it's finally over - and i think it might actually kill me

January 7, 2013

so things have been great for the last couple of months, in every aspect except the fact that we don't have sex. because he needs me to lose weight for him to find me physically attractive (i've said it before on here; i'll just reiterate: 5'6 and about 168lbs [or maybe 165lbs after sleepless crying last night!] is chunky and yes i need to lose weight, but it's hardly super morbidly obese dealbreaker stuff, surely?)

in particular, i was away over christmas and he was in constant daily contact, all day every day, and then we had a really lovely new years eve together.

yesterday we went out and then back to mine for a film. he was moody and quiet all day, and finally it came out. he had been giving me two years to sort myself out, but 18 months in not enough change; he can't be in a relationship without sex any more; it will devastate him if we can't be in touch, so can we be friends exactly as we are, but now start to see other people.

how many ways are there to say HELL NO? then he started saying this was my choice, and i need to remember that his offer of an amazing friendship is always on the table, but i am choosing to reject it. really? i don't think amazing friends are shallow, hurtful and wanting to cherrypick the good stuff whilst boning other people.

we've done this dance a few times before, but he really means it this time; he's never said he wants to meet someone else before. he actually said he thinks there will be "an athletic version of me" out there. this is someone who freely admits it took him 35 years to find the connection he has with me, gets on with hardly anybody, and has been in therapy for 10 years. urgh, how can i know all this, and yet it still feels like i've been run over by a steamroller and then set on fire?

January 7, 2013

It's not about him. What did you gain by remaining in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man?

Sorry you're in pain and misery.

January 7, 2013

i think that is an issue that i will need to address along with healing my self-esteem. i am figuring that starting to deal with that will come about 2 weeks down the line, when this initial numbness and then the inevitable raw crushing grief have faded a bit. at the moment i just need to work out how i am going to go from perma-contact to complete no-contact. one step at a time, i guess, and implementing no-contact has to be the first.

the simple answer is, it wasn't enough and i knew that, but the time we spent together was amazing, and it was easier to cling onto that than lose it. i suspect the same was true for him. there's no denying he is totally devastated too, and he would have done anything to get me to agree to carry on being friends.

except trying not being to be so shallow, it seems. an extra stone is the kind of thing that bothers you at 21, not 35!

January 7, 2013

Um, you're hardly excessively overweight. I think he is placing awful demands on you and it is so not fair. What an arsehole seriously. I'm sure your body is just fine as it is!!

I don't have much else to say except this man is a jerk and you're better off without him. True love knows no size anyway! You love someone for who they are, not how much meat is on their bones. I say this as a female myself and although I am not overweight, I accept people however they look like - but maybe that's just me.... Chin up honey. You're better than him. I know it hurts now but you'll come to realise that.

January 7, 2013

it would be different if i were 250lbs and 5'1. but i'm not. still, i guess the reason doesn't really matter - other than hopefully a catalyst for me to get to the anger stage in a couple of weeks - it's the fact that he isn't attracted to me, however pretty he says my face is, that counts.

January 7, 2013

He may be unable to perform having nothing to do with you. Try to put the source of this sexual problem at his feet. You are attractive. This was never about your physical being.

The guy is a psychological mess.

January 7, 2013

but that was a long time ago. now his story is that he was confused, he did like me and enjoy it, but he knew he wouldn't have chatted me up in a bar, blah blah.

you are totally right, he has massive issues. i just want to be at the stage where i can feel that and start to be relieved i have escaped, rather than at the stage of wondering how many paperclips i would need to undo in order to slit my wrists with them........!

January 7, 2013

so things have been great for the last couple of months, in every aspect except the fact that we don't have sex. because he needs me to lose weight for him to find me physically attractive (i've said it before on here; i'll just reiterate: 5'6 and about 168lbs [or maybe 165lbs after sleepless crying last night!] is chunky and yes i need to lose weight, but it's hardly super morbidly obese dealbreaker stuff, surely?)

in particular, i was away over christmas and he was in constant daily contact, all day every day, and then we had a really lovely new years eve together.

yesterday we went out and then back to mine for a film. he was moody and quiet all day, and finally it came out. he had been giving me two years to sort myself out, but 18 months in not enough change; he can't be in a relationship without sex any more; it will devastate him if we can't be in touch, so can we be friends exactly as we are, but now start to see other people.

how many ways are there to say HELL NO? then he started saying this was my choice, and i need to remember that his offer of an amazing friendship is always on the table, but i am choosing to reject it. really? i don't think amazing friends are shallow, hurtful and wanting to cherrypick the good stuff whilst boning other people.

we've done this dance a few times before, but he really means it this time; he's never said he wants to meet someone else before. he actually said he thinks there will be "an athletic version of me" out there. this is someone who freely admits it took him 35 years to find the connection he has with me, gets on with hardly anybody, and has been in therapy for 10 years. urgh, how can i know all this, and yet it still feels like i've been run over by a steamroller and then set on fire?

I feel for you and you know he isnt for you in your heart.......i knew when my ex didnt fidn me attractive when i put on weight,because i would be left to walk behind...heres an incident ill share an example of a scar left by staying with a guy when weight is an issue....

my grandmother died on my mums side.... i had just lost a baby and i had gained a fair bit of weight , i went down by myself three hours to go see my grandfather ex woudlnt come with .....so i caught a train myself a fair distance, stayed a whiel with my grandfather and then reuturned on a later train...it was pretty late a pretty bad area i had to get off the train and catch a bus..a nurse had actually been taken adn murdered from where i was a few years earlier..while i was waiting for the bus i got heckled by a group of guys goading me shaming me about my weight..i didnt cry there though i just pretended like i didnt notice or hear....when i got back to my ex i was upset shaken......red eyed, it had been a really bad day......he said to me.....well you kknow you need to lose it right you dont look good.....

.i stayed with that guy for fifteen years....you can get over what this guy has done to you...if i can you can.....mine left a few deep rooted scars.....i have myself to blame for staying i can hear everyone saying that...i often forgive when i shouldnt.....but thats me....guys who take advantage of my nature....suck...doesnt mean i should change my ways...i just didnt have the right guy....one day i just might meet the guy who appreciates my nature.......when my ex did find me attractive was when i lost weight ultimately i always lose weight for rmyself, i like to be fit it makes me feel confident adn stronger,plus it doesnt hurt so much when i fall over, so i do it for myself but he used to make it known i was his when i lost weight..sex wise it was always constant....he couldnt not have sex with me....i was good enough fro that just not to walk with ...i dont think there is a worse feeling than being left to walk behind, it is the ultimate in rejection, I would entertain myself though day dream a bit of an ideal world.....guys can really suck....but so can women and hopefully in my day dream of an ideal world these people find each other and leave me the hell alone...smilin...i wish you much luck in life....in love...and true happiness with a guy who would hold your hand regardless and be proud of who you are.....hugs....deb

January 7, 2013

appearance and self-esteem are at the root of all of it, i think. theirs and ours.

but still, 15 years... ouch x

January 7, 2013

except trying not being to be so shallow, it seems. an extra stone is the kind of thing that bothers you at 21, not 35!

I sat here and read this thread about 20 times before I finally decided to respond.

Generally speaking, I have three "rules" for relationships.

1. Everyone respects everyone else and treats them with kindness and dignity

2. Everyone stays in shape

3. Everyone communicates.

Staying in shape is less about being superficial than it is about health and the ability to participate in activities together.

I couldn't be with a woman who couldn't last a couple hours riding bikes or walking around in nature, etc.

I REALLY hate to be this way, because honestly, I do NOT like "thin" or "Skinny" women at ALL, but yeah, at some point, it becomes unattractive, and whether its harsh or not, being physically attracted to your partner DOES matter.

Nobody wants to be with someone they don't find physically appealing. If a woman or man takes their clothes off for you in order to be intimate, and your first thought isn't "WOW!" then something's wrong. I can truly say (and I have to be careful here that I don't bring back memories that hurt me right now) but EVERY SINGLE TIME my ex fiance got naked, I was in utter and complete AWE over how stunningly beautiful she was.

So yeah, there's a way to do things as a TEAM (something I learned from her actually). It is absolutely nasty and cold-hearted to look at your partner and say something crude like "You're too fat for me" or "You're unattractive when you're that big".

I personally would approach it like "How about we get more active together?" or "How about we make it a priority to eat healthier? Since I do most of the cooking, I will make it a focus to provide meals for us that really take into account nutrition and calorie content."

There's a way to do it without being a jerk.

I made a POINT of staying in really good shape. Not just for me, but for HER, too.

When i first met her, I was actively still fighting in MMA fights, so I was in EXCELLENT shape. However, after the wreck that broke my neck and left me paralyzed for 3 months and then in excruciating pain for a year, obviously, I lost a lot of muscle and was not ABLE to stay in as good of shape.

However, I made it a point during that time to REALLY reduce my calorie intake.

As soon as I was able, I resumed working out and cardio, etc.

at this point, I am 5'6" and 180 lbs. My goal in the next 30 days is to lose 10 more lbs. This can be done EASILY with diet alone, but I am throwing in some extra weight training, and now that I have my mountain bike back, it IS doable.

Weight gain, even if due to medical conditions or medications, ALWAYS comes down to a simple formula. Too many calories in compared to calories out.

Edited January 7, 2013 by crashvector

January 7, 2013

What a JERK!

How did you two meet? Weren't you the same weight when you met?

He is being an ******* by putting the blame for his issues on you. My ex did something similar (not related to sex, for the most part, though).. The blame was always on me, NO MATTER WHAT.

You should be happy to have gotten rid of this jerk from your life.. You don't need someone who will feel good at your expense, at the expense of your self-esteem. I wouldn't be surprised if HE was trying to feel good about HIMSELF by constantly putting YOU down. Again, my ex did that. He was a manipulative jerk, and yours sounds like one too.

It doesn't matter that you had an amazing time together. I did too, with my ex. But when I look back now, I never felt truly good around him. I was always worried about how to behave, what to say, what to do. He was always critical, always snapped at me for any little thing I might do or say.. And in the end he told me he was not attracted to me. Yeah, he was apparently more attracted to his previous gfs, one of whom was severely overweight... who they are attracted to is none of our problem, to be honest. And just because you are (slightly) overweight does not mean you have no hope in finding a good man/partner who will love you for who you are. The thing is, people like your ex and mine are the type of people who would date someone but never be serious about her -- they might be using her to build up their broken self-esteem. My ex was using me to rebuild his self-esteem after being dumped by his previous gf. When he had had enough rebuilding done to his self-esteem and ego (I boosted it SO MUCH because I kept heaping praises on him, and he NEVER reciprocated, not even by a simple "you look nice today" -- not even ONCE), he discarded me.. These people usually look for gfs who they think do not look that gorgeous/attractive (though I think I am much more good-looking than he is), because that makes them feel better about their own attractiveness.

Let this guy go and find himself some woman who looks like a walking-talking skeleton, or something. Maybe that turns him on more. To each their own. Don't feel bad about yourself and do not let some assh*le ruin your self-esteem. If you want to work on your weight, do it, but don't do it because of what this jerk said. Do it for yourself.

Edited January 7, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

January 7, 2013

Revelations my exfiance came to after about 6 weeks of using the LoseIt! Android app: These are things she actually told me at several points, almost word-for-word.

1. DONT drink your calories. A couple 20 ounce cokes a day = almost 500 calories alone. If you like sodas, drink diet soda. You WILL get used to the taste after a couple of weeks, and will actually PREFER them. Her favorite was Diet Coke in a can...NOT a bottle. As a side note, I was never one for sodas much, but I have to admit, after a couple weeks drinking diet coke, it *IS* pretty darn good.

2. Do not underestimate the value of vegetables. There is NO excuse to EVER be hungry when you can eat 5 POUNDS of vegetables and still lose weight very easily and quickly

3. LEAN protein. She would indulge in a New York Strip steak about once per week, but she ate lots of fish and chicken dishes (thanks to my 7337 culinary skills of course lol)

As far as sex goes, staying in good enough shape to be able to participate in vigorous sex every now and then is an awfully good way to keep your sex life healthy. lol...trust me on this.

Edited January 7, 2013 by crashvector

January 7, 2013

and you can't choose that. fair enough. if you say that on date one. then the person can choose whether to try and be friends or not.

it is NOT fair enough to have sex for 3 months, during which it certainly was not a problem. end that side of things over a spurious argument. then spend the next 18 months making your mind up and relying on someone for emotional support at every turn. only to blame them for your own inability to see the person rather than be blinded by a hot body. urgh.

i completely agree you shouldn't let yourself go, but there is a happy medium and most people should be able to see beneath the skin. especially people who are overtherapied to the gills, and like to think they are so deep and sensitive!

diet coke is one of the things i am giving up for at least a month for new year. i could kiss a tramp's feet for an icy cold can right now... but i think the tips are bang-on otherwise. thank you.

January 7, 2013

i think that is exactly where i will get to in a few weeks. we have an amazing connection because i make so much effort with someone who is chronically shy, incredibly self-absorbed, and very difficult. if i hadn't bent over backwards, we'd never have got talking much at all.

i guess there has to be a combination of them acting like that and us allowing them to do it. we can control one, and we can control how we react to the other. but it's hard to have the confidence to act as if you just don't care, when for some stupid reason you DO.

January 7, 2013

I'm the type that as time goes on, I care less and less about someone's physical beauty and such, because I actually find them MORE attractive the longer I am with her.

the more I love them, the LESS important it becomes to me how they look.

Like I said, I few extra pounds is okay, and sometimes even PREFERABLE. But 100 extra pounds means we can't have fun together.

Its a touchy subject I know...but i'm only attempting to be honest here.

I dont expect my partner to be in as good of shape as I am, but I DO expect her to be reasonably fit enough to not get winded climbing a couple of flights of stairs.

Everyone deserves to be loved. Everyone.

for the record, I do NOT think its okay to be with someone for months and have no complaints, and then suddenly use that as an excuse.

Its mean, and uncalled for. If you have a problem with someone's size when you first meet them..move along.

If you are with someone for a long time and they start putting on weight...see my earlier post on how to handle it.

Edited January 7, 2013 by crashvector

January 7, 2013

most people past the age of about 21 realise that physical stuff is a bonus.

of course there is a difference between someone who is a bit overweight and someone who is properly fat. it is unfortunate that society sees fat as so unattractive, but it does. and i guess the health implications almost validate it, although you only have to type "f*ck a fat chick" into google to see some very strong views on the subject.

but to use an extra few pounds as a reason not to be with someone is not cool, whether you've just met or you've been together for years.

January 7, 2013

most people past the age of about 21 realise that physical stuff is a bonus.

of course there is a difference between someone who is a bit overweight and someone who is properly fat. it is unfortunate that society sees fat as so unattractive, but it does. and i guess the health implications almost validate it, although you only have to type "f*ck a fat chick" into google to see some very strong views on the subject.

but to use an extra few pounds as a reason not to be with someone is not cool, whether you've just met or you've been together for years.

I agree with you about 90%.

the ONLY reason it really truly matters to ME is because I'm generally a very active person. I like to DO things with my partner and companion.

Go on bike rides together, play tennis, go dancing, etc.

Those things require a certain level of fitness.

Like i said, I'd rather a woman be 30 pounds OVERweight than 20 pounds UNDERweight as far as how attractive I find her...as long as she is reasonably fit enough to participate in activities.

January 7, 2013

Being in love with someone is just that. You love someone for all that is good and bad about them. You love them because they are... Them. Size doesn't come into it, not that you are 'obese' as you put it. Unless you were extremely unhealthy - there's no reason he should be bothered. And a supportive partner would encourage a healthier lifestyle anyway

Granted, attraction is a part of it but love is deeper than a 'look'.

You love them because they're who they are.

Your weight isn't anything to do with it- it sounds like an 'easy' excuse to me.

Why think its your fault? X

January 7, 2013

because in reality it shouldn't. and for some people, it genuinely doesn't. i think most people don't mind a bit of extra weight on a current partner, albeit they might want to help them change as you suggest. but it might put them off getting into it in the first place.

it is so daft when you think of the value human beings have always placed on looks. it doesn't make them a good person, or a reliable partner, or good fun, any more than anyone else. and being very good looking can even have a negative impact on someone's personality. and yet, it's always been that way.

urgh!

January 7, 2013

thank you. i would like to think you were right. but in this case, he was crystal clear: everything else was spot on, but he just doesn't find me attractive because i am not thin enough. that is definitely more his issue than mine in the long-term, but right now all i can see is that i didn't make more effort and so have lost the love of my life.

double urgh.

January 7, 2013

I think this guy sounds like an a**, but at the same time I don't think it is fair to judge him for not be attractive to someone who is a bit over weight. Eye is in the eye of the beholder. I have dated guys who were far from supermodels, but I also an not feel attraction to a guy who is "chunky". I might think he is a great person, but the physical attraction just wouldn't be there. At the same time, I would not make the demands on a person to lose weight before I slept with him.

January 7, 2013

because in reality it shouldn't. and for some people, it genuinely doesn't. i think most people don't mind a bit of extra weight on a current partner, albeit they might want to help them change as you suggest. but it might put them off getting into it in the first place.

it is so daft when you think of the value human beings have always placed on looks. it doesn't make them a good person, or a reliable partner, or good fun, any more than anyone else. and being very good looking can even have a negative impact on someone's personality. and yet, it's always been that way.

urgh!

that's all nice and good...but this is reality.

You and everyone on these forums is "guilty" of not being attracted to someone because of the way that he/she LOOKS.

You wouldnt date a guy that looked like Shrek and you know it...any more than I would date a woman who looks like she crawled out the gutter.

January 7, 2013

appearance and self-esteem are at the root of all of it, i think. theirs and ours.

but still, 15 years... ouch x

yes fifteen years not all of them bad either...i went on to have three babies all girls....so if people were to say to me you should have left i would say maybe, i was meant to stay so i could have three blessings,my daughters too woudl probably argue for their existence vehemently..... no matter how much of a dick he was,or how hard it got i have three reasons why i stayed that i am grateful for

there were also times i was grateful that i stayed...he could be a very generous and considerate lover at times.One of the reasons he i guess was still attracted to sleep with me was the fact he did know what i was capable of looking like.......and my personality shines through no matter what i do look like...he had good qualities he wasnt all bad ...i dont believe any one person is inherently bad......we were born to do the right thing by others and for ourselves...i also believe everythign that has happened to em led em to where i am now good and bad, so i give thansk to be standing on my own two feet and loving life at the moment....good friends supportive family, and new friends i have made.....i do know god wants us to be healthy or he wouldnt have invented tropical fruit....such an awesome thing tropical fruit....mmmm mangoes.......good luck to ya and you made the best choice for you......i hope that enemy dissipates and you become your ultimate friend....hugs....deb.......

Edited January 7, 2013 by todreaminblue

January 8, 2013

"You and everyone on these forums is "guilty" of not being attracted to someone because of the way that he/she LOOKS.

You wouldnt date a guy that looked like Shrek and you know it...any more than I would date a woman who looks like she crawled out the gutter"

it's funny because i dated my former boss for about 4 years when i was in my 20's, and shrek would be HAWT compared to him. but he made me laugh and he was super-intelligent, so i stopped noticing.

i think you have to feel attraction, but most grown-ups realise that comes from other things than just looks.

January 8, 2013

most people past the age of about 21 realise that physical stuff is a bonus.

LOL. Maybe if you look like a troll yourself it's a bonus. I'm sorry, but I'm going to choose a gorgeous, fun and nice girl over an ugly, fun and nice girl every single time. It's not a bonus. Being attracted to the person is a prerequisite for a relationship. Don't lie, dude.

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it's finally over - and i think it might actually kill me

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