mrshoeman Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Hello all, Well, where to begin. I have been married for 8 years, together with my wife for 9 years. We had a great relationship, but things just declined over time to the point where on a daily basis we wouldn't speak to each other except when we had to, I slept on the couch most if not all nights for close to a year and having sex was like producing an act of Congress. I can't say for what reasons why things got they way they did, but we've had our differences, trials, tribulations, etc. and I am at the point where I am starting to follow my feelings and just end the marriage. Previously, I believe I was following my mind and agreed to things to make our lives easier (as in terms of not getting a divorce, etc). Our problems have always been there, but we just ignored them or set the problems aside like they never existed. Most of our problems were small, but nagging issues that never went away. A lot of the problems weren't serious like she stealing my money or cheating on me or any of the really horrible things couples experience, but these were issues that you would hope get resolved in the beginning of the courting period of the relationship. Well, they didn't get resolved and the problems got worse and other problems evolved. We initially didn't get married for love, but the marriage was an agreement as I was her boyfriend at the time and she needed help with a legal proceeding. I was willing because I said why not me since we were in a relationship at the time. As the relationship progressed, we separated within the first 2 years for a few months, then got back together. However, since then, because of the way I felt about things and really didn't believe our relationship was in a good state, I asked for a divorce on more than 5 occasions. As usual, my wife pleaded with me and encouraged me to let us try and work on things. Over time, we would say we tried, but I really know that we didn't try to work on things. Issues kept coming up, we talked, we mentioned the problems, we say we would work on things, but nothing changed. The last time I asked my wife for a divorce was a couple months ago, and the same thing happened: she pleaded with me and I gave in and said lets give it another shot. Now here comes the bad news. I ended up cheating on her. I have since asked her for a divorce, again, and I revealed that I cheated. I know I was wrong, I know how bad I hurt her, I know that this wasn't the right thing to do, but deep down inside, I don't want to work on things anymore and end the marriage. The bad thing about all of this is that she still really wants us to work on the marriage, but I told her that our time was up. Enough was enough and I just couldn't stand the fact that we didn't interact with each other on a daily basis, we rarely had sex, we slept apart, and generally just didn't get along most of the time. I still do and will always love her, but I don't have the same feelings for her as I once did. I still care about her and would help her in any way I can. If she ask for something, I'll do it. But I don't feel this is the right relationship. I believe deep down inside that if she give it time, being a part from me will probably show her that we are better off going our separate ways. Now, to be clear, we both have contributed to the issues in our relationship. This wasn't a one way street or always one sided (except for me cheating recently), so I fully understand and take what responsibility is mine. We don't have any kids and we don't own any property. Am I wrong for feeling like this or bad for wanting to end the marriage? Counseling? Well, she wants to go, but I don't. I kind of already have my mind made up, but I am considering a short term non-religions based marriage counselor just so I can say I did it and so she can hopefully let me go. We are both 29 years old. I am on my way to find an apartment so we can live separately. Thanks in advance for any of your input.
Snowflower Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Why did you cheat on your wife? If you knew you wanted out of the marriage, why didn't you just divorce her like you planned to? Why add insult to injury? Are you planning to pursue a relationship with the woman you cheated with?
Author mrshoeman Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 Why did you cheat on your wife? Can't say why I cheated other than I already wanted out and had mentally checked out of the marriage. Things were only getting worse in our relationship. No, it is not an excuse, but unhappiness can drive people to do bad things. If you knew you wanted out of the marriage, why didn't you just divorce her like you planned to? Believe it or not, I did ask my wife for a divorce a few times and even the second before the last time, she refused to accept that I wanted a divorce. The problem is that to get a divorce, to make things easier both parties should be able sign the papers instead of having a disagreement. I know that if I just got papers she would have disagreed and not signed--causing a two year waiting period before the separation would be final. Are you planning to pursue a relationship with the woman you cheated with? Funny you ask as I am not thinking about it, but if it happens, I wouldn't prevent myself from being with the other woman.
jf2good Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I agree do the counseling for her, but sounds like you should get divorced. I know you say you don't have sex with your wife, just be careful she doesn't start offering it up to keep you and get pregnant as a trap. Best of luck.
newme9 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Hello all, Well, where to begin. I have been married for 8 years, together with my wife for 9 years. We had a great relationship, but things just declined over time to the point where on a daily basis we wouldn't speak to each other except when we had to, I slept on the couch most if not all nights for close to a year and having sex was like producing an act of Congress. I can't say for what reasons why things got they way they did, but we've had our differences, trials, tribulations, etc. and I am at the point where I am starting to follow my feelings and just end the marriage. Previously, I believe I was following my mind and agreed to things to make our lives easier (as in terms of not getting a divorce, etc). Our problems have always been there, but we just ignored them or set the problems aside like they never existed. Most of our problems were small, but nagging issues that never went away. A lot of the problems weren't serious like she stealing my money or cheating on me or any of the really horrible things couples experience, but these were issues that you would hope get resolved in the beginning of the courting period of the relationship. Well, they didn't get resolved and the problems got worse and other problems evolved. We initially didn't get married for love, but the marriage was an agreement as I was her boyfriend at the time and she needed help with a legal proceeding. I was willing because I said why not me since we were in a relationship at the time. As the relationship progressed, we separated within the first 2 years for a few months, then got back together. However, since then, because of the way I felt about things and really didn't believe our relationship was in a good state, I asked for a divorce on more than 5 occasions. As usual, my wife pleaded with me and encouraged me to let us try and work on things. Over time, we would say we tried, but I really know that we didn't try to work on things. Issues kept coming up, we talked, we mentioned the problems, we say we would work on things, but nothing changed. The last time I asked my wife for a divorce was a couple months ago, and the same thing happened: she pleaded with me and I gave in and said lets give it another shot. Now here comes the bad news. I ended up cheating on her. I have since asked her for a divorce, again, and I revealed that I cheated. I know I was wrong, I know how bad I hurt her, I know that this wasn't the right thing to do, but deep down inside, I don't want to work on things anymore and end the marriage. The bad thing about all of this is that she still really wants us to work on the marriage, but I told her that our time was up. Enough was enough and I just couldn't stand the fact that we didn't interact with each other on a daily basis, we rarely had sex, we slept apart, and generally just didn't get along most of the time. I still do and will always love her, but I don't have the same feelings for her as I once did. I still care about her and would help her in any way I can. If she ask for something, I'll do it. But I don't feel this is the right relationship. I believe deep down inside that if she give it time, being a part from me will probably show her that we are better off going our separate ways. Now, to be clear, we both have contributed to the issues in our relationship. This wasn't a one way street or always one sided (except for me cheating recently), so I fully understand and take what responsibility is mine. We don't have any kids and we don't own any property. Am I wrong for feeling like this or bad for wanting to end the marriage? Counseling? Well, she wants to go, but I don't. I kind of already have my mind made up, but I am considering a short term non-religions based marriage counselor just so I can say I did it and so she can hopefully let me go. We are both 29 years old. I am on my way to find an apartment so we can live separately. Thanks in advance for any of your input. when you chose to love someone & marry them it should be valued and worked on. if you havent been to counseling and whatever the reason prideful/egotistical or stubborn to believe change that is a bit cowardly and so maybe then you owe it to her to get out of the marriage. i believe people should deplete all options and resources before deciding on life changing decision such as divorce. psychology studies show that couples that can overcome a major obstacles in marriage learn to grow/evolve together and end up with an amazing bond, are happier and have higher well being and satisfaction in life and actually live longer than those who divorce. overcoming something that seems impossible is triumph of the human spirit and proves to us that the bond and love we create in our own lives is the most important part of living. i hope that anyone reading thins thinking of leaving their spouse thinks twice and considers a real change to both parties. we all have the ability to change adn grow for the better.
thisle4g Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Although ending up your marriage may be the easiest option right now, I would suggest carefully consider your decision. There are full effects and challenges you would be facing. In fact, I came across an article that I think it is accurate and realistic. It talks that after 30 years of research, we now know that divorce seldom leads to a better life. And, that a recently study found that those who where unhappy but stayed married were more likely to be happy five years later than those who divorced. This is an important decision, and I would encourage you to process all of this with a counselor. Since you've mentioned that you still care and lover her, the book "10 Choices" by Mark Gaither may be worth a look. Best to you!
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