meeji Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 For those of you have read my previous posts, I don't need to explain but for those who haven't, here it is. I was with a guy for 6 montha, in a ldr. this guy flew me overseas and spent loss of money wowing me with expensive gifts. He said he was in love and wanted a long term, stable relationship. We talked about closing the distance and a future together ( conversations about this happened 2x. Well he suddenly became confused about what he wants and said he was afraid of commitment. On two occasions, I tried to end it add I didn't see a point to waiting on false hopes (the second being successful). I decided to go no contact for an undefined amount of time. Party of my question is about who should initiate contact first. I ended the relationship because he had mixed feelings and didn't want to commit.my thinking is that even though I ended it, it ended because of him and his uncertainty. Do you guys think that it's wrong for me to view myself as the dumper? What would you do differently? The second question still leaves me baffled. he is scheduled to fly here in two Weeks and I haven't decided what to do. My mind keeps changing. As a result of this new no contract rule, I think I'm leaning more towards no contact up to the date of his flight and if he does not contact me prior to that, no visit and is a wrap. I have told him about 3x that I was very upset and did not wish to communicate with him.
Author meeji Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Typing on a tablet.. Anyway, at this point, I'm sure he thinks he is respecting my wishes but is it dumb of me to think he will contact before the flight or will he just wait for me to contact him since I asked him not to contact me? I also told him that I'm having second thoughts about the Trip so I guesses he could also assume that if I don't contact him with an invitation, I decided on no. This no contact stuff is new to me and is pretty hard to do. I made to day 4 and it's has already gotten easier
geegirl Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 What is your objective? There's a lot of guessing games going on here. You state no contact, yet you're on the fence about him coming, he doesn't know if he's coming because you want NC, but it's on him if he decides he doesn't want to come although he's waiting on the invite from you. It's a cluster f***. The ball is in your court. Communicate what your needs are and invite him if you believe his visit will change his mind or you go strict NC and move on. 1
Author meeji Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 What is your objective? There's a lot of guessing games going on here. You state no contact, yet you're on the fence about him coming, he doesn't know if he's coming because you want NC, but it's on him if he decides he doesn't want to come although he's waiting on the invite from you. It's a cluster f***. The ball is in your court. Communicate what your needs are and invite him if you believe his visit will change his mind or you go strict NC and move on. At first, I was thinking if I go no contact it will give him time to miss me and sort out his feelings. The point is, if this guy were say that he thought it through and was going to commit to our relationship, I would take him back. But anything less than that is unacceptable for me. I'm pretty sure that he wants to come here because we've had that conversation a few times. I just don't know if its really worth it to go through all of that if its going to be the same story. I guess we should have a final talk about it.
flitzanu Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 At first, I was thinking if I go no contact it will give him time to miss me and sort out his feelings. The point is, if this guy were say that he thought it through and was going to commit to our relationship, I would take him back. But anything less than that is unacceptable for me. I'm pretty sure that he wants to come here because we've had that conversation a few times. I just don't know if its really worth it to go through all of that if its going to be the same story. I guess we should have a final talk about it. you should not be using NC to garner a reaction from someone.
geegirl Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 At first, I was thinking if I go no contact it will give him time to miss me and sort out his feelings. He can miss you and will miss you but it doesn't eliminate his commitment issues. I had a three month break with my ex. Complete NC but he was breaking it telling me how much he loved me and he was going to change. Come deadline, he could not do it. The point is, if this guy were say that he thought it through and was going to commit to our relationship, I would take him back. I believe he said the visit will help him decide if he wants to be with you. He knows he can't be with you aside from the visit. So, it's your decision to let him use the visit to decide his feelings for you. It's a risk you have to take, if you believe it's worth taking. Personally, I wouldn't open the door. Six months LDR. You go there, he wants it all and as soon as you talk about bridging the gap, he gets cold feet. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Author meeji Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 At first, I was thinking if I go no contact it will give him time to miss me and sort out his feelings. He can miss you and will miss you but it doesn't eliminate his commitment issues. I had a three month break with my ex. Complete NC but he was breaking it telling me how much he loved me and he was going to change. Come deadline, he could not do it. The point is, if this guy were say that he thought it through and was going to commit to our relationship, I would take him back. I believe he said the visit will help him decide if he wants to be with you. He knows he can't be with you aside from the visit. So, it's your decision to let him use the visit to decide his feelings for you. It's a risk you have to take, if you believe it's worth taking. Personally, I wouldn't open the door. Six months LDR. You go there, he wants it all and as soon as you talk about bridging the gap, he gets cold feet. Lather, rinse, repeat. There is always the option of therapy. If this is something that he is willing to confront then I would also consider that route too. I understand that it is up to him to decide to want to make that change in his life. I sent an email and asked if he had time to talk tonight. When we talk, I will ask him what he wants and I lie my wants and needs on the table. If seems like a losing battle I will continue with no contact in attempts to move on. It has been a difficult 4 days but I have been thinking more about what I want out a relationship and I am confident that in knowing that if he isn't willing to meet me half way I will walk away from this because I know it is not fair to me. thanks.
geegirl Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 There is always the option of therapy. If this is something that he is willing to confront then I would also consider that route too. I understand that it is up to him to decide to want to make that change in his life. I sent an email and asked if he had time to talk tonight. When we talk, I will ask him what he wants and I lie my wants and needs on the table. If seems like a losing battle I will continue with no contact in attempts to move on. It has been a difficult 4 days but I have been thinking more about what I want out a relationship and I am confident that in knowing that if he isn't willing to meet me half way I will walk away from this because I know it is not fair to me. thanks. Yes, I suggested therapy as well. He agreed but when the time came to put the work into fixing the issues, he decided there was nothing wrong with him. Therapy has to be something that he believes he wants or believes that he has a serious enough issue to want to make change. You can suggest it but after that, he has to seek a therapist, commit to making regular visits, but even after much time has passed there is no guarantee that change will happen. It's a huge risk. Hope your conversation with him goes well and you both come to terms.
Author meeji Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 you should not be using NC to garner a reaction from someone. He didn't necessarily ask me for space but he did say that he was confused about what they wanted and where he wanted to be. If igured going no contact would him time to think about all of those things without my influence. I didn't do it for the reaction. I did so that maybe he can compare what its like having me around to not having me around and that comparison would help him figure out if he wanted me in this life as his gf or if felt okay having me as a friend or nothing at all.
Author meeji Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Yes, I suggested therapy as well. He agreed but when the time came to put the work into fixing the issues, he decided there was nothing wrong with him. Therapy has to be something that he believes he wants or believes that he has a serious enough issue to want to make change. You can suggest it but after that, he has to seek a therapist, commit to making regular visits, but even after much time has passed there is no guarantee that change will happen. It's a huge risk. Hope your conversation with him goes well and you both come to terms. I do know that he has been to a therapist one, per the request of management at his job. They said he was bring his personal issues with him to work and they highly recommended it. I know he went once, and I think the therapist has to submit some kind of request for him to continue if it is needed. I haven't spoken to him since I sent him some information on commitment phobia so I'm not sure if he will say what your bf said or he will be looking towards a solution. I do know that he has other issues going on and he did mention once that maybe he should go back to the therapist. We'll see. Whatever happened with your and your ex? How long have you guys been separated? have you had any contact with him or did you make a clean break?
geegirl Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Whatever happened with your and your ex? How long have you guys been separated? have you had any contact with him or did you make a clean break? After the break, we ended. Then he came back. Then I caught him cheating. I made a clean break. We have been separated for two years now or so. He keeps in contact with me and checks up on me here and there. I have no more ill feelings towards him and he has tried to make amends in his own way. He still can't commit to anyone.
Author meeji Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 I'm sorry that you got caught up in all of that. It sounds awful. Fortunately for you, you realized it before it was too late and you got out. My guy kept saying that if I lived where he is that we wouldn't have any problems. He says that a lot. I think his issue isn't about being with one person its about relocating to be with one person. LDRs are hard. This was my first serious one and the one with the biggest gap. I hope that you have had some success with other men since.
geegirl Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I'm sorry that you got caught up in all of that. It sounds awful. Fortunately for you, you realized it before it was too late and you got out. My guy kept saying that if I lived where he is that we wouldn't have any problems. He says that a lot. I think his issue isn't about being with one person its about relocating to be with one person. LDRs are hard. This was my first serious one and the one with the biggest gap. I hope that you have had some success with other men since. Yes, LDRs are difficult. I met my ex-husband back home and when he came back to the states, we did the LDR for two years. It had its fair share of ups and downs. Yes, I am in a relationship now and things are great. I was very skeptical about meeting anyone after my last ex. When he I saw him with another woman right after me, I had no hope. I pinned it all on me. I'm still with the same guy and he's been with more women than I care to even keep count!
geegirl Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 funny how that works, huh Yep, but the thing is, he loves being that way and probably thinks I am weird by sticking to one person/one relationship!
Author meeji Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 For now he likes it that way. One day when he is old and crusty he will think back to all the women he "casually, dated and wonder where they are all doing while he's alone. Don't worry, it will catch up to him. So far, I haven't gotten a response to that email. Its possible that he has tried contacting me on my phone but I uninstalled all the mobile apps that we use to communicate a few days ago. I wrote down the points that I want to make so that if he catches me off guard I won't forget the purpose of the conversation. and if he doesn't respond.. then there ya have it.
Author meeji Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 I sent an email that said "do you have time to talk tonight?" He did not reply. Mon-wed are his days off. There is a 5hour time difference between us so if he was out with friends when I sent the emal, its possible that he came home early in the morning and went straight to bed. I'll him him until tomorrow to contact me and if i dont hear anything by then i will move into phase 2 and delete all of our communication avenues. You guys will be free from bitching about the emotional rollercoaster. A couple of years ago i dealt with my worst heartbreak ever and to be honest, ever since that i have never let a breakup destroy me so bad. Of course, i'm sad that i have invested everything I had into this and to see it end is discouraging. I guess the jerking part of i all is that I had high hopes for us. I saw a lot of potential and it definitely was a wake up call for me. I have learned that i am capable of letting my guard down and allowing love into my life, despite the risks. This relationship taught me that. Knowing this, i can look to my future in hopes of finding something stable. Letting go is the hard part but once I gain some momentum, it only gets easier from there. Thanks for all the feedback, guys. I will update in a few days.
Author meeji Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 So... we finally talked. The conversation went pretty well. He has been pretty upset about the break up but he realizes that it needed to happen. To my surprise, in my absence, he went to a therapist to try to get his issues sorted out. That is a good sign that he wants to improve and the fact that I didn't even have to suggest it is a huge plus. He said he still loves me and he realizes how much his lack of communication and immature behavior destroyed our relationship. I feel a lot better knowing that he has been processing everything and is taking steps to deal with it. It makes me happy. As for the trip, he canceled his flight but now he wants to rebook it. I'm okay with this. Now that he knows that he doesn't have the skills to properly maintain a healthy relationship and I know what it is like to date someone in his current state we both have accepted that our romantic relationship is over. For now and maybe forever, who knows. Knowing this, I feel comfortable with him visiting and the fact that this visit will not have anything to do with reconciliation in terms of getting the relationship back. I hope that if he ever gets himself straight and we both have feelings for each other we can try again. Not quite the "happy ending", but one that I can accept. Thanks for all the advice guys!
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