startinganew777 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I typed this the first time and accidently deleted it so here I go again shorter version. Grrrr!!! Met a guy online, great guy, most caring and thoughtful guy I have ever dated. Never had a doubt in my mind that he truely cared about me. He was in the middle of a divorce with a crazy person (that is what he and his family told me) and they share a son together. I checked to make sure the divorce was going through to protect myself and sure enough, it was posted online about how the divorce was filed back in August and their court dates and such. So I trusted him. He told me he would never go back as she was really abusive to him and put him down all the time. His mother told me the same thing and said how much the family loved me and that they have never seen him so happy before. He made things exclusive with me about a month ago and things have been awesome. No fights, on insecurities, just happy bliss. Fast forward to this past weekend, we have been talking everyday since the day we met. Then this weekend I hardly hear from him and then not a word all day on Sunday. I call him Sunday night before bed, no answer. So I text him a message telling him I was a little worried about him since I haven't heard anything and wanted to see if he was ok. He texts me back this morning to tell me he is sorry for not being himself recently and that he is going through some **** right now that we need to discuss in person. Then says he wants me to know it is nothing I did or do and that I will always be a good friend to him. He wants to meet Thursday night to discuss things. We get to talking today and the gist is he got a call from his soon to be ex wife Friday and she wants to try counseling. He said he is very confused and needs to talk to a professional about which path is the best to take in life, the best thing for his son. He said he is very worried about him and wants the best for him. So he is going to try and mend things with her only to get himself back into an abusive relationship just for his son. He said I mean a lot to him and that he is truely sorry but his heart tells him he has to at least try for his son no matter what happens. And he wants us to be friends still. I tell him I don't think I can be just friends with the kind of feelings I have and I express my anger and disappointment towards him for dragging me into this mess only to tell me I am the one, how happy he is but he needs to work on things with her. Again tells me to please think about remaining friends with him. I told him I will meet him Thursday to exchange our things, say our goodbyes but that we then needed to part ways so he could get things figured out without me. Haven't heard back. I am so upset. I really thought this would turn into something special. He was the sweetest guy to me and I know he is mainly worried about his son but I am just mad for putting myself into this situation. I learned my lesson for sure. Never get involved with anyone when they still have some kind of attachment to an ex. Never! I know I will get over it and move on. And I think he is an idiot for considering going back to an abusive relationship but it still really hurts! Thanks for letting me vent. I know I am doing the right thing by NOT remaining friends with him but it will be so hard!
Author startinganew777 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 Sorry, I guess this post isn't very short. LOL Thanks for reading.
Maneater Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 bummer. yes that is definitely the smart thing to do, NOT remain friends. after all he is technically married still.
Samilia Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I typed this the first time and accidently deleted it so here I go again shorter version. Grrrr!!! Met a guy online, great guy, most caring and thoughtful guy I have ever dated. Never had a doubt in my mind that he truely cared about me. He was in the middle of a divorce with a crazy person (that is what he and his family told me) and they share a son together. I checked to make sure the divorce was going through to protect myself and sure enough, it was posted online about how the divorce was filed back in August and their court dates and such. So I trusted him. He told me he would never go back as she was really abusive to him and put him down all the time. His mother told me the same thing and said how much the family loved me and that they have never seen him so happy before. He made things exclusive with me about a month ago and things have been awesome. No fights, on insecurities, just happy bliss. Fast forward to this past weekend, we have been talking everyday since the day we met. Then this weekend I hardly hear from him and then not a word all day on Sunday. I call him Sunday night before bed, no answer. So I text him a message telling him I was a little worried about him since I haven't heard anything and wanted to see if he was ok. He texts me back this morning to tell me he is sorry for not being himself recently and that he is going through some **** right now that we need to discuss in person. Then says he wants me to know it is nothing I did or do and that I will always be a good friend to him. He wants to meet Thursday night to discuss things. We get to talking today and the gist is he got a call from his soon to be ex wife Friday and she wants to try counseling. He said he is very confused and needs to talk to a professional about which path is the best to take in life, the best thing for his son. He said he is very worried about him and wants the best for him. So he is going to try and mend things with her only to get himself back into an abusive relationship just for his son. He said I mean a lot to him and that he is truely sorry but his heart tells him he has to at least try for his son no matter what happens. And he wants us to be friends still. I tell him I don't think I can be just friends with the kind of feelings I have and I express my anger and disappointment towards him for dragging me into this mess only to tell me I am the one, how happy he is but he needs to work on things with her. Again tells me to please think about remaining friends with him. I told him I will meet him Thursday to exchange our things, say our goodbyes but that we then needed to part ways so he could get things figured out without me. Haven't heard back. I am so upset. I really thought this would turn into something special. He was the sweetest guy to me and I know he is mainly worried about his son but I am just mad for putting myself into this situation. I learned my lesson for sure. Never get involved with anyone when they still have some kind of attachment to an ex. Never! I know I will get over it and move on. And I think he is an idiot for considering going back to an abusive relationship but it still really hurts! Thanks for letting me vent. I know I am doing the right thing by NOT remaining friends with him but it will be so hard! I have been through the same thing a few years ago. His intentions were good, he just wasn't ready.
mortensorchid Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I'm sorry to hear this. And yes, you are right in several points here : Don't get involved with someone who is going through a divorce, wait until it's final and at least a year has passed. And Don't remain friends with him after this, it's too painful and he was not ready to be with someone. My last bf's sister was in a situation like this. SHe was going out with this guy (still is from what I understand) who was separated from his crazy wife. He has two little children from that marriage and she is an instant mommy with them. I didn't really know her and/or the boyfriend, but I was thinking to myself that she was either putting on a terrific show for him that she was willing and able to be a mommy for his children or she really didn't have a lot of experiences seeing someone with little children before. After his divorce was final about nine months ago, they bought a house together. I think to myself I hope she knows what she is investing in here.
FitChick Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I learned the hard way myself and now my rule is to never date anyone officially divorced for less than two years. The longer the better.
TouchedByViolet Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Sorry to hear that. How long were you dating?
edgygirl Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Excellent advice FitChick - it took me 2 years exactly to get over my ex. 1
Author startinganew777 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 It was only 3 months. I just really liked him and saw a lot of potential. I have dated quite a few guys and he was just so kind and caring and I really trusted him. We never had an arguement and things were going perfectly. At least I thought they were. It just sucks because I feel like I wasted 3 months of my life for someone that would rather be with some abusive crazy chic than me. I was nothing but great to him. Oh well, lesson learned. I will never date someone like that again. In fact, I am going back to my rule of not dating anyone with kids. Too complicated! I do wish him well because he is such a good hearted guy but I can't help but be very, very angry and disappointed in him. He says they are not back together but just decided to go back to counseling together so he can figure out what is best for his kid. That is why he still wanted to remain friends. Probably so he could keep me on the side in case things didn't work out with them. Not going to happen. I have too much respect for myself for that. I will truely miss him though.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I feel for you OP. It must suck to think that this man is going to go and be unhappy with his wife just because of obligation. Let's just be real, people get married for a reason and the vows make a huge difference, the children make a huge difference. It's more than a relationship that's BF and GF would be. It's a merging of friends and families and lives in a way that is impossible to ever really fully undo.
sid3 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 His intentions were good, he just wasn't ready. You don't know that. Yeah, he wasn't ready, but his Willy was. Just a different version of pumped and dumped.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 There is a darker more sinister conclusion. He was genuinely moving on. But, when the ExW saw that he was moving on suddenly someone she had devalued became valuable. She wants counciling...for their son...because she either can't stand to see him move on.
Author startinganew777 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 I filed divorce from an alcoholic. It was also a very toxic relationship. I followed through with it even though it was very, very hard and found myself so much happier. Happiest I have been in a long time so when I see someone go back to a toxic relationship only to be hurt over and over again, it just doesn't make sense to me. Throwing a kid into the mix makes a difference I know but still. It breaks my heart to know that the poor kid with probably have to deal with his parents going back and forth for a long time. She cheated on him over and over again and even wanted an open marriage. Won't be long before that happens again. People don't change. It is what it is. Good luck to them both. Mainly to the poor innocent kid involved.
Author startinganew777 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 Mylonelyone, I definately think that is what happened. His family told me that he has never been happier, he lost weight and looked a lot better, he told me she even asked him about it a couple times so she was noticing a major change in him and it probably scared her and made her realize she was going to lose this great guy and FINALLY said she would do counseling. That is all she had to say though and he was right there. His family told me she is a very manipulative, abusive drunk and always for some reason had this control over him. Now I totally see it. 1
Mrlonelyone Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 (edited) I filed divorce from an alcoholic. It was also a very toxic relationship. I followed through with it even though it was very, very hard and found myself so much happier. Happiest I have been in a long time so when I see someone go back to a toxic relationship only to be hurt over and over again, it just doesn't make sense to me. Throwing a kid into the mix makes a difference I know but still. It breaks my heart to know that the poor kid with probably have to deal with his parents going back and forth for a long time. She cheated on him over and over again and even wanted an open marriage. Won't be long before that happens again. People don't change. It is what it is. Good luck to them both. Mainly to the poor innocent kid involved. Yeah. It sounds to me like a situation where she was used to being hot stuff. He'd never move on and be a broke down looser just paying her child support and alimony for years. Instead with you he moved on and she played her trump card, the kid. So she gets to have control. Just move on, don't worry about weather or not he will go in and out of an abusive relationship. For all we know, now that she's be reminded, by your interest in him, that her husband is a catch she might treat him with more respect. Some adults, much like children, only want to play with the big red ball when someone else wants to play with the big red ball. (I only saw your post above after posting this one.) I haven't experienced this personally. I have some long time married couples in my family including my parents. I've seen this dynamic between them and aunts and uncles etc. Sometimes a rough patch like this leads people to appreciate their marriage more. Sad to say for you that you end up being essentially used. Even if it wasn't planned that way. Just stay away from people who are still married. At least don't emotionally invest in them if you do get involved. Edited January 8, 2013 by Mrlonelyone 1
Author startinganew777 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 Well, for the kid's sake, I hope it works out. Just wish I wasn't used to fill the void he had after she filed. I really do think he thought he was ready. When he told me the trial wasn't until May, I thought oh man, ANYTHING could happen between now and then. I am just glad it happened now and not months or years down the road. And it made me really think long and hard about what I really want in a relationship and what I won't settle for. Everything happens for a reason!
april38 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I'm very sorry this happened to you, but at least you found at as soon as you did and he didn't try to completely string you along. However the request to still be friends is a way of stringing you along, or keeping you at bay in case it doesn't work out with the wife, so keep that in mind. Just go over to the Other Man/Woman forum, and you will see loads of lost, hurt, broken people who have some how been strung along by a MM or MW (I know because I was one of them). I hope that you are strong enough to wipe your hands clean of this mess and end all contact after your goodbyes. It will save you sooo much pain in the future, and if he ever really gets divorced and feels you are someone he wants to try again with, he will find a way to contact you at that time. BTW, good for you for handling this with so much class - it's hard to do when you feel betrayed, but I promise (from experience) you will feel so much better about yourself for behaving with class and integrity. :-) 1
Author startinganew777 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 Thanks so much. It is hard because I am VERY angry and feel betrayed but that is the way it goes. I don't want to be with someone who is so unsure about me anyways. I won't settle for less than I deserve anymore. After I see him Thursday to exchange our belongings, I am just going to tell him I wish him the happiness he deserves and I care for him but he cannot contact me ever again so that I can heal and move on. I may or may not ever hear from him again. Who knows but he still chose her over me and I won't allow myself to be second choice to him. He lost me, I am a pretty kick ass chic I think, so his loss. 1
Quiet Storm Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 So he is going to try and mend things with her only to get himself back into an abusive relationship just for his son Just for his son? My kids are the most important people in my life. If my husband had a mental illness or other issues, and agreed to work on those issues in counseling, there is no way I would turn my back on an opportunity to keep my family together. I wouldn't remain friends with him. He likely just wants to keep you on the backburner, in case things don't work out with his wife. He is leaving the door open for FWB sex. You are worth more than second best. Plus, if his wife is "crazy", your friendship will just create drama and problems in their relationship. You do not want to become the target of her "craziness".
Quiet Storm Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 He lost me, I am a pretty kick ass chic I think, so his loss. Don't take it personally. It's not a matter of you vs. her. It's you vs. the family unit.
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