SER Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I ended a 6 year relationship last October with someone who was overly negative, pessimistic, unromantic, and lacked empathy. Being with someone that long, I guess I can say although it didn't rub off, it definitely has affected me as far as dating. I have been on a couple of dates in the past month with a guy from school and another guy, both which fizzled due to lack of things in common/lack of similar interests. I went on OKC a month ago to try to venture out since I don't get many chances to date anyone outside of where I met those two guys (university) due to a busy schedule... trying to find someone new, hopefully a great LTR. I've talked to a few guys on there, but a couple of weeks ago, the brother of a friend (not an extremely close friend) was matched with me and he sent me a message. I had seen his profile as a suggestion for me, but I was a little too embarrassed to do so. I had met him only a few times going out with my friend and a few other friends over the past couple of years, but I never really thought he'd be interested, so it came as a bit of a surprise. I'm 26, he's 25. We really hit it off talking online and have since been on 4 very long, very terrific dates. He has so much in common with me, that I realized how much I didn't have in common with my ex and how awesome this was to be able to talk about and be (unembarrassingly) excited about things that interest me. He's a great guy and I can see this turning into something more as time progresses. One thing I have noticed is that I am definitely guarding myself as well has not being completely open as I should. When I was thinking about this yesterday, I feel like, for one, I'm not used to being around someone as happy, energetic, and excited about things as I am. It is really great, but I have caught myself restraining my thoughts and general personality as I used to with my ex. In each date, I have attempted to be a little more "me", but it feels so strange being me around someone of interest. In a way, I feel like I don't want to completely let myself open for fear of him turning into the negative person who would shut me down. I don't want to be that person who wasn't worth the effort again. I know this is an irrational thought to have, but I can't help but feel that way no matter what I tell myself. I don't want to guard myself around this guy, because I really feel like there is some great chemistry between us and I am surprised at the amount of great qualities he has and the way he makes me feel. I would hate to ruin this because I'm stopping myself from completely being, well, myself. Do I just try to keep telling myself to be who I am and hope that I don't unconsciously sabotage my efforts? He really deserves to see the best of me and I want him to, but I can't help but be worried about being shot down at my positivity/happy nature again.
Leegh Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Try to take a day at a time, or in this case, a date at a time. It sounds as if things are going great with this new fellow and I would just keep things basically "light" for the first few months with him. Since you recently broke up with your old boyfriend in October, I don't think enough time has gone by yet for a serious relationship, but this new guy does seem like a winner from what you say and I would definitely continue seeing him. He is an entirely different person from your old boyfriend and it's best not to think that your new guy may act like your previous boyfriend. I think if you and your new guy continue dating that eventually you will put your old boyfriend on the back burner of your mind.
Author SER Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Great idea. Yea, I'm trying to take it as slow mentally as I can since the breakup is so recent. I think that's a good way to think about it for myself - that he is an entirely different person and remind myself of this each time. I think with that mentality vs. a "he could hurt me too" type of mentality, it could make things a lot better for myself and for him. Hopefully over the next few dates it will help me open up a bit more. Thanks for the help Leegh!
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