Tahoe996 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I'm new here and typing on my cell phone so sorry for any punctuation or misspelling. So to try and make a long story short I have been seeing a MW for about 7 months. I believe I am in love with her and I think she is in love with me but after this week I am not so sure. First let me start by saying i am single and 35 years old. she is 38 been married for 18 years. No kids involved. So I have been seeing her for this period of time and while it has had me thinking about cutting things off more so lately she has said a few more things in the past couple of months to make me feel like she really is leaning towards divorcing him and maybe trying more of a relationship with me. She said she is loves him but not in love with him, he is trying harder but she tells me it feels like it is more annoying than anything else, they do argue quite a bit but instead of working things out they just go silent and not talk for days and just sweep it under the rug. He tries to buy her love and she says she hates that. She feels like she is walking around on egg shells when she is around him. They have a massive amount of debt and I have a feeling that may be one reason she is staying. Towards me, she tells me that we can communicate around me. She is safe to cry around me. She tells me that she cannot picture me being out of her life forever and she sees a future with me, not him. She just says all the right things that make me feel like there is legitimate hope for us. We talk Monday through Friday off and on all day and send quite a few emails back and forth and we usually hangout during our lunches. This past Friday we were talking and she flat out told me "when we are together" which took me back because that was the first time she has ever used affirmative words. She said yes when we are and kissed me. It felt great and I really started giving her the benefit of the doubt. It felt great! But then later in the evening I was on Facebook and see her H post "hope your excited to go to Mexico!" "Love you!" Ugh! After feeling so great that day then seeing it that it crushed me. I never text or call her during the weekends but on Saturday morning it was eating me up worse than ever so I did text her " I saw you get to go on a trip! Have fun! About two hours later she responded with "umm that's how I found out too" and that was it. I know she knows me enough to know that I'm not sitting to well with this but I just kind of feel like she would have tried to find a way to contact me. But she hasn't. So now I have been sitting here all weekend not knowing what's going on. It's been eating me up all weekend not knowing what tomorrow will bring. I have no idea if she's going to say yeah I am going or if she is going to tell me something else. I do know that I am going to tell her that if she goes I want nothing to do with her anymore. Because that will greatly hurt and piss me off. If she does not go then what do I do? Thanks for reading, and letting me vent but I'm just feeling kinda lost as what my next steps should be.
Catplates Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Logically your next step should be to break away from her and run like blazes. I can tell you won't because you don't want to yet. YOu think you feel bad now about her going away with her husband? It will increase exponentially every day you waste thinking and pining about her. It will make you nauseous to imagine what they might be doing. Onde day it will get so bad that you will be unable to bear it anymore. THEN you might break away. YOu have no right to issue ultimatums to her. She is perfectly entitled to go away with her husband if she chooses. YOu are a dalliance for her. She might tell you anything about her husband or her debts or her feelings for you. It's up to you to choose whether you believe or not. You have no way of knowing what her husband is like and how he treats her. Surprising her with a trip and an I Love You says to me he doesn't exactly hate her. Good LUck, Cat
bigalagain Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 So now I have been sitting here all weekend not knowing what's going on. It's been eating me up all weekend not knowing what tomorrow will bring. I have no idea if she's going to say yeah I am going or if she is going to tell me something else. I do know that I am going to tell her that if she goes I want nothing to do with her anymore. Because that will greatly hurt and piss me off. If she does not go then what do I do? Having been in the same boat as you, I want you to really think about what you said above. In one year from now, do you want to be still spending weekends wondering what she is going to do or say, wondering if she is really still "with" him or wants you? I'm here to tell you that this is a real potential scenario for a year from now (or two, or three, or five). Another real potential scenario is his finding out and you suffering from the train wreck that results, including her dumping you like a hot potato because of the guilt, remorse and desire to save her marriage. She may dump you anyway for the same reasons without his finding out. Believe me, you do not want any of that to happen. I remember the first time mine called me "babe", the first time she talked about what our house together would be like, the first time she said she loved me. People will come along and tell you she is lying to you right now and never intends to leave him, that she's "future talking" to keep you hooked, whatever. I'm not going to tell you that because I don't know. I am going to tell you that this is a situation that must be changed as soon as possible. Because I have been in your shoes, I am not saying dump her. I am saying don't let it stay in limbo. She either gets a divorce and comes to you or she stays with him and you are out. Do not keep it going as is. 1
Catplates Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 having been in the same boat as you, i want you to really think about what you said above. In one year from now, do you want to be still spending weekends wondering what she is going to do or say, wondering if she is really still "with" him or wants you? I'm here to tell you that this is a real potential scenario for a year from now (or two, or three, or five). Another real potential scenario is his finding out and you suffering from the train wreck that results, including her dumping you like a hot potato because of the guilt, remorse and desire to save her marriage. She may dump you anyway for the same reasons without his finding out. Believe me, you do not want any of that to happen. I remember the first time mine called me "babe", the first time she talked about what our house together would be like, the first time she said she loved me. People will come along and tell you she is lying to you right now and never intends to leave him, that she's "future talking" to keep you hooked, whatever. I'm not going to tell you that because i don't know. I am going to tell you that this is a situation that must be changed as soon as possible. Because i have been in your shoes, i am not saying dump her. I am saying don't let it stay in limbo. She either gets a divorce and comes to you or she stays with him and you are out. Do not keep it going as is. fabulous post al!!!!
veryhappy Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Bad place to be. And when she'll be in Mexico you'll be wondering "are they having sex right now, now, now?!". It's crazy making. For the reality part of it, has she offered any timeline, plan, has she met with a lawyer? If she hasn't, you can add that to thale fact that there will be no divorce talk around the time of this surprise vacation and know that you are looking at a very long wating period, if ever. Something else to keep in mind. If her h believes their M is doing just fine( after all it looks like that), expect her to backtrack and postpone forever for reason of not knowing how to explain to him that she wants a divorce. After all, imagine his shock if he thinks he's happily married. You'll need to push for a resolution. She's happy cake eating.
Author Tahoe996 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 I completely agree with both posts. Cat I do agree that I have no right to tell her she can't go with him. I really do but what I meant was that if she chooses to go then no matter what she says to me I have to walk away. Al you are completely right in everything you said is spot on. She did tell me she was about 85% ready to be done with him. It's nice to hear but it's kind of hard to believe if she goes on this trip. I know what I should do. It's just the working myself up to do it. I guess your right she can be stuck in neutral but I do not have to be.
bigalagain Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Good point Tahoe, you don't have to be stuck. Look, I know it is hard. I know those feelings. I'm not saying (although others will) that you get mean or just dump her. I'm saying you need to settle this. Believe me, the mess you are going to be in down the road is horrible. You do not want to have to look her H in the eye one day while he tries to hold himself together over the knowledge of what his wife did to him. You also don't want this woman who feels so right to you at moment refuse to look you in the eye anymore because she blames you for the hell her life has become.
Author Tahoe996 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Cute dragon- thank you for your post, she is in counseling and she has said that she thinks she needs to leave him. According to her. Same hand she has tried walking away from me in October. She said she needed to figure out what she really wanted to do. I respected her wishes and went nc but she continued to email me saying she missed me and cared and was still always thinking about me. I tried staying away but about 10 of staying away I gave in and started seeing her again. A lot changed with her feelings after I allowed her back in my life. She just seemed more closer to me. In words and thoughts. She even went out with her friend on a Saturday evening last month. She said that they got into a fight about her going out and words were said that cannot be taken back. She then said she had a realization that she wanted to be treated the way I treat her and she felt more like she wanted to be with me. Her friend apparently could see how much I loved her as well according to her. As far as a lawyer. No, she has mentioned nothing of that yet.
Author Tahoe996 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Good point Tahoe, you don't have to be stuck. Look, I know it is hard. I know those feelings. I'm not saying (although others will) that you get mean or just dump her. I'm saying you need to settle this. Believe me, the mess you are going to be in down the road is horrible. You do not want to have to look her H in the eye one day while he tries to hold himself together over the knowledge of what his wife did to him. You also don't want this woman who feels so right to you at moment refuse to look you in the eye anymore because she blames you for the hell her life has become. I know what you are saying and you are right. I don't want to be the cause of it even though I know I already am. She sent me an email last week basically saying that if she leaves she worries if once things get settled will things become bad? Will she leave for herself or is she leaving for me. Then at the end of the email she tells me that she went outside for a walk and was saying to herself what will I lose if I leave unhappiness, hurt feelings. Then she says what will she gain? Self identity? Love? You? Those are the things that are keeping me hooked. But man it's hard to walk away when you hear those things.
bigalagain Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 But man it's hard to walk away when you hear those things. Tell me about it. Look, she is right about not knowing what she is getting if she divorces. You know it too. But here is the point for both of you, what she has now is going to lead to heartache and misery no matter how you slice it. Most around here will say she's not willing to risk the divorce because the hell you know is better than the hell you don't, and also there are more fundamental issues going on with her that caused her to do what she did with you. Fair enough, but the bottom line is still that the longer the A goes on the worse off all three of you are going to be.
RickFox Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 BigAl is right, nobody can tell you if she's truly going to leave her H for you. But I'd bet the odds are against you 100 to 1 and that she is saying what feels right to say in order to keep you on the hook. Maybe Im jaded, hell I know I am, but I see some serious pain for you when she turns her back on you after you tell her how serious you are about having a relationship with her and that she needs to make a decision. I fear you'll find out just how little she truly cares for you as opposed to what she told you. That's my opinion of what is bound to happen............
Author Tahoe996 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 (edited) Tell me about it. Look, she is right about not knowing what she is getting if she divorces. You know it too. But here is the point for both of you, what she has now is going to lead to heartache and misery no matter how you slice it. Most around here will say she's not willing to risk the divorce because the hell you know is better than the hell you don't, and also there are more fundamental issues going on with her that caused her to do what she did with you. Fair enough, but the bottom line is still that the longer the A goes on the worse off all three of you are going to be. You are completely right. The hard part about it and I should have mentioned this in my original post is that we have known each other for about 5 years, we worked in the same building together and we were friends for a long time. Leading up to this whole thing I had been broken up with my ex of 6 years. It sucked but I really focused on myself. I was pretty much morbidly obese and it was hard talking to people especially ones I found attractive. In a process of about a year I had lost about 140 pounds and got in shape. The thing about her that makes it hard for me is she always tried talking to me back then and still talked to me. That made me feel pretty good just cause it wasnt like out of no where I got in shape and there she was we were always friends before. So that is what hurts is dropping that part too. What's kind of strange as well is she has been posting insperational quotes about finding someone special on Facebook as well. Saying its of course directed at me. I don't get her doing this but doing that makes me also think she wants to be with me. Edited January 7, 2013 by Tahoe996
bigalagain Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Ok, I hate to keep saying me too, but once again - me too. I'm no expert but I will just relate what happened to me. After nearly 4 years of what you are going through I now have to face not just strained relations with that friend but absolutely zero chance of ever seeing her again. She quit the job. She told her H. She dropped me like a bad habit and under no circumstances whatsoever will I ever even get a chance at a casual conversation with her. It went down in the ugliest and most hurtful way possible and I did not even get a chance to say anything. You, on the other hand, have a chance to say a lot
Author Tahoe996 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Ok, I hate to keep saying me too, but once again - me too. I'm no expert but I will just relate what happened to me. After nearly 4 years of what you are going through I now have to face not just strained relations with that friend but absolutely zero chance of ever seeing her again. She quit the job. She told her H. She dropped me like a bad habit and under no circumstances whatsoever will I ever even get a chance at a casual conversation with her. It went down in the ugliest and most hurtful way possible and I did not even get a chance to say anything. You, on the other hand, have a chance to say a lot I can't even imagine it ending like that but wow, that would be completely awful, I put myself in that situation and that must have been unbearable. I'm sorry man! You are right, I do have a lot to say, I'm not sure how I will even approach it tomorrow. She will start with an email and an explanation I'm sure and then I guess ill know how to move forward from there. I really do not want to do this via email or over the phone with her but I may have to which sucks!
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 But the thing is, you know she's married and continuing to live life with her husband. Only believe half of what she tells you.. Remember, many cheaters will over exaggerate and bend truths, omit truths and lie to suit them in the best possible light in the eyes of the affair partner. She just spent Christmas with her husband and their extended family. They spent New Years together.. Not saying this to hurt you but if you plan on staying the OM in this affair, accept your role, be happy with the time you do get to spend with her and when you're not with her, focus on YOU and YOUR life. Friends, family, hobbies. don't put her first! She certainly isn't putting you first. Or, end it and let yourself grieve the loss so you can find a single woman who can offer ALL of herself to you, not just bits and pieces when she has time for you. I highly doubt the Mexico trip was a surprise and first she heard of it on facebook.
2sunny Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 She's a cake eater. At YOUR expense. You deserve better.
Author Tahoe996 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Yeah I do realize that a bit more. She emailed me this morning basically saying that she had no idea about him booking this trip and apologizing but wanted to talk about it to me first thing this morning. She knows i am rather unhappy about it but I really don't want to deal with this through email with her. The more I read these posts and think about what she is telling me. I guess people are right. She is a cake eater. It sucks and hurts but I guess I really have no choice but to get crapped on and listen to her try and say everything to make it last with me and keep the A going or I can just move on. And try and walk away. She is going to call me here in a but. I'm not sure how this is going to go but I have to be strong.
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 What is there to discuss? She's still going on that holiday with her husband. Surprise or not, they are going. It doesn't change anything, except maybe give you more of a reality check/kick that she is continuing to live life with her husband. Couples that are going to separate and divorce do NOT go on trips to Mexico. She is happy just having an affair with you, you fill in needs that her husband doesn't. To you, it's more than just an affair, to her, it IS an affair. You make her a big part of your daily life, she can't. If she landed in the hospital, you wouldn't be able to go be with her, see her and comfort her. IF you got ill and was in the hospital she couldn't drop everything and come running to you, day or in the middle of the night. Do your friends and family know about your affair with her? If so, what do they say? If they don't and she's kept hidden, like you are in her life - What's the point? Hiding a relationship, having to lie and be a secret isn't healthy nor is it good for you.
Author Tahoe996 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Yes there isn't a whole lot to discuss really. You are right. She is going on this trip and that's the bottom line. I guess you are right, it really just right now is giving me a ton of mixed emotions. The things she said, the part that gets to me I guess is just the words she gave me. I guess just thinking that I had a future with her and realizing that it isn't going to happen sucks. I know I have no one to blame but myself but it doesn't really make things any better.
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Some can deal with being the AP and accept things as they are. There are many OW on here who have been in affairs for years...They are happy enough, go about their own life too, but still have hope.. It's sad and I really hope you find it in you to end the A and walk away. You are wasting your precious heart and love on someone who is already married, built a life with someone else. You are hurting yourself..
Author Tahoe996 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Yes, they are convincing. I did get off the phone with her and she wants to see me at lunch. I did ask her if she was going. Her answer was "I am not sure, what am I supposed to do? I responded not go if you don't want to. It just makes me wonder what really happened this weekend. I am starting to think that I am getting played. The affair bubble does make sense now. It makes me really think well okay, if she can't say no to a trip then how will she ever say I don't want to be with you anymore to him? I think the feeling of getting played by her is starting to sink in.
RickFox Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Yes, they are convincing. I did get off the phone with her and she wants to see me at lunch. I did ask her if she was going. Her answer was "I am not sure, what am I supposed to do? I responded not go if you don't want to. It just makes me wonder what really happened this weekend. I am starting to think that I am getting played. The affair bubble does make sense now. It makes me really think well okay, if she can't say no to a trip then how will she ever say I don't want to be with you anymore to him? I think the feeling of getting played by her is starting to sink in. Well at least you figured it out now, get out while you can, with some dignity still intact. As a MM, I was involved with a MW and she said all the right things....and I let my guard down and fell for her. We talked about life togehter, her wanting to leave her H, how we'd take care of our kids and the list went on and on and then when my W discovered us, she swore we'd still see each other, and then she suddenly stopped talking to me, accused me of stalking her, blamed me for it all and went back to her life knowing i wouldnt 'say anything because I previously told her I'd protect her. That's the affair bubble, get ready for it to pop when you make the reality known that you want all of her or none of her.
Author Tahoe996 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Yes, she works we work for the same company and in her position she can get time off rather easy. She did mention that too him according to her. She said that she was not sure she could even get the time off. It's funny too because I did say to her "well if you are not sure you even want to go then why are you going? She replied to me that she is not sure she does NOT want to go and I said so you can work on things with him? She started crying and said yes. I guess that gives me a better idea too.
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Yes, they are convincing. I did get off the phone with her and she wants to see me at lunch. I did ask her if she was going. Her answer was "I am not sure, what am I supposed to do? I responded not go if you don't want to. It just makes me wonder what really happened this weekend. I am starting to think that I am getting played. The affair bubble does make sense now. It makes me really think well okay, if she can't say no to a trip then how will she ever say I don't want to be with you anymore to him? I think the feeling of getting played by her is starting to sink in. It isn't being played by her malciously, it's just that she isn't going to leave her husband to be with you, be your wife one day. She's selfish and enjoying the A for what it is...Every time you push, she explains. Her answers are the same, just worded differently slightly each time. She's always going to have a reason not to leave and divorce. I'm glad you see the affair bubble thing. She isn't NOT going to go on that trip. She's going, and she'll make it seem like hell that she has to go, like she 'owes it to him' and she'll have an awful time with him in Mexico. Doubt that. Sorry to be blunt.
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Yes, she works we work for the same company and in her position she can get time off rather easy. She did mention that too him according to her. She said that she was not sure she could even get the time off. It's funny too because I did say to her "well if you are not sure you even want to go then why are you going? She replied to me that she is not sure she does NOT want to go and I said so you can work on things with him? She started crying and said yes. I guess that gives me a better idea too. There's no way he's planned this trip without her not knowing, especially when it comes to booking time off of work. No way. Even if she can get time off whenever she feels like it, she doesn't get the final say. She had to have run this by her boss. Or is about to. This is their time to reconnect, he's made a huge effort here. She feels guilty and that's where the tears come into play. Don't let her tears manipulate you. She feels bad because she knows she's hurting you, but it's not enough to make her walk away and set you free so you can grieve and heal, find a woman who will love only you.
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