promises Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I feel like I'm in some sort of slow motion movie in my mind. I keep having memories of the entirety of the time I spent with xMM. Everything seems to be popping into my head- all the conversations, all the laughs, all the moments, everything. But, it's happening at weird times of the day and in the middle of the night. I'm replaying the entire thing, or my brain is processing it. I didn't expect this to happen. It's painful. I wonder if he has these moments, too. Not that it matters. Most likely his every attention is on her and the kids at the moment. It's hard to think he never thinks of me. It's too painful. I can't move today. Literally camped out in a world of relaxation and numbness. I started anti-depression meds this week. I am not even ashamed to say so. This is HARD stuff to go through. Just needed to write today. The process of letting go, the memories are almost steady flashes now.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I think sometimes, after you've allowed yourself to grieve, you have to be proactive in eliminating these thoughts. They can be self destructive. Allow them or don't. Here's where you have to take control back. 1
neveragain34 Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Be patient as you wait for the antidepressants to kick in; it'll take at least two weeks or longer. I went for my annual exam last month and asked for a sleepaid prescription because I couldn't sleep at night. Instead my doctor gave me a prescription for Prozac (10mg). I started taking it about three weeks ago and didn't start feeling anything till this past week. I ended things with my MM about a month ago and cried a lot and didn't want to do anything. Was more depressed about my own self and having another failed relationship than missing him, but he was still a factor. Christmas was the worst. Anyway, I don't know if it is the prozac or the time that has passed or a combination of both, but this past week I am started to feel normal again. I even got up the strength to erase all memories of him (voicemails, texts, emails, cards, letters, photos, gifts, etc). I slipped and texted him last night, but it wasn't a text about missing him or anything. It started as a dental question then escalated into angry texts. (Still better than sad ones of telling him I miss him and trying to get him back like ones that I used to send.) I can't even cry anymore. Not sure if that's the prozac, but I've actually tried to make myself cry and it won't work! Soon you will feel nothing and things will get better. Hang in there!! (((Hugs))) 1
Author promises Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 Be patient as you wait for the antidepressants to kick in; it'll take at least two weeks or longer. I went for my annual exam last month and asked for a sleepaid prescription because I couldn't sleep at night. Instead my doctor gave me a prescription for Prozac (10mg). I started taking it about three weeks ago and didn't start feeling anything till this past week. I ended things with my MM about a month ago and cried a lot and didn't want to do anything. Was more depressed about my own self and having another failed relationship than missing him, but he was still a factor. Christmas was the worst. Anyway, I don't know if it is the prozac or the time that has passed or a combination of both, but this past week I am started to feel normal again. I even got up the strength to erase all memories of him (voicemails, texts, emails, cards, letters, photos, gifts, etc). I slipped and texted him last night, but it wasn't a text about missing him or anything. It started as a dental question then escalated into angry texts. (Still better than sad ones of telling him I miss him and trying to get him back like ones that I used to send.) I can't even cry anymore. Not sure if that's the prozac, but I've actually tried to make myself cry and it won't work! Soon you will feel nothing and things will get better. Hang in there!! (((Hugs))) Thank you. I hope I feel nothing soon. I haven't been able to erase the VM's. He changed his number immediately and contacted me via email. He and his W have locked down his contact to a fortress level. Although, he still emailed me from his work multiple times this month. What a way to live, huh? Your spouse monitoring your every move. I'd rather be single than in a relationship like that. Honestly, it's my worst nightmare. I'm trying to make myself feel better saying that. But, how long is that honestly going to last before he snaps. Or she does. A male friend asked me to dinner tonight. I don't want to go. I just don't. I think he's slightly interested and I'm just blahhhhh... go away.
Got it Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Promise, just ride the waves, they get better. One exercise, to work on the thoughts is allow yourself a certain time of day where you can think of him. Give yourself that time period but the rest of the time you focus on other things. Put a rubberband on your wrist and every time you feel like you are drifting off into unwanted thoughts, snap it hard. It will redirect your thinking. You're mourning. Be gentle with yourself. 3
Author promises Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 Promise, just ride the waves, they get better. One exercise, to work on the thoughts is allow yourself a certain time of day where you can think of him. Give yourself that time period but the rest of the time you focus on other things. Put a rubberband on your wrist and every time you feel like you are drifting off into unwanted thoughts, snap it hard. It will redirect your thinking. You're mourning. Be gentle with yourself. It's just hard. I don't understand how you can literally tell someone you are in love with them and want to be with them and then do a 180 over night. Not even think of me except to 'check in' once in awhile? It's humiliating. All of it is humiliating. I bare the scarlet letter and he goes home to his wife engages in 'hysterical bonding' and I'm just a girl he used.
bigalagain Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I don't understand how you can literally tell someone you are in love with them and want to be with them and then do a 180 over night. Not even think of me except to 'check in' once in awhile? It's humiliating. All of it is humiliating. I bare the scarlet letter and he goes home to his wife engages in 'hysterical bonding' and I'm just a girl he used. And that is what is going to help you with this. What does this mean about how he feels about you? I agree with the others that you need to start practicing stopping thoughts. It seems like it is comforting sometimes, to go over it all in your head, but it is not. Practice limited thinking about him, and no thinking about what he is doing. 1
seren Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Promises, time will prove to be the great healer, until it does you will question what was said and go over and over this and that and every part of the relationship with a fine tooth comb looking for answers to what may be always unanswered questions - I can relate to that and it is maddening and makes healing more difficult than complete closure. Many WS in an A compartmentalise, in that they are able to have two different lives running simultaneously, with each having their own reality, to him at least. It isn't right, but it seems to be how many can justify to themselves having an A. This doesn't mean that you were viewed by him as just a girl he used, although it obviously feels that way to you. It sounds like reality has made him have to make a decision, NC is usually expected in order for the marriage to heal, if it can. It must be so very hard to process all that you thought with all that is happening, you will drive yourself nuts if you try to understand the dynamics of it all without his input and may very well end up questioning yourself. That leads to self doubt and possibly depression. It takes time, as an XBS I replayed our marriage after D Day over and over, it never really made any sense why someone could say one thing, mean another and be able to compartmentalise so much, it probably never will. I hope you find peace x
veryhappy Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 You need more time. Go with the flow and it will get easier. You'll find you can't make sense of it. There's no sense in someone doing a 180 so swiftly. You can understand though that that person was no good in your life anyway. You probably want someone reliable and who wouldn't change their mind about being with you with every 5 minutes. As for feeling for the W, that's too precious. It's enough that we step back and leave the two alone. There's enough bunny boilers stories, so BS should pick their battles. If we had an A with a MM, we obviously okayed it with our inner system. Does anyone believe that this forum will become post after post of "I can't sleep at night because what I did to his W?". Oh please, usually we're the one to care more during the A, about her and the effect on the kids.
RickFox Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 It's gonna take a long long time before the thoughts began to dissipate...and Im not sure that's the right word. Over a year later now and I still think of xMW but when I start to think of her I remind myself of what she did, what your xMM did, how she quickly turned her back on me, gave no explanation, lashed out at me as though I was the sole person involved in the A and it was all my fault and I'm reminded that actions speak so much louder than words and those show you who he is and what you truly meant. As far as you're concerned, or any of us having been through this crap, he doesn't think of you and never cared. Use that to step forward a bit each and every day. Oh and you ask how long will it be before he snaps or she does... from what? She doesn't have him on lock down, he's allowing her to monitor it all, he's playing the good husband game. Nothing that is going on between them isn't an agreed upon deal so it's not all on her and the rest, the emails from work, that should show you how little you truly mean....he either shouts it from the roof top or he leaves you alone completely. 1
HonestNeurotic Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 So - because the poster was an OW, she shouldn't feel badly? Wow. That's kinda cold. MFH70. Sure she dated someone that already had a commitment to someone else. If let's say, it was a breakup where she never ever knew the guy was married - would that make it more valid? Then she'd have the right to be feeling hurt? Better to remind Promises how awful the dude is/was. That he HURT her. Maybe some other people that are thinking about engaging in an affair might think twice. i.e., I don't wanna be hurt or hurtful so I'm not going to do this. And he was the one that broke HIS promises. To her and to his wife. She had no promises with his wife. So yeah, he gets to be the bad guy here. People need to be more stingy with their promises.
HonestNeurotic Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I think that sharing your feelings in a truthful manner and getting really mad is part of healing. Sitting and ruminating about how bad of a person I am gets me nowhere. Better to remember the dude is a dick. THEN - I can start to work on me. In the meantime - there's a bunch of confusing crap swirling around, and I'm trying to do what's right but I realize that maybe I'm not in really thinking right. So I just see it differently. And we all work out our problems in our own way. Me? I get the moralizing put on me - I just get defensive and shut down. I don't steal from my neighbors either. I don't steal husbands. I don't lie and make promises I have no intention of keeping either. People say "I Love You" all too freely it seems. I have been the OW. I won't say that it's right or wrong - I have a difference of opinion when it comes to love and sex. You can't govern them with laws like you can with dumping waste into our drinking water. I guess we could make all the OW's wear a scarlet letter...... I will say that these cowardly exits and endings are really sad. Cruel. There's no need for it. There's no need to make promises to someone - to tell them you love them - whether you are single or married or whatever it is - if you don't explain what those limits of your love are and live up to them. We all deserve to be loved in the way that we desire to be loved without hurting others. Emotions cloud our decisions and we make mistakes. I truly feel bad that his wife feels so low about herself that she would want a guy like that around.
Author promises Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 Promises, time will prove to be the great healer, until it does you will question what was said and go over and over this and that and every part of the relationship with a fine tooth comb looking for answers to what may be always unanswered questions - I can relate to that and it is maddening and makes healing more difficult than complete closure. Many WS in an A compartmentalise, in that they are able to have two different lives running simultaneously, with each having their own reality, to him at least. It isn't right, but it seems to be how many can justify to themselves having an A. This doesn't mean that you were viewed by him as just a girl he used, although it obviously feels that way to you. It sounds like reality has made him have to make a decision, NC is usually expected in order for the marriage to heal, if it can. It must be so very hard to process all that you thought with all that is happening, you will drive yourself nuts if you try to understand the dynamics of it all without his input and may very well end up questioning yourself. That leads to self doubt and possibly depression. It takes time, as an XBS I replayed our marriage after D Day over and over, it never really made any sense why someone could say one thing, mean another and be able to compartmentalise so much, it probably never will. I hope you find peace x Seren, thank you. This was very sweet.
Got it Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 It's just hard. I don't understand how you can literally tell someone you are in love with them and want to be with them and then do a 180 over night. Not even think of me except to 'check in' once in awhile? It's humiliating. All of it is humiliating. I bare the scarlet letter and he goes home to his wife engages in 'hysterical bonding' and I'm just a girl he used. promises, I am going to piggyback on what seren said. Realistically, do you really think that he did a 180 switch like that? No. Very few people can do that. I think you are safe to assume that he did care for you deeply. Just the sheer fact that he is "checking in" indicates that he didn't do a 180 switch. He did and does care. BUT!!!! That is said to comfort you but not to hold on to future hope. Because on the flip side what he did do was show that he had a different priority list than you. You deserve someone to prioritize you over everything else and that is what you need to focus on. Try not to allow the mind movies that he is doing whatever at home. You don't know that and you are just torturing yourself with it. Please so doing that and be kind to yourself. Please don't feel humiliated. You took a chance at love, that is an amazing thing! You put yourself out there. One thing that I would tell myself is that I can't predict the future. So who knows what would happen. Maybe he will come back. Maybe he won't. Maybe I will find another. Maybe I won't. What you need to know, above all else, YOU WILL BE OKAY. YOU WILL BE HAPPY. YOU WILL LIVE LIFE TO ITS FULLEST. You are a remarkable amazing wonderful woman. Think about all that you have to offer. And if he is too foolish to appreciate and cherish it well he is a bigger fool than realized. He doesn't deserve you then and phooey on him! Jerk. I am sorry honey, journal through this, make yourself do things, reconnect with friends or pick up a new hobby. Right now you will find yourself having to force yourself to do it but there will come a time you will be excited about these things. Do you have any pets? Pets give you that unconditional love that is needed right now. Nothing like a little fur and a big cuddle and kiss that lifts your spirits.
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