Move On or Get Her Back?

[sparklesboy]

Hello! Like others present here I will tell you a story and hoping to find some peace!

 

I met this wonderful girl during vacation. In the beginning we spent a lot of time together. We went out with friends, to bars, restaurants, movies or just stayed home, cooking or sleeping. It was very fun, beautiful and we laid the foundations of a serious relationship.

 

After about 2 months we started having small problems, fights with various subjects that made tension between us.

She was a moody, selfish and stubborn girl that hardly admit is not right. So we had some strange arguments on that matter (note that i don't consider myself perfect).

 

She was student in the final year at a hard college and became very stressed. So she started to pay more attention to school than to the relationship. This started to create more tension between us because I was so emotionally involved that I did not see what was actually important to her (school and resting). Although I had a job I just wanted so much to spend time with her but also I didn't wanted to get her mad. She became very pretentious desiring that the little time we spend together should be worth. Soon after she became unhappy with my ideas, said that she don't appreciate boys with tiny initiative and finally started to say we don't have a future together. Meanwhile I was trying to give the space needed but also become very insecure thinking that whatever I do it's not enough to please her.

 

Before New Year's eve we talked to spend the night together but she told me that is very tired, stressed and is more likely to sleep each to his house (?)... That bothered me greatly because I told her many times we should spend the night together.

When some friends invited us to a party I told her I wanted to go trying to challenge her to choose me instead of sleeping but she said: It's ok I will stay at home but you can go alone without any problems...

 

On the New Year's eve I called her to mention one more time how important is for me to spend the night with her instead of going to that party. She said it's too late for that because it's been a day (?) and anyway she wants to breakup with me because she do not have time for a relationship and she is too stressed to enjoy time with me. I tried to say something to change her mind, but she was very determined, she also said that she can't say how much she love me anymore and that she's 90% sure this is what she wants.

 

So I left her alone!

 

Later i got an email from her telling that she's feeling a lot of pressure in her life, that she can't enjoy anything and needs a break (a break from what?). She enjoyed that i was understanding to what she had to say, and hopes that i will be fine, and finally wished me Happy New Year.

I replied saying: Happy New Year and all the best.

At midnight I sent her a text and I wished happy new year, and she thanked me.

 

I am not sure what I want next. I love her with all my body&soul but while a part of me wants her back, the other wants to move on.

I understand that her future is important and since she's the one who left me I don't know what can I do to change her mind.

My only action would be to continue with the NC trying to move on..and maybe someday she will get in contact (or not).

[soon it will be her birthday and i find it rude not to text her]

 

Any advice or opinions?

 

p.s. Excuse my errors.. English is not my native language.

Edited January 6, 2013 by sparklesboy

[Yatesrow]

I'm in a very similar situation. The parallels are frightening.

 

It seems to be the consensus around here that absolute NC is the best way to go. I, however, believe that since you two didn't end bitterly that contact should continued sparingly and not at regular intervals. In addition, it should contain light, friendly messages with no mention of reconcilition. Let it be as if you're just friends, as hard as it is, and perhaps, after she's past whatever caused the stress, she may remember, regret and start showing interest again.

 

Edit: after reading homebrews advice in the sticky. Take what I said with a grain of salt. My experience is limited and I'm actually glad I read the post.

 

GL

Edited January 6, 2013 by Yatesrow

[sparklesboy]

NC for 7 days!

So i was talking with a mutual friend that told me..she doesn't think i care about us anymore (after all that she said to me??).

 

Should i break NC with a text like: Hey how are you blabla ??

[sydneylovesyou123]

Going through something similar. Actually I'm in your shoes, and my guy is like her. So stressed with everything that is going on to the point where that stress defines him. Stress does a number of things to you and your body...very unhealthy things. It really does sound like she is spiraling into a depression, just like my guy. The fact that she just wanted to stay home, not spend it with her friends, etc, definitely shows something. It's not that she doesn't wanna spend time with just you, she doesn't wanna spend time with anyone. She just wants to sleep...a major sign of depression. I know what you are feeling. You feel helpless...you want to try to help, but she doesn't seem to appreciate it or you for that matter. Yet, when you don't talk, she feels like you don't care anymore. It's like a never ending battle. My best advice, and I am taking that advice too...Go and have fun yourself; you seem to be in a better position than she is right now. Doesn't mean you have to hook up and move on very quickly...it just means you love her enough to let her figure herself out. I think you should call her up and say that you do care about her and love her very much. It seems as though she is going through a difficult time in her life and that if she needs you, you are there. Tell her that she needs to figure out her stuff, and be happy herself before she can even think about making someone else happy. Tell her you can't promise you won't be moving on while she is figuring things out, but at least she knows you care and she can turn to you if she needs to. I think you both just need some space away from each other. Stress does crazyyyyyy things and makes people behave in ways we didn't think were possible.

 

Like my situation, she may be the right one for you, but it's the wrong time. Let her come to you if she needs you. But in the meantime, have fun and enjoy everything life has to offer!

[sparklesboy]

The NC was broken (for e bit).

 

I went to talk with her in person and get off all the things I had to say.

 

We talked about all the things that bothered us and she made it clear that at this time we can not be together as a couple.

She also said we could stay (just) friends for a while with the possibility to get out on dates and see how it works.

 

I'm fine with it the way it is but I'll try not to hope too much and get on with my life.

[Toddbt12y1]

You can be surprised at how hard it is to maintain friendships with former lovers. Sounds like she wants to reboot and take things at a very slow and casual level(referring to about e post.) After all she said, no?

 

If you feel as though you can do this, without hurting, do as you please. Plenty of people are friends with their exes...plenty not so too.

 

Either case, move on,as you say. Wait for only a short while...do not wait forever, especially if she starts dating other people. As that would mean fall back Guy. Give yourself a time table to try it her way...slowly, a few dates. If it doesn't work, or you feel hurt still:

 

NC and move on.

[Samilia]

Hello! Like others present here I will tell you a story and hoping to find some peace!

 

I met this wonderful girl during vacation. In the beginning we spent a lot of time together. We went out with friends, to bars, restaurants, movies or just stayed home, cooking or sleeping. It was very fun, beautiful and we laid the foundations of a serious relationship.

 

After about 2 months we started having small problems, fights with various subjects that made tension between us.

She was a moody, selfish and stubborn girl that hardly admit is not right. So we had some strange arguments on that matter (note that i don't consider myself perfect).

 

She was student in the final year at a hard college and became very stressed. So she started to pay more attention to school than to the relationship. This started to create more tension between us because I was so emotionally involved that I did not see what was actually important to her (school and resting). Although I had a job I just wanted so much to spend time with her but also I didn't wanted to get her mad. She became very pretentious desiring that the little time we spend together should be worth. Soon after she became unhappy with my ideas, said that she don't appreciate boys with tiny initiative and finally started to say we don't have a future together. Meanwhile I was trying to give the space needed but also become very insecure thinking that whatever I do it's not enough to please her.

 

Before New Year's eve we talked to spend the night together but she told me that is very tired, stressed and is more likely to sleep each to his house (?)... That bothered me greatly because I told her many times we should spend the night together.

When some friends invited us to a party I told her I wanted to go trying to challenge her to choose me instead of sleeping but she said: It's ok I will stay at home but you can go alone without any problems...

 

On the New Year's eve I called her to mention one more time how important is for me to spend the night with her instead of going to that party. She said it's too late for that because it's been a day (?) and anyway she wants to breakup with me because she do not have time for a relationship and she is too stressed to enjoy time with me. I tried to say something to change her mind, but she was very determined, she also said that she can't say how much she love me anymore and that she's 90% sure this is what she wants.

 

So I left her alone!

 

Later i got an email from her telling that she's feeling a lot of pressure in her life, that she can't enjoy anything and needs a break (a break from what?). She enjoyed that i was understanding to what she had to say, and hopes that i will be fine, and finally wished me Happy New Year.

I replied saying: Happy New Year and all the best.

At midnight I sent her a text and I wished happy new year, and she thanked me.

 

I am not sure what I want next. I love her with all my body&soul but while a part of me wants her back, the other wants to move on.

I understand that her future is important and since she's the one who left me I don't know what can I do to change her mind.

My only action would be to continue with the NC trying to move on..and maybe someday she will get in contact (or not).

[soon it will be her birthday and i find it rude not to text her]

 

Any advice or opinions?

 

p.s. Excuse my errors.. English is not my native language.

 

My opinion leave it alone. She broke up, as you're smart enough to understand it. Even if her reasons for this "break" were true, running after her right now would only make it worse. I don't know why she suggested going on dates as friends, I would stay away from that, that wouldn't make her change her mind, and you'd go puppy mode, not good either.

Edited January 8, 2013 by Samilia