Why does dating seem so complicated?

[loxagos_snake]

First of all, hello everyone! I'm new in this forum and this is my first post, so I'll introduce myself briefly. I'm 20 years old and currently studying science in University. I also work part time at my father's cafeteria/bar as a bartender, and take kickboxing classes. I'm not the most extroverted person in the world, but I have a few good friends -mostly male ones, but also some girls- that I wouldn't change.

 

First of all, excuse me if the question gets too lengthy, one of my hobbies is writing short fiction stories so I tend to get too descriptive! I was always a shy and quiet kid, especially in middle school. For some years, I wasn't that interested in girls, meaning not that I wasn't attracted to them, I just thought video games and other activities were more fun. As I got around 16, this of course changed. I started viewing girls as potential girlfriends, but unfortunately, my old ways had made me too shy and sociophobic for that. I mean, every girl in my class thought I was a nice and kind guy, but I doubt any of them saw me in romantic light. Somehow, in the last grade, an old love interest (a younger girl; I was almost 18 and she was 15) found me attractive again, and we started dating. Yes, she became my first girlfriend. We actually got into a relationship for the next two years. We did many things together for the first time, and needless to say, one of them was sex. It wasn't the smoothest relationship in the world, though; I'm very insecure on one end, she was very provocative on the other, and I just couldn't trust her, so it ended about a year ago.

 

After that, I thought things would be much simpler now: I was with a girl for two years, got acquainted with the female body and mind, so how would it be hard to date again? I did get together with two girls after that, but only for a couple of dates because I simply wasn't interested. My psychology is strange now. I am very insecure and went back to shy again. I find it hard to talk to girls, and even if I do, I get disappointed at the slightest clue of rejection. I know, I'm expecting too much from girls, but many things came to shape my opinion -which is false and I'm trying to put away- that all things dating related are black and white; the girl either wants you at first sight or she doesn't. What those things are? 'Expert' dating advice, like 'don't do this or you'll end up looking desperate or in the friendzone or this or that'. I came to think of dating as a complicated set of right things you have to do to get the girl. One wrong move and she will get turned off by you and ruin all your chances. For example, I met a rather interesting girl on New Year's Eve. Actually, I had met her a few days ago when two friends visited me at work, but didn't get to converse with her. So, at first, she starts talking to me. I get excited, then we talk a little bit, she laughs, and all is good. Then, sudden pause. She gets moody out of nowhere (later I found out she recently broke up), I try to get her to dance by asking her for help with my hopeless dancing, to which she responds 'Nah, it's OK you don't know how to dance...'. I interpreted this as 'Sorry, you are too boring for me to dance with you, let's leave it for another time.'. That's just one example. I was beating myself all night, regretting asking her to dance and trying to find what I said that was wrong and broke the deal.

 

This gets me to my next issue: my strange psychology. I'm a heavy over-thinker, and I tend to analyze everything. I will beat myself up to see what went wrong with this girl, or making up strategies to proceed with that girl, trying to avoid all mistakes on the way. Also, as strange as this might sound for a guy who practices martial arts, I'm scared of some girls! Not physically, of course...but my ex has given me some nice scars on that. I remember calling her after a fight to just talk and see things through, and a couple of times a friend of her would answer her phone and talk very harshly to me. So I kind of view all younger girls as overly defensive, ready to go at me if I try to ask them out because they will think I only have nasty things in my mind.

 

The main point is...I'm really harmless. I'm a helpless romantic and I love showing that to a girl. I can get very picky, because I can only flirt a girl that will take my breath away, but at the same time I'm not attracted to what most men are. I prefer a feminine, playful but reserved girl than one of those who make themselves up to the point of stupidity and are considered 'sex symbols'. I do enjoy sexuality as every person does, and while there are times that I would only be interested in sex, if I'm in love with a girl this is only a huge extra for me that I often forget about. I believe I'm the least decent and cute in looks -although many female friends insist I'm actually handsome, I don't know-, I can be very funny when I open up and I like being good mannered.

 

I decided to ask for advice here because the community seems nice. I don't want to be a player or anything. Every time I try to take up a different personality trait like being more flirty it fails, so I'd like to be more successful with girls while keeping my character. Thank you in advance for your advice!

[normal person]

I think you're on the right track if you're trying to shake the "black and whiteness" of dating. There's no flow chart of right things to say or do that you can follow, because every girl is going to have different tastes. What magnetizes some might repulse others and vice versa.

 

Some qualities are universally appealing: Confidence, humor, charm, intrigue, modesty, warmth, generosity, talent, etc

I'm not suggesting you try and adopt a trait, but if these are at all present in your personality, you should find tasteful ways to accentuate them. Conversely, don't dwell on your insecurities.

 

In some cases, you're right to think "one wrong move and she will get turned off by you and ruin all your chances" -- but the only thing that's bad about this is letting it limit your confidence or how you go about what you're doing. That sentiment may be true for some girls who don't care for that one move. Some might find your dancing endearing or funny. So go about it with confidence and don't sweat if one of the 3 billion isn't swooning about it.

 

"Being yourself" may very well ruin your chances with some girls but may bolster them with others. It's a good, organic way of sifting through people. You'll never attract every woman there is no matter how hard you try (I'm sure you'll find women who say they don't care for Brad Pitt for whatever reason). Just because you struck out once doesn't mean it isn't working for you. 'My two cents.