Author marcjb Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Million to one has made wonderful points about all of this and I advise you listen to them. Keeping memories is NOT the same as wanting that person back. I'm completely over ALL of my exes. Not one ounce of feeling for any of them. However, if you go to my Facebook, you'll still see plenty of pictures of me and them together. So why do I keep these pictures? Because they're reminders of fun things I did in the past. When I look at those pictures I'm not thinking 'oh I wish we were still together', no, the only thing I'm thinking is 'I can't believe we managed to stand on that surfboard for so long' or whatever else the picture was depicting. That person was a part of my life, and I'm not going to delete them from it because a relationship didn't work out. I also still have and wear some jewelry my ex gave me. Is it because I think of him whenever I wear it? No! It's because it was expensive and looks good on me. Sometimes women ARE simple creatures See, this is the problem. I have no idea why someone would consider that deleting a picture or an email is deleting that part of their life. I am not trying to delete that part of her life. I would just like to see the physical part that is existing in our present gone. 1
kaylan Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I dont keep things from past relationships. I have the memories, but I move on and give my new gal my full attention and respect. Not holding onto the past is part of that respect. And I think people who hold onto things from past relationships arent much over them. Marriage is one thing, but holding onto things from non-marriage relationships that werent too long....thats a different story. 1
veggirl Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Vacation photos and whatnot, I can totally understand. Love letters and sexual emails? Not cool, no reason to keep that s.hit. Personally when I'm done w/ a relationship, I'm done with it. None of that stuff gets saved, cause why would I want to read love letters from an EX?! No thanks! Thankfully I've always dated people who are like-minded in this respect. 1
Author marcjb Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Why? They were together for 2.5 years and traveled alot together. And they are still friends. I was with him for 8 months and there is only 5-6 photos of us on Facebook together. I don't really care about it.. it's facebook. Not reality. Can't you see that you are expecting everyone else to share your values?? Hey, you're lucky that you're currently with someone that doesn't mind looking at you with other people that you've had sex with. I think that is just wrong and disgusting to have current SO look at it when they want to see pictures of you and them.
kaylan Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 PS - Women who are friends with their exes are a red flag. And if they keep mementos on top of that? Run far away. The right girl for you will understand why this bothers you.Vacation photos and whatnot, I can totally understand. Love letters and sexual emails? Not cool, no reason to keep that s.hit. Personally when I'm done w/ a relationship, I'm done with it. None of that stuff gets saved, cause why would I want to read love letters from an EX?! No thanks! Thankfully I've always dated people who are like-minded in this respect. This.
Million.to.1 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I plan on being with her when she's 70's and even then I think it would be wrong for someone to read such emails when they're that old when they're with someone else. So you are saying that you have a crystal ball that can see the future? Are you saying that you are 100% positive that no feelings or circumstances will change in the next 50 years? AND can prevent her from leaving you if she wants to? You are living in La-La land. Trust me... she will leave you if you continue to make her give do what you want in order to placate your insecurity. Any self respecting woman will tire of this childish and stubborn behaviour from a mate.
Author marcjb Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 So you are saying that you have a crystal ball that can see the future? Are you saying that you are 100% positive that no feelings or circumstances will change in the next 50 years? AND can prevent her from leaving you if she wants to? You are living in La-La land. Trust me... she will leave you if you continue to make her give do what you want in order to placate your insecurity. Any self respecting woman will tire of this childish and stubborn behaviour from a mate. No, when I said "I plan" that is the same thing as saying "I would like". She has expressed the same sentiment to me. The feeling is mutual.
terlislee Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Why do people keep old diaries? Why do they keep old letters? It's memories of their past, it's what shaped them as a person. I keep reminders of all my past relationships, even the ones that ended ugly, and yes I will still remember the person every now and then, it's someone I cared for. But it doesn't have any bearing on me being a good girlfriend to someone new, I don't go over those things longing for the past or someone else, if I did I wouldn't be with that someone new in the first place. I keep most of my emails too, it's just something I do, I don't even think of them or re-read them but it's hard for me to delete things and I don't really see a reson for it anyway. I used to have the same problem with my online blog, old skype chat conversations or even text messages. I understand not everyone is like this, but if she is then honestly it's none of your business what she has in her inbox as long as she's not cheating on you. You sound very insecure and controlling (making her delete a fb photo?!) and to be fair if I was her I would feel insulted and upset with you and definitely wouldn't go delete all my old emails no matter what's in them just because you feel it hurts you. Yes it hurts you because you feel threatened and are jealous of her past, something you surprisingly have no control over, that's only your problem not hers. Even if you are in a relationship with someone, you don't own them and they will always have some private sphere they are entitled to, depends on everyone where their boundaries are. For example I'd never give my email or facebook password to my partner like some people do because those are my private spheres and if he doesn't trust me enough then he can pack his stuff and leave. Just because you're different doesn't mean that's the only right way to be. If she wanted to think about her exes and their sexual past she can do that any time she wants and no amount of old reminders will make it more likely, same as her deleting it won't make her stop. Seriously, don't be worried about this because there's no reason to. Work on your insecurity issues instead, if there's no trust there's no love. And don't force her to get rid of them, it will only alianate her and she will see you for the jealous insecure person you are and that's hardly attractive. She doesn't have to delete them to prove her love to you, but you have to trust her enough for it not to bother you to prove yours. 1
TheZebra Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 See, this is the problem. I have no idea why someone would consider that deleting a picture or an email is deleting that part of their life. I am not trying to delete that part of her life. I would just like to see the physical part that is existing in our present gone. Then why does anyone bother taking pictures? Buying knick-knacks on trips? Listening to certain songs? Becuase no matter how amazing our memories are, relying strictly on mental memory doesn't do justice to your own past. I own a wooden 'painting' I bought while I was in China. I say 'painting' because instead of paint it was engraved. Whenever I look at it, touch it, even smell it I can vivdly remember the little town I was in... how I bartered in broken Mandarin with the guy, how across the street there was a little kid peeing on said street. Yeah, I will still remember going to China even if I get rid of my that piece, but the memory isn't the same. The other day I found notes I used to write friends while I was in high school. 10 years ago. I clearly remember high school and my friends. But reading all of those notes brought me so many laughs of so many things I had forgotten about. The stupid things we thought about life, the guys we thought were hot, whatever. It's the same when I look at pictures I took when I was with my ex. We traveled a lot. Sometimes I look at a picture after not having seen it for a long time and I crack up, thinking of all the hilarious things we both did. Things I may have forgotten about if it weren't for the picture.
Author marcjb Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Why do people keep old diaries? Why do they keep old letters? It's memories of their past, it's what shaped them as a person. I keep reminders of all my past relationships, even the ones that ended ugly, and yes I will still remember the person every now and then, it's someone I cared for. But it doesn't have any bearing on me being a good girlfriend to someone new, I don't go over those things longing for the past or someone else, if I did I wouldn't be with that someone new in the first place. I keep most of my emails too, it's just something I do, I don't even think of them or re-read them but it's hard for me to delete things and I don't really see a reson for it anyway. I used to have the same problem with my online blog, old skype chat conversations or even text messages. I understand not everyone is like this, but if she is then honestly it's none of your business what she has in her inbox as long as she's not cheating on you. You sound very insecure and controlling (making her delete a fb photo?!) and to be fair if I was her I would feel insulted and upset with you and definitely wouldn't go delete all my old emails no matter what's in them just because you feel it hurts you. Yes it hurts you because you feel threatened and are jealous of her past, something you surprisingly have no control over, that's only your problem not hers. Even if you are in a relationship with someone, you don't own them and they will always have some private sphere they are entitled to, depends on everyone where their boundaries are. For example I'd never give my email or facebook password to my partner like some people do because those are my private spheres and if he doesn't trust me enough then he can pack his stuff and leave. Just because you're different doesn't mean that's the only right way to be. If she wanted to think about her exes and their sexual past she can do that any time she wants and no amount of old reminders will make it more likely, same as her deleting it won't make her stop. Seriously, don't be worried about this because there's no reason to. Work on your insecurity issues instead, if there's no trust there's no love. And don't force her to get rid of them, it will only alianate her and she will see you for the jealous insecure person you are and that's hardly attractive. She doesn't have to delete them to prove her love to you, but you have to trust her enough for it not to bother you to prove yours. Once again, I am not talking about "deleting her past". I know she has a past and I'm ok with that. I have a problem with keeping something physical in present, in our relationship.
Author marcjb Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Then why does anyone bother taking pictures? Buying knick-knacks on trips? Listening to certain songs? Becuase no matter how amazing our memories are, relying strictly on mental memory doesn't do justice to your own past. I own a wooden 'painting' I bought while I was in China. I say 'painting' because instead of paint it was engraved. Whenever I look at it, touch it, even smell it I can vivdly remember the little town I was in... how I bartered in broken Mandarin with the guy, how across the street there was a little kid peeing on said street. Yeah, I will still remember going to China even if I get rid of my that piece, but the memory isn't the same. The other day I found notes I used to write friends while I was in high school. 10 years ago. I clearly remember high school and my friends. But reading all of those notes brought me so many laughs of so many things I had forgotten about. The stupid things we thought about life, the guys we thought were hot, whatever. It's the same when I look at pictures I took when I was with my ex. We traveled a lot. Sometimes I look at a picture after not having seen it for a long time and I crack up, thinking of all the hilarious things we both did. Things I may have forgotten about if it weren't for the picture. Of course, but using pictures and emails to remember that stuff when you're with someone else I don't agree with. You're with someone new and shouldn't need that. THe pictures and emails should be to relive the memories with the person that you're currently with. See, this is the problem. I have no idea why someone would consider that deleting a picture or an email is deleting that part of their life. I am not trying to delete that part of her life. I would just like to see the physical part that is existing in our present gone.
Author marcjb Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 A picture, email, or whatever is not part of a person, it's and expression of the person. Getting rid of it does not delete the experience, just the expression that still lives in that "physical" form. 1
KungFuJoe Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I do know that personally, if my wife told me to delete and trash all physical "evidence" of my past relationships...I wouldn't even blink an eye. Done. 3
terlislee Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 PS - Women who are friends with their exes are a red flag. And if they keep mementos on top of that? Run far away. The right girl for you will understand why this bothers you. I guess everybody's different in this. I consider myself a very insecure girlfriend and most of my relationships went downhill because of that, but somebody being friends with their ex or keeping anything from them never bothered me. Just because we keep something doesn't mean we are holding onto the past. I would never want to be back with any of my exes or have sex with them again, but I'm not going to pretend they never even existed either or that at some point I wasn't happy with them. I understand if OP's bothered, but asking her to delete them would be a red flag for me to be honest.
Author marcjb Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 What if I were one of these people that like to save this stuff. What if I made a porn with a previous ex girlfriend and wanted to keep it because it was part of my past even though I never watch it anymore? Would this be ok?
terlislee Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 A picture, email, or whatever is not part of a person, it's and expression of the person. Getting rid of it does not delete the experience, just the expression that still lives in that "physical" form. I think you're assigning it much more importance than it has. If you didn't find out about this you'd never know, because it has no impact on how she feels about you or your actual relationship with her. Girls tend to be sentimental and hoard actual visual things like this, just accept it as something she does, like keeping old photos.
TheZebra Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Of course, but using pictures and emails to remember that stuff when you're with someone else I don't agree with. You're with someone new and shouldn't need that. THe pictures and emails should be to relive the memories with the person that you're currently with. Why? I can still be happy remembering the past without pining for someone! I can still look back at the picture we took on the cruise and smile thinking about the fun we had there. It doesn't mean I miss the person. It doesn't mean I love them or an hung up on them. And honestly, I spent my last 4.5 years with that guy. We did a LOT of stuff together. We took a lot of pictures and bought a lot of stuff. None of that is getting thrown away or pushed under the rug.
KungFuJoe Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 The right girl for you will understand why this bothers you. I think this is the best comment in the thread. 2
KungFuJoe Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 marc, I know you've been together for 18 years. How STRONG is your relationship? Are you talking future...marriage, etc? If not, I wouldn't be TOO concerned. I think a lot of the reason why people hold on to mementos is because they aren't "ready" to give up their life for someone just yet. And I don't mean "give up" to mean that you own them or anything like that. Just that no one wants to be told what to do, especially when it appears, on the surface, to be none of that person's business. If a girl I was dating...or even in a committed relationship (but not VERY serious) asked me to get rid of all my past stuff...I would probably say NO just for the principle of it. Know what I mean? I'm gonna dump all this stuff in the trash for someone who might not be in my life a month from now? But as soon as I know this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and nothing else matters, then it all changes. That's part of being in a truly loving and understanding relationship. You do things because you want the other person to be happy. As long as it doesn't go completely against your own values or better judgement. Maybe you guys just aren't at that point yet. BTW, I would also be upset if my wife had pictures of her and any guy she was ever with ANYWHERE. And I would never have a pic of myself with an ex, unless it was in some kind of group photo...and even then it would have to be one damn special occasion for me to put it up anywhere. 1
terlislee Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 What if I were one of these people that like to save this stuff. What if I made a porn with a previous ex girlfriend and wanted to keep it because it was part of my past even though I never watch it anymore? Would this be ok? If you didn't make me watch it then to me, yes. If you have no feelings for her anymore then it's your private thing. As long as it doesn't affect your feelings and dedication to me and it's not illegal I don't care what you watch in your spare time. The thing is I bet she doesn't even read those emails anymore. How did you even find out about them? 1
Million.to.1 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Yep. Do yourself and her a favour and find someone who shares your values with this stuff.
Author marcjb Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 marc, I know you've been together for 18 years. How STRONG is your relationship? Are you talking future...marriage, etc? If not, I wouldn't be TOO concerned. I think a lot of the reason why people hold on to mementos is because they aren't "ready" to give up their life for someone just yet. And I don't mean "give up" to mean that you own them or anything like that. Just that no one wants to be told what to do, especially when it appears, on the surface, to be none of that person's business. If a girl I was dating...or even in a committed relationship (but not VERY serious) asked me to get rid of all my past stuff...I would probably say NO just for the principle of it. Know what I mean? I'm gonna dump all this stuff in the trash for someone who might not be in my life a month from now? But as soon as I know this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and nothing else matters, then it all changes. That's part of being in a truly loving and understanding relationship. You do things because you want the other person to be happy. As long as it doesn't go completely against your own values or better judgement. Maybe you guys just aren't at that point yet. BTW, I would also be upset if my wife had pictures of her and any guy she was ever with ANYWHERE. And I would never have a pic of myself with an ex, unless it was in some kind of group photo...and even then it would have to be one damn special occasion for me to put it up anywhere. I would say our relationship is pretty serious and strong considering that she wanted me to marry her earlier in our relationship. I told her that I wanted to marry her too, but not yet because I feel that we should be in a relationship longer before marriage and we should also have more things situated like good jobs and buying a house or something more permanent instead of an apartment.
Author marcjb Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Yep. Do yourself and her a favour and find someone who shares your values with this stuff. Not very good advice considering we have way more good than bad going on, and it would be stupid to break up over something like this, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't bother me.
Million.to.1 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 If i were your girlfriend and you MADE me get rid of memorabilia from past relationships, i would reluctantly "pretend" to. I would set up a gmail account and forward all those emails to it, send all the photos etc to it and never tell you about it. Then i would delete them from my regular inbox in front of you to "satisfy" you . HAHAHAHAHHAA. You lose.
Author marcjb Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 If i were your girlfriend and you MADE me get rid of memorabilia from past relationships, i would reluctantly "pretend" to. I would set up a gmail account and forward all those emails to it, send all the photos etc to it and never tell you about it. Then i would delete them from my regular inbox in front of you to "satisfy" you . HAHAHAHAHHAA. You lose. Good for you...
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