Girlfriend keeping intimate memorabilia from other guy(s)?

[marcjb]

I have been with my girlfriend for 18 months. I became aware that she saved all of her email exchanges that were from a guy before she met me. She told me that these emails did include everything from what she was doing that day to sexual exchanges. She met this guy before we met when she was in another country on business. She told me that at that time it was plutonic, but as they talked more after that trip she was planning on seeing him again intimately when she was supposed to go back agian ala the email exchanges. That never actually happened because we ended up meeting each other and she decided not to go.

 

I've expressed my feelings to her about keeping these emails a few times. I told her how it's one of those things that just tears me up inside and really hurts me. She said that she isn't keeping them for the sexual stuff, just memories of that time in her life and basically that she won't get rid of them. She does save pretty much everything, and I can understand wanting to save certain things, but not anything where your partner was intimate with someone else. Personally, I don't really save anything that I know I won't need again.

 

What should I do? Is it right for her to keep this stuff? I don't keep anything at all from my past and if by chance there's something that I forgot about I would certainly get rid of it. I keep the past in the past especially if it's something that would hurt the person that I love.

 

I do trust her completely as far as our relationship goes. She said that she does not talk to this person anymore, and I don't really have reason to believe that she does. We are both pretty open with each other. I understand and accept that people have pasts, but what I have a problem with is keeping that past in the present.

 

Other info: When we first started dating she had this guy friend. She always included me as in they were group hang outs if they were with each other. After about 6 months of dating it was Christmas time and we stayed at her parents house one state over, and while were there she introduced me to another good guy friend of hers since high school. I told her a few times that I got a weird feeling after hanging out with each of them and I did not feel comfortable. She finally admitted to me that she had a one night stand with each of them one week before we met. She tried explaining to me that it was only one time with each, and it was a really low point in her life. That she didn't think she was going to find someone that was special... she also said she probably wouldn't do it with them again even if she didn't meet me. The first "friend" was someone that she new for years plutonically, and second guy she new from her home town in high school. She told me that she liked him for quite a while, but he didn't like her like that. She said that finally after these years they bought thought they were see if anything was there, and she told me that he definitely wasn't for her after all.

 

After she admitted this to me, she agreed with me that she wouldn't stay in touch with either of them, and she hasn't.

Edited January 7, 2013 by marcjb

[mammasita]

I think thats pretty weird to keep those emails. The past is the past. My guess is she still has some feelings for this guy - maybe "the one that got away" type thing.

 

BUT how did you "become aware" that she had saved the messages? Snooping or did she volunteer the information?

[marcjb]

She told me about this guy when we started dating because she told me about that trip that she had planned. I did not go through her email, but when I was with her at her computer a few times she had to check her email to get something and she has a folder with his name and all of the emails are in it. She told me she just saves everything as a reference for her life.

[darkmoon]

snooping isn't that bad (like violence, say)

 

you're not asking too much in wanting to be put first

 

you need to tell her your hurting, and ask her to plz do something about it, just that one request. no more convos/changing convo subjects

 

I don't know anyone who keeps ex-mementos

[marcjb]

I know, I did tell her how it hurts me multiple times. It seems that she's ok with cutting any contact with someone for me, which is good, but she isn't ok with getting rid of emails.

[clia]

She said that she isn't keeping them for the sexual stuff, just memories of that time in her life and basically that she won't get rid of them. She does save pretty much everything, and I can understand wanting to save certain things, but not anything where your partner was intimate with someone else. Personally, I don't really save anything that I know I won't need again.

 

I personally don't find it strange that she keeps the e-mails. I still have all the letters my high school boyfriend wrote me when we were LDR during college. I also have kept other e-mails from other relationships. I, too, keep them for the memories about that time in my life. Just because you don't keep anything from your past or seem to understand how such letters might be sentimental to her doesn't mean there is anything wrong with what she is doing. Why do you feel so threatened by a bunch of e-mails?

[marcjb]

It hurts me because I don't understand why anyone would want to keep things that include intimate exchanges with someone else when they are in a serious relationship with someone. Even if she said that she is not saving them for that purpose, they are still there. I just think it is disrespectful especially after I expressed how it hurts me. People claim that the past is the past, but if that's the case why keep stuff from the past?

Edited January 7, 2013 by marcjb

[Million.to.1]

You are being insecure.

Just because YOU don't understand why someone wants to keep something doesn't mean it's wrong or their motivation for keeping them is sordid in some way.

 

I am sentimental, and i keep EVERYTHING from past relationships. i hardly ever look at them, but i like to know they are there.

i have, letters, photos, videos, gifts, cards, all sorts.

 

if a current boyfriend of mine was funny about it I wouldn't care. Why should i deny happy moments in my past for his sake?

imagine if I threw them out / deleted them or whatever and then we broke-up a few months later?

i would resent him for making feel bad about my past, especially as he would then be a part of that past too.

 

 

Live in the moment. you are being stupid over something that doesn't matter.

it's just memories, not REALITY, not NOW.

[marcjb]

I'm not trying to deny her, her past. I realize that she has a past. I accept that. My problem is that she is saving stuff from her past. If she wants to think about her past, she can do that. It's why we have memories in our head. If you say live in the moment, it doesn't seem like she is living in the moment if she needs to save stuff from the her past. I'm just finding it insulting, disrespectful and hurtful. If I had all of my emails and photos saved from my past which include sexual exchanges, I don't think that she would like that either.

Edited January 7, 2013 by marcjb

[Imajerk17]

So there was this guy from another country and there were who two male friends. Sounds like she was sowing her wild oats a decent amount before you and she met.

 

How did you and she meet, by the way?

[marcjb]

We met through a common interest of music, at a gig that we were both on. The business trip that I had mentioned that she was supposed to go on, but cancelled was a gig in that other country. She had plans to stay with that guy while she was there.

Edited January 7, 2013 by marcjb

[Million.to.1]

Well it seems to me that you two aren't a good match then.

 

Keeping things is not bad and just because you don't do it or don't understand why she does doesn't make it wrong. She doesn't keep it with the intention to hurt or undermine you. And really, they are of no threat to you what-so-ever.

 

The fact that she told you about it is weird. I would not show or tell my boyfriend about my shoe box of memories, but that's not because i feel ashamed about it at all. It's just a box of old stuff that has value for me.

 

 

Each to their own. if you don't like that she wants to keep that stuff, then leave her.

 

This is your issue though.

[darkmoon]

put a nice juicy romantic picture of an ex on facebook

 

i bet you won't see one rule for your girl and another for you

[marcjb]

I don't think it's a case of us not being a good match because we are fine with everything else, and have a lot in common. She told me about it because I asked her about that guy and her when she told me that she was supposed to stay with him on the trip.

[Million.to.1]

Why is it disrespecting and hurtful?

 

I could say the same thing the other way around. Making her throw it all away is disrespecting her past and the love and time she shared with someone else. It is hurtful to force someone to rid their lives of memorabilia that they like to keep.

 

The fact that these emails are still fresh and that that relationship might not have run it's course due to the distance between them and you arriving on the scene is the root of this issue. You feel threatened.

[marcjb]

Why does she need to keep the love and time she shared with someone else if she is in a current relationship to receive it? That's what's hurtful and disrespectful to me.

[Million.to.1]

Because life is transient and love is not exclusive.

 

Please, take it from me. Memorabilia is of NO THREAT TO YOU. It does not undermine what the two of you share in ANY WAY whatsoever.

 

Some people like "stuff" other don't. just because her memories are attached to "items" she's kept, doesn't make it any different to you having memories of your past. Items are just triggers.

 

If she is spending time reading through the emails, then yeah, ok it's something that would make me uncomfortable too, but just because they are there (undeleted) means nothing.

 

The fact is, that you might not be around in her life forever.... in a few months you may be gone, who knows.

Her memorabilia is only there to remind her that she is capable of love and being loved. The times when i have looked through my box is when i was feeling alone and like i would never find love. It reminded me that I'm not alone and that i am lovable and worthy of love even if the past relationship didn't work out. I think many modern relationships fail due to different aspirations and life goals, not because there is lack of love.

I am in a happy healthy and awesome relationship and i don't need to look through my box, and i haven't for a long time, but i would never throw it away, ESPECIALLY for the sake of someone else unjustified insecurity over it.

 

It will be there to comfort her and rebuild her confidence, when maybe, you aren't anymore.

Why deny her that?

[marcjb]

Because I love her very much and don't plan on ever leaving. I tell her that all the time. Like I said, I find it hurtful that she feels like she needs to keep this stuff when she has me very close by her side. I would not leave her because of this, it would be stupid to, but I'm hurting by dealing with it.

[Million.to.1]

To be honest i think you should just get over it and stop worrying over nothing.

 

Try and understand why it is that you feel threatened by pixels in an email and why these feelings of hurt arise for you.

 

They serve nothing.

 

You will do more for yourself and your relationship by trying to let go of the male "ownership" of your partner and by understanding more of the psychology behind your own jealousies and insecurities. It will make you a better man.

Finding a way to make her throw something away she doesn't want to will only erode her opinion of you.

[marcjb]

If it's "nothing" then why does she need to keep it and make a big deal about not getting rid of it?

 

I feel threatened by the fact that she feels that she needs to keep it when she has me. I don't think saving stuff is living in the preset.

Edited January 7, 2013 by marcjb

[Million.to.1]

Because life is transient and love is not exclusive.

 

 

 

The fact is, that you might not be around in her life forever.... in a few months you may be gone, who knows.

I think many modern relationships fail due to different aspirations and life goals, not because there is lack of love.

 

It will be there to comfort her and rebuild her confidence, when maybe, you aren't anymore.

Why deny her that?

 

I bolded my previous points. You do not know the future.

 

For God's sake man, focus on the NOW and what the two of you share. That's all that matters.

[marcjb]

Again, that's what I'M doing, but when the past is brought into the future, it effectively becomes the present.

 

You obviously have a similar stance on saving stuff as my girlfriend, so you obviously agree with her on it, but that doesn't make it right.

[darkmoon]

If it's "nothing" then why does she need to keep it and make a big deal about not getting rid of it?

 

I feel threatened by the fact that she feels that she needs to keep it when she has me. I don't think saving stuff is living in the preset.

 

her things that "tear you apart" - how long are you expected to live with a haunted life? Til you wed? Have a kid?

 

@ million

so she can re-gain condfidence, just dress up, go out and see who fancies her, no need to live in the past

 

the OP is devoted *cough* some ppl ought to appreciate sensitive men

[marcjb]

Thank you darkmoon, yes, I'm am extremely devoted to her. I would never want to hurt her in any way. She is very loving towards me in all other regards, I don't question anything else, but it is distressing that she would rather keep thing stuff when she knows it bothers me.

[Million.to.1]

Whatever then..

 

there is no right and wrong in this world.

 

i hope you work it out.