SkyHigh Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Let me start by saying hello, my first post and all. I am a 28/M with a 27/F. I do not mean to sound conceited, but I have never had problems with women. This one is different. I realize now that I have NEVER been in love before this woman. There are just so many complications surrounding us. #1- She was in an extremely abusive marriage that lasted for 13 years and that ended 4 years ago. Not only was she in it, she was trapped. She dealt with very cruel treatment because he was on almost every drug imaginable. #2- Me, Her, My ex-wife, and her ex husband are all in the same circle. And I have a child with my ex. My child however, does not see me being intimate with anyone. This makes it very akward, but we have been judged several times, never seemed to affect us. #3- She had gotten really sick about a year ago and lost EVERYTHING. Her job, then her car, then college. Now she is in debt. Her self esteem is just flat out shot. We are so compatible it is crazy, she basically moved in for 6 months. She didn't truly move in because I noticed that she NEVER would bring more than a certain amount of things, but it was enough to know that with me is where she lived. Her family loves me, My family loves her, we hardly ever fight or argue, and things are generally just great. But every month or two, she breaks up with me for a day or so. It always comes down to the same thing. I've figured this out. Because she no longer has a car or as much money as she had, she starts feeling trapped. As soon as that sets in, she runs. She does not want me to help her with anything. I'm set. I can do that, I want her to get back on her feet so she can be happy. But she won't let me. I know this woman better than she knows herself, she admits it, she's just too stubborn. I tell her why she does things and she doesn't know.I pay her so much attention it's ridiculous, and she thanks me regularly. If I am out I know exactly what she needs and I get it. If she is sad, I know right away. I just know her. I know that she feels that as soon as she REALLY moves in, I'm going to change. She has also admitted that she thinks that one day her circumstances will make me lose interest in her and just leave her. She has a huge fear of anything that can separate us. So in order to have control of SOMETHING i think she is trying to end it before something else does. She is delf-destructive. Every once and a while she runs back to her mom's. EVERYTIME she does this, she will say things like 'I don't love you' or something fictitious that I've done. Then she comes right back the same night and says that she just feels like crap because she can't do for me like I can do for her. If she is sick and she can't take care of me and i make her soup and get her medicine, she gets upset because she feels like she's not contributing. I know she is in a black whole and it seems like NOTHING is going her way. But I am, so why keep pushing me away? Why not let me HELP you fix the problem. I won't fix them for you, but I will help you. Her depression is out of control. I am positive that this is the one for me. But now she is saying that we are not meant to be because of all the extra B.S. surrounding us. She has been gone for 4 days now and treating me like a stranger. She said to disappear and do not contact her, but she keeps contacting me for little things. But then acts like we haven't been together for a year and some change. She tells me that I am perfect and that she knows there is no one better for her, BUT she is not meant to be in a relationship. She doesn't need anyone, including me. I do not want to let her go. We do belong together. But she will not let me help her and that is killing us slowly. I don't think she's gone, but how in the world do I stop this cycle of breaking up to make up, just feels like a set back everytime. Sorry for the long post. Really just don't vent to people I know, hoping I can get some good insight from an outside source. Someone please tell me what I am missing here.
Divasu Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I know a bit about this, so I wanted to reply. I was diagnosed with Depression at a very young age. A few things about Depression: It’s never cured, but it can be treated and managed. A person with depression needs a lot of discipline on their part to not let their ‘emotions’ overpower them. There are different types of Depression (IE: major depressive, chronic, atypical, seasonal, etc.). As I am sure you know, only a medical professional can properly diagnose which. Once that has been achieved, can proper treatment occur. A few examples: -A sudden loss, death of a loved one, major life event, etc. In this case, the best course of action is to be a source of support. Be there for her, comfort her, things of that nature. -Something unidentified within herself. This means she is struggling with low self-esteem, trust and confidence. She will be full of insecurities. This is where clear and direct communication with her is crucial. You can help her with her confidence, but you want to avoid doing too much that she becomes overly dependent on you where you become the ‘rescuer’. Avoid statements like “I know this woman better than she knows herself”. That’s not a role you want to take on. SHE needs to know herself, better than anyone. Another big component is her ability to trust you. You’re not the enemy, but rather someone she can rely on and trust and not judge her. If her depression is spiraling out of control, which it sounds like it is, then something is off. She may need her antidepressant medication adjusted, is she on antidepressants? Is she in therapy? That would be her first course of action. I hope that helps. It's equally important to take care of yourself being the 'non-depressed' person so if you have other questions or just need a sounding board, that's what we're here for.
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