VenusDoom Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Hi all. Weird story. I am dating a woman who was my high school sweetheart from 15-18, and we broke up for silly teenager reasons. We went our separate ways, but ran back into each other at 21, and the chemistry was instant again. Basically like we never stopped. We both acknowledged the stupid reasons we broke up and immediately started back up. I'm currently 24, on my last semester of college, and since I was almost 22 when we started, we've been officially back together for about 2 years now. Obviously we talked about our past and what not, but not heavy detail. I guess we never really cared. Until she drops a bombshell on me recently. She says at 18 she got married to some guy, had a kid with him, and she wasn't ready for a kid nor did she want it, so she ditched the kid and basically gave over full custody rights to the dad. She had been acting weird lately, so I asked what her problem was, and that's what she came out with. BUT WAIT. THERE'S MORE. She said she never really loved him and basically used sex as a weapon (tool?) to get what she wanted from him so she wouldn't have to work. She also tells me the guy has turned into some kind of drunk since she left and he wants to dump the poor kid off on her and be done with it all. Now she tells ME that if I love her, it's time to be a family, and if I don't accept this proposition, I never really loved her and I'm a liar and terrible person and blah blah. I told her that me being a full-time student obviously makes it impossible to support a child and I'd be no kind of father with my current study schedule. We both grew up in low income families and I worked VERY hard to get where I'm at currently. I could never afford college, so I'm on scholarship and living in the dorms because it's paid for. So what does she want?! She wants me to drop out! She says I could get a full time job at McDonald's or somewhere similar and "be a man" and move into my own place. She says I should get 2 jobs if that's what it takes, and stop with college, because I'm "wasting my time" by learning things that aren't helping me in life. I'm under a year away from an engineering degree, is she nuts? Is it wrong to feel betrayed? I love this woman dearly and trusted her with everything. Absolutely planned on making her my wife. This puts a serious dent in this. She always made cracks about me being so busy in college, but I'm honestly starting to wonder if she really meant them. She isn't very educated, doesn't care to be, and is still a little lower class. That's fine and I accepted it, because we are both out of that environment and I assumed we'd grow away from that low class hooligan lifestyle. I feel hurt, betrayed, lied to, and like we are going in 2 completely different directions. I will say right now there is 0 chance I drop out and kick my engineering degree for this. If that's selfish, so be it, but I worked so hard to get here so I wouldn't have to work at a McDonald's type of place. She knows this too, and that's what kills me. It feels like complete disrespect. I don't want to lose her, but what can I do? This is the heaviest burden I've felt in my life so far. We went from things being perfect and our future looking great to this. Now I have to worry about a toddler, a crazy and potentially alcoholic ex husband, and this is all happening so fast and I'm completely blindsided!! Am I wrong to feel this way?! Any thoughts or opinions or advice? - Hank
CarrieT Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Please, please, please run away from this woman as fast and as far as you can. She admitted she used sex as a weapon/tool, birthed a baby far too early in her life to know how to intelligently and responsibly handle it, and wants YOU to ruin your life to support her? Recipe for disaster and although you think there is chemistry, you would be setting yourself up for a lifetime of dread if you moved forward with her. Very quickly you would regret dropping out of college and making all these changes for her. She sounds like a tragic trainwreck with no hope but to find guys that will do whatever she wants - and even then it won't be enough. 4
mitchell Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 One year out from your engineering degree and she wants you to quit so you can work at McDonalds? Ditch this woman and get on with your life. Your spouse is supposed to be your partner and support your aspirations. She wants to drag you down. Her duplicity with the child and marriage is also enough to make you run away!
AlexCross Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Would you like fries with that all too support a child that's not yours. You seem intelligent. Drop her. You can do better. She is controlling, impulsive and manipulative.
Els Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 No freakin' way. Seriously, the only way I could understand her POV would be if you're sitting around at home on unemployment all year round. But you're a college student, presumably doing very well if you're on a scholarship - you've a huge future in front of you. Don't ever give that up, especially not for someone who dismisses your dreams and goals so easily for their own selfish desires.
Onlyjonley Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Holy hell -- she is trying to manipulate the crap out of you. Do you really want someone like her to be your wife? I can't even imagine the **** you'd go through with her.
AMusing Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I agree with everyone else: run. Speaking as someone who narrowly escaped living that type of life (about a decade ago), once the initial pain of the breakup wears off, you will never regret finishing school (and not being tied to someone like your girlfriend). That girl sounds like a train wreck, but the good part is you don't have to stay on board and wait for the collision. Finish your degree (I'm sure you know, an education in engineering is a great choice), get a good job in a year, and--when you're ready--start dating someone a little more... well... healthy. Five years from now you'll be embarrassed that you even thought about dropping out of school and helping raise this girl's kid while making minimum wage at a dead-end job. Also, she hid having a baby from you for two years?!? What the hell?
KungFuJoe Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I dunno. McDonalds is not that bad of an idea. In this economy people still need cheap fast food. Think of job security. Engineers are a dime a dozen. I messed around one time and became an engineer.
mortensorchid Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Get away from this gal ASAP! She wants someone to take care of her and she's falling back on you because she thinks she can take advantage of you.
GLDheart Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 This girl is insane. Just admit to youself that your hooked on the drama. Convince yourself that it's time to "Man Up" and knight in shining armor this girl. Don't worry after you've sadled yourself in debt and are a slave to Micky D's... Then she can call you a no good loser and cheat on you as a reward for your sacrifice. Imagine the Drama!! Sounds like just what you are looking for....
skylark100 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Run, Forest, run. In fact you should be able to run a 4 minute mile away from this girl based on what you said. Re-read your post and ask yourself if you ever really needed to post it in the first place. You know the answer. Finish your degree, you will become successful and find a woman who really appreciates you. Shes using the fact that you want to marry you as a weapon now. rrrrrrrruuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnn!
marcjb Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Short answer is she is trying to pawn the baby off on you so she doesn't have to work.
imfine Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 She's a user. She doesn't even love her child. What makes you think she loves you? When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Refocus on your life & what you've worked so hard for. Don't throw away your dreams to fulfill a lazy, selfish user's dreams. You're young, a short term heartbreak is much better than a lifetime of misery.
KraftDinner Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Do you really need to ask? Wow. This woman is: - a liar - she didn't tell you about a husband and kid, huge, which is a lie of omission - jealous of you getting an education, hence why she's putting you down and trying to get you to work at McDonald's - not supportive of your goals (obviously) - irresponsible and heartless - dumping her kid - disrespectful - calling you names - not very smart if she thinks you can make more at McD's than with an engineering degree - looking for a wallet (you) Holy moly, run. Run run run
KungFuJoe Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I swear to god I hope this is a bad joke thread. I'd hate to think that there exists someone as out of touch with reality or any sense of responsibility as op's gf...and that there also exists a guy that is even remotely considering the possibility of complying with said chick. AND these two people happened to meet. What are the odds?
Trimmer Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 She said she never really loved him and basically used sex as a weapon (tool?) to get what she wanted from him so she wouldn't have to work. And so what do you think she's doing to you? I will say right now there is 0 chance I drop out and kick my engineering degree for this. And let me just be sure - please tell me that you are talking about 0.00000 chance; I want to be sure you aren't sitting at 0.498 and just rounding to the nearest integer. (ha, engineering joke...) If that's selfish, so be it, but I worked so hard to get here so I wouldn't have to work at a McDonald's type of place. She knows this too, and that's what kills me. It feels like complete disrespect. It is selfish, in exactly the way you should be selfish: watching out for yourself, and your best interests. I don't want to lose her, but what can I do? She manipulated you, she betrays you, she has deceived you. Do you really think this is the first time this should have come up in discussion? Do you really think that the ex-husband/father-of-her-child just now, suddenly turned into an unstable loser? Or was she just making sure you were securely on the hook, so she could reel you in with all her manipulations once she broke the news? This is the heaviest burden I've felt in my life so far. We went from things being perfect and our future looking great to this. Now I have to worry about a toddler, a crazy and potentially alcoholic ex husband, and this is all happening so fast and I'm completely blindsided!! And you now know that the perfect, great-looking future was an illusion. It will hurt to let go of it, but it was an illusion. Am I wrong to feel this way?! Any thoughts or opinions or advice? I would feel betrayed as well. And I would not ever be able to trust her again, knowing that she used the ex in the way she did, and realizing how she was trying to crash your career into the ground. Even if she is this evil, it's amazing that she's also so stupid that she doesn't get that it would be infinitely better for you to finish you education, even if she were planning to mooch off you. But thank goodness she can't hide either her evil, or her lack of intelligence. You want that to be out in the open where you can see it all now and make good decisions. NO UNPROTECTED SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG, don't do that! And don't take her word that she's got an IUD or is on the pill or anything. Don't take any chances with this one. You're one, tiny, strong, sperm away from being permanently linked to this cauldron of crazy for the rest of your life. 1
phineas Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Are you banging this chick op? I can't imagine a woman telling me this kind of crap unless i'm banging her or she thinks i'm such a desperate loser that she can get away with telling me how she ruined other people's lives, play's the role of the victim & still thinks she can suck me in before even having sex with me. Be a man. Laugh hard at this chick & tell her to give you come over & give you bobs. That's what all the other men she slept with did. and she was into it. don't be a chump.
sillyanswer Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 So what does she want?! Two meal tickets and a place to live for however many years it is until the kid is 18. What is she offering? Is it a good trade?
naviis Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Hi all. Weird story. That did not nearly prepare me to what followed. I am dating a woman who was my high school sweetheart from 15-18, and we broke up for silly teenager reasons. We went our separate ways, but ran back into each other at 21, and the chemistry was instant again. Basically like we never stopped. We both acknowledged the stupid reasons we broke up and immediately started back up. I'm currently 24, on my last semester of college, and since I was almost 22 when we started, we've been officially back together for about 2 years now. Obviously we talked about our past and what not, but not heavy detail. I guess we never really cared. Until she drops a bombshell on me recently. She says at 18 she got married to some guy, had a kid with him, and she wasn't ready for a kid nor did she want it, so she ditched the kid and basically gave over full custody rights to the dad. She had been acting weird lately, so I asked what her problem was, and that's what she came out with. Ok see -- that's when I would have started runnning. I understand women have reasons for not sticking around after the kid's birth, but I think I'd be bothered being in a relationship with someone who knowingly abandoned a child. (obviously she knew since she carried it, "knowingly" was more for the men since I am a girl and straight) BUT WAIT. THERE'S MORE. Why you still here? She said she never really loved him and basically used sex as a weapon (tool?) to get what she wanted from him so she wouldn't have to work. She also tells me the guy has turned into some kind of drunk since she left and he wants to dump the poor kid off on her and be done with it all. Again, why you still here?? And poor kid. Does he have no grandparents? What about child services? I disgress. Now she tells ME that if I love her, it's time to be a family, and if I don't accept this proposition, I never really loved her and I'm a liar and terrible person and blah blah. I told her that me being a full-time student obviously makes it impossible to support a child and I'd be no kind of father with my current study schedule. We both grew up in low income families and I worked VERY hard to get where I'm at currently. I could never afford college, so I'm on scholarship and living in the dorms because it's paid for. It is incredibly selfish and inconsiderate to ask, nay TELL, someone to rethink his entire life for a child that is not theirs! So what does she want?! Again, surprised you stuck around to listen. She wants me to drop out! She says I could get a full time job at McDonald's or somewhere similar and "be a man" and move into my own place. She says I should get 2 jobs if that's what it takes, and stop with college, because I'm "wasting my time" by learning things that aren't helping me in life. I'm under a year away from an engineering degree, is she nuts? She sure says a lot of stuff. What she doing to support the fruit of her loins? Where does she see herself in this family? Is it wrong to feel betrayed? I love this woman dearly and trusted her with everything. Absolutely planned on making her my wife. This puts a serious dent in this. She always made cracks about me being so busy in college, but I'm honestly starting to wonder if she really meant them. She isn't very educated, doesn't care to be, and is still a little lower class. That's fine and I accepted it, because we are both out of that environment and I assumed we'd grow away from that low class hooligan lifestyle. Dude I would have felt betrayed the minute I realized I'd been with someone for 2 years who hid they had been married and had a child from me. Not to mention she probably never would have told you if drunken daddy wasn't about to dump the kid on her. I feel hurt, betrayed, lied to, and like we are going in 2 completely different directions. I will say right now there is 0 chance I drop out and kick my engineering degree for this. If that's selfish, so be it, but I worked so hard to get here so I wouldn't have to work at a McDonald's type of place. She knows this too, and that's what kills me. It feels like complete disrespect. You're entitled to that. You've been in a relationship with her a few years, but your career choice determines the rest of your life. And it's entirely up to you to make that choice. It's not like you were 45 and decided to drop your well-paid job to go back to uni -- you are making the smart choice now. If she thinks less of you for that seems you're a terrible match. I don't want to lose her, but what can I do? This is the heaviest burden I've felt in my life so far. We went from things being perfect and our future looking great to this. Now I have to worry about a toddler, a crazy and potentially alcoholic ex husband, and this is all happening so fast and I'm completely blindsided!! Am I wrong to feel this way?! Any thoughts or opinions or advice? - Hank Run. The appropriate attitude (in my mind) would have been for her to sit you down, run you through the years you two were broken up and told you what she was going to do, for her and her child, and ask you if you were still willing to be a part of her life. She should not have put any pressure on you or even asked any help from you. Just tell you she loved you and still wanted you in her life but given you an out if you felt this was too much to handle. She did the exact opposite. PS love your username, very fitting
Author VenusDoom Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 (edited) To answer a few of your questions/clear up any facts. 1. There is no "why are you still there?" This has all happened in the last 48 hours. If you invest 6 years in a person, you're not going to bail after 48 hours without hearing the entire story first. 2. She was always a great and wonderful person to me, which is confusing as to why she has gone from wonderful to someone I don't even think I know in less than 48 hours. Her supposed "crazy" e/x husband also wants to beat me up and "knock some teeth" out for whatever reason. How did I get into this situation? lol Oh, and no I haven't ever had unprotected sex with her. I never wanted kids until I was done with college and somewhat stabilized with a job and a home to raise one in. I don't know why I'm still here, I guess like I said, it feels strange to cut someone off so quickly when they've been around so long. I understand it's probably what I'm forced to do here, but it's so weird. My life was great 48 hours ago. Edited January 8, 2013 by VenusDoom
sid3 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 My life was great 48 hours ago. No it wasn't, you were just clueless as to the impending trainwreck.
runningfar Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Leave. She has shown despicable behavior (abandoning her child) and no growth (asking you to leave school) Leave quickly. And call child services on the way out. Poor kid.
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