newme9 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 my husband adn i are going through a divorce now. we were really in love but we didnt know each other as well as i think we should have. it was a hard marriage and i didnt learn how to fix myself till a month before he left. with that said, even though it was a painful marriage, i understand he needed to leave, but why did he ask for such a quick divorce. he never cheated on me and is not with anyone now, but my question is why do some men request a very quick divorce without giving the separation some time. any thoughts men?
M30USA Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 my husband adn i are going through a divorce now. we were really in love but we didnt know each other as well as i think we should have. it was a hard marriage and i didnt learn how to fix myself till a month before he left. with that said, even though it was a painful marriage, i understand he needed to leave, but why did he ask for such a quick divorce. he never cheated on me and is not with anyone now, but my question is why do some men request a very quick divorce without giving the separation some time. any thoughts men? Because most men know they're going to lose the divorce anyway--unless the woman is a convicted serial killer addicted to drugs. I am not exaggerating. I thought I stood a fantastic chance of primary custody--as good as any man could have. If I'd have known the judge was what I call a "default ruler", I wouldn't have wasted my time and money. My lawyer told me he didn't even fight during his own divorce because he thought his ex would harm the children if he got primary. So there's your reason. I'm sure this applies to at least a good chunk of men.
GuyInLimbo Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Well, on the flip side, what's the point of dragging it out? If you're going to get divorced, then my view is get it done as quickly as possible so both parties can move on with their lives.
jwi71 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 A myriad of reasons really with each respondent having their own valid answer. Given that ask your H - no one better than he to answer. 2
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 If the H is the one supporting the W, the sooner the filing date the better financially. Less alimony time, less assets to split up. Earlier is better when thinking of $$. Did you cheat on him? That's another factor.
Author newme9 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 we dont have children so it was a matter of psychology. long story short, i was plagued with anxiety attacks which made our marriage very difficult and we both didnt know what to do. i found out recently it was the pill that made some women crazy as i never had this problem ever before adn thought it was the marriage. so when i found out though he had already decided to move out and that was that. he said there was no chance of reconciliation. i knew it wasnt only teh pill, i had a lot of things i had to work out in my head as having come from a broken family. so i took that time after he left for introspection and to take responsibilty for my part and accept it as something i needed to go through to grow as a person. now its been 6 months since he left, i filed per his request becasue we were living out state. I have respected his decision and want nothing but to allow him to move forward but a few questions linger such as why he coudlnt allow us some time to separate and figure things out or why he felt psychologically we needed to divorce immediately. i guess the one that said if we're goin to do it, might as well do it quickly and get it over with. i ask cause i want to know, did my soon to be ex husband make a rash decision or was he trying to tell me, this is it, theres no way of getting back together and fixing it. in my heart i just want to make sure he made the right decision for himself and that he made it in a healthy state of mind.
M30USA Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 If the H is the one supporting the W, the sooner the filing date the better financially. Less alimony time, less assets to split up. Earlier is better when thinking of $$. Did you cheat on him? That's another factor. Divorces are no fault. It doesn't matter if you cheated...except, of course, if you're a man...then it will be held against you, unofficially. (This wasn't the case with me but I seen it happen many times.)
Author newme9 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 btw, thank you so much for the responses. i am so grateful! ninjas husband, there was no cheating involved. he is a good and moral man but he has had a very charmed life and as soon as he met me that went out the door. i think his tolerance for pain and hardship is very low but with that said, we were together for 3 years so he did try. i knew it was something i had to figure out but it just didnt come in time. i realize now that we both just need different partners though it is sad cause we had a beautiful love for each other. so he would never cheat on me. i know that i took away some of his love for life as the anxiety effected both of us greatly. but he is a mans man and i am worried he is not getting teh help he needs with self reflection and internalizing it. i hope to learn a little of the mans perspective here for future reference. its been 6 months so i wonder if its ok to also send him a message of all that ive learned and to apologize not to reconcile because i think we are both way beyond that point, but to let him know i care about him still, with no anger for him leaving and that i am there for him as a friend if he needs. 1
Author newme9 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 no alimony. we kept it separate whats his he kept, whats mine i kept. i believe in marriage equality so that means also that we both shouldnt be supporting one another in any way unless there were children involved.
carhill Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 OP, like someone here told me a long time ago regarding our divorce process, genders reversed, he just doesn't want to be married to you anymore. It's really nothing more complicated than that. 'Reasons' may differ, but essentially he wants it over and done. It sounds like your D will be relatively painless financially so that's a plus. The emotional grief will take time and, IME, dragging it out only lengthens the grief process. My sympathies and welcome to LS
Author newme9 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 thanks carhill. its good to hear that. sucks but truth is always good to hear. so it sounds like youre saying he made a healthy decision for himself? i think thats how i also took it and that maybe he truly loved me but not in the unconditional way that we need for marriage. its just so hard to understand how someone who loves so much give up so quickly but we are all different so i should just accept it as a time in my life for growth and leave it at that.
carhill Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 It's hard to know what is in another's mind. Everyone is different in how they process their emotions, communicate them and act on them. Clearly, when I hear someone say they wish complete distance or act in a manner which indicates same, I take that as authentic. YMMV. It gets better. The other side of better is that, should you risk love again, the same risk obtains. No free lunch in life.
Tiberius Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Why wouldnt you want a quick divorce? What kind of question is this?
carhill Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 A person who sees a 'chance' for reconciliation is permanently ended with a legal divorce might wish a 'longer' one to effect such a reconciliation. In reality, no document can keep two people apart who want to be together so a divorce is pretty irrelevant from the relationship standpoint, rather dissolves the legal partnership.
Author newme9 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Why wouldnt you want a quick divorce? What kind of question is this? because maybe a separation is needed to reconcile but to offer no chance at all for that means its very final and to think that when 2 people love each other so much wouldnt they deplete all options before making it final? sometimes people make unhealthy choices/decisions and from these decisions show that they are not in the right state of mind. so my question was to see if maybe he made the decision in a rash way or if it wast he healthy choice for him.
UpwardForward Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 because maybe a separation is needed to reconcile but to offer no chance at all for that means its very final and to think that when 2 people love each other so much wouldnt they deplete all options before making it final? sometimes people make unhealthy choices/decisions and from these decisions show that they are not in the right state of mind. so my question was to see if maybe he made the decision in a rash way or if it wast he healthy choice for him. Since he asked you to file, have you been in touch with him to see if he is in a rush, and why?
Author newme9 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 my next question would be for men but of course any insight would be appreciated. now that i have moved forward and figured out the dysfunctions i had in my marriage, is it better to leave my soon to be ex-h alone and move forward or do you think it is ok to send him a letter about all the things i learned about myself and about love, and how his impact on me as a husband and friend in my life while adn before our marriage has helped shape me (as i have chosen to focus on the positive and good things rather than the bad) to be a better person. i want to end this on note that says our marriage though did end in divorce was in no way a failure to me. i dont know if this is appropriate or if it will hurt him more because he was the one that left adn wanted a quick divorce and from the responses on this forum show me that he just wants nothing really to do with me. but i would like to help us end on a nice note so we can both move forward in a healthy way into our new but separate lives. any man leave his wife and is angry with them for being married? would you want to hear from your ex that you were able to help her even if you left?
Author newme9 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 upward forward, we have seen each other a few times. twice he came by the place we use to live in to pick up a few things. he called a few times and when i called back he was quite cold and i asked a few times if he would consider just taking some time to think it over adn maybe talk about it later when we are feeling better and a little healthier rather than divorcing immediately and he is a very prideful man that rarely retracts on his decisions. he said no, he wanted a divorce. one time he came for a business trip to the city i moved to and we had coffee. it was fine, nothing heavy just catching up but he wouldnt look at me and still felt like he had a distaste for me. i kept it light hearted. that was 4 months after he left. it is now 6 and we havent spoken. but i recently spoke to a friend of his and she said he is not talkign to anyone about it and is internalizing so now i worry. i feel like i should reach out to maybe share how i have been doing so that maybe i can share my appreciation for the marriage and maybe itll get rid of some of his guilt for having left and maybe he can start to open up again. i figure hes not talkign to anyone about this, let alone me.
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Divorces are no fault. It doesn't matter if you cheated...except, of course, if you're a man...then it will be held against you, unofficially. (This wasn't the case with me but I seen it happen many times.) Most states are no fault, but not all. That wasn't my point though. If the wife cheated, the husband may just be done and wants to move on faster emotionally, regardless of legal stuff. Heh believe I'm aware of the legal part. I've been in the divorce process for like 6 months... D=
Tiberius Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 because maybe a separation is needed to reconcile but to offer no chance at all for that means its very final and to think that when 2 people love each other so much wouldnt they deplete all options before making it final? sometimes people make unhealthy choices/decisions and from these decisions show that they are not in the right state of mind. so my question was to see if maybe he made the decision in a rash way or if it wast he healthy choice for him. Okay put like that. The way you worded it I thought the choices were a quick divorce and a long drawn out divorce.
Trimmer Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Okay put like that. The way you worded it I thought the choices were a quick divorce and a long drawn out divorce. Yeah, but if you flip it around to be something more along the lines of: if we separated, what does it mean if a man wants to end the separation quickly, by initiating a divorce? But then, that formulation kind of answers itself, doesn't it: he just doesn't want to be married to you anymore. It's really nothing more complicated than that. 'Reasons' may differ, but essentially he wants it over and done. thanks carhill. its good to hear that. sucks but truth is always good to hear. so it sounds like youre saying he made a healthy decision for himself? There's no way to know for sure whether he will turn out more or less healthy as a result of the decision he's made - about all you can infer is that he made a decision that he thought was the right one to make. Beyond that you would have to try to get into his head, and I want to warn you against that. I'll mean this gently, but all his behaviors indicate that he wants to be done with you. His initiating the divorce, his unwillingness to consider waiting a while, his cold manner, his lack of eye contact. He's trying to move on (divorce), he's trying to push the process along (no "waiting to see"), and he's putting up defenses (eye contact, cold manner...) So given that context, I would suggest that your (good-hearted) desire to share your positive thoughts and to help him through whatever difficulties you perceive he is experiencing might not be received positively. And back to my point about getting into his head: trying to interpret what is going on inside him is completely understandable (I spent a lot of time and energy trying to figure that out with my own walk-away spouse) but is largely wasted energy on your part, which will distract you and sap the energy from your endeavors in moving yourself forward, healing, and creating new growth. If he were struggling, reaching out to you in some way, it might be something to consider. But if it seems that every indication - overt and subconscious - is that he wants to move on, move away from you, and put up barriers between himself and you, then you don't want to spend your energy tilting at that windmill, in the name of trying to help him. He's made his decision. Unless there's some indication that he's open to your overtures, I tell you this for your own sake: give him what he wants and let him go. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 thanks carhill. its good to hear that. sucks but truth is always good to hear. so it sounds like youre saying he made a healthy decision for himself? i think thats how i also took it and that maybe he truly loved me but not in the unconditional way that we need for marriage. its just so hard to understand how someone who loves so much give up so quickly but we are all different so i should just accept it as a time in my life for growth and leave it at that. Maybe he just couldn't handle the anxiety and was scared? Honestly, I think he bailed on you, instead of supporting you and helping you find a good therapist to cope with your anxiety disorder. He just couldn't handle it and when one is married, it's through tough times too, not just the fun and easy times. He decided he wanted out and detached. Once his mind was made up, he didn't see the need to drag things out. How is your anxiety now? I suffered from anxiety for a while before realizing what it was, then I knew I needed help. Cognitive behaviour therapy saved me. (CBT). Look into this type of therapy, if you haven't found a T yet. 1
Gunny376 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I can't speak for anyone one ~ but for me, myself and I? Pain avoidance! And if I can't avoid it, then give me a thick piece of leather to bight down on, hold me down, and slap hot iron to the gaping bleeding wound and let's get it over and done with! Sure it'll hurt like ten thousand Hells and Mother-truckers! But it will be only temporary ~ pain is nothing more than weakness leaving the body! And that's what it was for me? When I went through the Big D ~ over twenty something years ago? I was walking around in tha' fog of it all. I lost my ambition, my self confidence, my ______________________(Hell just fill in the blank!) One of the few good things that comes from all of this is that you develop and certain amount of immunity. I've grown cautious and hard when it comes to a woman walks out on me! A woman walks out on me? I'm done! I'm not going! I'm gone! There's not going to be any finding yourself, second chances. I personally think marriage is a bunch of crap! I think that its good for a couple for all of about two sessions. I think that for the first session that the husband should pay the full bill up-front! And the second session that the the wife should pay for the full amount up-front! No insurance! Straight out of pocket! Then when the both realize how damn expensive it is? They'll both get their heads out of their azz and get down to what they should have been doing to begin with! Getting back to the fundementals and basics! Talk, communicate, quit arguing about BS! Get over the minor and petty! The simple fact of the matter is! If your Blessed to have been in a "First World" Western country, you've got your health, your strength, your freedom ~ your way, way, way ahead of the game compared to most of the other 6 or 7 billion poor souls on the planet! Most of the reasons that men give for leaving a marriage? Most of the reasons that women give up on marriage to their husbands? Is a bunch of whinny, bitching, moaning, complaining BS! I am blessed do you hear me! BLESSED!
Author newme9 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 Yeah, but if you flip it around to be something more along the lines of: if we separated, what does it mean if a man wants to end the separation quickly, by initiating a divorce? But then, that formulation kind of answers itself, doesn't it: There's no way to know for sure whether he will turn out more or less healthy as a result of the decision he's made - about all you can infer is that he made a decision that he thought was the right one to make. Beyond that you would have to try to get into his head, and I want to warn you against that. I'll mean this gently, but all his behaviors indicate that he wants to be done with you. His initiating the divorce, his unwillingness to consider waiting a while, his cold manner, his lack of eye contact. He's trying to move on (divorce), he's trying to push the process along (no "waiting to see"), and he's putting up defenses (eye contact, cold manner...) So given that context, I would suggest that your (good-hearted) desire to share your positive thoughts and to help him through whatever difficulties you perceive he is experiencing might not be received positively. And back to my point about getting into his head: trying to interpret what is going on inside him is completely understandable (I spent a lot of time and energy trying to figure that out with my own walk-away spouse) but is largely wasted energy on your part, which will distract you and sap the energy from your endeavors in moving yourself forward, healing, and creating new growth. If he were struggling, reaching out to you in some way, it might be something to consider. But if it seems that every indication - overt and subconscious - is that he wants to move on, move away from you, and put up barriers between himself and you, then you don't want to spend your energy tilting at that windmill, in the name of trying to help him. He's made his decision. Unless there's some indication that he's open to your overtures, I tell you this for your own sake: give him what he wants and let him go. thank you so much. i think this really helped. i talked to one of his friends today and she told me he did this in college with a bad breakup. it seems that it is a pattern where he shuts down and wants nothing to do with the person. its funny to learn things like this almost 5 years of knowning him and not knowing him well enough. i thought him wanting to see me over coffee when he came on a business trip was his way of possibly reaching out but youre right, and maybe he just felt obligated to fit me into his schedule since he was in town. i really appreciate your honesty with me as honesty is the only way to reality. so grateful for your insight. if he doesnt want introspection and self reflection theres no way an ex wife that he is so mad at will help. thank you!
Author newme9 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 Maybe he just couldn't handle the anxiety and was scared? Honestly, I think he bailed on you, instead of supporting you and helping you find a good therapist to cope with your anxiety disorder. He just couldn't handle it and when one is married, it's through tough times too, not just the fun and easy times. He decided he wanted out and detached. Once his mind was made up, he didn't see the need to drag things out. How is your anxiety now? I suffered from anxiety for a while before realizing what it was, then I knew I needed help. Cognitive behaviour therapy saved me. (CBT). Look into this type of therapy, if you haven't found a T yet. thank you so much for your response. a doctor i saw told me i should try not beign on the pill and see if it helped since i only had teh anxiety during our marriage and engagement. i didnt realize it was the pill till a few weeks later after he left which was only 2 weeks after i stopped the pill, not tihnking much of it and being distracted by him leaving but even though it was painful not once did i have an anxiety attack ever again. so it took some time for me to figure it out. so i was on the road to recovery regardless of whether he was there or not. i did read a lot of books on psychology and one was on cognitive behavioral therapy and really changed my perspective on things. i thought it was great!!! and a must read for everyone. i also read up on books like the power of now which is very hard to accept unless open to it. but now i try to be conscious and live in teh present moment. all helped with understanding anxiety. youre right, i think he coudlnt support me and bailed which is unfortunate but i have accepted that we are all human and we have our limits. its all common knowledge if someone were to come in and read these comments but, whichwayisup, it does help me a lot to hear it again in plain english from someone like you, that he just couldnt hang and wanted out. i view it as the best thing that ever happened to me cause now i know about anxiety and it helped me find compassion for others going through it.
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