Do you ever feel like now he or she has left you, that your thoughts and feelings are

[stevie_23]

Because my ex and I used to share EVERYTHING…it was like every thought and feeling I had, if I didn’t tell him, then it didn’t exist…and now he doesn’t want to hear or see me anymore, he doesn’t want to know how I feel or what I’m doing, I feel like I’ve become a ghost, not living on this earth, but kind of beyond it, and nothing I feel and think is real or valid because he doesn’t know, and doesn’t want to know, about it.

[almosteverythingx]

Would you mind asking you why you both broke up? Just briefly...

[denxnis]

Yes.

 

It's very difficult to get over this feeling of emptiness and loneliness but you need to re-evaluate your purpose in life; why do you wake up in the morning?

 

It's a terrible feeling but when you were with him I am sure you had goals in life which did not revolve around him, revisit these goals and set new ones as well. Things you can accomplish in a 6 month or 1 year span.

 

For example, my goal is to buy a house this year and rebuild my self-confidence by going to the gym 3x a week.

[stevie_23]

Yeah, I had goals…I’ve been trying to sell my apartment and move to a place I’m happy with, but it’s been on the market for a year almost and it’s very hard in this economy.

 

I write and sing songs and want to do something with that…he was / still is my inspiration and muse. He was my biggest supporter of that too. So it’s hard now…

 

Oh, I started a thread about my specific experience, so if you want to read that it will explain why he ended it. In terms of detailing it in brief terms, I honestly don't know why he ended it. He got tired of living two lives, he said. He got a new job and has less time. He got bored of me I guess. Who knows. He didn't really tell me.

 

It's hardest as I do feel so alone. I used to have him with me...feel him with me. Feel his love and warmth. Even though we weren't together in person, and that side of things was just daydreams and fantasies at this stage, now I've lost both the here-and-now AND the future dreams of us being together as well. I am scared to do anything. To walk down the street. To live at all, really.

 

I didn’t realise my subject / thread title was cut off. The last word is meant to be “invalid”.

[Samilia]

Because my ex and I used to share EVERYTHING…it was like every thought and feeling I had, if I didn’t tell him, then it didn’t exist…and now he doesn’t want to hear or see me anymore, he doesn’t want to know how I feel or what I’m doing, I feel like I’ve become a ghost, not living on this earth, but kind of beyond it, and nothing I feel and think is real or valid because he doesn’t know, and doesn’t want to know, about it.

 

Personally no, because I have always kept some of my private world, private. I'm also very independent, so, again, I don't need validation from someone else. If anything, I ask my friends for their points of view and that helps me take a decision when I need guidance.

 

I see what you're saying though, complicity is a hard thing to lose.. just don't make someone the center of your world. Make him part of it.

[stevie_23]

I tried to do that, but it ended up getting away from me. He was my everything.

[Samilia]

I tried to do that, but it ended up getting away from me. He was my everything.

 

Well yes, I know. I'm not some sort of monster who doesn't need anybody, I know what it is to feel like someone is your everything. You just need to keep some of your life for yourself. When you lean on someone to be your life, when this person is gone, there's nothing left, and it's dangerous.

[stevie_23]

I know. Very dangerous.

[Samilia]

Just learn your lesson hun and don't let it happen again. Also keep in mind that showing a bit of independence is attractive to most people.

 

The feeling of being lost without him will pass. But it will linger if you stay hooked on your ex and always look for his approval in everything you do. I believe getting better is a conscious decision. Even if it only last for a split second, taking initiatives to get better will echo down the road.

[stevie_23]

I know. Thank you for the support.

 

Mentally, I know all of this stuff. I have spent many a time giving advice to people (friends, colleagues, online random people), I have a degree in psychology and wanted to be a therapist, and I do know what to say and what to think and what is the TRUTH. That this is his choice, and even if I don’t fully understand it, that doesn’t matter and it does not reflect negatively on me. I am still as worthwhile and valid as I was before, and I do have people who love and value me. I also believe he did truly love me and still does, but he has his reasons for not being able to continue it, and I also believe deep down that he did not end things between us with malicious intent despite how heartless his actions seemed.

 

Knowing all of this does not, however, alleviate the emotions. I can’t control them.

[ana0pera]

I understand where you're coming from.

I am a very shy, quiet, private, guarded person, and he was the first person I've opened up to in a long time.

 

Sometimes when I talk to people--family, friends, acquaintances, strangers--I can just sense that they are not listening. I can see their eyes glazing over, or at worse they interrupt me to change the topic. As a result I don't divulge much to anyone and especially those who don't listen but I am forced to be around out of circumstance.

 

He was different though. When we were together, I could tell that he listened to every word that I said and valued what I had to say. He would remember every little thing that I would say. It was so easy to talk to him, and listen to him too.

 

I have a life outside of him, which was easy in some ways because we were Long-Distance, but I had focused so much energy on building a life with him, thinking about how I could be with him in the future, that now so much seems null and void. I just have to let go and hold on to what was separate, but it is easier said than done.

[LostOne1]

I understand where you're coming from.

I am a very shy, quiet, private, guarded person, and he was the first person I've opened up to in a long time.

 

Sometimes when I talk to people--family, friends, acquaintances, strangers--I can just sense that they are not listening. I can see their eyes glazing over, or at worse they interrupt me to change the topic. As a result I don't divulge much to anyone and especially those who don't listen but I am forced to be around out of circumstance.

 

He was different though. When we were together, I could tell that he listened to every word that I said and valued what I had to say. He would remember every little thing that I would say. It was so easy to talk to him, and listen to him too.

 

I have a life outside of him, which was easy in some ways because we were Long-Distance, but I had focused so much energy on building a life with him, thinking about how I could be with him in the future, that now so much seems null and void. I just have to let go and hold on to what was separate, but it is easier said than done.

yeah that's the hard part. We go on in the relationship with goals that involve our ex. Then our ex leaves and everything we worked so hard for seems wasteful then. Such as if you ere buying a house for the both of you... now it seems pointless to buy it for yourself and you might not be able to afford it alone too. The plan might have been that the ex would pitch in half.

 

So that dream gets shattered for awhile and it's tough when a dream gets broken. Hits people hard!

[MyAngel]

Opening up, trusting someone and making them your world is all well as good when things are going great. But when it all falls apart, especially if they leave you, it makes you feel like you'll neve allow yourself to open up again. Sigh.

[Coping Vortex]

Because my ex and I used to share EVERYTHING…it was like every thought and feeling I had, if I didn’t tell him, then it didn’t exist…and now he doesn’t want to hear or see me anymore, he doesn’t want to know how I feel or what I’m doing, I feel like I’ve become a ghost, not living on this earth, but kind of beyond it, and nothing I feel and think is real or valid because he doesn’t know, and doesn’t want to know, about it.

 

I have been lost without being able to text and talk to her. We talked about so much everyday and we listened to each other about everything. I miss our communication so much it hurts. My phone is useless now. It was always blowing up with texts from her. Telling each other how we miss and love each other etc.

 

Last week we broke no contact and we were texting again but it was all mundane chit chat nothing of susbstance. whats for dinner etc. I know she is saving all of the real conversation for him now. That hurts even worse. i so miss my lover but I also miss my friend just as much.

[LostOne1]

I have been lost without being able to text and talk to her. We talked about so much everyday and we listened to each other about everything. I miss our communication so much it hurts. My phone is useless now. It was always blowing up with texts from her. Telling each other how we miss and love each other etc.

 

Last week we broke no contact and we were texting again but it was all mundane chit chat nothing of susbstance. whats for dinner etc. I know she is saving all of the real conversation for him now. That hurts even worse. i so miss my lover but I also miss my friend just as much.

Same feeling man. I HAD my cell only for her and she had hers only for me. We didn't use our phones much before. But for each other we used it a lot as it was the secondary way for us to remain in contact.

 

I went through that phase already where I watched my phone over and over hoping it was her text. And I NEVER did get a text from her chasing after me. It was either me textin 1st or me not saying anything. And so far it has been been saying nothing. I DID get a new phone though so that's nice.

 

But it's tough to know those moments are gone. But we have to accept it and I think our body and mind DO accept it after awhile. I'm used to my phone buzzing and knowing it's not her but a family member or a friend contacting me. I'd be SHOCKED if she ever sent me a text or called me ever again.

[Coping Vortex]

Same feeling man. I HAD my cell only for her and she had hers only for me. We didn't use our phones much before. But for each other we used it a lot as it was the secondary way for us to remain in contact.

 

I went through that phase already where I watched my phone over and over hoping it was her text. And I NEVER did get a text from her chasing after me. It was either me textin 1st or me not saying anything. And so far it has been been saying nothing. I DID get a new phone though so that's nice.

 

But it's tough to know those moments are gone. But we have to accept it and I think our body and mind DO accept it after awhile. I'm used to my phone buzzing and knowing it's not her but a family member or a friend contacting me. I'd be SHOCKED if she ever sent me a text or called me ever again.

 

Yea I was got excited with every text and call I got form her. I used to carry my phone all day and before she got a job (I work out of the house) we would text and talk for hours everyday. I miss doing that it was always fun and exciting. Its like I lost 75% of my day with not communicating with her. And whats worse she is still doing that but with another guy.

[stevie_23]

God yeah, I feel you about losing 75% of your day without contact from her.

 

I used to spend virtually 100% of my day “with” him. Not just when we were actively in contact…chatting online, texting, but also when I was doing videos for him…and then the constant thinking about him, daydreaming of him, and waiting for his next text or email.

[Coping Vortex]

God yeah, I feel you about losing 75% of your day without contact from her.

 

I used to spend virtually 100% of my day “with” him. Not just when we were actively in contact…chatting online, texting, but also when I was doing videos for him…and then the constant thinking about him, daydreaming of him, and waiting for his next text or email.

 

Well I spent 100% of my time thinking about her. When she got a job I could only text or talk for an hour or two during the day. But we would text and talk all night. I just know the new guy is getting all that attention. Man this is cruel. Its torture.

[stevie_23]

So she chose to be with someone else over you? That sucks. At least I don’t have to deal with that on top of everything else, with my ex.

[Coping Vortex]

So she chose to be with someone else over you? That sucks. At least I don’t have to deal with that on top of everything else, with my ex.

 

Well in your situation didn't he choose his wife over you?

[stevie_23]

Yes, but not 100%. He doesn’t want to be with her, doesn’t love her. He chose his own stability and ease of living without as much stress or strain, or desire for someone he can never fully have (me) over being with me in the restricted ways available to him. That’s how I think of it.

[stevie_23]

Also, I am not 100% available to him and never was. I don't want to leave my partner. It's just that in my own life, my partner works more than I do and goes to bed way earlier / gets up and goes out way earlier than I do, so I get lots of time to myself. He doesn't have that luxury. He used to have more time but now has hardly any.

 

I said long ago that we would have to meet in person to see how things went between us, how we felt in "real life" and then decide what to do. If we still felt the same about each other then, we'd take steps to really be together. He would leave his wife, I would leave mine. But until then, I'm not losing my stability on the off chance he MIGHT leave his wife, and on the off chance we MIGHT still feel the same way in person.

 

So this is also why he hasn't left her.

Edited January 8, 2013 by stevie_23

[Coping Vortex]

Also, I am not 100% available to him and never was. I don't want to leave my partner. It's just that in my own life, my partner works more than I do and goes to bed way earlier / gets up and goes out way earlier than I do, so I get lots of time to myself. He doesn't have that luxury. He used to have more time but now has hardly any.

 

I said long ago that we would have to meet in person to see how things went between us, how we felt in "real life" and then decide what to do. If we still felt the same about each other then, we'd take steps to really be together. He would leave his wife, I would leave mine. But until then, I'm not losing my stability on the off chance he MIGHT leave his wife, and on the off chance we MIGHT still feel the same way in person.

 

So this is also why he hasn't left her.

 

Does your partner know about this guy? I assume your partner is a woman?

[stevie_23]

Yeah, my partner is a woman. She knows of his existence and as a friend on one of the forums I go on about music and songwriting. I mentioned him a bit in the very early days when I had a “crush” on him and felt the need to talk about him, even with her, but in a VERY subtle way. Then when things got serious with him, I stopped mostly.

 

But yeah, she has no idea. I had guilt about that. A lot of guilt. He, on the other hand, always maintained he had no guilt about his wife.

[LostOne1]

Yea I was got excited with every text and call I got form her. I used to carry my phone all day and before she got a job (I work out of the house) we would text and talk for hours everyday. I miss doing that it was always fun and exciting. Its like I lost 75% of my day with not communicating with her. And whats worse she is still doing that but with another guy.

 

yeah I know the feeling.. I used to get mad that she probably is texting some new guy and has replaced me so easily. I know she got a new phone too from back when I used to view her FB page. It was odd because she hates touch phones and yet she bought an IPhone. I guess it was a change for her and I bought a new phone so it's a change for me too.

 

After we BU a few months later I barley touched my phone. I only touch my phone now, because I get all my FB, twitter and email alerts now. So I use my phone quite a lot for internet activity, but not much for calls or texting these days.