Silly_Girl Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I was treated badly for several years by a man who undermined my confidence and got a real kick out of proving to me I was not número uno. It was complex yet simple, y'know? He did lots and lots and lots of low-level cheating and so I ended up hyper-sensitive to signals and signs that a lot of folk would ignore. I already had a good radar but it went far beyond that. It's been a long time since I managed to leave him and I am in the safest, most equal and loving relationship I've ever had. Which is wonderful. I wish I had known it could be like this. Early on I believed I could trust this man, and I wobbled and considered ending things when I got any trigger. I decided to be honest with him as if I took that risk and told him of my past and we split up (not sure where that train of thought came from), so be it, but if I tried to muddle through and hide my fears and worries it would eventually eat through us like a disease and we'd be over anyway. I took the risk and don't regret it at all. I've been vulnerable and excruciatingly open and honest and he's never come close to using that 'power' - which is what someone with my relationship history was expecting. I thought that the triggers from the old relationship would wear off very quickly, that the instant knee-jerk gut-wrenching reactions to ridiculous, insignificant things would have worn off by now, but they haven't. This is nothing at all to do with my guy, or our relationship. There's nothing to make me worry, we use each other's phones and have cause to be in each others emails at times. I talk to my counsellor, and my man, and they both say I give off NOTHING to suggest I don't trust my boyfriend. But I'm sick and tired of the feelings. They're tiring and a waste of energy. I mostly talk myself away from them when they come, that usually works. It's a longshot, but I wondered whether anyone else had a similar experience, or any advice. It's as though I have an irrational side I never quite manage to truly quiet and I don't want to carry the scars of such a monumental error of judgement on my part, for ever. Because otherwise I'm still his victim, sort of, even though I went to such efforts to escape him.
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