KungFuJoe Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Not very good advice considering we have way more good than bad going on, and it would be stupid to break up over something like this, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't bother me. The more I think about your situation, the more I understand how you feel. I think I would be pretty hurt if my wife didn't want to toss an old picture or letter, especially if it was sexual in content. I don't know what to say...unfortunately, again, there is no "answer" for a situation like this. I will say this though. I think understanding your partner, emotionally and mentally, is VITAL for a relationship to last. This is one thing my wife and I have always had. We've fought like wildcats in the past (mostly alcohol induced) but we've never even so much as had a mild disagreement when it came down to how to treat each other, understanding what makes us happy or not happy, and our devotion to each other. And that's what it really comes down to. You want her to make you feel like all that matters, when it comes to "partners" is you...and no one else. And by her keeping her stuff around, it makes you feel like she does so because those other guys still have a "place" in her heart. She doesn't understand how it makes you feel and she probably feels you don't understand what it means to her. You guys just aren't on the same page and can't understand how the other feels. Serious question. Do you think she GETS you? Like...REALLY gets you? Do you find yourself having to explain how you feel about things because she doesn't understand initially? And is the opposite true as well? Do you often feel like you just don't understand why she does something? 1
KungFuJoe Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 If i were your girlfriend and you MADE me get rid of memorabilia from past relationships, i would reluctantly "pretend" to. I would set up a gmail account and forward all those emails to it, send all the photos etc to it and never tell you about it. Then i would delete them from my regular inbox in front of you to "satisfy" you . HAHAHAHAHHAA. You lose. That is quite possibly the WORST thing you could do in a situation like this. It would be better if you told him to go eff himself while printing out physical copies and mailing them to him. 1
TaurusTerp Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Not very good advice considering we have way more good than bad going on, and it would be stupid to break up over something like this, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't bother me. Well, the obvious answer is that you should get over it. I'm sure you would agree that issuing ultimatums is a bad idea, so your only option is to stop letting it bother you. And in the end, this issue is about your insecurities. You should address that, regardless of what happens with this girl. Secure people wouldn't get worked up over a picture or presents or whatever. 1
Author marcjb Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 The more I think about your situation, the more I understand how you feel. I think I would be pretty hurt if my wife didn't want to toss an old picture or letter, especially if it was sexual in content. I don't know what to say...unfortunately, again, there is no "answer" for a situation like this. I will say this though. I think understanding your partner, emotionally and mentally, is VITAL for a relationship to last. This is one thing my wife and I have always had. We've fought like wildcats in the past (mostly alcohol induced) but we've never even so much as had a mild disagreement when it came down to how to treat each other, understanding what makes us happy or not happy, and our devotion to each other. And that's what it really comes down to. You want her to make you feel like all that matters, when it comes to "partners" is you...and no one else. And by her keeping her stuff around, it makes you feel like she does so because those other guys still have a "place" in her heart. She doesn't understand how it makes you feel and she probably feels you don't understand what it means to her. You guys just aren't on the same page and can't understand how the other feels. Serious question. Do you think she GETS you? Like...REALLY gets you? Do you find yourself having to explain how you feel about things because she doesn't understand initially? And is the opposite true as well? Do you often feel like you just don't understand why she does something? Thanks for the good reply. To answer your questions, no, it's mainly just about this issue.
CptSaveAho Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 If i were your girlfriend and you MADE me get rid of memorabilia from past relationships, i would reluctantly "pretend" to. I would set up a gmail account and forward all those emails to it, send all the photos etc to it and never tell you about it. Then i would delete them from my regular inbox in front of you to "satisfy" you . HAHAHAHAHHAA. You lose. And you have done validated why your advice and women's opinions similar to yours is invalid As for the OPs post, the relationship is over, you no longer have emotional trust with a stunt like this. I don't keep memorabilia from past ex's. Insecure women do this as a form of approval and validation. These are the type of women emotionally healthy men do not enter relationships with 2
veggirl Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Why? I can still be happy remembering the past without pining for someone! I can still look back at the picture we took on the cruise and smile thinking about the fun we had there. It doesn't mean I miss the person. It doesn't mean I love them or an hung up on them. And honestly, I spent my last 4.5 years with that guy. We did a LOT of stuff together. We took a lot of pictures and bought a lot of stuff. None of that is getting thrown away or pushed under the rug. But the sexual emails and whatnot? Those are not memories that she needs to keep! If i were your girlfriend and you MADE me get rid of memorabilia from past relationships, i would reluctantly "pretend" to. I would set up a gmail account and forward all those emails to it, send all the photos etc to it and never tell you about it. Then i would delete them from my regular inbox in front of you to "satisfy" you . HAHAHAHAHHAA. You lose. classy 1
TheZebra Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 marc, I know you've been together for 18 years. How STRONG is your relationship? Are you talking future...marriage, etc? If not, I wouldn't be TOO concerned. I think a lot of the reason why people hold on to mementos is because they aren't "ready" to give up their life for someone just yet. And I don't mean "give up" to mean that you own them or anything like that. Just that no one wants to be told what to do, especially when it appears, on the surface, to be none of that person's business. If a girl I was dating...or even in a committed relationship (but not VERY serious) asked me to get rid of all my past stuff...I would probably say NO just for the principle of it. Know what I mean? I'm gonna dump all this stuff in the trash for someone who might not be in my life a month from now? But as soon as I know this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and nothing else matters, then it all changes. That's part of being in a truly loving and understanding relationship. You do things because you want the other person to be happy. As long as it doesn't go completely against your own values or better judgement. Maybe you guys just aren't at that point yet. BTW, I would also be upset if my wife had pictures of her and any guy she was ever with ANYWHERE. And I would never have a pic of myself with an ex, unless it was in some kind of group photo...and even then it would have to be one damn special occasion for me to put it up anywhere. I'm gonna have to disagree with you, Joe. People don't hold onto mementos until they meet their 'soulmate'. I know I'd be holding onto my pictures whether I knew I was going to be a cat lady or whether I was getting married tomorrow. That's how a normal person keeps mementos. And there's a distinct difference between doing things to make your partner happy and doing things to make your partner feel less insecure. I have no problem going to a football game (my least favorite sport) with my guy if that's what he likes, and if it makes him happy to see me at the game. That's fine. But dropping something I enjoy to quell a guy's insecurities? No way. This is a case of one bad apple spoiling the bunch. Just because there's women out there who build shrines to men they love and pine on them day and night doesn't mean that all women are like that. As a person you should listen to and understand why your partner does the things they do. I must admit, I would not think very highly of a guy who was offended that I had pictures of an ex of FB. 1
TaurusTerp Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 But the sexual emails and whatnot? Those are not memories that she needs to keep! classy So it'd be okay if she went through and deleted all the ones that contained sex? I somehow don't think that would make anyone happy. And if the concern is that keeping mementos makes it seem like she has feelings for the exes, shouldn't you be more worried about the emails that contain lovey-dovey language? I have a lot of presents, emails, mementos from my exes. I'm not going to throw out things just because some insecure girl wants me to. I'd tell her to grow up. 1
xpaperxcutx Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 OP, there truly is nothing wrong with keeping memoriabilias. Think of it as keeping things for sentimental reasons and has nothing to do with your relationship other than for her to have something of her memories. The thing that you should have a problem is why does your girlfriend tell you the guys she's friends with, she slept with? If there's anything she should be at fault is that she's horrible when it comes to being more considerate about your feelings.
Million.to.1 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 That is quite possibly the WORST thing you could do in a situation like this. It would be better if you told him to go eff himself while printing out physical copies and mailing them to him. EXACTLY!! - illustrated my previous posts perfectly then. There is no compromise to this situation. She simply HAS to do what he wants as he is not willing to try and work through his own issues. Luckily for me, I wouldn't be with someone so insecure that i would ever have to do this. Not so lucky for the OP's girlfriend.
Author marcjb Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 EXACTLY!! - illustrated my previous posts perfectly then. There is no compromise to this situation. She simply HAS to do what he wants as he is not willing to try and work through his own issues. Luckily for me, I wouldn't be with someone so insecure that i would ever have to do this. Not so lucky for the OP's girlfriend. Yea, but you also displayed what kind of person you could be which is pretty nasty. True colors come out, and It's also the reason why I'll take your posts with a grain of salt. 1
KungFuJoe Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Yeah...this is tough to call. I UNDERSTAND how op feels, but at the same time, I do think the issue is "deeper" than just about some photos she keeps around. I'll again use my own personal experience as an example. *I* would have absolutely no freakin problem tossing every single item ever given to me by any woman I was ever with. Photos? Gone. Videos? Deleted. Jewelry? Ebay them and use the money to buy my wife a gift. It would be the easiest thing in the world for me to do. My wife would do the same in a heartbeat. BUT...here's the important part. Neither of us would ever have to even go there. 3
Divasu Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Holding onto sexual exchanges with another man? That's just as odd as holding onto someone's underwear mentioned in another thread. It's like, are you sniffing the underwear, masturbating with it, what exactly... The only momentos I retain permanently, are from family members. After a relationship ends, momentos such as cards, letters, trinkets like movie stubs etc., are disposed of after a period of time. Though, some people hold onto those types of items forever and I don't necessarily know if that's considered 'wrong'. They also don't let it interfere with their current relationship. Everyone has a past. Anyway, one of the best pieces of advice I've ever received is to 'pick and choose your arguments' carefully and wisely. You've been together for 18 months? Yes I would think it's time for 'sexual momentos' to be discarded. 2
Million.to.1 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Yea, but you also displayed what kind of person you could be which is pretty nasty. True colors come out, and It's also the reason why I'll take your posts with a grain of salt. That's rich. I'm not nasty at all. The fact is that you are making DEMANDS that don't have ANY moral ground. It's all just to satisfy YOU. YOUR NEEDS WHAT YOU WANT. What i (jokingly) suggested I would do is simply a way of dealing with an insecure person without having to give up something i don't think is a bad thing at all. How do you propose to fix this situation where both of you feel okay without her having to do EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT? You are not being considerate of how she feels about it at all and that is clearly demonstrated by your inability to listen to or even consider ANY of the posts in this thread which don't support your way of seeing things. You need to do more inner work dude. Go on a retreat, do some yoga or meditation or something. Jealousy and insecurity are ugly traits and should be worked through... Making people act a certain way in order for you NOT to feel them is only masking the real problem.
Author marcjb Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 (edited) The real problem is what I made this thread about. There are no hidden meaning / secrets / agendas. My girlfriend was potentially going to be with this guy if we did not meet, and she is saving his emails which include sexual content. I don't see how that's ok, and surprisingly some of you do. From the looks of things, obviously some people agree with me and some people don't. That is to be expected. I knew I wasn't going to get an actual answer. I am just looking to express my self and get other peoples thoughts since I already talked to my girlfriend about it and she obviously didn't want to talk about it anymore. I love my girlfriend very much and would not give her an ultimatum so I have to find a way to compress my feelings on the situation. Edited January 7, 2013 by marcjb
Million.to.1 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I love my girlfriend very much and would not give her an ultimatum so I have to find a way to compress my feelings on the situation. Awesome. Really good place to start. I, honestly, don't think you have anything to worry about.
FitChick Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 My girlfriend was potentially going to be with this guy if we did not meet She met YOU and he was history. He has her emails but you have HER. You need to get your priorities straight. If she were secretly harboring affection for him, she never would have let you know that she still had his emails. The fact that she is so open with you means she doesn't really care about him. I keep some emails and photos but not all. Even of guys I didn't like. Just personal history.
Author marcjb Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 She met YOU and he was history. He has her emails but you have HER. You need to get your priorities straight. If she were secretly harboring affection for him, she never would have let you know that she still had his emails. The fact that she is so open with you means she doesn't really care about him. I keep some emails and photos but not all. Even of guys I didn't like. Just personal history. She does have all of their email exchanges saved. That's what this thread is about. I don't care what the guy saved.
todreaminblue Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 (edited) I tend to agree with fitchick,but if i were to see an issue that caused problems however in a relationship i was in, if it caused contention, and it wasnt important to me i would just hit delete.......because what is important would be standing or sitting in front of me telling me it made him feel insecure......that would be the issue i dealt with without looking over my shoulder at the past i would just hit delete......personal history is only important to help you with happiness with the people in your life with you and whoever, are in your future...besides family of course.....deb Edited January 8, 2013 by todreaminblue 3
FitChick Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 She does have all of their email exchanges saved. That's what this thread is about. I don't care what the guy saved. You missed the entire point! You have HER and he doesn't! That is all that matters. If she wanted to be with him, she'd dump you. Keep it up and she will.
Author marcjb Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 You missed the entire point! You have HER and he doesn't! That is all that matters. If she wanted to be with him, she'd dump you. Keep it up and she will. Yea, I realize that I have her, but what I don't realize is why saving the emails even necessary if she has ME. 1
Divasu Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 In this case, I agree with this: because what is important would be standing or sitting in front of me telling me it made him feel insecure The OP isn't some guy the OP's girlfriend just started dating whose trying to 'mark his territory'. They've been together for 18 months. I think if the roles were reversed, many girlfriends would not be 'okay' with their boyfriend holding onto an ex's sexual memorabilia...OP should be able to have an adult conversation with her, stating that it bothers him, and she needs to 'pick and choose' her battles too. Holding onto sexual emails of a man from her past, or being in the present, with her boyfriend. Is that unreasonable? 2
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