Dumper's point of view

[LostOne1]

I feel I gave things a very fair chance.

 

And I only asked for a month of no contact. If he thinks things over this month, then comes to me afterward and says I love you, I want to be with you, and here's how we can make it happen, I'll most likely consider it.

 

But I don't expect that to happen. This guy's a go-getter, and nothing stops him from going for what he wants. If he wants something, he simply makes it happen.

 

I think that whenever he meets the right woman and he's ready, he'll make that crystal clear.

That's the difference between me and my ex. I did go to her after a month, but she was so full of anger to see anything. And then she just tagged me along a leash for a month or two before I decided to stop going back to her. She clearly didn't want it anymore.

 

Well what ever the decision is I wish you the best.

[Fryderyk_Franciszek]

I have dumped because my girlfriend was making me horribly depressed. We had really great high moments, but our low moments always were so very low. She said some stuff to me that I thought ended our relationship. I brought these things up to her when I did break up with her. I wish we just had good communication from the beginning. Without communication, there is no trust. Without trust, there is no relationship.

[mike588]

My ex.1st told me that she just needed time ..a few days..a week to herself and time to think and that she wasn't seeing anyone else.

 

Well five...six days later she admitted that she was getting back with her ex.and that it "just happened"....it wasn't planned and they were not having sex.....Yeah right.

 

I just laugh about it now and recently found out thru some of her friends that she's a mess and realize she did me a favor.

Edited January 10, 2013 by mike588

[shalisha42]

Hey, new here.

I read some threads around this site, and I must say this website is giving me a warm touch

 

Anyways, my topic is dumpers, and their point of view of breakups.

 

I experienced my first breakup about 4 months ago. I am the dumpEE.

From my point of view, the dumper was wrong for missing an opportunity (we were together for just a month and everything was great. Was a sudden breakup). Also, the dumper didn't bother to tell me the reason, couldn't help it out and just end the relationship.

 

My case is long, but it's not the point. I have a bad dumper, and many others do too.

 

I know there are dumpers who do it for the good reason (no contact, affairs... - especially if you try to talk about it with your partner), but there are those who do it for "no" reason.

 

Perspectives anyone?

 

This case of dumpers and dumpees is complicated, but just want to know..

 

Those dumpers, who break up out-of-the-blue, seem evil to me.. (evil is a strong word for this, it's just a relationship(no marriage), but still)

 

There's no such thing as "no reason" Everything happens for a reason. To say someone did something for no reason is a way to evade responsibility. You may not be aware of what you did or didn't do, but trust me, you did something - or didn't do something. There are no victims, only volunteers.

[shalisha42]

Also, if you tell me how your relationship started, what went on in between, I can tell you exactly why the person broke up with you. Care to share?

[Sugarkane]

I believe you and that sounds equally painful. You sound like the exception- someone actually willing to talk! This has not been my experience at all. Most dumpers are pretty two faced about it. I even had one dumper contact me just to brag about how well he was doing after he dumped me. Despite dumping me because he wanted to be single.

I'm the dumper, and it's not easy.

 

I broke up because it seemed clear to me he liked me but didn't love me. I think he thought he could make it work with someone he had high compatibility with but didn't really love, simply due to inexperience. What tripped me up is that he went to SO much trouble to keep seeing me after he moved to another city. It didn't make sense to me that he would do that if he only liked me - why not just find another OK girl in the new city? But who knows what his reasons for that were? I think he's in the confidence-building stage. He doesn't have the confidence to go for a woman he's crazy about yet (or has been shot down in the past when he tried), so is trying to build up experience with women he likes but isn't crazy about. I don't know that he's doing this consciously - probably more as a self-protective thing.

 

I don't think either one of us has it easier than the other, or will have it easier in the future. He's gorgeous, successful, and all that, and women hit on him all the time, but he seems to be totally uninterested in meaningless hookups. He's also very sensitive to being used for his status or money. His challenge will be to find someone who lights his fire, and who is faithful, good-hearted, and all that jazz. I mean, he's going to have to do what we all have to do - find someone who loves us and whom we also love, in about equal measure.

 

I don't have a problem finding a man who's crazy about me, or finding a man I'm crazy about. The hard thing is striking just the right balance, where you're giving and getting love in about equal proportion.

[Scrab22]

Scrab, no offense here, but are you kind of young? Under 25 maybe? If so, I think things will make more sense as you go along in life and have more experiences with people who want to be with you when you don't want to be with them.

 

Really, there is always a reason. And the thing is, sometimes the dumper knows that the dumpee will not accept the reason they want to end it, maybe not any reason. Maybe the dumpee isnt ready to accept their personal issues that are contributing to the problem, and the dumper knows this (I think Ruby Slipper's story may fall into this category). Maybe the dumper has personal issues that prevent them from moving forward in the relationship, so they end it. Sometimes the dumper can tell when further discussion isn't going to benefit either person.

 

You mentioned in your post about your "moves" and I assume you're talking sex. But relationships require a lot more than that, and there could have been other things you missed. Sometimes one person can't effectively express what they need from the other person in the relationship (especially true for younger people), they just know it's not working out, so they end it.

 

I'm sorry, Scrab, but sometimes you just don't get closure after a breakup. Even if they tell you why, it won't help you unless you can accept and understand their reason and why continuing the relationship won't work. But even if you don't get a reason, there is always a reason, even if it is not an obvious one.

 

I am not offended, don't worry

Yes, my age is 18, but I want a serious relationship, and will find someone I want to be with. If I won't feel comfortable, then I haven't made a good choice in the first place.

As for accepting my flaws - to be honest, I had no flaws. I'm not saying I'm pure and perfect, but I didn't offend her in any way and I wasn't acting like a junky. Maybe I had some flaws I NEVER noticed (maybe some tics such as inserting my thumb into my teeth sometimes. I don't do them much but it's not the point..).

She didn't point out any flaws I have. But even if I have flaws, how am I supposed to figure them out by myself if she won't tell me..? Because we don't know our flaws until someone reflects them upon us.

From opinions of friends, I was completely fine in my relationship, and that it was my ex's mistake to have it done!

 

And as for moves - I wasn't talking about sex. I'm very gentle. I meant things such as put arm around shoulder, hug, cuddle... I didn't even have a first kiss with her.

 

And as for closure - it's ok. I'm already moving on from her. I found out some snobbish traits from her after the breakup. It was very hard for me, but I have more rebound options for now

 

Thanks for your explanation!

 

 

 

shalisha42 - Maybe this post can explain everything.

I see no point for sharing the entire history, as I'm already move on and I no longer care why she broke up with me. But thanks for your will to listen!

 

 

EDIT: Forgot to add something.

When she broke up with me, she told me herself that I'm an amazing and great person. This strengthens the possibility it wasn't because of my behavior.

Edited January 10, 2013 by Scrab22

[NoMoreJerks]

Thank you.

 

Yes, I talked to him about it several times, in as productive and fair a way as I could. He reassured me that he wanted to be with me, and his actions supported that. But he did not tell me he loved me and definitely wanted to be with me long term. We talked about big subjects, and he suggested he was working toward a future together. But he never came out and made it crystal clear. He talked several times about moving back to my city. But he didn't have a concrete plan.

 

Given that he had to move to another city a few months ago for work, I didn't feel motivated to keep investing my time and energy into visiting anymore. My impression is that we had fun, companionship, and some good stuff, but not solid, real love that motivated me to invest further.

 

I know he liked me a lot for my intelligence, insight, personality, sense of fun, sexiness, and other qualities. I just don't feel that he saw me as The One.

 

I'm ready to settle down and have a family, so I have no interest in spending an indefinite amount of time dating someone. Given that he either didn't have feelings of love or wasn't ready to articulate them in 6 months, I decided to move on.

That's painful, and really resonates with my experience.... In my case, my bf also did not reciprocate my feelings. I loved him (and told him that), and he never told me he loved me. He told me he liked me as a really good friend, etc., but I don't think he was ever serious about me, in terms of a long-term relationship. That's probably the most painful thing I've ever experienced. It was also partly long-distance between us, and he used to be sent to work in my country, but when he figured out that he was no longer going to be sent here much, he just bailed out... even though he had promised he would come visit me over Christmas... I don't know if it was because he had just been using me for sex and companionship, and figured that he couldn't benefit from me anymore, or if he figured it was pointless to invest so much money and effort into it when he wasn't really "into" me.. I never got a real answer for that... It hurts like hell, because 1) I couldn't get him to love me, regardless of how nice I was to him (compared to his allegedly mean ex'es, whom he STILL pined for, especially his last ex).. it just did my self-esteem in.. I gave my all, and i still wasn't good enough for him. I really don't believe in "the spark", etc. I just think he just wasn't willing to move on emotionally from his last ex, 2 years after being dumped. He had not processed that break-up, had blamed her for everything, and had learned all the wrong lessons from it, and was just letting his ex take over his life and mess up his future. His loss, but it still hurts me like hell that he treated me this way. It also hurts like hell because 2) I don't know for sure that he wasn't just using me. Was it that he was using me and figured out he could no longer use me? Or was it that he would've tried harder, and maybe given himself more time to develop feelings for me, if he could still be sent to my country for work? I think I lean in favour of the former: he was using me. I mean, he spends ****loads of money per year on vacation. He travels to Thailand 4 times a year for holiday, 2 weeks each time.. So it's unlikely he couldn't afford to come visit me... It's just that I think that because his main intention in keeping up this charade was to use me til he no longer could use me, his cost-benefit calculation (the actual costs of visiting me with his own money rather than with company money) led to his decision to dump me.

 

I think you are brave to have dumped him, and I think I should have too, because he was just using me and, at the very least, not satisfying my needs. But in the end, I never had the courage to dump him, because 1) I had self-esteem issues and a fear of being lonely / never finding someone else; 2) I truly loved him; he was my first love and the guy I lost my virginity to; 3) I thought I'd give it another shot and then another and then another, hoping that over time he would develop feelings for me; 4) because he had had bad experiences in the past with being dumped, I didn't want to make him feel even worse by dumping him. I felt really bad about doing that to him. Looks like I was too nice for my own good, though. Instead, he was so selfish and self-centered, and dumped me in the most cold-hearted, cruel way (and timing -- 2 days before Christmas) when I no longer could be of any use for him. And he baited me into an argument, which he then used as an excuse to dump me. He also kept projecting, blaming me for everything, saying how moody I was, how I stressed him out with my constant "childish bickering", how I was always "angry", etc. What? He was just trying to blame me for everything, and acted like he was forced into dumping me, when in fact he never had any feelings for me, and had used me, devalued me, then was discarding me like some over-used object.

 

We've been NC for the past 19 days, since he dumped me. I am NEVER talking to him again, even if HE initiates contact.

 

I think he NEVER felt any guilt whatsoever over the whole situation and the break-up. He dumped me over text, and I was so distraught, and asked him if I could at least hear his voice one last time. I promised I wouldn't beg him, try to convince him, yell at him for dumping me, or make him feel bad -- if we talked on the phone. I just wanted to hear his voice one last time, because I loved him. He didn't even give me that one last favour. I was so considerate and loving that I even made the promise not to hurt him when talking on the phone, despite the fact that he had broken my heart.. and he couldn't even find it in his heart to give me one last favour. After all I had done for him. All the love and caring I had given him, all the money I had spent on him (which was so one-sided that I almost felt like a sugar momma at some point -- even though I'm only a PhD student and he makes more money than I do).

 

I think you are exceptional among dumpers, in the sense that you didn't want to dump him, but had to, because HE didn't reciprocate feelings, and it just didn't feel right for you or him to go through this charade. I mean, it's not like he loved you and wanted this more than you did.. So of course YOU would definitely feel really bad. Probably worse than HE did. I wouldn't be surprised if he were using you as a springboard to a future relationship (just to gain some confidence and self-esteem). I don't think, though, that most dumpers feel bad at all. They do it for very self-centered reasons, and more importantly, they do it DESPITE the fact that they know their partners LOVE them. They have no trouble discarding of the people who love them, and do not feel bad about it. I know for a fact that my ex never felt bad about dumping me. I would not be surprised if he is in Thailand right now, on vacation, partying it up with his Thai prostitute friends, whom he kept in touch with all the time..

Edited January 10, 2013 by NoMoreJerks