woogy Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 My WH left me in July but then we reconciled in September (I posted my story on the separation/divorce forum). I didn't get the details of his EA until a few weeks ago. I had asked him previously and he gave me little bits of pieces but never everything. It wasn't until I hacked into his email account and game account that I found he had a few "internet relationships" in the past year. (Plus finding the fact that he lied when he told me he deleted the OW's contact info because he still had both of her email addresses in his account.) After telling him that I found the information and he needed to be fully honest with me he came clean about each woman. He gave me the passwords to his secret email (the one I hacked and he changed the password back), his phone and he took the password off his computer. The only thing that bothers me is I found the chat logs on his computer from the game where he met these woman and only got to read parts of them because we were arguing at the time and he came over and told me to get off his computer and deleted everything. I looked briefly at each log and there weren't any other woman besides those I found and he then told me about. But my question is, why do I feel the need to read these? All it does is make me hurt more reading how he loved them and his sexual advances with them (which they returned). I keep thinking about these logs and want to try to recover them and then I ask myself why, how will this help you? Could it be because he was vague in his details? Like he told me he messed around with them in the game but didn't go into any further details besides that he only skyped, emailed and had phone sex with the last one that he was going to leave me for (which I got this info from her the night I found her number on our cell phone bill). So he really didn't confess, she told me and the rest I found on my own. But there are questions I would like to ask him like did you have pet names for each other? Did you have their real life address? Did they ever send you anything, gifts, cards, letters, etc besides just online stuff? And when I think about this, I ask myself, how will this help us? How will knowing any of this help me? I want to move on but my mind keeps playing this over and over. Any thoughts?
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I think he should answer your questions. You're right that you can drive yourself crazy with what you imagine. I think it's normal. Unfortunately if he won't talk, he probably won't and if he does it'll be more lies and minimization if that's what he's already done. Cheaters lie a lot...and if they've already proven to be untrustworthy over and over things aren't likely to change =\ The question is how much can you swallow I guess? What are you getting out of it? Do you have kids? Trying to keep a family together? Disclaimer, I'm a BS who has failed in reconciliation. My ex lied through 3 months of counseling, even to our MC when she was in private sessions. There's probably a good reason we should have had separate IC and MC people...maybe she would have felt safe enough to confide in a separate IC? I dunno. I ramble. My message isn't very hopeful...I hope you find peace. Maybe some of the BSs who made through to the other side will have more positive things to say. I know at least one BW here who's WH lied a lot and they made it somehow through it all. 1
buckeyeblue Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Woogy - I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. Your question is one that all of us BSs wrestle with. I think the need to know is so strong for two reasons. First, it is inconceivable to authentic people to live two completely separate lives, both of which are deceiptful and not authentic. We can't imagine the lack of respect and integrity it takes to live such a huge lie day in and day out. We can't imagine having a completely second life that is secret and hidden, tucked away like a dirty little secret. I have never been ashamed of what I was doing or had done to such a degree that I could not tell anybody. Our mind has been given the information, but we can't seem to emotionally process it until it has been fully disclosed and becomes "real" to us. I like to compare it to the Truman Show. The second reason is that we have a morbid curiosity to know what could possibly cause our spouses to betray us and their children to this degree. I have to admit that I did my own investigation of the OW and when I discovered that she was trash, my curiosity ended. She was just a sl** - a divorced mother of two children with two different fathers. I found out that in order to have sex with my husband 6-8 times, she LEFT HER CHILDREN (that she sees only part-time) and paid $600+ for a plane ticket to fly 2000 miles out to meet him for sex. Talk about f**cked up. After I discovered this, I didn't have to know anything more - she could not be more of a loser. [in a sick kind of way, I actually pitied her. How low do you have to feel about yourself to PAY $600 for sex?]. It revolted me so much that he had sex with a loser like that, that I left him. And, like most MM, he threw her away like yesterday's trash. I know that some BSs have to know every detail, but I can't understand how knowing certain very intimate details can help you heal. Yes, you need an STD test. Yes, you need to know for how long, how & when they got together, and whether it is over. Beyond that, I think would just be a hindrance to your healing. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I know that some BSs have to know every detail, but I can't understand how knowing certain very intimate details can help you heal. Yes, you need an STD test. Yes, you need to know for how long, how & when they got together, and whether it is over. Beyond that, I think would just be a hindrance to your healing. Woggy, I have to agree with this. Be careful what you wish for... Also, don't underestimate your mind's ability to keep on playing. No set of responses is going to answer all your questions. One of the reasons recovery is so difficult. Mr. Lucky
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I think if you want to know, you should. For the WH to tell you that he won't answer should be a deal breaker. It should not matter to him why you need to know. You should and are asking yourself these questions but if you decide you want answers who is he to say no?
buckeyeblue Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I wanted to add that this is such an individualized question for every BS, but I have to agree with CantgetoveritNY, that your WS must honor whatever it is you decide you need. One thing I will caution you is that, once you know something, you can't "unknow" it. I know a couple of things that I wish I did not. They will not help me with my healing and they are extremely hurtful. They added nothing to my decision to leave, but they have subtracted tremendously from my ability to heal.
Author woogy Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Thanks for the replies. I think the reason I want the details now is because I caught him lying to me when I found out he never deleted her contact info and that it was more than one woman he had an internet relationship with. I confronted him when the OW told me she wasn't the first he met on this game and of course he denied it. When I hacked his game account and saw for myself there were 2 others, that's when it all came flooding back. I was doing really good, we were getting along, he was showing me attention and being loving and then this. Now it's like I'm back to square one with all the questions. I want to know and then again I don't because I don't want to dwell on it either. I want to move on with our lives and just forget all this. I know that won't ever happen and I will always have my guard up from now on. Ugh, this is so hard.
BetrayedH Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I recommend you read post #2 in this thread... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know 2
screwedovertwenty Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I need details too. I have gone through the last years worth of phone records and have asked him about every number. The ones he looked couldn't remember, I looked up online. I am going through the records so I can see when he texted her last and when he texted me last each night so I can figure out what days they were together. He would get off work, go pick her up and take her to their spot then take her home and then text me that he was off. Luckily, seeing the amount of time that they actually spent doing it, doesn't make me feel like it was better than what we had. It was much faster. That makes me feel better. The fact that they did it the day after we went out for our aniversary and then the day after our actual anniversary kills me. I hate our wedding picture now and our rings. If I could have found a hammer the rings would be shattered by now. I am very OCD and need details so I can know what really happened the last year.
Spark1111 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 you need the details because he lied....by omission...again! And for that, you cannot trust him. WSs do not understand what a wonderful gift reconciliation and the gift of forgiveness is... they think, if you only know the minimum, which is terrible enough, that maybe you won't hate them. the don't understand that you will distrust them even more with every lie they tell. The have a brief window of opportunity to spill it all before you walk away. they are cowards. even THEY do not want to remember how atrocious their behavior was and how badly they acted. but to think it will NOT affect the BS's trust of them is the height of delusion! you gave a gift and in their weakness, they spat on it. it makes our quest for the truth all consuming. we become obsessed,as in, if you really wanted me to trust you, why withhold all the info? obviously, he behaved very poorly with not one, but several women. discovering this info sets the recovery clock back to square one. it is DDAY all over again. What do you intend to do about it? I kept throwing him out until his fear of life without me for Ed his hand and I got it all.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I think the reason I want the details now is because I caught him lying to me when I found out he never deleted her contact info and that it was more than one woman he had an internet relationship with. I confronted him when the OW told me she wasn't the first he met on this game and of course he denied it. When I hacked his game account and saw for myself there were 2 others, that's when it all came flooding back. But what more info do you need? He cheated and lied once, you took him back and now he's lied again. He's already flunked out of school, so why have him retested ??? Sounds like you're stalling for time because you don't want to face a difficult truth - this isn't a man that you can trust enough to spend the rest of your life with. As hard as it is to accept, the next step is obvious... Mr. Lucky
Gagirl Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Try to find out as much as you can so you can have peace in your life. Things were hidden from me for years. When I finally found out the truth, I felt this huge weight fall off my shoulders. I finally had the last piece of the puzzle and it felt amazing to know the truth after years of asking the same questions over and over. After I finally found out the truth, I was able to take control of situation and make changes that I wasn't given the oportunity to before. I am at peace now and so much happier. I hope you find all the answers you are looking for.
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