sweet_pea Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Hi, y'all! I'm not sure if this topic has been covered or not (if it has, sorry!), but I was curious to hear your input. BS's: Would you be friends with an OW? As in, if you found out your friend was an OW (in her current relationship, not 'reformed'), would you continue to be her friend? Why or why not?
Decorative Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Not if she continued. I like my friends to be positive and uplifting, and have the same basic principle of treating others kindly and as you would wish to be treated. The deception and lies that go along with being in an affair do not coincide with that value. I have ceased being friends with one person who was a persistent OW, once I learned of it. And recently, in my social circle, when we learned of an active and unrepentant OW, we outed her to the BW, and now none of us are friends with the OW. 4
underwater2010 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Before I became a BS I would try to talk her out of it. Now that I am a BS...no way in hell. 5
BetrayedH Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 My GF's best friend of many years is an OW to a MM. Rather than cutting her off, we've chosen to try to influence her to live otherwise. She divorced at an early age and the experience seems to have left her constantly attracted to unavailable men. I eventually influenced her to post in the OW section here and she made some brief progress. Unfortunately, as is the case with so many OW who are emotionally involved with their MM, her attempts at NC have been short-lived. She is in love with the man and in typical fashion, he future-fakes just enough to give her hope. That said, we continue to see progress - she recently had me change the locks on her doors and has started dating single men even though her heart is still with the MM and she can't seem to stay NC. In this case, I almost see it like I do posting here at LS. Rather than just insulting or cutting someone off, we do what we can to influence more ethical decision-making. It's a difficult position to maintain because I don't have much patience for any continuation of the affair but we also know she is better off with our influence than without. Ultimately, if she goes back to the affair at full-strength, we'll have to be done with the friendship because it's just impossible to socialize with someone whose SO is married. 3
jwi71 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Not if she continued. I like my friends to be positive and uplifting, and have the same basic principle of treating others kindly and as you would wish to be treated. The deception and lies that go along with being in an affair do not coincide with that value. I have ceased being friends with one person who was a persistent OW, once I learned of it. And recently, in my social circle, when we learned of an active and unrepentant OW, we outed her to the BW, and now none of us are friends with the OW. This. I am currently now friends with fOW. I have offline communications with OW on this forum. I would consider then to be potential friends. The past is the past and only affects you if YOU let it - and in no way predicts the future. 2
freestyle Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 My best girlfriend of many years was an OW-- I didn't approve, but I provided emotional support to her for years, as she tried repeatedly, and unsuccessfully, to extract herself from the situation. It ended up being five years.......... At the time we met, I hadn't gone through a gut-wrenching betrayal, so I was less judgmental--- I found out, after ending the friendship (which was heartbreaking for me) that she was actually a serial OW, and I was unaware of a lot of other stuff that had been happening behind the scenes in her life. So I kinda feel like I was played as a chump. (long, loooong story. Too much to write again, but if anyone's interested, I'll link the thread I started about it..) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/281554-collateral-damage-infidelity At this point in my life, I would not be likely to maintain a friendship with anyone actively involved in an affair--it would be too hard for me to keep my mouth shut......Not meaning that I would rat the person out---but I would have no qualms about describing what they were helping to inflict on the betrayed party. I would burst the affair bubble at every given opportunity. 3
bentnotbroken Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Hi, y'all! I'm not sure if this topic has been covered or not (if it has, sorry!), but I was curious to hear your input. BS's: Would you be friends with an OW? As in, if you found out your friend was an OW (in her current relationship, not 'reformed'), would you continue to be her friend? Why or why not? No...already had the experience. I also walked away from a family member. I can not support the destruction of so many people. Did the same to the friend who starting using meth..not going to add additional drama to my life. 3
buckeyeblue Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Interesting question. I was just thinking of this. I choose my friends based on a consideration of many factors, not just one. That being said, honesty and integrity are the factors that have been at the top of my list since I was a teen (I had great parents in this regard, so I thank them). Long before I was a BS (even long before I was married), my best friend confessed that she had an affair with her H's friend. Her H had also had an affair and was being sued in a paternity action, so it was a mess all around. While I did not approve of my BFF's affair, the issue that really upset me was her flip attitude about the affair. She not only broke up her own marriage, but also the marriage of her MM's BS. My BFF also exhibited other selfish "me, me, me" behavior that we see exhibited on these forums by some OW. Over time, I just could not continue the friendship. Intergrity, honesty, and respect are just too ingrained in me to "look the other way". I think if it was a ONS or short-term affair and she felt badly about it, we may have been able to continue our friendship. IDK. This is a tough question because I think it depends on the situation. For me, it's not a "one-size fits all" answer. For instance, if one of my daughters (or sons) had an affair, I would still love her and include her in my life. I would be tremendously disappointed, but she would still be my daughter. I hope that I have raised my children to have enough self-respect and integrity not to have an affair, but who knows. Likewise, there are some fOW who are remorseful and are on a path to self-respect. In those cases, I would not stop the friendship. In fact, I commend those women. It must be horribly difficult to live with the guilt and realization of their contribution to someone's pain, all while having to recover from their own pain. While the affair was a selfish act, their willingness to turn their lives around and help others is truly selfless. (Sorry for the slight TJ, but I have a lot of appreciation for these women). 2
Author sweet_pea Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 The reason I asked was because, like a lot of y'all, this also happened to me. And when I walked away from her, she had the nerve to say that I was a bad friend/person. Well, excuse me. I truly did try to offer her support (to leave her relationship and help her when she would be hurt over something), but she ignored it. I could only last so long. I just could not be friends with someone who did not have an issue with being an OW and actively partaking in a possible marriage's destruction. To me, she showed her true colors and values and they just didn't sync with mine. Thanks for answering! It was interesting (and sad too) to hear others thoughts. -Sweet Pea 5
freestyle Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 The reason I asked was because, like a lot of y'all, this also happened to me. And when I walked away from her, she had the nerve to say that I was a bad friend/person. Well, excuse me. I truly did try to offer her support (to leave her relationship and help her when she would be hurt over something), but she ignored it. I could only last so long. I just could not be friends with someone who did not have an issue with being an OW and actively partaking in a possible marriage's destruction. To me, she showed her true colors and values and they just didn't sync with mine. Thanks for answering! It was interesting (and sad too) to hear others thoughts. -Sweet Pea I'm sorry to hear you had that experience, too. I got the same label from my former friend (before I walked away from the friendship) It was very painful, after that many years of friendship---it hurt just as much as a romantic breakup, for me---as I'd always placed a high value on long-term friendships. How many years had you been friends with her?
Author sweet_pea Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 I'm sorry to hear you had that experience, too. I got the same label from my former friend (before I walked away from the friendship) It was very painful, after that many years of friendship---it hurt just as much as a romantic breakup, for me---as I'd always placed a high value on long-term friendships. How many years had you been friends with her? I've known her for about half of my life. That's what probably made it really hard to walk away. The fact that I invested so much of my life to being her friend (we were basically sisters), and then it end the way it did killed me. In the end, I had to remember that even though she was such a close friend, I couldn't just ignore my values/character because of how she was acting. I tried to push them aside to "be a good friend" and support her (not of the affair, but be there when she was hurt, etc.) but like I said... it's just hard to do that when you disagree :/
ComingInHot Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I have a gift that makes it easy for me to be friends w/just about anybody. It just is. What I've had to learn and understand is that friendships can have "seasons". I have three BFF's who are Always on all the time. The rest are, depending on the tides, are near & far depending on life factors. If you're w/me so far, my point is, I would probably chose to distance myself, while my friend was making the choice to engage in what I believe is a damaging relationship. It wouldn't be because I all of a sudden don't like my friend. It would be that A. I don't want to get caught up in her situation. & B. I would not be able to be the kind of friend I Want to be w/support, understanding, advice etc.. But as we've all witnessed, seasons change. I would hope life would bring us close again under new circumstances** 2
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