ActionJ623 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 It's almost day 12 of successfully staying NC from my ex-girlfriend but it still feels like day 1. Today I slipped up and saw my ex's tumblr and she listed how she felt so alone and just wanted somebody (since apparently the guy she was crushing on when we BU somehow broke her heart and now they are not talking). I feel like I shoulda tried more and overall I just feel bad. I feel as if I was a bad boyfriend and hurt her multiple times (we were on and off and I broke up with her over distance as well as trust violations on her end but this time I was the dumpee). This was really my first real try at a relationship and I feel like I failed in some way and I didn't mean to hurt her if I did. NC right now feels as if it's backfiring and i'm going nowhere.
na49 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 NC is for you to move on. It has nothing to do with them. I took a peek at my ex's twitter for the first time in over two months today. She had tweets about how she wants someone to fight for her and how she wants a long lasting relationship blah blah blah. I read that stuff and it felt like it was directed right at me. Like it was her way of saying "I'll take you back if you fight for me! Just get on your knees and beg like the dog that you are!" The reality is that it's not. She's made a choice to have me out. She hasn't regretted that choice. and anything she says or does now has nothing to do with what we were 3 months ago. So I have to try not to read into it and you have to do the same. We're not a part of their life, and if they want us, they'll try to get us no matter what. I wouldn't beat yourself up. If you've broken up more than once, there must have been something wrong. If you feel like you were a bad boyfriend, you probably should look at this and try to learn from it. So that you won't feel like a bad boyfriend in your next relationship. She didn't need you breaking her heart again, so she beat you to the punch and broke your heart. Let her see what she's missing and let her see if life is better without you. It's painful, but if you have any plans on healing, checking on her is NOT the way to go. NC gets easier (and then it gets harder) but if you're not ready to move on, then you'll be ignoring her for no reason. 5
denxnis Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Your ex tried to trade-up and it obviously back-fired. If you got back together there is a high chance she will do the same thing in the future; not to mention the fact that taking her back would look extremely needy/desperate on your part.
Author ActionJ623 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 checking on her is NOT the way to go. NC gets easier (and then it gets harder) but if you're not ready to move on, then you'll be ignoring her for no reason. I absolutely agree with everything you said but i'm confused about one thing...I believe I am ready to move on...but I do still love her at the same time (even though I will still maintain NC, as the main reason for it is to move on). However those games she played within the two months of stringing me along while crushing on the new guy still kinda mess with my mind. I mean she still told me she loved me, called me nicknames, wanted to watch movies together, reminiscenced on old times and even called me when i first tried to go NC to ask me if I was dating anyone, which I brought up a girl, then when I thought I would be pushing her away I quickly said "nah just playing"...I didn't really understand NC was a way to move on back then not get my ex back and at first time she initiated contact I broke all over again for another 2 weeks. All the while she was posting pictures of her and this new guy, and falling head over heels for him...I give her props for a game well played I guess.
MyAngel Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Na49, yeah it sure does sound like that was directed at your situation. But seriously: if someone walks out of your life, do they expect you to fight for you? Everything I've read says NOT to do that, not to beg. And then if you don't, does the ex wonder why you haven't? If they walk, they've made their choice in my opinion. As for no contact the same as giving up, I guess so. You're giving up your past relationship by cutting the ties. You can't keep hanging on to something that's not there. 1
Mr.White Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 NC is NOT GIVING UP! It is the way to heal after you have had your heart broken. It is a reasonable way to heal as you cut everything connected to the person who broke your heart. I find that it has helped because I have cleaned all of the items and all memories and have stuffed them into the attic where I will not be reminded of the other person. I am now back at my regular weight after I stopped eating regularly, go to the gym, actually socialize to women (instead of having fear installed into me from my ex), and I can be selfish and do what I wish now. All because of NC. Do not check your ex's social media unless you are prepared to see them in a picture of them being happy with another person. I have experienced that and I accept it. It seems to me like you were not ready to see what she has posted and it has backfired and set you back to day 1. It actually mentions that in the NC guide. You my friend need to listen to the rules right now. Try to read TaraMaidens edited version of the NC guide from Caliguy below: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/281193-all-new-no-contact-thread Good luck on your journey, I am here for you! 1
na49 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I absolutely agree with everything you said but i'm confused about one thing...I believe I am ready to move on...but I do still love her at the same time (even though I will still maintain NC, as the main reason for it is to move on). However those games she played within the two months of stringing me along while crushing on the new guy still kinda mess with my mind. I mean she still told me she loved me, called me nicknames, wanted to watch movies together, reminiscenced on old times and even called me when i first tried to go NC to ask me if I was dating anyone, which I brought up a girl, then when I thought I would be pushing her away I quickly said "nah just playing"...I didn't really understand NC was a way to move on back then not get my ex back and at first time she initiated contact I broke all over again for another 2 weeks. All the while she was posting pictures of her and this new guy, and falling head over heels for him...I give her props for a game well played I guess. That's definitely a game. She played it and won. Chalk it up as a loss. My ex did the same thing with me right after our BU. Saying things like "I wish I could go back to your arms. I just can't right now" before hanging up with her on the phone she said "I love you" playfully and giggled when I said it back. I was a freaking wreck. Probably where you are right now. Asking myself things like "Wait! She said she loved me! She wants to give us another shot! This guy is just a clown. She'll come back to me!" WELP. She's not. Or at least mine didn't. She can still "love you" (I think it's BS personally) but not want to date you or want anything to do with you. Also I wouldn't have said "nah just playing" when talking to her about another girl. The fact that you're with someone else or looking for someone else makes you more desirable to her, not less. Either way, it doesn't matter now. If you want to move on (without her) go NC and don't check up on her. Otherwise you'll be stuck helping her relieve her guilt and once she's done with you she'll throw you away again. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 (edited) When someone walks out the door, I am not giving them a second chance again. I did it once, and it wasn't just breadcrumbs - it got to the point where we got back together; but it still turned out to be all games, because he wanted to take revenge for what I had told him after he broke up with me the first time around, and because he wanted to use me for sex for a little while more, while he was still being sent to my country for work. When someone unilaterally decides to end it, who am I to stop him? I'll tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out. Better yet, I'll hold the door wide open for him to leave, and tell him: your loss! Once someone makes a choice, they will have to face the consequences of that choice. They will have to face the consequences of breaking my heart. I am not some doormat they can play with and throw around at their whim (though I acted like one by giving my ex a second chance). He is an adult, and he has made a decision -- adults are supposed to think maturely about their courses of action, rather than act impulsively. And they should know that there are consequences to every course of action. To expect otherwise is to have an attitude of entitlement. I am not about to cater to anyone's narcissistic, entitled personality. If he wasn't sure about his decision, he shouldn't have dumped me. He can't keep dumping me then asking for me back. No, that's not the way I roll, and if that's the way he rolls, too bad (for him). I am not going to take the fall for his impulsiveness, nor am I going to let anyone blackmail me into emotional submission, by the possibility/threat of an ever-looming break-up. F*ck that. I don't need that sort of anxiety in my life, and I deserve much, much better than that. So yeah, NO CONTACT is the same as giving up. Because, why should I not give up on someone who has decided I am not good enough for him???? In fact, if anything, I should've known better and gotten rid of him before he got rid of ME. Turns out I didn't know him well enough, or wanted to fool myself that it was just a stage, but now I know him well enough, and I would never use "no contact" in the hopes of getting him back. If he came back begging and crying, even to the point of wanting to kill himself over it, I would still not give him a second chance. I would just give him back his own one-liner, which he always threw at me every time I said or did something that was not to his liking: "Looks like we're finished." I am fed up with the jerk ex in my life, and if I have an ounce of self-respect left in my body, I would not take him back, OR talk to him or give him the satisfaction of a response to his texts (which he has not sent yet).. I am not his shrink, and I am not there to alleviate his guilt over the ****ty way he treated me (though I doubt he even has it in him to feel guilty for the way he treated me and discarded me).. F*ck that. No more jerks in my life. One was enough to emotionally drain me. Edited January 7, 2013 by NoMoreJerks 8
Author ActionJ623 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 I'm really sorry about your current situation NoMoreJerks as I can relate to the stress and junk of all this. Also I would like to shout out you na49 for your responses, they give me perfect encouragement because your situation is alike to mine in many ways. Thanks to everybody, and its almost the 2week mark of NC! I'm more excited than new years lol, and it is getting better. I will continue updating and probably venting more lol I also have a bad habit of her showing up in my dreams, and she appeared last night and as soon as I woke up a rush of emotions came....it's a bummer for sure though.
NoMoreJerks Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I'm really sorry about your current situation NoMoreJerks as I can relate to the stress and junk of all this. Also I would like to shout out you na49 for your responses, they give me perfect encouragement because your situation is alike to mine in many ways. Thanks to everybody, and its almost the 2week mark of NC! I'm more excited than new years lol, and it is getting better. I will continue updating and probably venting more lol I also have a bad habit of her showing up in my dreams, and she appeared last night and as soon as I woke up a rush of emotions came....it's a bummer for sure though. I'm at day 18 of NC, and going strong! Keep it up! 1
ScienceGal Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I am only on day 2 NC. I am doing it for my own sanity. I don't need those punch to the gut feelings or any extra crying episodes caused by seeing something connected to him. We all do what we have to do, but I believe NC should be used in most breakup situations. For now, I still maintain hope he will come back. But, it doesn't mean I am waiting around. I am making the right choices for me, and I know in time that hope will dwindle and I will move on. 1
Author ActionJ623 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 Venting moment! Today I went into more of a "What if I did something differently" kinda mood, then I realized I should just leave the past in the past and not worry about what could/should of been. It's over. And that's the hardest part for me is coming back to reality because of this false hope I built up. "Me and her are different." "She'll miss me once I just leave for a little while." "Maybe I can use getting my stuff as an excuse to see her...once she sees me it'll be like old times and i can swoop her off her feet!" These are all of the false hope thoughts that have been going through my head, and at this point it just isn't worth it. I also hate losing and as na49 said it was a game I should chalk up as a lost so I said to myself "Wow she thinks she won, sees me as weak, and probably thinks I deserve the current treatment/feelings" which pisses me off and sets my mood off 100x more. And the worst part is I still have some kind of hope that she will come back...I hope NC will make these feelings change and it just all gets better. Tired of being here.
NoMoreJerks Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Action, That's normal. I am for the most part over my ex and know he is not coming back, but I still have moments where I try to tell myself that if I keep up with NC a bit longer, he will realize what he has lost, will miss me, and will contact me. It's not going to happen. If he contacts me, it will be on his own terms, it will be because he wants to alleviate his guilt, or because he realized he still had some use for me (if he was being sent to my country again for a job).. I have accepted this and am moving on, slowly but surely. It's like a rollercoaster, lots of ups and downs, but deep down, you know that your ex is gone, and you should start telling yourself that, even if she comes back, you will not take her back. Because you really shouldn't. I did once, and it was the biggest mistake of my life.
alexnguyen Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Do NC for yourself, not in hopes of your ex coming back or for your ex to heal. Do it for yourself. The NC will make you a stronger individual and nonetheless a better person. It's going to be rough in the early patches, but like always time will take its toll on everything.
Author ActionJ623 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Official two week mark of NC!! Today marks the longest I have ever gone without contact with her since...well almost in the entire last eight months! I was really proud of myself and gave myself a pat on the back lol. Even though I feel I will be able to handle it, I miss her sooooo much! Sometimes I wake up after a nap and things are back to normal and there is no heartbreak then it hits me like a tidal wave and I want to say sorry for the way things turned out between us....but I have already said what needs to be said....still doing better though with each day and I'm not angry at her like I thought I would be for the games/ other guy drama...I wish her the best and want to Move on already!!! Other girls have announced they have feelings for me lately but i've told them no dates right now as I feel it would be unfair to them since I still have feelings for the ex and all...plus just digging a deeper hole for myself in a way. But yeah thought the two week mark was, in my lame words, balling! And I will continue to post and updates on this suckish breakup/the NC life. Shoutouts to all that have responded or kept up with my story along with Na49 and NoMoreJerks we'll get through this eventually.
OJ loved Nicole Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 NC is not giving up, it's a reaction to someone who's already given up ON YOU!! You can't give up on something that isn't there. Your only option is to take the power into your own hands and start re-living life for YOURSELF. NC used in any other way (getting your ex back, making them jealous, etc.) is a gimmick that will not work. All it'll do is put you in limbo for months/years, essentially wasting your life away passing on opportunities. NC used with progression (improving yourself, dating, jumping on opportunities) can/will do wonders. 2
Author ActionJ623 Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 Day 22 NC Update! Well i'm not gonna lie I would love to come back and tell you all I am over my ex but alas im afraid I cant say that. BUT I have seen a dramatic improvement that should be encouraging. Im starting to think of her less and less, ever since I deleted her from fb and got the will power (not easy for us dumpees) to block all of her social media things have gotten a ton better, and im actually starting to not come here anymore (but i love everyone here...they all seem so supportive ) . Im starting to notice other girls as well which is like coolio julio since i always compare the ex to others and junk. But im afraid the ex still has power over me in a way...she still pops into my mind at random more serious times and makes me sad but like i tell myself i have no control over the situation ... which sucks. Yes I miss her but NC is getting easier. I will continue updates but im kinda starting to stop counting days ss it gets easier and easier but we all have what I call "Im such a NC beast i might just -wait my ex used to call me a beast maybe i should ttext her up at this funny happening and see what's up! " days which LS always helps me vent it out. Once again thanks everybody that replied to my threads and is right next to me in these brokenhearted times.
NoMoreJerks Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Day 22 NC Update! Well i'm not gonna lie I would love to come back and tell you all I am over my ex but alas im afraid I cant say that. BUT I have seen a dramatic improvement that should be encouraging. Im starting to think of her less and less, ever since I deleted her from fb and got the will power (not easy for us dumpees) to block all of her social media things have gotten a ton better, and im actually starting to not come here anymore (but i love everyone here...they all seem so supportive ) . Im starting to notice other girls as well which is like coolio julio since i always compare the ex to others and junk. But im afraid the ex still has power over me in a way...she still pops into my mind at random more serious times and makes me sad but like i tell myself i have no control over the situation ... which sucks. Yes I miss her but NC is getting easier. Yup, I experienced the same things -- well, minus noticing other guys. I just didn't feel like doing the whole comparison thing, and felt it would make me feel worse. Which is why I avoided (except once last week) going to the pub that I usually go to. I was at day 23 of NC, when I got a breadcrumb text from my ex. Before getting that text, I was doing so well, stopped thinking about him too much. Stopped looking at his pics, and the only picture of us together. Stopped reading his break-up texts (which I was reading 20+ times a day the first week after the break-up). Stopped hoping he'd contact me. I was moving on. Sure, he was popping into my head every now and then, a few times a day, but it only lasted for a few seconds each time, and it didn't really bother me all that much. Now? After that text? I keep thinking about him all the time again. It's a big setback for me. I don't want him back, but I feel bad for not responding. He still has an emotional hold over me, and I need to break that chain. Hopefully, by not responding, I will manage to do that. I just hope and pray that he does not contact me again: worse, that he does not call me and leave a voice mssg.
Author ActionJ623 Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 Yup, I experienced the same things -- well, minus noticing other guys. I just didn't feel like doing the whole comparison thing, and felt it would make me feel worse. Which is why I avoided (except once last week) going to the pub that I usually go to. I was at day 23 of NC, when I got a breadcrumb text from my ex. Before getting that text, I was doing so well, stopped thinking about him too much. Stopped looking at his pics, and the only picture of us together. Stopped reading his break-up texts (which I was reading 20+ times a day the first week after the break-up). Stopped hoping he'd contact me. I was moving on. Sure, he was popping into my head every now and then, a few times a day, but it only lasted for a few seconds each time, and it didn't really bother me all that much. Now? After that text? I keep thinking about him all the time again. It's a big setback for me. I don't want him back, but I feel bad for not responding. He still has an emotional hold over me, and I need to break that chain. Hopefully, by not responding, I will manage to do that. I just hope and pray that he does not contact me again: worse, that he does not call me and leave a voice mssg. I'm so sorry! That really sucks, and i'm afraid I will get one of those as well and can't resist. Like they didn't do enough damage already they want to keep playing games with us. Ugh like just go home ex lol! I'm here with you on this long road of NC, and it's not very fun but then again I suppose nothing during a breakup is suppose to be. Just hang in there and put those crumbs in the trash! Unless he is begging and pleading I would only then Consider replying. Which after showing him you mean business and are moving on I suppose he will beg just for you to say "Hello" to him. But that might give him satisfaction. 1
dumPI Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I can see NC as giving up on the current relationship at a certain time frame. I don't see it as giving up on the ex. Of course, there is nothing I can do to change that but I know my ex, I have the feeling we could do great together. I always had and that's why I never broke with her. She didn't have that feeling and that's why she broke up. There is no one who can know what will happen in the future but there is no other choice than moving on and getting one self back. That's the only choice left for us, dumpees. Were she to comeback, then my "problems" would be trusting her, falling in love with her (or not), etc. But I think I'd still have the feeling that we could do great together (had she fixed her GIGS issues)
Author ActionJ623 Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 I can see NC as giving up on the current relationship at a certain time frame. I don't see it as giving up on the ex. Of course, there is nothing I can do to change that but I know my ex, I have the feeling we could do great together. I always had and that's why I never broke with her. She didn't have that feeling and that's why she broke up. There is no one who can know what will happen in the future but there is no other choice than moving on and getting one self back. That's the only choice left for us, dumpees. Were she to comeback, then my "problems" would be trusting her, falling in love with her (or not), etc. But I think I'd still have the feeling that we could do great together (had she fixed her GIGS issues) I agree in a way, for me NC (as somebody said before) giving up on the current relationship (which was her telling me she loved me, but yet saying she was falling for other guys...breadcrumbs at the most but oh well) but not giving up on the ex. I still love my ex to death, and I admit I probably will for a long time but it's outta my hands. It's hard man, but the last thing I remember seeing from her on a social media site was, "I am in love with a guy 10 years older than me, but I can't have him yet :(" along with the frequent "Oh I wish somebody actually cared!" that really laid it in so BOOM I went NC. I don't think me deleting her on these social sites was too harsh of me. At this point things are getting better, but I wont forget this relationship I think...not because of my ex but more of the lessons I learned from it I will give it another two months and if things aren't looking up...well lets just say they will for the sake of being positive.
Author ActionJ623 Posted January 19, 2013 Author Posted January 19, 2013 Venting Moment It's been a horrible night...for those of you who know as time goes on I like to refer to myself as a "NC beast" to encourage myself. Well the NC beast meter is about a 5 out of 1000000000. It hasn't even been a month...how I thought I would be over this in a month I have no idea but it seems its gonna be awhile Tonight has a different feeling from just a regular "urge" to talk...I feel worse than that. I miss her, and that is the simple truth. If someone offered me a million dollars right now I would deny it for her to call or email right now. The reason i'm down is obviously because I miss her, I miss the talks, the things we did together, and how we loved absolutely the same things. I found myself tonight with a friend simply relaxing playing a video game (video games actually help a lot ) and all of a sudden the memory of the ex wanted me to teach her how to play a game and how we sat there aaalll night one time hit me 100x over and over again. Result = Immediate depression. I don't know what has me down more...the fact I miss her or the realization I know I won't contact her, I CANT contact her because the last thing we really said between each other was that I loved her still and if she needed me I was there.."Thank you..." was all she had to say. The fact that I can feel myself transitioning to a point where you actually start to let go and think less and less about her actually terrifies me...because if I know what its like to not think about her all the time then I know how she feels....uncaring and indifferent and that's the most depressing thing ever to me to know that at one time I was her everything...now i'm a annoying obstacle to get past in order to be happy with her new guy that is 10 years older and will probably hurt her. Reality sucks. No matter the sadness I will remain NC for myself, and maybe i'll do it because this new guy actually makes her feel better than I ever did at the moment...and if she's happy then I should find some kinda peace in that and let her go be happy. Maybe NC will help BOTH of us in a good way realize that it just wasn't meant to be and grow from it. Writing these words kinda hurt in the reality perspective. I hope this new guy does make her happy and feel "complete". Maybe if a put my night owl self to sleep I would feel better, but I haven't been sleeping good either.
Author ActionJ623 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Update! Well it's been awhile since i've posted here, and I refrained from starting a WHOLE new thread just for an update on the situation but NC has been maintained. That's the good news. The bad news? Well there isn't any really. If you were expecting me to break like many during these first weeks I didn't and maybe it's just because I blocked her left and right lol. A little recap on the hardest parts for anybody attempting NC as to not make my mistakes and days I think will be tough. During Xmas she sent me a text and a friend told me she sent it and was thinking I was angry at her (which is interesting she thought that me not responding was a biggie and the fact my phone automatically blocks her text made me laugh...but at the same time wonder if she ever sent me anymore text ) and I replied the next day with a friendly merry christmas because I didn't want to go all out douche. That was the last time we talked, and it was kinda not cool because the last thing I told her "well talk to you later sometime." And after that boom....I had my friends get my stuff and I went NC. The HARDEST part was seeing her fb statuses and pics...when I tell you to block the ex...I MEAN BLOCK THE EX. Of course we know valentines day is coming up so hang in there for that day, as well as birthdays. If you have been keeping up with my NC days I lost count... I counted for fun and its about 35 or 36 days and things are going swell...as far as the ex entering my mind and old memories its gone from every 10 seconds to every 1 or 2 hours so yay but still on the road to recovery.
FailedFirstLove Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Oh valentines day will be the day he stabs me in the heart! even going to the shops now kills me. Damn happy couples, why be so happy for? Glad your coping well!
Author ActionJ623 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Oh valentines day will be the day he stabs me in the heart! even going to the shops now kills me. Damn happy couples, why be so happy for? Glad your coping well! Yeah I can see valentines day being the day loveshack gains 3,000+ members (not literally but you never know ) And indeed i'm coping well, but I still have what I call flash hope mobs where I get a text and I really hope it's her and its a friend....the ex still caused pain but hopefully it will continue to go down. and may I ask how you are doing yourself?
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