.. although he is always asking me what's on my mind and wants me to tell him whatever is bothering me.
Author Beachbabe9109 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 And an example would be yesterday. He was off. I knew because I over heard him tell someone, not because he told me. And we ALWAYS hang out on his days off. Almost 100%. We have been spending more time together lately, because of the holidays, so I don't know if he just needed a day to himself. He did text me a few times yesterday, but after a couple texts he stopped replying. So basically that ^ left me feeling weird. And that is what I am asking for for help in this thread.
mammasita Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 And an example would be yesterday. He was off. I knew because I over heard him tell someone, not because he told me. And we ALWAYS hang out on his days off. Almost 100%. We have been spending more time together lately, because of the holidays, so I don't know if he just needed a day to himself. He did text me a few times yesterday, but after a couple texts he stopped replying. So basically that ^ left me feeling weird. And that is what I am asking for for help in this thread. You can approach something like that a couple ways 1) I overheard that you have the day off. Do you have any plans? 2) Hey do you have to work tomorrow? Nip it in the bud. Otherwise you're left feeling weird and insecure. Secondly, insecurity stems from self confidence/self esteem. How is your self esteem? Do you have your own set of friends? What was stopping you from going and doing something fun on your own with YOUR friends yesterday?
edgygirl Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 OP I have the same problem and I tend to think this is deeper than the relationship itself. Have you heard the term Fear of Abandonment? The problem is this usually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy I think it goes back to how we were raised and our first 3 years. I have these irrational feelings too, I remember when I had a boyfriend at 15 I told him "Let me know when you feel like breaking up with me so I do it before you"... this when there was NOTHING wrong with the relationship. In bigger or smaller degrees I've been doing the same in all my relationships. Did you have any emotionally absent parent as a child or were you separated back then from someone whom you had a strong attachment to (grandmother, sibling, etc)?
Author Beachbabe9109 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 I don't have separation issues. One thing I forgot to mention. This happened first when we first began dating. I talked to him about it, and we talked. He told me what he loved about me and how he felt. It was nice and I was good until now. I just want to know how to get rid of this insecurity. There is no reason for it.
mammasita Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I just want to know how to get rid of this insecurity. There is no reason for it. Find hobbies and friends outside of him. He shouldn't be your sole source of happiness. I get insecure too, but going out with my friends and doing things that I enjoy independent of my studmuffin helps immensely.
sabre80 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I don't really get what you're saying. If I understood correctly, you're saying that you're significant other should make you feel secure in the relationship. That's understandable. Should I talk to him about that then? Or is that not what you meant? I don't know if talking about insecurities like that is bad.. although he is always asking me what's on my mind and wants me to tell him whatever is bothering me. Sorry Beachbabe I really wasn't giving advice per say but just a pondering thought with no real conclusion. Yes I think that your partner should help dissolve insecurities. But I would not really recommend talking about insecurities unless there is real trust.
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