lvd2fish Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I'm new here, looking to find some input so thanks to those who take the time to read and respond. I've been married for 13 years, 3 kids and my wife is a stay at home mom. She takes great care of the house and kids, no complaints there. She has never really been an affectionate person but man the well is dry these last few years. She is quiet a lot, if she's upset about something I have to dig it out of her. No communication... Since kids there has been very little sexual activity and if there is I initiated and she is very much being "inconvenienced". For the last year now, she has been battling some female issues. recurring UTI or interstitial cystitis (sp?). While I understand she is sick and would never expect anything sexual if it causes any discomfort, it comes across from her as a relief of some responsibility. She no longer owes any obligatory sex. I'm too young for my sex life to be over... but am also not going to be the monster who makes an issue of this while she is sick. I asked her if she missed our alone time or intimacy... (she doesn't seem to care AT ALL that it's gone) Her answer is "I can't imagine anything being near me right now if that's what you're asking for". No in fact I was not asking for sex... I was trying to find out if she genuinely missed the physical attention you only get form your spouse...Did she miss passion, connection... anything! I guess I got my answer. It's beyond sexual though... she stays mad at me, mostly about trivial things. She yells at me a lot, if I missunderstand somthing or turn the worng way. If I ask a question that she feels was dumb I get answered like I am a moran and spoken to like a 1st grader. It's degrading and there is no respect! I never feel good enough despite earning a good living and providing for us very well. I try to stay in shape and treat her quite right, hoping for the same in return. I'm just loosing my self esteem here and my mind, not feeling cared for at all. She says she loves me but actions speak louder than words. She LIVES on FB and her I-phone. That alone drive me batty! I'd like to work things out I guess but for the life of me I can't find an ounce of "give a damn" in her.
TaraMaiden Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 (Have you got a FB account? Might be worth getting one....) Respect. She has none. This is what I have to say on the matter: A Relationship is a 50/50 responsibility thing, and both partners are 100% responsible for the care, maintenance, polishing and upkeep of their part. There is no imbalance here, just as there cannot be only one member in a relationship of two. It's clean down the middle... Please note: 'Responsibility' is different to 'blame'.....Blame can be massively disproportional. Being in a relationship isn't always about who is right or wrong. There's huge give and take, and as partners, we are not here to validate the worth of the other person, or hold up their ego. That person should find worth and validation within themselves - FOR themselves. That said, 'Compromise is the road to ruin' because too much of it inevitably means that one partner will remain slightly jaded and disappointed. Relationships are sustained by three important, vital and co-dependent factors: They are in fact, like the tripod supporting the fragile porcelain dish within the laboratory.... These three, inseparable and co-effective factors are: Communication (effective and constructive) Respect (For self and partner) Trust. If one of these is damaged, bent or broken, the other two - with the best will and effort in the world - cannot function effectively to hold the relationship up on their own, or even as a pair... Which do you see as damaged, and which do you see to be in good order? 1
standtall Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 (edited) LV...this could be a lot of things, but you are too young to be celibate, and she needs to take care of herself physically. The physical issues that you have described all have treatments and preventative techniques. She should be pursuing all of them..for her benefit and yours. Also, there are things that you two can do that are not intercourse...you should suggest them. Now, enough about her. By your post it sounds like you are being repectful and nice to her, but are you being the man that you ought to in the relationship and earning her respect? You know..laying off of the porn, xbox, drinking, golfing, etc..and doing those things in a controlled manner? Being married requires a lot of work from both parties...you must keep yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally attractive to your wife throughout your marriage, and she must as well. Do a self evaluation to make sure your holding up your end of the bargain first, then if that is good, then help your wife. Edited January 7, 2013 by standtall
Mr. Lucky Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I'm new here, looking to find some input so thanks to those who take the time to read and respond. Have you spoken to your wife about Marriage Counseling? What was your relationship like during courtship and when you were first married? Mr. Lucky
TiredFamilyGuy Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 OP - TaraMaiden has it down. Communication, Respect, Trust ... and then some Love. There are ways to be sexual with you without hurting an injury of hers ... if she cares enough for your needs to do them. The caring is missing, and that's the significant part. Faultfinding, and lack of respect are not acceptable. She evidently gets her intimate emotional connections on FB & phone - this is not acceptable. But "no consequences for actions = no reason to change" and you are going to have to make it very uncomfortable for her to get her to pay some attention to this. As you are evidently non-confrontational it will be difficult for you too, but it is the only way.
marianne123 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Is she depressed? Shutting out the world with her fb visits and iphone? My hubby too asks me that q sometimes - if i miss imtimacy, being close and all that and I guess I've sort of got into a routine of not showing much tlc as I'm resentful about a lot of issues between us. If she's anything like me then I can't say - yes, I miss it as there are so many things that need to be resolved way before I can 'feel it' in my head, least of all my body. What's your gut feeling, do you have one?
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