Aubrey Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 My fiance and I have very recently got engaged after dating for 2yrs, He travels the US & Europe alot for his job, which at first wasn't a problem for me. Sometimes we wouldn't see each other for a month at a time. If we did have time together when he wasn't touring & i had to go to work he would get aggravated because he wants alone time together, He always begged me to quit my job and be with him full time as he can provide for us both. Im a professional Ballet dancer but i'm a GoGo Dancer on the side for extra money & I love my job, I've been dancing since i was 2. My fiance was always very vocal on how much he doesn't like that i GoGo dance but supported me anyway but constantly tells me how much he hates knowing that men watch me etc. We are happy together and i love him so much but we seem to argue alot about this which ruins the minimum time we have together. We had an agreement when we started dating that he would never come by my job when im working because he said he couldn't deal with it but last week the night before we was due back on the road and without telling me first, he came by my job, This was the 1st time he'd seen me perform and when i went to him he was so angry with me asking why i enjoy the attention of other -(in his words) perverts getting a 'hard on'- it got very heated and he yelled that my job is the reason we cant be around each other & that he supports me being a dancer just not that kind, He said he wishes he never laid eyes on me, which really hurt me i started to cry, In a rage he punched the wall beside me which scared me but he said that he was sorry and that he crossed the line he just can't deal with it and that i have to figure out what i want more, The job or him and then walked out. He is coming home tomorrow and im strongly thinking about quiting my job but my friend thinks he is manipulating me and is being too possessive. I understand were he is coming from but i honestly do love my job, its a fun outlet for me and i feel torn, Should i stand my ground with my job or am i letting it get in the way of what could be something great? Advice please?
anne1707 Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Not only is he trying to control you, he is also displaying a violent temper which could get worse. Is this what you want? Do you want to be dependent on a man who could get violent if you don't do exactly as he wants? 2
Radu Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I hate to say this, but if he wants you to quit your job, he should support you untill you find another, different job. Take into account also that this is an ultimatum. And ultimatums are bad in a relationship. It's a form of emotional control, it gives him power in the relationship. If you give into this ultimatum, it needs to be a compromise, or else he will think that he can dictate anything to you. So the question is, is he worth it ? Is he ? 1
Radu Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I forgot to add. Don't give up the ballet dancing at all. Also, guys who are away that much have a reputation ... i hope you know it. His job is a problem too. 1
Balzac Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Professional ballet careers are notoriously short lived. I'm guessing you are young. Was any of this career issue discussed as a part of the engagement/marriage preparation?
todreaminblue Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 My fiance and I have very recently got engaged after dating for 2yrs, He travels the US & Europe alot for his job, which at first wasn't a problem for me. Sometimes we wouldn't see each other for a month at a time. If we did have time together when he wasn't touring & i had to go to work he would get aggravated because he wants alone time together, He always begged me to quit my job and be with him full time as he can provide for us both. Im a professional Ballet dancer but i'm a GoGo Dancer on the side for extra money & I love my job, I've been dancing since i was 2. My fiance was always very vocal on how much he doesn't like that i GoGo dance but supported me anyway but constantly tells me how much he hates knowing that men watch me etc. We are happy together and i love him so much but we seem to argue alot about this which ruins the minimum time we have together. We had an agreement when we started dating that he would never come by my job when im working because he said he couldn't deal with it but last week the night before we was due back on the road and without telling me first, he came by my job, This was the 1st time he'd seen me perform and when i went to him he was so angry with me asking why i enjoy the attention of other -(in his words) perverts getting a 'hard on'- it got very heated and he yelled that my job is the reason we cant be around each other & that he supports me being a dancer just not that kind, He said he wishes he never laid eyes on me, which really hurt me i started to cry, In a rage he punched the wall beside me which scared me but he said that he was sorry and that he crossed the line he just can't deal with it and that i have to figure out what i want more, The job or him and then walked out. He is coming home tomorrow and im strongly thinking about quiting my job but my friend thinks he is manipulating me and is being too possessive. I understand were he is coming from but i honestly do love my job, its a fun outlet for me and i feel torn, Should i stand my ground with my job or am i letting it get in the way of what could be something great? Advice please? We had an agreement when we started dating that he would never come by my job when im working because he said he couldn't deal with it having that agreement shows me that you know its not gonna work ......ever...your fiancee shoudl feel comfortable where ever you are....because you are there, if he doesnt......thats major Im going to differ here,from everybody else, first off i am not a prude , used to dance myself.....doesnt mean i would take it back up if i was in a relationship, or even out of one, that part of my life is over.......i grew up... anyway, if a guy cant come by your work because he cant handle the job you are in, if he did its not surprising he got physical...its called pushing a guy to his limits....... how do you expect to maintain a relationship with a guy that doesn't like what you do, i think you know why your guy doesnt like your job and deep down you already know what you have to do.......you are doign the job to get money on teh side ....correct??? what is more important to you ....teh money on the side the admiration of the men you dance for or your boyfriend /fiancee...is it more importatn for you to eb another mans entertainment or is it more imprtatn to have a loving relationship with your fiancee......who you are going to spend the rest of your life with...not just a few hours a day but 24/7... men are not perfect, when they dont like something they tend to get upset, when they get frustrated unlike some women it comes out physically, its isnt attractive, it is however understandable for this guy you are with you are doing something he detests.......how would you feel if your fiancee worked in an industry that pandered to women...had women eyeing him off handing him their phone numbers at the end of the night....or sleazing on to you on break or between sets...you are a go go dancer you know what i am talking about....or women sayign ooooh i would love to **** that and talking amongst themselves how hot he is and how sexy and how much they would like to suck his cock.......i think i know you wouldnt like it, would you want him to quit.....or what if he was a masseuse who had women groaning on a table seeing them half naked woudl you feel comfortable.... i know its all about trust, doesnt mean you should push him to teh max to see what breaks him, and some guys can be saints and so trusting that they would put aside their misgivings and fears....but lets face it men are mere mortals.......not perfect, inherantly flawed but worth it.......is your job worth more? are the men you dance for worth more than him, would you prefer to dance and go home at the end of the night and not to him..that is basically what it will come to..I think I already know the answers i wrote those questions rhetorically, it doesnt matter what i think or advise its your answer that matters......you know you have to give up your job....or leave him.......i wish you well and i believe you will do what is best for you, for him and ultimately the rest of your life....not a side order to go go...its not about control and manipulation, its about how far do you want to push him and his sanity??? you also know the answer to that....you knwo exactly what you want in your heart.so listen to that heart and never be manipulated by an unknowns advice.......deb 1
soccerrprp Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I thought what others are thinking when I first read your post. He may likely be a controlling type. Beware. 2
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I think the fiancé is more important than the job, unless you intend on being a 50 year old alone go go dancer just give it up, you're MARRYING him! Be grateful you have someone to marry to and give up the stupid job it is not a permanent thing. He doesn't seem controlling to me he just seems like he doesn't want his girlfriend slutting it up as a go go dancer... It's understandable 4
carhill Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Welcome to LS 'Touring' sounds like a professional performer/athlete/sport - type job. Close? Presuming you have been open about your passion for dance and 'job' since the beginning, he's made active choices all along the way, to be with you. Part of choosing is accepting the choice. Sounds like he's re-thinking that part and the disturbance of that re-thinking is coming out physically/verbally in inappropriate ways. How old are you and he? 1
Quest4_TheLost Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I've seen plenty of gogo dancers they don't dance slutty at the clubs I've been too. If you were a stripper that I would definetly understand. This guy does sound controling to me and overly jealous. Relationships are about compromise though. I think the other posters asked the best question. Is he worth it? 1
MrCastle Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 This is your fiance we're talking about. Not some fling or a short term boyfriend. He said he can support you financially, so I understand his concern with you go go dancing. Then again, there are strippers who have husbands. It really depends on your relationship and what you guys can handle, and also how much you two are willing to compromise. Relationships require both sides to make compromises. If he has a problem with this, you have to decide what you value more in your life. Go go dancing or your fiance. If you feel he's too controlling, leave the situation before you get hitched to this guy.
Treasa Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 He's your fiance for now. He can support you for now. He can also STILL decide to break up with you or end the engagement after you quit your job(s). Then you'll have NO source of money. Your dreams and your money come before a man unless you're married. Then, and ONLY if YOU want to quit your job, should you do so. I'd never trust someone, especially someone who seems that controlling, to be responsible for me financially. What you do is something that most people never get the chance to do. It's not a regular office job that you can just pick up again later, you know?
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 There are at least 3 different issues here. 1) Gogo dancing. Lots of men can't deal with a girlfriend, fiance or wife who does this. It's just the way it is. So you might have to make a choice. 2) Ballet dancing. If you are really a "professional" ballet dancer, even though it's hard for me to picture a professional ballet body on a gogo dancing stage, then you might be choosing to abandon that, too, if you agree to go with him on tour. Are you ready for that? 3) Wall punching. The wall beside you, no less. This is a serious problem. Is this how he deals with conflict, jealousy and not getting his way? It is not just anger, it shows a desire to intimidate you. Control. That does not bode well for your future together. 4
O'Malley Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 While I understand his discomfort about your dancing, he seems myopic about the effects that his job has had on your relationship as well. I'd also be concerned if this is how he typically handles conflict - hitting the wall, expecting you to make compromises while he offers none of his own. Besides that, it sets a bad precedent for your relationship and any future marriage if you give up a job that you value simply to please and placate your boyfriend. Realistically your marketability (and likely his) have shorter lifespans than if you were employed in non entertainment careers, but I think you'll resent giving this (or any job, really) up for him.
Michael Johnson Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 having that agreement shows me that you know its not gonna work ......ever...your fiancee shoudl feel comfortable where ever you are....because you are there, if he doesnt......thats major Im going to differ here,from everybody else, first off i am not a prude , used to dance myself.....doesnt mean i would take it back up if i was in a relationship, or even out of one, that part of my life is over.......i grew up... anyway, if a guy cant come by your work because he cant handle the job you are in, if he did its not surprising he got physical...its called pushing a guy to his limits....... how do you expect to maintain a relationship with a guy that doesn't like what you do, i think you know why your guy doesnt like your job and deep down you already know what you have to do.......you are doign the job to get money on teh side ....correct??? what is more important to you ....teh money on the side the admiration of the men you dance for or your boyfriend /fiancee...is it more importatn for you to eb another mans entertainment or is it more imprtatn to have a loving relationship with your fiancee......who you are going to spend the rest of your life with...not just a few hours a day but 24/7... men are not perfect, when they dont like something they tend to get upset, when they get frustrated unlike some women it comes out physically, its isnt attractive, it is however understandable for this guy you are with you are doing something he detests.......how would you feel if your fiancee worked in an industry that pandered to women...had women eyeing him off handing him their phone numbers at the end of the night....or sleazing on to you on break or between sets...you are a go go dancer you know what i am talking about....or women sayign ooooh i would love to **** that and talking amongst themselves how hot he is and how sexy and how much they would like to suck his cock.......i think i know you wouldnt like it, would you want him to quit.....or what if he was a masseuse who had women groaning on a table seeing them half naked woudl you feel comfortable.... i know its all about trust, doesnt mean you should push him to teh max to see what breaks him, and some guys can be saints and so trusting that they would put aside their misgivings and fears....but lets face it men are mere mortals.......not perfect, inherantly flawed but worth it.......is your job worth more? are the men you dance for worth more than him, would you prefer to dance and go home at the end of the night and not to him..that is basically what it will come to..I think I already know the answers i wrote those questions rhetorically, it doesnt matter what i think or advise its your answer that matters......you know you have to give up your job....or leave him.......i wish you well and i believe you will do what is best for you, for him and ultimately the rest of your life....not a side order to go go...its not about control and manipulation, its about how far do you want to push him and his sanity??? you also know the answer to that....you knwo exactly what you want in your heart.so listen to that heart and never be manipulated by an unknowns advice.......deb I think todreaminblue laid out pretty good for the most part. Anyone who's actually been in a long-term relationship where good times and bad times occur, will know about an ultimatum, which is one partner in the relationship saying that they've had enough **** handed to them and something needs to change. Those who act as if ultimatums are evil little bugs are probably people who don't have much relationship experience, or have never had a relationship past 6 months. Relationships are a give and take and so far up until this point, he has been patient and considerate of your feelings and dancing in front of other men while his feelings have apparently been ignored. 1
Robert Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 The OP has requested that the thread be reopened
FitChick Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Since you claim to be doing it because you need the money, tell him you will stop if he supports you.
Yookie Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Correct me if I'm wrong but gogo dancing sounds like is just a job, not a career for you? This should be easy to give up for a fiance. You can pick up a job like that anytime in the future if need be. All the better if he is willing and able to support you both on his salary.
Treasa Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Don't believe he'll absolutely support you. He has no obligation to give you anything unless you're married, which you aren't yet.
Recommended Posts