FearfulFuture Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Hi LS'ers. I haven't posted on here in a while but could really do with some help and advice on my current issue. So me and the ex (23) have been split for 11 months (she was the dumper) out of a 4.5 year relationship (not one day has passed where i don't think about her). I (27) listened to a lot of advice on here and went NC straight away for 3 months until she came running back asking for a second chance. I wanted nothing more in life so of course went with it. It took just 3 weeks for her to decide the negative feelings were still there and off she went again. I went back into NC for 2 months and started to do some serious healing. 2 months on and i was at a good place until she suddenly came back into my life, this time saying how much she loved me, had always loved me, needed the time to realize and would do anything to get back together, i understandably was hesitant but i love her and it didn't take long for her to win over my heart. She pushed for everything this time and really tried to make it work but our first argument arrived (about people we had been with whilst apart) and she decided she couldn't deal with that even though it was something i had to accept also and was willing to. The sucker punch this time as she left was that she said how much she loves me, how she will always love me and wishes more than anything we could be together. 3 months on (NC again) and i have not been able to get over this at all. Im not sure why, maybe because i thought she would return again (going on past behaviour) or maybe because she said she still loves me and thinks so much of me (as she stated). All of these things have made it hard to let go of any hope and it has been killing me, to be honest i have been getting progressively worse. Sorry for the background story but i thought it would help with my current issue. So i bumped into her at a club on Friday night and she was very upset, crying and an emotional wreck, i couldn't help but go over and try to comfort her. She said her life is a mess, she misses me, she loves me but doesn't know why that isn't enough. I woke up this morning very emotional and for the first time i sent her a text first, just asking if she was ok etc. We exchanged a few texts just saying how we hate not having each other in our lives, how we hate not talking and we miss each other. She did state however that we have established we can't be together. I didn't push for anything but i did open up a little saying i didn't understand how two people who feel this way are so unhappy not together why can't we make it work. Towards the end of the conversation i invited her out for coffee and she accepted although did state we will not reconcile. Does anybody know what is going on with this girl? All these emotions and confessions of love but not getting back together, its really confusing me and im quite frustrated. How do i approach this meet or do i not go at all and save my heart the pain? Although i don't think i can be any sadder than i have been these past 3 months. I feel like we are so close but can't work out why she won't try again. She has returned twice and i have given it every chance, i feel this is now my turn to reach out and ask for a second try. I would love any insight into whats going on or just a kick up the ass to make me realize. Im so lost and not sure how to handle this? Any help would be great and thanks for reading.
hudson701 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Wow what a story...coming back twice after such long periods of NC! I wish my ex would do that, but she plans to work/travel America this summer for 2 years so I'll never see her again. I literally can't sleep thinking about it, makes me feel physically sick.
Bluem Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 On-again, off-again relationships can be really heart breaking and toxic. The one thing I learned though is that if this person isn't putting their 100% into it, it's over. The last time my ex was "unsure" (though I thought we had been past this phase for a year), I told him if this was another break up - then it was over for the last time. He didn't believe me until he tried to come back and he literally threw a fit, but for me, it was already over. How can you commit to someone who you can't trust to stay with you? You should explain this to your ex. If she wants to leave, she should leave but it has to be permanent and it can't keep dragging along because it's unfair to you. If she wants to stay and work on things, then she actually has to try. You can't make someone love you and you can't make someone stay. If she leaves again, it'll be up to you to make it so she can't come back otherwise she won't see the error in her ways. If you stay, what's to say she just won't leave again? Unfortunately, this also means you can't be with her. The good new is though that you will heal. She may not, but that's not really your concern. If she leaves don't take her back, don't be her friend, simply cut her out - you'll be glad you did after you heal. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 on-again, off-again relationships can be really heart breaking and toxic. The one thing i learned though is that if this person isn't putting their 100% into it, it's over. .... How can you commit to someone who you can't trust to stay with you? exactly. This.
NoMoreJerks Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 She is taking you for granted. She knows you love her, and is using you as her fallback person in times of emotional need/anxiety/loneliness. She is treating you as a doormat, because she knows you love her too much to not give her a second, third, fourth, fifth, ... nth chance. Stop doing this to yourself. Mine has dumped me twice already, formally -- he has also sent me several emails telling me "looks like we're finished", but those times I convinced him to stay. So "officially", I have been dumped twice, and this second time it looks like he's gonna take his sweet time to come back (if at all), but I have decided that I have given him way too many chances to get his act together, and I will not be someone's option that they come running back to when they realize that they are lonely and that no one loves them. Do yourself a favour and cut her out of your life. I did. 15 days of NC so far (starting from the day I was dumped), and still going strong. It's not easy, but it can be done. The only time I got close to contacting him was during a moment of extraordinary weakness and pain, when I found out that my dad might have cancer, but even then, I forced myself not to text him. I have too much self-respect, after what he did to me. 1
nocturne12 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 This is what my ex usually does to me. He is a drama king and I believe he only loves himself being a heroine of sad love stories or something like that. My ex says that "I don't know why.. but I cannot stop loving you but I also cannot loving you 100%. It hurts me..", "I feel guilty for that I cannot love you as much you love me... I'm so sorry" I think people like your ex and my ex ONLY love themselves being victim in the relationship and they are unhappy in a happily relationship because they cannot play any drama to be victim. For my ex, he questions for the relationship when it's in good term, and destroys it to play a game or drama. He is very immature, insecure, and emotionally weak. As NoMoreJerks said, your ex takes you for granted, which my ex had done to me too. your ex can play games she loves with you anytime because she knows that you would not leave her emotionally. My ex kept leaving me for exactly same reason and I took him back 3 times in the past, I assume that reason doesn't matter for these kind of exs, it is not a "reason", it is just a "excuse" to escape from the relationship. So their reasons are very selfish and careless, sometimes hurtful to the dumpee. Be strong. This doesn't mean that you have to give up on your ex. You both could be together again someday, but first you have to be strong to keep your statement to her keeping breaking up with you and taking you for granted.
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