Scrab22 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Hey, new here. I read some threads around this site, and I must say this website is giving me a warm touch Anyways, my topic is dumpers, and their point of view of breakups. I experienced my first breakup about 4 months ago. I am the dumpEE. From my point of view, the dumper was wrong for missing an opportunity (we were together for just a month and everything was great. Was a sudden breakup). Also, the dumper didn't bother to tell me the reason, couldn't help it out and just end the relationship. My case is long, but it's not the point. I have a bad dumper, and many others do too. I know there are dumpers who do it for the good reason (no contact, affairs... - especially if you try to talk about it with your partner), but there are those who do it for "no" reason. Perspectives anyone? This case of dumpers and dumpees is complicated, but just want to know.. Those dumpers, who break up out-of-the-blue, seem evil to me.. (evil is a strong word for this, it's just a relationship(no marriage), but still)
KatZee Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 There is never "no" reason. It is never "out of the blue." Those are the dumpers who are just too cowardly to be honest. Those are the relationships which lack communication. Those are the relationships in which the dumpee was too blind to see what was happening right in front of him/her; or perhaps DID see what was going to happen but was too much in denial to face it. 3
geegirl Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 There is a reason. They just don't feel the need to tell you. Most times they're emotionally detached and would rather just up and go.
sweetkiwi Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I have done all the dumping in my adult relationships. And I think I owed them an explanation. In fact I probably told them too much. In highschool I got dumped a lot. They were cowardly about it. But I knew the reason was because I didn't kiss with tongue.
Sarahbee Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 There's always a reason for breaking up, and being the dumper is not always easy - sometimes you have to do it for your own sanity and self respect. That was rude of your dumper to just break up with you without telling you why, so it's no wonder that you're feeling down on dumpers, but it's not something that's just done on a whim. The word coward springs to mind in the case of your dumper, but unfortunately there are many cowards among us - try to see the red flags next time to save you getting involved with another one!
stevie_23 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 My dumper did so heartlessly in my opinion. We were together for almost 2 years (in an online relationship. We each have other real life partners but felt we were each other’s soul mate and our spiritual husband and wife), and then…suddenly BAM. Nothing. There WERE reasons. He’d just gotten a new job which was taking up more of his time. His wife found out about us for the fourth time in a year and the second time in 6 months. He had always found it a struggle to maintain 2 relationships, and dodge his wife and try to keep us safe, etc. But the way he did it…after so long of being totally open, sharing everything, being so in love…he told me he’d never leave me, that we would always be together…and then we had a brief fight one day in a chat online, he left suddenly saying he couldn’t deal with it, and then never came back. 8 days went by with no contact…this is unheard of for us. We never went a day without some form of contact, even when it was difficult in terms of time and our other partners. He told me in a song. He did a song, yes, and the first words in it were “It’s done”…I consider this ridiculously cruel and unnecessary. He finally talked to me directly in an email 3 days later, after I kept trying to write to him. Explained a bit. I find that being the dumper is NEVER as bad as being the dumpee. I’m not saying it isn’t hard or emotional for the dumper too, but it’s different. When you’re the dumper, you are taking this action of ending the relationship because you have hope that your life will improve once it’s over, in whatever way and for whatever reason. You have either already moved on in your head and heart and have lost some of the feelings of being in love or caring for the person like you once did. Or you just have been unhappy and feel you’d be happier without the relationship. Whereas the dumpee…they may still have been in love (like I was), and they may have been happy in the relationship still (like I was)…and above all, they now have no hope, and no one to even talk to who they actually WANT to talk to. The only person I want to talk to about my feelings is my ex, for instance, and he’s the one person who can’t understand because he’s already moved on. 2
Coping Vortex Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Hey, new here. I read some threads around this site, and I must say this website is giving me a warm touch Anyways, my topic is dumpers, and their point of view of breakups. I experienced my first breakup about 4 months ago. I am the dumpEE. From my point of view, the dumper was wrong for missing an opportunity (we were together for just a month and everything was great. Was a sudden breakup). Also, the dumper didn't bother to tell me the reason, couldn't help it out and just end the relationship. My case is long, but it's not the point. I have a bad dumper, and many others do too. I know there are dumpers who do it for the good reason (no contact, affairs... - especially if you try to talk about it with your partner), but there are those who do it for "no" reason. Perspectives anyone? This case of dumpers and dumpees is complicated, but just want to know.. Those dumpers, who break up out-of-the-blue, seem evil to me.. (evil is a strong word for this, it's just a relationship(no marriage), but still) My ex had a good reason at the time for doing the dumping (she wanted me to move forward faster in the relationship and live with her) But she should have told me that she had arrived at a cross roads. However I have been putting some things together and I now feel that she did it to date another guy. her reasoning was right when she told me, but I don't think it was the real reason. I had spoken to my ex a few weeks after the break up and she didn't admit there was someone else. But i got her to finally admit it. So now i see she used the "reason" as an excuse because she wanted to run off with some guy that flirted with her in a bar. That is a pretty ****ty thing to do. I think she never admitted it because she is embarrased by it. She even alluded to it when she told me she was done. 1
Sugarkane Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I agree that dumpers 9/10 have it WAY easier. I find it ironic that men pride themselves on "having balls", yet can be complete cowards in these situations. Why is this? We're grown ups, be an adult not a heartless coward. I hope the dumpers will get completely dumped out of the blue, I'll have no sympathy for them. It's pretty suspicious dumping someone out of the blue, when they've put on an act and acted in love. I suspect some of these people could be sociopaths. Or at least that would explain it. It doesn't help that most people don't have any conscience or morals these days. Dont ever take one of these cowards back. 3
Sugarkane Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 It really did my head in that someone could do a complete 180 and leave. Then never contact ever again or seem to regret it. They always lie that "there's no one else". Don't they? 2
MyAngel Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Same, sugarkane. The whole 180 is one of the main things still sticking in my head, I just feel so hurt and foolish. I was loving this person so much, so honestly and sincerely. I feel like an idiot for loving so much. All my love was wasted.
Coping Vortex Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 It really did my head in that someone could do a complete 180 and leave. Then never contact ever again or seem to regret it. They always lie that "there's no one else". Don't they? Funny she gave me the same line when she dumped me.
KatZee Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 mine too...said there was no one else and needed to be single. hahaha. my ex went out of his way to act like an immature jerkoff and deleted all my friends on facebook out of no where. too bad he's an idiot and clearly didn't recall that i'm still friends with his friends and family on FB as well, and his cousin posted a pic of him and the new girl. Good moves, slick. Not even 10 minutes after it was posted, it was deleted. found out the girl he left me for didn't quite pan out as expected. She didn't even last 28 days. Boo hoo.
Author Scrab22 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 Yes, there is a reason. I didn't exactly mean completely 0% reason, but forget that. There ARE reasons. I looked at all the posts and this is what I have to say: Dumpee's being blind - it really depends. When my ex rejected some of my moves, I'd ask her if she doesn't like it, just to make sure I won't do it the next times. Also, when she seemed not in a mood, I'd ask her if she's ok, or if something's wrong. It's not right, when experiencing such case, to conclude that your partner wants to break up with you. You are there to help them. They should help you too, not just leave you alone in the void when they break up with you. One of you said they put their thoughts to their own, have already moved on and then they break up with their partner. In that case, it's like two birds flying in the sky, the 1st bird knocks the 2nd bird with its wing and heads to another direction. The second bird is hurt and doesn't know where to go. At least the 1st bird can be more gentle, or try to find a way to make things fair for both. If someone breaks up because he doesn't like them all of a sudden, that's mean. Everyone knows it's mean to hate, and not appreciate one's love..
cervelo Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I'm going through a similar/weird experience at the moment - except that there was actually no dumping!...there was lots of "it's only for a little while", "I'll come back around again soon", I'm not really sure what to do....but no "we should break up". This drove me nuts cos I just wanted a definitive so I tried to contact her to talk about it and she just started avoiding me and withdrew. I tried to initiate no contact but when I finally got to speak with her she was so shocked she asked for time to think about it - that was two weeks ago and nothing heard. I want her back!! but I don't know if we're broken up or shes thinking about things or even if we're in proper no contact!!! She just seems so evasive...It's really frustrating when you can't even talk about it (and she's a pretty good communicator normally). I feel like I should break no contact and re-establish the breakup definitively..any thoughts? Oh well :-(
Coping Vortex Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 It really did my head in that someone could do a complete 180 and leave. Then never contact ever again or seem to regret it. They always lie that "there's no one else". Don't they? Yes Sugarkane. When they first tell us that we want to believe them. Then sanity rolls in and we figure out what the real deal is. There was someone lurking behind the scenes all the time. I finally came to my senses. That is why after a couple of weeks after the BU I could not get her back. She was already involved by then.
Author Scrab22 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 I'm going through a similar/weird experience at the moment - except that there was actually no dumping!...there was lots of "it's only for a little while", "I'll come back around again soon", I'm not really sure what to do....but no "we should break up". This drove me nuts cos I just wanted a definitive so I tried to contact her to talk about it and she just started avoiding me and withdrew. I tried to initiate no contact but when I finally got to speak with her she was so shocked she asked for time to think about it - that was two weeks ago and nothing heard. I want her back!! but I don't know if we're broken up or shes thinking about things or even if we're in proper no contact!!! She just seems so evasive...It's really frustrating when you can't even talk about it (and she's a pretty good communicator normally). I feel like I should break no contact and re-establish the breakup definitively..any thoughts? Oh well :-( Try to give her time. In the meantime, do your usual business. Try to hangout with people and know that you have no commitment with your girlfriend right now (no need to worry for her, but don't make any affairs). See how time goes. Ask her once more and if there's a need, tell her she can just tell she wants to break up if she wants to! She sounds cowardly. Anyways, whatever she's doing is very mean and evasive.
LostOne1 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Try to give her time. In the meantime, do your usual business. Try to hangout with people and know that you have no commitment with your girlfriend right now (no need to worry for her, but don't make any affairs). See how time goes. Ask her once more and if there's a need, tell her she can just tell she wants to break up if she wants to! She sounds cowardly. Anyways, whatever she's doing is very mean and evasive. it's the worst my ex did that basically.. went from yeah lets work it out to no I don't want to. It was a cycle went on for awhile and it hurt a lot. The best way was to go NC. Because she wasn't able to make her mind up and a person can't sit and wait forever. No one wants their hopes to be crushed.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I agree that dumpers 9/10 have it WAY easier. I'm the dumper, and it's not easy. I broke up because it seemed clear to me he liked me but didn't love me. I think he thought he could make it work with someone he had high compatibility with but didn't really love, simply due to inexperience. What tripped me up is that he went to SO much trouble to keep seeing me after he moved to another city. It didn't make sense to me that he would do that if he only liked me - why not just find another OK girl in the new city? But who knows what his reasons for that were? I think he's in the confidence-building stage. He doesn't have the confidence to go for a woman he's crazy about yet (or has been shot down in the past when he tried), so is trying to build up experience with women he likes but isn't crazy about. I don't know that he's doing this consciously - probably more as a self-protective thing. I don't think either one of us has it easier than the other, or will have it easier in the future. He's gorgeous, successful, and all that, and women hit on him all the time, but he seems to be totally uninterested in meaningless hookups. He's also very sensitive to being used for his status or money. His challenge will be to find someone who lights his fire, and who is faithful, good-hearted, and all that jazz. I mean, he's going to have to do what we all have to do - find someone who loves us and whom we also love, in about equal measure. I don't have a problem finding a man who's crazy about me, or finding a man I'm crazy about. The hard thing is striking just the right balance, where you're giving and getting love in about equal proportion.
cervelo Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 How did it all turn out with you LostOne! - did she make up her mind during NC ? did she ever make contact ? Don't mean to Hijack the thread BTW:p
Author Scrab22 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 I'm the dumper, and it's not easy. I broke up because it seemed clear to me he liked me but didn't love me. I think he thought he could make it work with someone he had high compatibility with but didn't really love, simply due to inexperience. What tripped me up is that he went to SO much trouble to keep seeing me after he moved to another city. It didn't make sense to me that he would do that if he only liked me - why not just find another OK girl in the new city? But who knows what his reasons for that were? I think he's in the confidence-building stage. He doesn't have the confidence to go for a woman he's crazy about yet (or has been shot down in the past when he tried), so is trying to build up experience with women he likes but isn't crazy about. I don't know that he's doing this consciously - probably more as a self-protective thing. I don't think either one of us has it easier than the other, or will have it easier in the future. He's gorgeous, successful, and all that, and women hit on him all the time, but he seems to be totally uninterested in meaningless hookups. He's also very sensitive to being used for his status or money. His challenge will be to find someone who lights his fire, and who is faithful, good-hearted, and all that jazz. I mean, he's going to have to do what we all have to do - find someone who loves us and whom we also love, in about equal measure. I don't have a problem finding a man who's crazy about me, or finding a man I'm crazy about. The hard thing is striking just the right balance, where you're giving and getting love in about equal proportion. You have my respect, but did you at least try to talk to him about the case often or occasionally? Did you give him a honest talk? How did he feels afterwards?
Ruby Slippers Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 You have my respect, but did you at least try to talk to him about the case often or occasionally? Did you give him a honest talk? How did he feels afterwards? Thank you. Yes, I talked to him about it several times, in as productive and fair a way as I could. He reassured me that he wanted to be with me, and his actions supported that. But he did not tell me he loved me and definitely wanted to be with me long term. We talked about big subjects, and he suggested he was working toward a future together. But he never came out and made it crystal clear. He talked several times about moving back to my city. But he didn't have a concrete plan. Given that he had to move to another city a few months ago for work, I didn't feel motivated to keep investing my time and energy into visiting anymore. My impression is that we had fun, companionship, and some good stuff, but not solid, real love that motivated me to invest further. I know he liked me a lot for my intelligence, insight, personality, sense of fun, sexiness, and other qualities. I just don't feel that he saw me as The One. I'm ready to settle down and have a family, so I have no interest in spending an indefinite amount of time dating someone. Given that he either didn't have feelings of love or wasn't ready to articulate them in 6 months, I decided to move on. 1
NoMagicBullet Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Scrab, no offense here, but are you kind of young? Under 25 maybe? If so, I think things will make more sense as you go along in life and have more experiences with people who want to be with you when you don't want to be with them. Really, there is always a reason. And the thing is, sometimes the dumper knows that the dumpee will not accept the reason they want to end it, maybe not any reason. Maybe the dumpee isnt ready to accept their personal issues that are contributing to the problem, and the dumper knows this (I think Ruby Slipper's story may fall into this category). Maybe the dumper has personal issues that prevent them from moving forward in the relationship, so they end it. Sometimes the dumper can tell when further discussion isn't going to benefit either person. You mentioned in your post about your "moves" and I assume you're talking sex. But relationships require a lot more than that, and there could have been other things you missed. Sometimes one person can't effectively express what they need from the other person in the relationship (especially true for younger people), they just know it's not working out, so they end it. I'm sorry, Scrab, but sometimes you just don't get closure after a breakup. Even if they tell you why, it won't help you unless you can accept and understand their reason and why continuing the relationship won't work. But even if you don't get a reason, there is always a reason, even if it is not an obvious one.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I agree that it's only fair to explain your reasons for breaking up with someone. I could never be so callous as to leave someone in the dark about why I'm breaking up. And I also wouldn't break up with someone without giving him a chance to step up before it got to that point. But I've learned I'm more compassionate and fair than a lot of people. That's fine. I'm happy with who I am, and I sleep well at night knowing I've been fair with people.
LostOne1 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I'm the dumper, and it's not easy. I broke up because it seemed clear to me he liked me but didn't love me. I think he thought he could make it work with someone he had high compatibility with but didn't really love, simply due to inexperience. What tripped me up is that he went to SO much trouble to keep seeing me after he moved to another city. It didn't make sense to me that he would do that if he only liked me - why not just find another OK girl in the new city? But who knows what his reasons for that were? I think he's in the confidence-building stage. He doesn't have the confidence to go for a woman he's crazy about yet (or has been shot down in the past when he tried), so is trying to build up experience with women he likes but isn't crazy about. I don't know that he's doing this consciously - probably more as a self-protective thing. I don't think either one of us has it easier than the other, or will have it easier in the future. He's gorgeous, successful, and all that, and women hit on him all the time, but he seems to be totally uninterested in meaningless hookups. He's also very sensitive to being used for his status or money. His challenge will be to find someone who lights his fire, and who is faithful, good-hearted, and all that jazz. I mean, he's going to have to do what we all have to do - find someone who loves us and whom we also love, in about equal measure. I don't have a problem finding a man who's crazy about me, or finding a man I'm crazy about. The hard thing is striking just the right balance, where you're giving and getting love in about equal proportion. I don't know.. I kinda see your point of view. But I kind of disagree. I Don't believe there is a such thing as a balance. There is never going to be a balance. It's all about what your willing to accept. And these days people are only willing accept more than give more. Its your decision, but I feel he did love you and maybe due to inexperience things were harder for him. But I don't believe in breaking love because someone is inexperienced. At the end of the day its your decision and how you feel. But to me I think it's a bad one. Although having time apart might help too.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Its your decision, but I feel he did love you and maybe due to inexperience things were harder for him. But I don't believe in breaking love because someone is inexperienced. At the end of the day its your decision and how you feel. But to me I think it's a bad one. Although having time apart might help too. I feel I gave things a very fair chance. And I only asked for a month of no contact. If he thinks things over this month, then comes to me afterward and says I love you, I want to be with you, and here's how we can make it happen, I'll most likely consider it. But I don't expect that to happen. This guy's a go-getter, and nothing stops him from going for what he wants. If he wants something, he simply makes it happen. I think that whenever he meets the right woman and he's ready, he'll make that crystal clear.
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