KungFuJoe Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I think it's the same thing because playing hard to get is just a tactic to see how interested the guy really is. Now you could sat mine don't count because I'm harder to read, but the women in question still used the tactic to try and find out. I think your situation doesn't count and your VERY high rate of this happening is most likely due to you being hard to read. I wonder how many of those girls also went away thinking, "Why is this guy playing hard to get?" It only "counts" if one person is very obvious with their intentions, the other person WANTS to comply, but purposely does not in order to present a "challenge".
Necris Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 For you friend, I think you picked too expensive of dates for women that only express aloof interest in you. What I mean by that is they say yes to a date, but give the run around, cancel, change times, etc. Basically, show that you're an inconvenience. When those shenanigans transpire, take whatever awesome idea for a date you had in your head and reduce it to a coffee date. Don't take her to see a full matinee. My guess is that she wasn't feeling you, but was thinking she could get a free movie and meal. A girl that was into you wouldn't have picked a movie for a first date. You can't talk. Instead, you could have found out you didn't like her over a $2 cup of joe in about 30 minutes and had those 3 hours of your life back. Go for a nerdy girl that is into computers and tech stuff. There's tons out there. I think iJustine is someone for you You do have a point, cheap, simple dates are probably better instead of wasting hours at a movie or wasting money at an expensive restaurant, if I'm going to get rejected I'd rather not feel the pain of also wasting money and time. You seem to be talking about my most recent date, yeah, I think she just wanted a free movie, when I asked her out she already knew what movie she wanted to see, and then after the movie she does the fade, I call her to see what's up she finally answers and says she's not interested in dating, though I was disappointed and felt like I was wasting money and especially time (that was a long date) on a girl that I honestly wasn't all that attracted to in the beginning. As for going for nerdy girls, if only they weren't so rare and always taken.
xxoo Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I think it's the same thing because playing hard to get is just a tactic to see how interested the guy really is. Now you could sat mine don't count because I'm harder to read, but the women in question still used the tactic to try and find out. If I was interested in a guy, but he didn't seem interested in me, I'd probably distance myself, too, because what good can come of it? One of two things will happen: he'll realize he misses me, and return with clearer interest (and I might hope that happens) or he won't miss me, because he wasn't that into me. Bullet dodged.
TheFinalWord Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 You do have a point, cheap, simple dates are probably better instead of wasting hours at a movie or wasting money at an expensive restaurant, if I'm going to get rejected I'd rather not feel the pain of also wasting money and time. You seem to be talking about my most recent date, yeah, I think she just wanted a free movie, when I asked her out she already knew what movie she wanted to see, and then after the movie she does the fade, I call her to see what's up she finally answers and says she's not interested in dating, though I was disappointed and felt like I was wasting money and especially time (that was a long date) on a girl that I honestly wasn't all that attracted to in the beginning. As for going for nerdy girls, if only they weren't so rare and always taken. Yeah, that is what I was referencing. One big thing I liked in your post is that you weren't attracted to her and you are okay with that. One thing about increasing your confidence is to have a standard. You don't have to give all the power to the other person; you can make a choice if you like her too. It's kind of like a job interview. Yes, I'm applying for a job, but I'm interviewing them too. I know I have skills that will increase their bottom line and that I will work hard. I know what I have to offer. If I don't like what I see during the interview (the questions they ask, or the vibe I get from someone that is a potential boss) I won't take the job even if they offer it to me. It's a good mentality to have to prevent desperation. Same w/ women, if a woman is giving you the run around and playing head games, don't go into it headfirst (if at all). Respect is earned, not given b/c a girl is physically attractive. People can tell when we brown nose; girls too and when they sense it, the egotistical ones will play it to their advantage. Now you don't have to be mean or hate women like a lot of bitter posters, just know that you have good things to offer and you have as much a right to not be into her as she has not to be into you With initial dates, it's okay to do something fancier, but only with a girl that doesn't play games. In this case the girl kept giving you excuses so there is no good reason to invest so heavily in a date with her. Not only cost of date, but more importantly time. I'm glad you gave her the benefit of the doubt and went out with her (normally I would not recommend continuously asking a girl out when she gives you the run around, but hey, you got some dating experience; when I am looking for a new job sometimes I will go to interview knowing I don't want the job just for practice and to learn), but after the shady signals she put out it would have been a coffee date on my dime at best. To me initial dates are like an interview. Have fun, but at the same time keep a guard up. Don't put all aces on the table, and don't show desperation. Aw, heck. Kenny G put it better than me
Lonely Ronin Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 If I was interested in a guy, but he didn't seem interested in me, I'd probably distance myself, too, because what good can come of it? One of two things will happen: he'll realize he misses me, and return with clearer interest (and I might hope that happens) or he won't miss me, because he wasn't that into me. Bullet dodged. lol, how is breaking up with someone to see how interested they are, anything like distancing your self. Breaking up with someone as a test is idiotic as far as I'm concerned.
xxoo Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 lol, how is breaking up with someone to see how interested they are, anything like distancing your self. Breaking up with someone as a test is idiotic as far as I'm concerned. It's not a "test". I despise that word, because it makes it sound conniving. We don't want to be with someone who isn't into us. Sometimes, we humans take things for granted until they are gone. Sometimes we pull away when we don't think we are appreciated (good move), and what happens is the other person realizes what they lost. Sometimes not. Either way, if you (man or woman) don't think the person you are dating is really into you, distance is a good move. What happens after that is for the best, either way.
Lonely Ronin Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 (edited) It's not a "test". I despise that word, because it makes it sound conniving. We don't want to be with someone who isn't into us. Sometimes, we humans take things for granted until they are gone. Sometimes we pull away when we don't think we are appreciated (good move), and what happens is the other person realizes what they lost. Sometimes not. Either way, if you (man or woman) don't think the person you are dating is really into you, distance is a good move. What happens after that is for the best, either way. Did you read this? I've had exactly this happen. Been dating someone and then given the cold shoulder or strait up dumped. When dumped i'm like, OK it's your decision have a good life. I've run into said women weeks months or even a year or more later, and had said women express that they had hoped I would chase them down, and not taken no for an answer. How is dumping someone (but not really wanting to), and then hoping they chase after you, anything other than a test or the actions of a person who is afraid? If you're unsure of someone's interest, then freaking say something to them. The thing is I think I'm hard to read, and very even keeled. The women I usually date are so used to men following all over them, that I they think me acting normal meant I wasn't interested. Edited January 7, 2013 by Lonely Ronin
xxoo Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 If you're unsure of someone's interest, then freaking say something to them. I agree with that! And yes, fear is a major obstacle for both men and women in relationships. If this happens to you repeatedly, do you ever think about changing how you express interest?
carhill Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I'm pretty sure an 'invisible man' will never register as an extant life form for any sort of 'test' being conducted so it's unclear where the thread is going in that regard. Those issues sound more like ones for people who indeed are registering as visible and getting some sort of interaction socially and it not working out. The challenge for the invisible man is being recognized as a life form, first, and one with potential value, second. Anyone who's experienced it will know exactly what I'm talking about. Deal with it long enough and it changes one's psychology, IMO.
Author d'Argennes Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Does anyone even do this anymore? Ladies, please chime in. Have ANY of you ever turned down or played hard to get with a guy you were REALLY into? Anymore? Why would this stop happening?
GoodOnPaper Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I wonder if guys who fear rejection by the woman they really want go for the women they don't really want. I don't know if that's black-and-white, but for me it was easy to let things become about trying to find glimmers of interest in me -- I figured I could work out my interest level later.
Lonely Ronin Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 If this happens to you repeatedly, do you ever think about changing how you express interest? I have, over time. 1. "I can't wait to see you" or one of the many slight variations 2. "I miss you" 3. I remember to do small stuff that shows I'm paying attention 4. I compliment them when they look nice etc 5. I express appreciation when they do stuff for me. I mean short of saying the 3 words, I'm not exactly sure what more I could do. I mean I think the longest I Have known any of the women that have done this was like 4 months max. Even with the woman I was engaged to, I didn't feel ready to say the 3 words until I knew her really well, and that took almost a year. I think part of it is me, and part of it is the women I'm dating. Most of them are used to guys tripping over themselves to lock them down because they are attractive. Since I'm not that way, I don't think they really know how to handle it.
Negative Nancy Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Yes, absolutely. I have a masters and I would date a hairdresser. Thought of hitting on one just the other day. Quality of character is more important to me than a person's 'wares'. LOL yeah right. Let's not pretend it was about her "character" when she probably was very good-looking, good figure etc. Men clearly go after looks and value looks more than character.
ThaWholigan Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 So expand it. Take a class, join a club...make more friends. There is a big difference between making an effort to impress a women you are sincerely interested in and putting her on a pedestal. You're interested. Really interested. So you boldly make your move, and risk rejection. I wonder if guys who fear rejection by the woman they really want go for the women they don't really want. Of course that doesn't work, because you don't really want her. She can tell. No risk, no reward! Deaf ears, xxoo, deaf ears. I think they have stifled themselves subconsciously so far into that suit, that they cannot take it off. Shame really.
Necris Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 So expand it. Take a class, join a club...make more friends. There is a big difference between making an effort to impress a women you are sincerely interested in and putting her on a pedestal. You're interested. Really interested. So you boldly make your move, and risk rejection. I wonder if guys who fear rejection by the woman they really want go for the women they don't really want. Of course that doesn't work, because you don't really want her. She can tell. No risk, no reward! Making friends can be very difficult especially for people who aren't outgoing, socially awkward, shy, and may have interests that are more solo orientated, not too common, and enjoyed by a mostly male population, and it takes a long period of time to start networking and getting those connections going, and the bigger the network more time has to be devoted to maintaining this network, plus after the effort you put in to expand your social circle it's still highly likely you still won't find someone interested in you. Now with that said I do agree expanding your social circle can be beneficial in the long run if you can make some good friends out of it, and it may increase your dating success chances as most people meet their SOs through friends. As for going after girls you aren't attracted to, I agree it doesn't really help, and you are still just as likely to be rejected by the unattractive girl as the attractive girl.
TheZebra Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Making friends can be very difficult especially for people who aren't outgoing, socially awkward, shy, and may have interests that are more solo orientated, not too common, and enjoyed by a mostly male population, and it takes a long period of time to start networking and getting those connections going, and the bigger the network more time has to be devoted to maintaining this network, plus after the effort you put in to expand your social circle it's still highly likely you still won't find someone interested in you. Now with that said I do agree expanding your social circle can be beneficial in the long run if you can make some good friends out of it, and it may increase your dating success chances as most people meet their SOs through friends. As for going after girls you aren't attracted to, I agree it doesn't really help, and you are still just as likely to be rejected by the unattractive girl as the attractive girl. Life is unfair. Some people LOVE math. They thrive in finance, engineering and accounting. All high paying fields, and little effort for them. Some people LOVE networking and other people. They thrive in social situations. They are typically the ones who become politicians and CEOs. I could go on and on forever. Some people love basketball and are tall enough to be good at it. But not everyone is as lucky. So you have two choices. You either give up on getting what you want or you keep trying to achieve what you can. I'm not the most social person in the world, but I want to be CEO of a big company. There's a lot of work ahead of me - work that frightens me even. But I'll try. Even if I don't have a lot of innate characteristics that others are born with that make them perfect for it. By God, I will try. You want to meet girls? They don't fall out of the sky. Do things that have you meeting girls. It doesn't have to be a club/bar scene either. But if all you do is complain that your situation isn't like everyone else's then you're just going to stay in a rut and become bitter. Life isn't fair. Take what lemons you've been given and make the best darn lemonade you can with it. But don't sit here and tell me about how terrible your lemons are.
Necris Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Life is unfair. Some people LOVE math. They thrive in finance, engineering and accounting. All high paying fields, and little effort for them. Some people LOVE networking and other people. They thrive in social situations. They are typically the ones who become politicians and CEOs. I could go on and on forever. Some people love basketball and are tall enough to be good at it. But not everyone is as lucky. So you have two choices. You either give up on getting what you want or you keep trying to achieve what you can. I'm not the most social person in the world, but I want to be CEO of a big company. There's a lot of work ahead of me - work that frightens me even. But I'll try. Even if I don't have a lot of innate characteristics that others are born with that make them perfect for it. By God, I will try. You want to meet girls? They don't fall out of the sky. Do things that have you meeting girls. It doesn't have to be a club/bar scene either. But if all you do is complain that your situation isn't like everyone else's then you're just going to stay in a rut and become bitter. Life isn't fair. Take what lemons you've been given and make the best darn lemonade you can with it. But don't sit here and tell me about how terrible your lemons are. I'm just saying it is difficult to make friends, and expand your social circle especially for a guy like myself who is not very social, and its not something you can really force, its just something that kind of happens. I have never in my life been the popular guy with hundreds of friends, I'm usually either alone or with a small group of friends, though I have gotten better at networking, but I find that as I get older networking becomes more difficult as people become more involved with themselves. So naturally finding available women interested in me in my social circle is a major challenge.
JuneJulySeptember Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Making friends can be very difficult especially for people who aren't outgoing, socially awkward, shy, and may have interests that are more solo orientated, not too common, and enjoyed by a mostly male population, and it takes a long period of time to start networking and getting those connections going, and the bigger the network more time has to be devoted to maintaining this network, plus after the effort you put in to expand your social circle it's still highly likely you still won't find someone interested in you. Now with that said I do agree expanding your social circle can be beneficial in the long run if you can make some good friends out of it, and it may increase your dating success chances as most people meet their SOs through friends. As for going after girls you aren't attracted to, I agree it doesn't really help, and you are still just as likely to be rejected by the unattractive girl as the attractive girl. Shy, awkward guys are at the bottom of the food chain, and will get punished and beat up and continue to fail as long as they are that way. So, make a concerted effort to change. Don't say you're shy. Women can do that. You can't. Go out and socialize. And don't ever say you're shy again. I don't think I've called myself shy since I was 22. You're a tall (or at least not short) good looking guy. So you have that going for you. Take advantage of it.
TheBigQuestion Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 LOL yeah right. Let's not pretend it was about her "character" when she probably was very good-looking, good figure etc. Men clearly go after looks and value looks more than character. I didn't realize it was a crime against humanity for a man to be attracted to *gasp* an attractive woman.
MrCastle Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I didn't realize it was a crime against humanity for a man to be attracted to *gasp* an attractive woman. It is on this site.
xxoo Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I'm just saying it is difficult to make friends, and expand your social circle especially for a guy like myself who is not very social, and its not something you can really force, its just something that kind of happens. I have never in my life been the popular guy with hundreds of friends, I'm usually either alone or with a small group of friends, though I have gotten better at networking, but I find that as I get older networking becomes more difficult as people become more involved with themselves. So naturally finding available women interested in me in my social circle is a major challenge. I get that. But that's why you struggle with dating. It's not because women aren't interested in average guys.
lino Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I think the OP is just a very long and over complicated way of saying nice guys aren't attractive... Everyone knows this! I didn't realize it was a crime against humanity for a man to be attracted to *gasp* an attractive woman. Any man attracted to a sexy woman should serve 20 years minimum IMO.
sillyanswer Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 When you combine the female tendency of hypergamy, the high status male, the fact that women barely approach, and the feeling of disenfranchisement, you get the invisible man. This is what males all across the globe are feeling and have been feeling since being a boy on the playground. Try wearing bandages and people will notice you... I think I read it in a book once. (Seriously... nice rant, but now that you know the problem what are you going to do about the bits that you can change?)
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