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Posted

So this is prettying what she has said.

 

 

I knew today was not going to be an easy day. I am sorry you had to see that on FB I would have much rather been able to tell you in person and we could have talked about it. I know where you stand, and you say your not giving me an ultimatum, but sort of you are, cause I know you can not stay and hang around while I am off doing my thing in another country and maybe during that time something clicks and I decide that I want to stay and work through things with him, that is not ok for me to expect for you to stay

Sorry its really hard for me to talk here at my desk with everyone around, it is also very hard to not cry or get upset when I am talking about this with you.

 

I really had no idea he was going to do that, and he took a big chance by booking it without knowing if I would even be able to get the time off or accept the trip. Which I have not confirmed either yet. I feell ike this is his way of saying lets go away just relax and see how we feel just take time out. I have to be honest and say that you are right about my being conflicted, but the stuff I was telling you was how I was feeling and I did not make any of those feelings for you up. This trip is sort of forceing me to make a choice I was not yet prepared to make.

I think at times I should leave and at other times I do not feel that is the way either.

 

I think I am so torn about the decision because there are still a lot of feelings and history between he and I and I am just really uncertain that I have given him a fair chance to actually make a change, I told you he was trying and he has been and done a lot of things I did not really expect him to do, that in the past he would never have done. I have been very unopen to those things and part of that is because I have been more focused on you and I than he and I.

I have struggled a lot with councleing and what I get told there too, I guess again I have been pretty resistant/unopen to listen to some of the things I have been advised to do, obviously when I first started going my intent was to try to work things out between he and I and that did change somewhat over time to more of a try to work on me, than work on us kind of thing, I have gained a lot of knowledge about myself and the things I want out of life and I do want to be happy and know I deserve that. I also know that I have not always been unhappy in my marriage, I think the majoity of times I have been relativly happy. There obviously was a time that things were quiet bad and it almost ended, but we made it through that and for the most part things have been good until last year, I was feeling unhappy with the way things were, and then I found you right around that same time and you make me happy and smile and I love your personality and your communication and that pushed me a little farther from him. I know some of this really sucks but I am being honest with you about what has been going on in my head. I do lean toward you heavily, then something that I have been told in councling clicks and makes sense and I end up rethinking things and pulling back and thinking maybe I am not doing the right thing, I think had I not started seeing you, I would have gone to counciling and I probably would have been more open to her suggestions and Ideas toward my marriage, but again I have placed my focus more on you and I than my marriage, and I do not regret that I do love you and care about you.

 

I am going to take a huge breath here and just say that I am not ready to leave yet, and I know that you can not wait for me to be ready, I had no intention of hurting you or having things come to a head like this. Its pretty scary to know just how much I love/care about you and yet I still can not close this chapter of my life. It was the truth when I said I can see a future for us, but I think that now is not the right time, and again I know you can not wait for me to be ready and you may not be available when I am ready. This sucks so much, I feel like I am probably making a mistake in saying this, but I guess if it is a mistake its one I have to make and figure it out for myself, I may very well end up regretting it for the rest of my life. I guess then you can say I told you so, you deserve to be happy too and I don't think this makes you happy, I do think under different circumstances we could be happy together, I have almost no doubt at all we could, I guess my doubt right now is that my marriage may not be over yet and I am not ready to let it go.

 

I hate this so much, I wrote a book here, you can write me back if you want or we can still try to go to the park or something later, but you may not want to I guess either way let me know. I know I deserve any anger or hate you send my way right now.

Posted

As painful as it is for you, she has made her decision.

 

Please end the A. She cannot work on her marriage with you in the picture. She owes her husband her full attention..He is trying and she sees the effort he's put in. She does love him but with you in the picture, it confuses her even more. Though she isn't leaving..

 

Though, with that said, he doesn't know about the A. I wonder if she's confessed her A to her counselor?

Posted

While she told you how she feels, she has also told you where you stand. You don't stand a chance against her and her H's history together and she will turn on you as this goes on because of where her true loyalty lies. Especially if she truly is honestly conflicted in her feelings, but not so conflicted to know that she isn't going to leave her marriage and you aren't gonna be around anymore.

Posted

Wow! The only credit I can give her is that, as a woman, she does put more order in her thoughts and expresses herself better than a MM.

 

Reading her letter to you, I could see the bits and pieces of what exMM wrote or said to me one time or another. Almost all of it.

 

The nerve she has to explain to you how she's been so happily married on average, and how her hubby has been trying so hard and she just has to work on it. You understand, right? How could you not understand?

 

So much bull****. They never commit to the M before stumping on another person, it's only after they trash a soul that they realize how effing amazing their M was.

 

If you can, drop off the face of the earth. Run for your life and that means cutting her off. For good. Do not stay an option. Let her go to Mexico knowing that you are not there anymore.

Posted
I suspect that if there is a d-day you could be thrown under the bus and she would dedicate herself to the marriage with a lot of force. Unless, her H divorces her for the infidelity.

 

....and she will turn on you as this goes on because of where her true loyalty lies

 

Concentrate on these two quotes because it's going to happen. Right now you have a woman who acknowledges feelings for you and is wistful about the fact you can't be together. When she really starts working on the marriage, you are going to have a woman who can't stand the thought of you and spends her time with her H denigrating you and your very existence. You don't want that, but you'll get it if things keep going the way they have.

  • Author
Posted

Thank you again for everyone's posts. I really appreciate it. Reading that email was hard for sure. I did see her at lunch which I guess although was painful has hopefully given me some closure to it, she cried the whole time, told me how much she loved me and didn't want to lose me. Again all the right words but I know reading everyone's comments here before seeing her was helpful. I feel kinda numb right now because well it hurts but I know I can't go on wondering and thinking there may be something when there apparently is not. And I'm not going to be the well let me go and if it doesn't work out ill call you.

Posted

Just a little perspective from a divorced woman. My xH wanted to take a trip after we agreed to divorce & I refused. No person serious about divorce wants to spend alone time with their STBX in a romantic place. The thought turned my stomach.

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  • Author
Posted
Just a little perspective from a divorced woman. My xH wanted to take a trip after we agreed to divorce & I refused. No person serious about divorce wants to spend alone time with their STBX in a romantic place. The thought turned my stomach.

 

Yeah I would agree with you completely. She told me in person today she does not want to go and that usually trips do not workout well at all with them and they argue all the time. I just say there and said "oh" I mean why even tell me that?!?! Bottom line is that she is going and regardless of what happens I am done.

  • Author
Posted

Oh yeah, and the a few times she continued to try and kiss me and tell me that she still wants me but doesn't know what the right thing is too do anymore because she doesn't want to lose me. I don't get that? Basically everything in her email was explained different to me in person. Why would she say something else and then try and kiss me?!? I did not give in, I just listened and turned each time she tried to kiss me.

Posted

Dude. I know it's hard. I sat out several vacations including ones where she called me in the middle of the night from their condo to say how much she missed me and wanted me there and ones where she reported afterwards just how horrible it was. It is worth noting that she (and your she) still went.

 

I wish I had the kind of letter you got before things went south. It does speak volumes. She was crying because she does have feelings for you. That is not the point. The point is she is married, has feelings for him, and ultimately wants that marriage and him over you. That really sucks. It's hard to hear someone say how much they want you, but refuse to do what is necessary to get you.

Posted

I'm sorry you're hurting. It's easy to find yourself in a position of wanting to rescue someone you care about. Keep in mind she doesn't want rescued. She wants a temporary escape from the life she continues to choose. She doesn't care about you the way you deserve or she wouldn't put you through this. You have to care for yourself & stop enabling the pain.

  • Author
Posted
Dude. I know it's hard. I sat out several vacations including ones where she called me in the middle of the night from their condo to say how much she missed me and wanted me there and ones where she reported afterwards just how horrible it was. It is worth noting that she (and your she) still went.

 

I wish I had the kind of letter you got before things went south. It does speak volumes. She was crying because she does have feelings for you. That is not the point. The point is she is married, has feelings for him, and ultimately wants that marriage and him over you. That really sucks. It's hard to hear someone say how much they want you, but refuse to do what is necessary to get you.

 

It's very hard, to think about now but the fact is that she is going. I did say you don't have to go. You are choosing to go. It's just the way she worded it in person. That makes it hard. But I still have to put that aside and tell myself regardless of what she tells me bottom line is that she is still going. Yeah it is hard to hear how much they want you but won't do what is necessary, very good point. I'm just sitting here saying to myself she is going. And that's the bottom line. Could I continue this probably, do I want to no. I've been hurt before and I know it'll probably happen again but next time I need to listen to actions rather than just words.

  • Author
Posted
As I said. Within the affair compartment she is madly in love with you. When she talked to you in person she was in full affair mode and her words are real and very convincing. But, there is no platform of reality for the words. She also loves her husband and this creates a huge conflict.

 

You may ask: How come she can love two people at once. It is quite easy!

 

For you she feels the rush of early romance with butterflies and all the bells and whistles. For her H she feels a very strong long term more calm and less exciting love (no butterflies).

 

The issue us that the long term attachment has a stronger bond than the short term attachment (despite the difference in butterflies).

 

Please go 100% NC. Change jobs and never talk to her again. Otherwise, you will be on the hook for years.

 

 

This all makes complete sense. I think I do get it. And I did tell her I get that too. I told her basically the way I see it is that I have an hour or two here and there, he has all the time to make things right or try to. She says she doesn't know the right thing to do, she said she felt it was to be with me but wasnt sure. That's what she said to my face anyway. I have a strong group of friends and family. I'm sure I can get through it. What other choice do I have.

Posted
Oh yeah, and the a few times she continued to try and kiss me and tell me that she still wants me but doesn't know what the right thing is too do anymore because she doesn't want to lose me. I don't get that? Basically everything in her email was explained different to me in person. Why would she say something else and then try and kiss me?!? I did not give in, I just listened and turned each time she tried to kiss me.

 

Then you be the bigger and stronger person and end it completely. No more talks at work, no more kissing, touching, hugging, gazing into eyes. It'll be hard as hell because you work with her, so keep contact at an absolute minimal. Only when you have to talk to her (keep it short and non personal, work related issues, if you can) other than that, stay clear. No more coffee's or lunch breaks together either.

 

Sorry you're hurting.

  • Author
Posted

I know I need to. Fortunately we work in differant buildings altogether. The NC is going to be hard and I know this needs to be done. She just sent me an email saying that "the hardest thing is picking up the phone right now to call me. Night"

Man that's rough already...

Posted
This all makes complete sense. I think I do get it. And I did tell her I get that too. I told her basically the way I see it is that I have an hour or two here and there, he has all the time to make things right or try to. She says she doesn't know the right thing to do, she said she felt it was to be with me but wasnt sure. That's what she said to my face anyway. I have a strong group of friends and family. I'm sure I can get through it. What other choice do I have.

 

How old is this woman? Surely she must know right from wrong by now?

  • Author
Posted
How old is this woman? Surely she must know right from wrong by now?

 

She is 38 I am 35.

  • Author
Posted

. That really sucks. It's hard to hear someone say how much they want you, but refuse to do what is necessary to get you.

 

Big Al, thank you for saying this, today has been really hard but keeping this quote in mind is helping somewhat.

Posted

No problem dude. I am right there with you. Right now, I take solace mostly in the thought that her choice reflects how she truly feels about me, but that isn't easy, and I still get occasional nibbles from her that are hard to not over analyze. Think I will go over analyze them now :)

  • Author
Posted

Still hard as hell. She sends me that email, next day she tells me that she is feeling heavy hearted because her heart feels like she made the wrong choice. Back in contact and it's just more of the same ****. She loves me, she wants to be with me, blah blah blah and she is still going to mexico. Bottom line is I'm supposed to be here while she figures her **** out. And then maybe ill be good enough because option A didn't work out?!?! Worst mistake I ever made was involving myself in a married woman. The words sound great, the emotion is powerful and I gave in to it, please please please do not ever give into an affair unless you are ready for words, not actions.

I thought I was strong enough to get involved in something real by a woman who was done in her present relationship. There is always the words that keep you hanging on but never buy into words. They are just that. It's a painful deceitful road. Take it from 95% of these posts it never ends up well.

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