evondavis1 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I hope I can get some good advice from you all. Here is a bit of my story. My ex and I were together for 7 years, and had somewhat of a disfunctional relationship. We have a son, a house, dogs, and now in the process of dissolving the business. Disfuntional because I kicked him out 3 times in 7 years, and took him back each time with false promises. I discovered during that time that he was never going to marry me. No matter how happy I told him I would be if he did. Obviously, why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free. Fast forward, we broke up 4 months ago, and within a week he found a new GF. During that time, he was still coming over to "talk" and hang out with our son. At first, we were both emotional about the breakup. Then he turned on me and started blaming me for everything, and he still does to this day. I have no way of doing NC because of our son, and the dissolving business. Ex got married to the GF after 6 weeks, eloped to Vegas, now she is pregnant. All the things that I wanted, he gave to her. I wanted another child and for years he would say not a chance in hell, kids are expensive, even talked about a vasectomy this summer. I wanted to be married, and do things right. I now know that I wasn't the one for him, and he is so wrong for me. My question is, after all the emotional abuse, marriage and his new baby on the way, how do I act with all this around him? I am not a mean person, unless pushed, pretty naive, and can't stay mad for long. Yet I don't know how to act when I see him. Even when he asks about our son, my head starts spinning, and I get anxiety. I wish he would go away. He tries to engage in conversation, saying are you ok? don't be mad? etc etc. but I just put a smile on my face and ignore. A part of me wishes this was a bad nightmare, that I will wake up. I know it's my life now, and I have to spend the rest of my life with him involved. I can't help but notice a few things, for example, he stopped wearing his wedding ring about 3 weeks ago, his visits with his wife are shorter and shorter, she lives 3 hours away. She posted pictures of our son on FB and then an hour later they were deleted, ex probably told her to remove them. I guess the other question I have is - did my ex marry her on the rebound? They just met, married, etc. He only sees her once a week, and now she is pregnant! My head is spinning and I just don't know how to stop thinking about this. I work, take care of my son, clean, workout, go to church, hang out with friends, live my life. but it's in my head 24/7!
Mr. Lucky Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 No simple answers to a complicated situation. You're going to have to accept that it's not that your ex didn't want to get married, it's that he didn't want to marry you. Sucks but seems like the truth. You've got some work to do. That you would hang on for 7 years after 3 breakups and want to pop another child into this kind of unstable situation points to your own issues. Don't you and any future children deserve better? Counseling would help you understand both why you held on and are having trouble letting go. Keep posting and let us know how it goes... Mr. Lucky
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 For me, I handle the necessary stuff with our daughter pleasantly as I can. If my ex tries to start talking to me and get chummy I only give minimal responses. Our personalities still click very well...if I would be myself around her. But I don't want that, I can never trust her again and I don't want any attachments forming ever again. Did he get with his new woman on the rebound? Hell yes. Pretty stupid of him if you ask me. It's good to take a year off after a long relationship like that and clear your head. He's created a pretty awful situation for both you and his new wife.
newme9 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 im going through a divorce right now and my advice is this. to work on what you think you did that contributed to the dysfunction of the relationship. i think it sounds like you have some work to do and that being in any relationship now is not a good idea. that is waht i am doing. working on myself so that the next one will be very healthy. you can only take responsibilyt for yourself and control yoru own world. does sound like he did marry someone on the rebound and sounds like you deserve better. seems like he has a lot of work to do on himself and you dont want to be with someone like that. self reflection, getting it out by talkign about it like how you are doing here, and fixing what you can is what our priority should be. best of luck.
Author evondavis1 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 Phew, I made it past day 22, and now I am on day 28, almost 1 month since we last spoke on the phone. I started to go to a seperation/divorce support group through my church, and it has helped alot. I started to go to church about 4 months ago, when we first broke up because I needed a safe place to go with my thoughts and feelings. I am so grateful that I started going. When I was in therapy for the last year, it only seemed like she was listening to me, pointing out the faults with my ex and asking why I stayed. She listened more than giving me advice, which I understand. I have to learn on my own why I stayed, and let him use and devalue me for 7 years. You see, I have dealt with insecurity and low self esteem issues for a long time, but when I met my ex, they were triggered and got worse. I have had 3 long term relationships before him, and I do not remember any of them being awful to me, or calling me out on being insecure. All the ex's from my past helped me in some way, they brought out the fun, crazy, happy, silly woman that I truely am. None of my ex's ever called me names, or were mean. I remember days where I would be acting silly or laughing, and my ex would ignore me, or tell me I am being retarded. I recently went back to work, and everyone says they are so happy to see me back to myself, a bubbly, always have a smile on my face women. I let my ex take that away from me. I let him in my mind and body, now I have to forgive myself and go back to the strong independant and fun woman that I am. I tried for years to try and change this man, this is my fault. He is incapable of truely being a partner. I remember crying so many times, saying that I wish he would be my friend. Might sound crazy, but I want my partner to be my friend. I want to share stories, I want to lay in bed at the end of the day and talk about our days. I want a partner. There were times when I asked my ex if he would hang out with me in the backyard during the summer. After a long day of being a mom, and working for the company we owned, I wanted to unwind, with a glass of wine, and hang out in the back yard. His response every time "what the **** are we going to talk about?" Why did I stay? I don't know.....I was trying to make something work that wasn't meant to be. Every time I had a concern, or brought up how I was feeling, he would throw something at my face. I told him there were times that I just needed a hug to feel better, and he couldn't do that. I was delaying the inevitable, we should have broke up a long time ago. I feel better, but there is a part of me that is missing. Missing him, or who I wanted him to be. I keep wondering if his relationship will work out with his wife, and their baby that is on the way. I would hate for that baby to be brought into this world just like my son. My son deserves a full time father, not every other weekend disney land dad. I did not bring my son into this world to have him hurt in any way, and my ex has already done that. Now I will do anything and everything for my son. He will have a wonderful life ;-) I am not a fortune teller and cannot predict the future, but some part of me thinks that I will never find someone again. I will have a very hard time trusting my feelings with a man again. I am afraid of getting hurt like this again. In some way, I want my ex to hurt, hurt like crazy. Feel what I have been feeling the last few months. During one of our breakup conversations, he told me he loves to make people happy, and make sure everyone has a good time. He told me he should have been a rockstar on a stage, and then in the same sentence, says he doesn't care if he lives in the woods by himself?!?!? I realize also, that he projected his mentally unstable mind into my mind. That he had convinced me that I was sick and unstable. Thank god I don't feel like that anymore, thank I know better, and he is the one with the problem.
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