Author brandx Posted August 20, 2004 Author Posted August 20, 2004 Originally posted by fanou22 brandx, From what I have read so far, I would say that the older you are going to get the more insecure your wife is going to be. You had mentioned she is older than you right? Your wife does not seem to have gotten over her divorce. I wonder how she would react to the idea that you might leave her which in a way may be causing her present insecurities. Something to that effect is very correct. My wife has never gotten over many things in her life, much of which has nothing to do with me, but has prevented us from connecting. Other things are clearly between us. You want to be the best parent, I don't believe you can do so by living in a loveless unhappy marriage. I believe in setting the love example for children. I don't think you will be able to show her that being in the marriage that you are in. You are correct here. Realizing this has helped me continue to be honest in this situation. I also admire you for wanting to work on your marriage. Do you have a time frame in your mind? I think you could start from there and see where it goes. It is not an issue to be resolved within the next few days or even weeks. How long are you willing to sacrifice your happiness?????? I would sacrifice as long as we were talking openly, honestly on a more or less daily basis and working through this. I want to talk through all of this until we feel we are done, one way or the other. Unfortunately I was more or less given a Labor Day deadline last night, 3 days into the discussions. I have to respect that, but I will err on the side of my gut feeling here. If I am forced to make a decision, my marriage is over. As far as being fair to the OW. You should cut all contacts with her no matter what a good friend and listener she might be. You need to give her the chance to meet someone else and go on with her life. As long as you are in contact she will never be able to do so. Don't hold her back, don't accept her waiting for you. Let her go and wish her all the happiness. Once you become available again, you can seek her and see whether she is available and whether you two can have a good relationship. This is probably the main weakness in all of this; the area where others say I should act differently and I don't. I have been open with her. Told her there is not love and cannot be for a long, long time, if ever. That I think she is a great friend and a great person. That she should not wait for me and should find someone who is single; that if it is right we will find each other some day. That there is only downside for her in being my friend. That I at anytime would walk away if I felt conflict about whether she was a distraction. She has chosen to remain friends. I know the dangers here. I also know the fact that we are likely kidding ourselves in some ways. But we are both adults and have to live with our own decisions. I can't make her admit something she says is not there. Originally posted by Quilly brandx, It does sound like you've already decided what you want but I respect you're wanting to make certain it's the right decision. You'll know when you are ready to take the next step. Your ability and willingness to explore and understand yourself and your relationship better is impressive. When you find someone that shares that same desire, you'll have a wonderful, lasting relationship... just make sure you're both single at the time . Best of luck! Thank you. I feel more every day that I already know what I want. In fact I do know, the problem is I want to give my marriage a chance to develop or find the things that it never had the chance to before. Honestly, I hope to find someone some day, whether it be my wife or someone else. But, in the end, for the first time in a long time I hope, and that is what counts. Having been honest with myself, I finally hope for a life where I do not have the rock in my gut that exists when you are not being honest with your self and do not even realize it. Never again. I'll gladly be alone before that. I am finally understanding how to truly value myself and in turn be able to give better of myself because of that to my daughter and anyone else who might be right. Thank you both so much for your posts. BrandX PS -- lovesucks .. I posted in response to your current thread, so check there
kiababy Posted August 21, 2004 Posted August 21, 2004 Brandx, I started reading your background story in the Marriage/Divorce forum and was struck by one thing: you got married at age 22. Maybe it's not so much that the OW is 'the ONE', but that you've now matured enough to know what you want, And it isn't your wife. p.s. I didn't read every single post in this thread so if you covered this point already, please for give me.
beautiful Posted August 21, 2004 Posted August 21, 2004 BrandX.........I read your posts and this is what I feel. This is about YOU! Forget everything else. It takes to be very honest with yourself and wanting to make some serious changes within YOU. It will take counseling and being totally dedicated to yourself. It means to not be in a relationship for some time until you are OK! If you do not make those changes you will remain in this drama for the rest of your life buddy. This will repeat itself with every woman you are going to be with and yes, the girl you cheating with , she won't be the last. If she is smart, she will run for the hills. Your wife and the girl you cheating with have nothing to do with this. You are acting out some serious issues here. You say you being honest with them..............................you forgot one person................yourself! 2 weeks, I assure you that you are not in love nor love this woman you are cheating with. You are in lust just as you were in lust when you married your wife. Maybe this is not what you want to hear( in this case read) however the truth to be known......................you know! You are being very selfish in this situation. Make some changes and start with you! God Speed
Author brandx Posted August 21, 2004 Author Posted August 21, 2004 Thank you both for your replies. I agree with both of you. I was too young. This is about me. I have freely admitted that this is not about OW, but about me and what I need in a relationship. There isn't enough feeling for OW to be love, or even lust. I think she is great and a very nice person, but quite frankly, I am adult enough to know that I don;t know here enough to even care for her more than simply as a human being who is kind. Honestly, I have basically backed away from that to handle my marriage; it never got far enough to interfere and I did not want it to get anywhere near that. After I handle me, I will look at what else is out there. As for now, I feel stronger than I ever have. This is very hard on my wife. I am talking with her and trying very hard to be open and honest without hurting her or making her feel like she is to blame, but she wants there to be blame and feels like I am doing this to her. She cannot understand that this is just something that has always been there and I have been keeping it inside of me and now that it has come out, I feel like a completely new person. I know exactly what I want out of a lifetime partner. I don't think my wife is it, but I am trying to work through issues with her because I owe her at least that after 7.5 years. Just because she could not see exactly what was in front of her or what she was doing to me does not mean I want to just run away. If for nothing else, I will try to work it out for my daughter. But THIS time, if we cannot find a common ground that I find acceptable, it will be over. I will be healthier for it, and whether my wife realizes this or not, so will she in the long run. Wish me luck. We talk every day and night. I know she is hurting. I am beyond hurting. I just want to grow now. BrandX
littleflowerpot Posted August 21, 2004 Posted August 21, 2004 BECAUSE it's about you and not your wife or the OW, i don't really agree with others that you must tell your wife about this woman providing you are not carrying on an affair. telling your wife would hurt her more and for no real reason since you aren't leaving her for someone else. on the same token, i think you should refrain from seeing the other woman for a time after leaving your wife for everyone's benefit.
kiababy Posted August 21, 2004 Posted August 21, 2004 It's so great that you seem to have gained a new perspective on your situation, instead of trying to find some sort of justification for having an affair. You're a real man. My MM got married at 23, but; not having the strength of character you have (or maybe just more issues), he's been cheating ever since to escape his problems. Maybe when he reaches your age - he's 26 now - he'll start to do some soul-searching and make things right for all of us. I doubt I'll wait around for that to happen though. Just a thought - even if your wife does realize the marriage isn't working, it would be devastating for her to think about going through a second divorce. All the best.
anytownmama Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 I'm hoping you can give guidance as I have nowhere else to turn. I just found out that I am 5 weeks pregnant. I'm unsure who the father of the child is. For 7 months I have been having an affair with another man. We share a deep emotional, physical and spiritual connection. We truly love one another and have a history. It's not a fling. We grew up across the street from each other. We dated in college and came close to getting married. When we discussed marriage he was about to get sent to Europe for military duty. I told him it wasn't the right time and we were too young. While he was away I met my husband and we dated for 1 1/2 years and then got married and had children. The OM said he was devastated. He said he would never forget seeing me drive away from my parents house with my current husband. He truly felt that we were meant to be together. He moved on and went to law school and got married. He stayed in town and we kept in touch. He is currently representing my husband on a legal matter and they get along well. My husband does not know anything about the relationship and would be devastated if he did. I love my husband but we have been going through some difficult times and sought counseling. He is 12 years older than me and I feel that we are growing apart. He has been wanting another child for 2 years but I postponed it because I said I wanted to make sure our marriage could endure another child. He is a wonderful provider and financially I couldn't ask for more. However, he is very cold emotionally and verbally, and sometimes physically abusive. I've been working to make my marriage right until March of this year. I confided in the OM about my problems and we ended up spending more and more time together. The relationship turned physical. The OM and his wife generally have a good marriage. She is extremely passive and never questions him. I think she may know in the back of her mind that something is going on. He says he loves her but their marriage is not what he really wanted. They have been trying to get pregnant for 2 years and have IVF set up for the end of the month. The OM wants nothing more than to be a father. He is afraid that his wife is barren. This has been a sourse of extreme stress for both of them. There is a chance that my husband could be the father. According to conception charts I concieved between August 3rd and 5th. I had sex with both men during that time frame. I lay awake at night thinking about what a mess I've made. My husband knows I'm pg but has no idea that I've had an affair. I cannot tell my husband. I don't want to tell the OM. I'm so upset with myself and the decisions I've made. What a mess...I feel hopeless and don't know what to do. Any suggestions?
kiababy Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 That's so sad, I really feel for you. Since your husband already knows you're pregnant, do you have to tell him about the affair? There's a 50/50 chance it's his child anyway. Are you planning on ending things with the OM?
anytownmama Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 I know...I feel so conflicted. I will end things with the OM. I truly hope that the IVF works and they have kids. I want them to be happy. I feel like I was in a low point in my life and he (OM) filled the void. I'm still not where I need to be with my husband. He is happy about the pregnancy and is starting to go easier on me. I still have strong feelings for the OM but I don't want to let him know about the pg. He would be not be able to practice law and he would loose everything that he has worked so hard for. Is that wrong? I'm scared that I could be carrying his child and would have to live a lie for the rest of my life. We have similar features so my husband would probably never question the child but who knows. What a mess...
kiababy Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 If his wife is going for IVF shortly, now would be a bad time to let OM know about your pregnancy. They (especially her) will be undergoing enough stress. I'm glad your husband is going easier on you - but your issues with him are separate from the affair. If he's abusive, you need to take care of that! I was married to an cold, abusive SOB for 9 years so I understand what that can be like. If by working on your marriage you mean YOU are always trying to make HIM happy....forget it. He needs to work on it with you or it will never work and you'll never be happy.
littleflowerpot Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 Originally posted by kiababy If his wife is going for IVF shortly, now would be a bad time to let OM know about your pregnancy. They (especially her) will be undergoing enough stress. I'm glad your husband is going easier on you - but your issues with him are separate from the affair. If he's abusive, you need to take care of that! I was married to an cold, abusive SOB for 9 years so I understand what that can be like. If by working on your marriage you mean YOU are always trying to make HIM happy....forget it. He needs to work on it with you or it will never work and you'll never be happy. i disagree. the guy carried on an affair and if he is possibly the father then he should know it. he doesn't deserve to be shielded just because he and his wife are trying to get pregnant. why does she bear the burden alone? i don't think she should tell the man's wife but i think she definitely should tell her lover. after the baby is born, he should take a DNA test to find out if he's the father. if he is, he should support his child. if not, then move on and that's it. if possible, avoiding hurting his wife is the best thing. if he decides he should tell her, then that's up to him. he won't lose his license to practice law for having a child with another woman. i suppose he could lose it for carrying on an affair with the wife of someone he's representing but i even doubt that. still, he is the one who chose to do something ethically wrong and wrong as a lawyer to his client. as for your husband, you say he's physically abusive. why are you still there? especially if you are going to have a child? you need to divorce your husband because most abusive people never change and the level of physical violence always escalates in time. now you'll have a child there to consider and to stay would not only be putting you at high risk but your child as well. now is the time to pick yourself up by your bootstraps even though it may be painful. you have to consider yourself and your child and even the man's wife.
kiababy Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 I didn't say she should NEVER tell him, I just think she should wait. Who knows, maybe after the baby is born it will be so obviously her husband's child that it won't be an issue.
littleflowerpot Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 Originally posted by kiababy I didn't say she should NEVER tell him, I just think she should wait. Who knows, maybe after the baby is born it will be so obviously her husband's child that it won't be an issue. why does her lover need her to protect him? he's the big boy that chose to have an affair with her and have unprotected sex. so why should she wait? and how would a baby be so obviously her husband's? how does one know without a DNA test? i don't know that you can accurately tell if a baby belongs to someone based on it's looks. and she needs to dump the physically abusive husband.
kiababy Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 I'm not against ANY of your suggestions - I'm just saying she doesn't have to do everything RIGHT THIS SECOND. I notice you want everyone to solve every problem immediately; everyone does things at their own pace, it doesn't mean they're wrong ( it took you a long time to end things with your own MM, no?).She may not be strong enough to take action right away. Just an observation.
littleflowerpot Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 Originally posted by kiababy I'm not against ANY of your suggestions - I'm just saying she doesn't have to do everything RIGHT THIS SECOND. I notice you want everyone to solve every problem immediately; everyone does things at their own pace, it doesn't mean they're wrong ( it took you a long time to end things with your own MM, no?).She may not be strong enough to take action right away. Just an observation. you've noticed i want to solve every problem immediately? interesting. i think i just prefer to not waste any more time. this is especially true when it involves a baby. plus, you suggested she wait because it would be a stressful time to tell HIM right now. you are in a way suggesting she be responsible for him when he should do that for himself. my situation with my ex-attached man (not married) has nothing to do with this person's situation. this situation isn't about me but since you've correlated it to my situation i'll just say this: i've decided to stop putting off things i should take care of now because procrastinating and excuses that i wasn't strong enough just served to hurt me a lot further.
kiababy Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 You know something about therapy so let me ask you this: do therapists suggest taking immediate action in every instance, or do they advocate doing so when you're ready? I'm not being facetious, I would really like to know. Thanks!
littleflowerpot Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 Originally posted by kiababy You know something about therapy so let me ask you this: do therapists suggest taking immediate action in every instance, or do they advocate doing so when you're ready? I'm not being facetious, I would really like to know. Thanks! i have no clue what most therapists would advise but my own helped me to see that my inaction further hurt me. we can all makes excuses that we'll do things when we are ready but sometimes they are just excuses. but you are forgetting that your original suggestion she not tell the man right away was because it was a stressful time for HIM. it had nothing to do with her.
kiababy Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 You're taking it the wrong way - he can't be much support to his wife if he's a wreck. I could give a s**t about him, but any woman that has to go through IVF has enough on her plate.
anytownmama Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 Thanks for the insight. It's hard to be rational and think straight. My head is spinning. You both make some valid points and I have a lot to think about. I'm a immediate solutions type of person but I don't see this getting resolved immediately. There are so many screwed up layers I will probably have to tackle one issue at a time. The physical abuse has not happened since I told my husband I'm pregnant. He probably will continue to verbally abuse and attack me as the stress of the pregnancy hits. A large factor with the OM was the emotional support he offered. I now realize I can't depend on someone else to make me feel whole. Look at the mess it got me into. I have to be a big girl and get through this. I really appreciate the support. I cannot tell anyone about this- you have been a trememdous help.
kiababy Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 ....... I hope everything turns out alright for you and the baby, Big Hugs!
Author brandx Posted August 23, 2004 Author Posted August 23, 2004 This is very complicated. I am sorry for what you are going through, but if you look deep enough, you know more of the answers already than you probably care to admit. I have never been in your shoes quite the same way. That's the hard thing; all of our challenges are so unique and we are all here trying to connect with anyone we can to help make things easier and give us confirmation of what we feel. In the end, you are right, you have to be a big girl and handle things yourself. A few comments: 1. Run from anyone that is physically abusive. He has stopped for now; he will hit you again. It is a pattern of unhealthy behavior that does not stop just because you get pregnant. You have a responsibility to someone more than your self or husband now. Protect that child. Don;t forget, stress can have a very negative affect on a child in your womb. I am not talking about your average stress from life; verbal abuse will flow right through you to this child. 2. Go get into some counseling immediately. Tell your husband if he wants you back, he will do the same. Again, too many people are afraid of counseling because they think it labels them as crazy. That's a crock. Help take care of your own well being; counseling is a great tool for that. 3. Tell the OM your thoughts. He deserves to know. He has a responsibility to provide for the child if it is his. Have it tested after it is born. 4. Let him decide about telling his wife if the baby ends up eing his. That is truly not your concern. Yes, he should tell her, but it is up to him. I hope this helps. You have a very hard road ahead of you, but any day above ground is better than the alternative. Take it from me though; I have allowed myself to plod along silently for many years. Start making changes for a better life today. You can never get that time back. In the end, I have no one to blame but myself for not making the changes in my life to make myself happy. The sooner you start, the better. Take Care BrandX
kiababy Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 Start making changes for a better life today. You can never get that time back Damn, that's a great post! You're so right about the above Brandx. He's dead on Anytownmama - if I could change one thing about my life it would be to take back the 9 years I was married to my abusive ex.
anytownmama Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 So true...the past is over and I can't change what happened so I have to make the best of it and start making better decisions. Do I keep the secret from my husband until the child is born? Then, do a DNA test with the OM and go from there?
Author brandx Posted August 23, 2004 Author Posted August 23, 2004 Originally posted by anytownmama So true...the past is over and I can't change what happened so I have to make the best of it and start making better decisions. Do I keep the secret from my husband until the child is born? Then, do a DNA test with the OM and go from there? There is no need to tell your husband; you cannot even say for sure that he is not the father. I would wait until DNA test; you tell him now and he is going to come after you with a vengeance. If it is not his after DNA test, tell them both. I would still say leave now. Don't wait until after the baby. Be well Brand X
littleflowerpot Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 Originally posted by anytownmama Thanks for the insight. It's hard to be rational and think straight. My head is spinning. You both make some valid points and I have a lot to think about. I'm a immediate solutions type of person but I don't see this getting resolved immediately. There are so many screwed up layers I will probably have to tackle one issue at a time. The physical abuse has not happened since I told my husband I'm pregnant. He probably will continue to verbally abuse and attack me as the stress of the pregnancy hits. A large factor with the OM was the emotional support he offered. I now realize I can't depend on someone else to make me feel whole. Look at the mess it got me into. I have to be a big girl and get through this. I really appreciate the support. I cannot tell anyone about this- you have been a trememdous help. while i'm glad the physical abuse hasn't happened since you found out you are pregnant, i still know that it probably will happen again. abuse only escalates and it is extremely rare that any abuser just stops. even if he isn't physically abusing you, verbal and emotional abuse is horrible and can be just as damaging to you and your child. please take of you. btw, kiababy, i've been thinking a lot this morning about whether i should divulge something about myself but now i think maybe it's okay because it certainly shapes a lot of what i've done and what i will do in the future and my general outlook as a whole. i have cancer. i've been fighting with cancer for approximately three years. i don't ever want to waste time again making the same mistakes i made before. so it does shape my opinions, the advice i give, my beliefs and the fact that i think it's best for everyone to try to do the best things we can as quickly as possible because it is in the best interest of everyone.
Recommended Posts