NC - the topic of the day

[bigalagain]

Seems like there are a lot of threads regarding NC lately, and I thought it would help (me) to sort through some of the the ideas so here it goes.

 

There are variations on the type and reasons for NC or so it seems to me. I say that in part because in my case NC was requested by WS and she reinforced it recently (or her BS did, long story). So am I in NC? Yes. Did I decide to do it to end the A, heal, move on, whatever? No. Is it helping me? At this point yes. It was easy for most of the last week (not so much the week before) because it is pretty clear to me that with her confessing to the A to her BS and them working on R, I am not exactly poised to get her back.

 

On the other hand, some folks here imposed their own NC in order to regain their sanity and their lives. Issuing that msg to the WS can make THEM (the WS) go through all the wishing, hoping and slipping. At least it seems that is happening in some cases. This makes it harder if WS keeps trying to get ahold of you and you have to stay strong and block all avenues.

 

In the third version, the WS gets caught and issues NC because their BS has told them to or they have volunteered it, throwing OM/OW under the bus to save their own a$$. They may, or may not, want it, and if they don't, they try to find a way to break it. In that case the OW/OM is in the same limbo as they were in the A, assuming they are aware that WS was doing this but not wanting to. Once again, WS probably tries to break NC at some point and OW/OM has to be strong.

 

I suppose in some sense the cause of NC doesn't change the effects, but for me at least, the fact that it was handed to me and reinforced after that makes it somewhat easier because anytime I feel bad or wishing for something I can just remember that I am the POS to her (and her H) who has messed up their lives and there's nothing for me to cling to. She's not wishing to hear from me. She's wishing I didn't exist.

 

Granted, we don't really know anything about WS or their marriage or what is happening right now. But for me, it seems that whatever is going on it definitely excludes me in the sense of continued relations, contact or whatever.

[Summer Breeze]

Two things. One is that you need to keep in mind the reality of who the 'POS' that ruined their lives is. Her. The WS is the one who has control over what happens in their life and what they allow into it and into their M. I don't care if you chased her for 20 years across every continent. Her decision to proceed caused her to be where she is and him to be where he is.

 

The other is that you're right about what's going on in their M. You are excluded but you need to turn that around. She's now excluded from your life. She could be wondering every minute of the day what you're doing and since you're a single guy that could be a lot of stuff. Live your life and think of her on the outside trying to look in.

 

Hang tough. You'll be fine. Keep posting in here when you feel weak.

[bigalagain]

Thanks Summer. I was not implying that I characterized myself as the POS. Just saying that's what they have in mind (granting that I have no idea what they have in mind). It is of course always possible that she's wondering every single day what I am up to and since I am single I could be knee deep in other women, but I doubt it.

 

We have not been in a PA for a very long time, and we have had the roller coaster of EA closeness for years so there have been long stretches when we were not close, although we worked together and had FB and all that so I guess we were always been able to monitor and now we can't.

 

I do sincerely hope that was has happened is she has finally taken steps about deciding what she wants and working on whatever changes for her and the M are necessary. I don't really know obviously. It is not always easy, but taking the position that she is a person from my past (like some GF from decades ago) who I knew and enjoyed but is long gone is best for me.I'm sure I'll be fine but there are still potential pot holes in the road ahead that I am trying to be prepared for.

[Summer Breeze]

Sorry about that. I misunderstood. You're right it is tough. I ended things with DMM when I'd had enough and I had moments when I wanted nothing more than to send him a message that I was in again and how much I missed him. I journalled and I was able to talk to friends. I knew I left the situation because I wasn't happy and going back would have made it even worse.

 

Did you ever want more from her? Were you looking for a happily ever after or were you content for the A to continue? Are you keeping any avenue of communication open? An email address or your cell number? I know she started NC but have you made sure you can enforce it too? I'm not saying whether or not you should, I want to get a feel for your thoughts on your situation and where your head is at if that's ok.

[bigalagain]

To clarify how things have gone for us, the first year was a PA and in the first 6 months or so there was a feeling (mutual I think) that we were going to be together. But a variety of factors came into play, and out of guilt about what I was doing I cut her off. She was insane with heartbreak and chased like crazy, but I found it easy to stay cold. We worked together and we eventually got to back to fairly calm relations, but I couldn't let it go and neither could she so every so often we'd start up, going to lunch every day, talking all day, an occasional kiss or something similar. Then we'd drift for awhile (often prompted by BS acting suspicious), then back again. At that point I was content, or so I thought, with the A. I figured I didn't want or need a full time relationship and as long as I didn't cross certain lines, it was ok. That went on for maybe 3 years.

 

Then about a year ago, she suddenly and without explanation went NC. She never expressed that was what she was doing, she just avoided me like the plague. It ate me up inside, and I realized finally that I did not want an A. I wanted the whole enchilada, and the time had come to say so. She finally warmed up after a month or two and we really got close again, but I said nothing. Instead, we went through another round of distance based on BS actions, and then another round of closeness which abruptly stopped with a complete NC again. This time, I finally managed to corner her a week or two in and asked why and she told me that she had confessed all to the H (everything, she repeated over and over, even the PA) and she was quitting and saving her family and she promised BS never to speak to me again. After a week or so of that, I admit to getting her to talk to me again just by being "normal" and chatty and we started daily conversations, none of them concerning the A her marriage or anything important. We were off for a week, and when we got back BS came to see me! I won't describe what happened (nothing violent) but he reiterated that NC was in place and I said fine with me. That was two weeks ago. NC ever since.

 

Long story, short answer is that yes, at times, especially in the last year, I wanted more. No I have not blocked anything. We still work together (till the end of the month, she gave notice). Our jobs intertwine fairly closely but we have managed not to see each other. I have had a few strictly work e-mails, that I answered strictly as work. Some of them (in my mind) were not necessary, but I take nothing from that. I have initiated no work contact at all, figuring a few things can slide until she is gone if necessary. She blocked me on FB. For all I know she blocked my phone and private e-mail as well, but I never tried to find out. I'm not blocking hers. I don't think it is necessary because, once again, I don't think she's going to try reaching out and I don't intend to, but that is one of the potential pot holes I mentioned. The other is the odds of not laying eyes on each other for the next month at work are low, but I'll do my best. If I do see her, I know its going to tear me up, but there's not much I can do to prevent it completely. I can't take time off right now.

[Summer Breeze]

You're doing the right things and in all honesty all you can do is wait for time to work it's magic. You know you're not going to break NC and you're sure she isn't so this is it. Her H has been to see you and she's leaving her job so it appears that she's serious about it, as she should be if she's reconciling. With all that I'd agree that it's over. It sounds like you have a grasp on it and are coping pretty well. I'm really sorry you're going through this. I know from experience it's tough.

 

I don't know if you have any real questions or are looking for support in your weak moments. I hope you can get through the month relatively painfree and then maybe it'll be easier when she's gone. I think the first day with her gone will be difficult for you. You might want to prepare for that as much as you can. I'd probably also quietly miss her last day of work. That way if there are any parties for her you don't have to subject yourself. To me it would also be a clear message you're letting go graciously and not looking to make things complicated.

 

Good luck with it Al.

[bigalagain]

Thanks Summer. The going away party does weigh on my mind a bit. It will be hard to not go, but it is probably for the best. The first day she will no longer be there also happens to be my birthday, so I got that going for me;)

 

I see this in stages right now. Christmas, New Years, her gone, my birthday, Valentines, her birthday. Hurdles to cross, one at a time with is much support built into them as I can muster.

 

And I do need support from time to time. I find coming here and similar places helps on occasion because I can see the pain OW/OM's go through when they think they can get the WS all for themselves and they can't. I know I don't want that pain anymore. I can also see married people in recovery after D day feeling so many hard things, but mostly united in their treatment of the OM/OW as a non entity which allows me to feel for her and her H and hope they can work through it and helps me clarify what I represent to the marriage. It helps me detach to know the hard facts about A's.

 

But I have my days. I often convince myself that they are doing no real work in their marriage, just HB and him spending huge wads of cash on anything she ever wanted, repeating a dynamic that was not allowing their marriage to grow in the first place. As others have pointed out, I don't know anything about their marriage, especially now and my assumptions are mostly for me to feel better.

 

I also have days of knowing how much I was at most a crutch to her, and never as important as her own happiness. That's pretty hard to take, but it helps. I can usually imagine her as not the perfect soul mate I thought she was, although we were close and the loss of friendship is hard.

 

Recently, I can counter low feelings with these kinds of thoughts and ultimately with the deep realization that it is over, that her actions show clearly what I mean (or rather don't mean) to her. If I really need strength, I can extend that to the idea that I never meant crap to her, true or not. Also, I know that there is no possibility of a real relationship with her, and never was. No matter how much I wanted that not to be true,

 

A part of me would like to go chasing some other women to heal, but I know that's unwise and I refrain (mostly ).

[todreaminblue]

No contact sucks...hate no contact... shoot me now

[Summer Breeze]

You're doing all the things you should be doing. You seem to have a grasp on what will trigger you and prepare for it the best way you can. At some point you'll be in the middle of one of those days and realize you didn't plan anything at all. It snuck up on you and wasn't a trigger till you were reminded of it by being in the middle of that day.

 

You sound like a decent guy and she's lucky you're staying clear and letting her concentrate on what she needs to take care of. You continue doing the same for yourself too. You're like the poster boy for how to take care of yourself post A!

 

Are you going to take your birthday off too? I think you should. Do something to spoil yourself or if you have any special women in your life; mother, sister, daughter, niece then you should take them out as you would have your MW. Or have a little party for yourself. Start a new tradition.

[bigalagain]

I can't take my birthday off due to work constraints. I do have a lot of close friends, a few are in the know and I have been trying to be active with them to keep myself on an even keel.

 

I was a mess for the first month (not that I am any kind of rock now ), but I didn't come here then. Otherwise you would have seen from me what everyone goes through. I am not a poster child, but I have been through a divorce and learned a few lessons about what to do when a relationship ends and the hope is gone, including thought stopping, getting out and doing things, planning things for a new life that you want and not believing you are doomed to be alone.

 

The biggest thing I learned was that helping other people and sending your love to those who need it is the best way to heal, at least for me. Years of that did wonders for me, and made me quite the hot commodity among potential romantic partners. It was my mistake that I did it with someone who I was attracted to and who was unavailable and then with full knowledge jumped into bed with her. One of my many problems right now is my knight in shining armor complex and my real desire to still try to help her. The good news is I know that letting her go is the best form of help. The bad news is I really want to hear all about what's going on, offer sympathetic support and a strong voice of reason. Our usual dynamic. Ah well

 

It's funny that the only woman I never tried to rescue was my XW, and we got married and were happy for quite a long time. Ultimately we weren't successful, but she did break a pattern in a way that should have been a lesson to me.

 

What I have learned from the A is that it is not true, as I once thought, that I don't want a committed and complete relationship in my life. It's a bit hard right now to resist the urge to go looking for one right away (timing would be bad).

[bigalagain]

No contact sucks...hate no contact... shoot me now

 

If I had a dollar for every time I thought exactly that

[bigalagain]

Just to jot down some feelings...Another work day went by with my successfully avoiding contact. Some co-workers mentioned things to me because they don't know any better and that has given me information I don't want (I don't want any information about her at all really, but this was about things she has said to them about her marriage and her plans, including having another baby), but that was to be expected given the nature of the day at work with lots of people back from holiday vacations and just talking with one another. I can't very well say "don't mention anything about her to me" to these people, many of whom have grown to think of us (she and I) as the best of friends.

 

Also, she repeated a pattern today that she has displayed a couple of times in the last week or two. She'll send me work e-mails shortly after quitting time. The msgs are ostensibly about work, but they are in fact pointless and unnecessary. Today's were CC'ing me about something that there was no serious reason for me to know. A part of me wanted to reply "Hey. I'd appreciate it if you'd leave me off any emails unless they are strictly necessary", but I changed my mind because that would actually violate my own NC policy which includes never, ever initiating any communication whatsoever. It bugs me mostly because that sort of unnecessary but supposedly work-related communication has always been our modus operandi when we were feeling around about starting things up again. I don't think that's what she is doing. Even if she is, I am not biting. But it is a trigger.

[bigalagain]

Another round of work e-mails today with the same pattern. After working hours, ridiculous content (a cc on something I don't need to know followed immediately by the exact same message with the addition of "Sorry, forgot to copy you on this". Um no, you just did). She e-mails legitimate work stuff during the day.

 

I am trying hard not to to worry about this, but man it is hard not to speculate. If she's reaching out, it's the worst form of it I could imagine. I have to just assume that she's really distracted, emotional and confused and it represents nothing but her current, addled state of mind right now.

 

But man is it hard not to give some kind of answer, strictly in work terms of course.

[bigalagain]

The last two days have been a struggle for no real reason. I knew in advance that there would be ups and downs in my mood, but that doesn't help much when you are in a down. When you think of them constantly and build all the sandcastles and can't seem to break the habit. I am in no danger of breaking NC, and I need to get back to the place where I know just what her actions say about how little I mean to her. But sometimes that's hard place to find.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

I am sorry you are going through this.

I work with my X?MM and I'm doing my best to not have to see him, but I'll randomly turn a corner and there he'll be despite my best efforts. It's difficult. But, it's good for you that she gave notice and it won't last much longer.

 

But I know all about the over-analyzing details and it running through your brain all day of what every little thing means (like the emails). It's exhausting. Good luck.

[bigalagain]

Thanks greyhound. I spent the morning low and then inexplicably perked up after lunch. Don't know why, but I am glad. Got another round of e-mails late in the day,this time about a month old work issue and a thanks about info. she asked for. She sent thanks twice, one about 2 minutes after the other but with different wording.

 

Who knows? Probably hoping for some kind of normalcy between us. Lord knows I would like that too, but it's hardly consistent with the strict NC rule imposed upon me two weeks ago.