Billyjo Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Okay, I'm going to try to make this as short as possible. We were for together 6 years. I never appreciated her enough and towards the end my depression was so bad I just really didn't treat her well. When she ended it she told me she still loved me and always would, she told me she thinks we could be friends once I could honestly admit to how I had treated her. I agreed with everything she said and apologized, I told her I'm going to get counseling (which I am) I hurt when I think about having caused her pain, I love her a lot even though she doesn't believe that..she actually recently told me I never loved her. Anyways I've done NC for about a month now and today she messages me and says I need to get my stuff. She was being so vicious about it and every time I replied she would just say "you have 3 days to get your stuff." I asked why she all of a sudden hates me so much and she just said "you have 3 days to get your stuff" She said it SIX TIMES..I can read, if you don't want to respond then just don't respond. It was just so evil, she knows I don't really have anywhere to put all the stuff right now so I'm scrambling to find some place..which is fine, I get if maybe she just wants my stuff out but the way she's doing it is just so mean and..odd? I feel like since I've gone NC she has started to hate me more and more. I thought NC was supposed to HELP.. not make someone who still had love for you completely hate you and never want to be friends again? What's the deal with her?
Bluem Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 She felt unloved. I have an ex who I have a similar argument with (which is why we're not "friends") - I simply think he's a liar. You don't treat people you love in the way he does. Maybe you didn't abuse her or anything, but whatever your behavior was, she sees it as proof you didn't love her. Just because you feel like you loved her doesn't mean she's going to feel the same - actions speak louder than words. It also seems you didn't exactly fight for her/ask for her back (not sure if you did or not). This could have made her upset too because it kind of cements the not loving her thing. Lastly, she probably doesn't want to be friends with you. There are some exes I don't mind being friends with, but others of them are not friend material. Either way she doesn't seem like she's being vicious to me. All she's doing is ignoring your advances as a friend and standing firm. She didn't insult you, etc. You're not going to be friends with all your exes - oh well.
naomii Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I think you should have only went NC if you didnt want her back or if she asked you to leave her alone. NC is good to help you heal and move on if you dont want to work things out with her. She probably feels like you really didnt love her since you didnt fight to get her back and just went NC instead. 2
beyond Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Okay, I'm going to try to make this as short as possible. We were for together 6 years. I never appreciated her enough and towards the end my depression was so bad I just really didn't treat her well. When she ended it she told me she still loved me and always would, she told me she thinks we could be friends once I could honestly admit to how I had treated her. I agreed with everything she said and apologized, I told her I'm going to get counseling (which I am) I hurt when I think about having caused her pain, I love her a lot even though she doesn't believe that..she actually recently told me I never loved her. Anyways I've done NC for about a month now and today she messages me and says I need to get my stuff. She was being so vicious about it and every time I replied she would just say "you have 3 days to get your stuff." I asked why she all of a sudden hates me so much and she just said "you have 3 days to get your stuff" She said it SIX TIMES..I can read, if you don't want to respond then just don't respond. It was just so evil, she knows I don't really have anywhere to put all the stuff right now so I'm scrambling to find some place..which is fine, I get if maybe she just wants my stuff out but the way she's doing it is just so mean and..odd? I feel like since I've gone NC she has started to hate me more and more. I thought NC was supposed to HELP.. not make someone who still had love for you completely hate you and never want to be friends again? What's the deal with her? Hey Billy, I don't think she is being 'mean' 'vicious' or 'evil'. You treated her badly, (btw, it's good you acknowledge that and are going to get help for your depression) she broke up with you and now she wants you to get your stuff. She clearly wants to move on and it's hard to do that when she has your things around her - a month is a long time, she probably expected you to have collected it by now. None of this means she didn't once love you or even that she still doesn't care for you. It just means it's over and you should get your things with as little drama as possible. Then it's time to work on yourself and make future relationships a lot better.
Author Billyjo Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 I think you should have only went NC if you didnt want her back or if she asked you to leave her alone. NC is good to help you heal and move on if you dont want to work things out with her. She probably feels like you really didnt love her since you didnt fight to get her back and just went NC instead. This is exactly what I was thinking, I just felt like I was in a lose-lose situation. She never told me to stop messaging her and always responded to my messages but at the same time I felt like I should be respectful and give her her space, plus I knew I wouldn't move on at all if I kept talking to her. Even though her messages were very matter-of-fact and not lovey dovey or sugar coated I still would live for hearing from her. It just seemed NC was the only way, but I think it has just confirmed to her that I never cared. The irony in that is that I still cry about her all the time, miss her terribly, and regret having treated her in any way other than what she deserved. The thing is I obviously have some issues to work out but it doesn't mean I didn't love her, I guess I don't know how to show love as easily as other people and it's something I have to work on, but it doesn't mean I didn't care about her and still do. Just to clarify I don't think that my ex is being "evil or vicious" for asking me to get my stuff, it's the way she did it...she first told me she was giving it away then when I said it was important to me and please don't do that she told me I had 3 days..then she repeated that six times..three of those times she said "you have 3 days to get your stuff if you want it" even though I had clearly already stated numerous times how important it was to me and that I wanted it. I almost feel like enjoys having some power over me because maybe she felt powerless for a long time. Does that make sense? I just feel like I'm damned if I do damned if I don't. Everyone tells you not to bed and make yourself look pathetic, but I feel like that's what she wanted and I should have just given her that.
beyond Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 This is exactly what I was thinking, I just felt like I was in a lose-lose situation. She never told me to stop messaging her and always responded to my messages but at the same time I felt like I should be respectful and give her her space, plus I knew I wouldn't move on at all if I kept talking to her. Even though her messages were very matter-of-fact and not lovey dovey or sugar coated I still would live for hearing from her. It just seemed NC was the only way, but I think it has just confirmed to her that I never cared. The irony in that is that I still cry about her all the time, miss her terribly, and regret having treated her in any way other than what she deserved. The thing is I obviously have some issues to work out but it doesn't mean I didn't love her, I guess I don't know how to show love as easily as other people and it's something I have to work on, but it doesn't mean I didn't care about her and still do. Just to clarify I don't think that my ex is being "evil or vicious" for asking me to get my stuff, it's the way she did it...she first told me she was giving it away then when I said it was important to me and please don't do that she told me I had 3 days..then she repeated that six times..three of those times she said "you have 3 days to get your stuff if you want it" even though I had clearly already stated numerous times how important it was to me and that I wanted it. I almost feel like enjoys having some power over me because maybe she felt powerless for a long time. Does that make sense? I just feel like I'm damned if I do damned if I don't. Everyone tells you not to bed and make yourself look pathetic, but I feel like that's what she wanted and I should have just given her that. Seriously - just go and get your stuff. She has asked you 6 times, she shouldn't have to keep asking you. To me it feels as if you don't want to collect it as it is your final link to her - understandable, but really not the way to go. I had an ex leave his guitar at my place for 3 months after we split up. It was probably his most treasured thing. It cut me up everytime I looked at it as I still had feelings for him. He kept arranging to collect it and then coming up with some excuse at the last minute why he couldn't. The only time I answered communication from him was when it involved collecting his guitar - he used that to try and talk to me about other things which just pushed me further away. In the end I left it outside his parents house. I have to say, I lost a lot of respect for him, that he acted like that. Man up and do the right thing.
Author Billyjo Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 Seriously - just go and get your stuff. She has asked you 6 times, she shouldn't have to keep asking you. To me it feels as if you don't want to collect it as it is your final link to her - understandable, but really not the way to go. I had an ex leave his guitar at my place for 3 months after we split up. It was probably his most treasured thing. It cut me up everytime I looked at it as I still had feelings for him. He kept arranging to collect it and then coming up with some excuse at the last minute why he couldn't. The only time I answered communication from him was when it involved collecting his guitar - he used that to try and talk to me about other things which just pushed me further away. In the end I left it outside his parents house. I have to say, I lost a lot of respect for him, that he acted like that. Man up and do the right thing. I don't mean this to come off rude at all, but I'm not sure you understand the situation correctly. She hasn't "asked me 6 times" to get my stuff. We had one conversation about it today and she just REPEATED that 6 times in a row like a child. Also, I don't want one last connection to her because it still gives her power over me.. we shared a home and there is a TON of stuff I will now have to rent a storage space, which is why it sucks. I'm not talking about a guitar, I'm talking about a HOUSE we owned together. I wanted to get my stuff as soon as possible so she had no way to use it against me, because I honestly think she has been enjoying having that control over me. I'm sorry for your situation and that you think you can analyze what I'm feeling but it's just not the same situation. And, obviously I AM going to get my stuff in the 3 days I don't want to lose it all.
beyond Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 (edited) I don't mean this to come off rude at all, but I'm not sure you understand the situation correctly. She hasn't "asked me 6 times" to get my stuff. We had one conversation about it today and she just REPEATED that 6 times in a row like a child. Also, I don't want one last connection to her because it still gives her power over me.. we shared a home and there is a TON of stuff I will now have to rent a storage space, which is why it sucks. I'm not talking about a guitar, I'm talking about a HOUSE we owned together. I wanted to get my stuff as soon as possible so she had no way to use it against me, because I honestly think she has been enjoying having that control over me. I'm sorry for your situation and that you think you can analyze what I'm feeling but it's just not the same situation. And, obviously I AM going to get my stuff in the 3 days I don't want to lose it all. Yes, I understood she asked lots of times in the same conversation. I just don't understand why you didn't answer 'I will get it tomorrow at 2pm' or whenever. Nowhere in your first post did you say you were going to get it within the 3 days. I see now that you say you are. I posted about the guitar and other stuff (which happened YEARS ago) to just give you a bit of an insight on how it feels in the other persons shoes to have your stuff around. It doesn't mean she hates you, just that she wants to get on with her life. Your original question was 'can someone help me understand why my ex is being like this' I was trying to answer that. A month is more than enough time to arrange a storage unit/van etc. Hope it all goes ok Edited January 6, 2013 by beyond
Hopeful714 Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I'm thinking you should have told her why you were going NC and if you just left to deal with your own problems and didn't tell her why she most likely does feel like you didn't love her since that is what she was feeling before. I don't always agree with NC. If someone is having relationship problems but they still want the relationship...NC is not the way to go. Contact with much communication and being respectful of boundaries is. If you want her back, you better try to do it now. But realize it may already be too late. Don't try to get her back though if you don't think you can live up to the expectations she has or wants. And you need to get the depression under control and or learn of ways to more positively deal with it or the same cycle will repeat with her or other relationships. I dont know why someone would repeat a statement 6 times. Either she really means it, or she may be frustrated. In relationships we all say things we don't mean at times...you need to find out if she is really DONE with you or if you still have a chance. Communication first, and if it looks hopeless...NC second. Good luck.
Author Billyjo Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 I'm thinking you should have told her why you were going NC and if you just left to deal with your own problems and didn't tell her why she most likely does feel like you didn't love her since that is what she was feeling before. I think you're exactly right I probably should have sent her a message just saying "I'm going to give you your space and try to heal but I love you and think about you every day and that's not going to change" or something to that affect. I think now she may actually hate me, I think unfortunately the damage may be done..it's just really sad..In the 6 years we were together I had never seen a side of her that could be cruel. Of course I don't want to post every detail on an open forum, but I will say that "the stuff" that she's threatening to throw away..it really would be *Cruel* if she did that.
Hopeful714 Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 She's hurting! You left for a month with no reason. For all she knows...you could have been out with another girl. You basically disappeared and that is not acceptable or respectful to her. Again...if you want her NOW is the time to repair this. But again....she may really be done in which case you will need to learn a lesson the hard way.
Author Billyjo Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 She's hurting! You left for a month with no reason. For all she knows...you could have been out with another girl. You basically disappeared and that is not acceptable or respectful to her. I didn't know what to do, it seemed like she wanted her space and everyone says when you beg and plead the dumper just starts to see you as pathetic and that's a turn off..I just wanted her to see me as the person she fell in love with (confident, funny, attractive). It's so tough to do the "right thing" if you've never been in the situation before..I thought leaving her alone was respecting her. I guess I really f'ed up ...I definitely think it's too late now considering she ignored every message I sent today and just responded with the 3 days thing.
Bluem Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Dude no offense but if my ex was trying to talk to me other than just getting his stuff, I would ignore him too. If someone treats you badly you just don't want to be friends with them. I think you're looking for more than just why she's acting this way, and she can see that you're trying to reconcile. She's not interested and is trying to stand firm on her ground. Just because she's not being friendly doesn't mean she's holding power above you - she doesn't want you. If you think the "way" she's doing this is vicious, don't talk to her if that's exactly what she wants. Saying you "love and care" about someone doesn't mean anything after you've treated them a certain way after awhile because your words lose value and they lose interest. 1
XKatieX Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. At least there was a valid reason for acting the way you did. Depression is a disorder that basically takes over us, sometimes we have no control over it. The only way we can rid of it is try to fix what's causing the depression or get professional help. Get help, give it some time. Once she sees that you are giving the effort, I believe she will come around. Right now she is still hurting, but time is really the only thing that can heal. If she really loves you she will be understanding and stick with you no matter what.
coffeebean201 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Sounds like some miscommunication. Just go pick up the stuff. If you need more time to do it right - eg all of the stuff - , tell her a better deadline, e.g. 1 week.
KraftDinner Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 When you went NC, did you ever ignore her in any way? (Btw, you keep repeating that you loved her but if you took her for granted and treated her badly, that doesn't sound like she would actually feel loved at all.)
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