The OW telling a BS who may or may not know...

[KathyM]

 

But what about the OW? I don't know if he told his wife. He said he did, but we can all see what a straight shooter this guy is. So do I have any obligation, for lack of better words, to her? Do I need to be honest?

I personally think it would be the right and honorable thing to do to confess your role in the affair to her and to apologize to her. You may also find that it has a therapeutic effect for you to send this letter and apologize to her. That's my personal opinion.

[SidLyon]

Just to highlight one section of the article I posted from a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist:

 

• Avoid secrecy. It’s important that a therapist be honest, which includes refusing to keep a partner’s secrets because doing so is tantamount to colluding with one partner against the other.

 

If an affair hasn’t yet been disclosed, Brown recommends coaching the unfaithful partner about how to broach the topic with his or her partner. If you must hold the secret while you determine how to get the unfaithful partner to talk, it should be for no more than a few weeks, Brown cautions.

 

To avoid secrets, Kollman says she generally conducts therapy sessions with the partners together rather than apart. On the occasions when she counsels one partner at a time, she informs each that whatever she is told will be revealed to the other.

 

2 comments

 

1. I just wanted to remind Sauron. From the opening post: "As a BS, whether you may know it or not, would you want my apology letter?"

 

The OP is asking BSs for their responses, or at the very least people who are able to put themselves in the shoes of a BS. Your nasty remarks to posters for being BS seems a little weird and bullying.

 

2. Re the bolded in Kathy's post above. This wouldn't be Emily Brown would it? The expert that is frequently cited as advising WHs to wait until they are ready before telling the truth to their BWs. I'm fairly sure we have posters here who believe that Brown recommends waiting for years, whereas apparently it's weeks at most.

[buckeyeblue]

Just_a_poster, awesome post to Sauron!! What an a** he is!

[ow9]

Ha! So true... but after reading his previous threads he's A LOT like the ex MM, and thus, the reason I'm terrified to send the letter. I know there's two sides to every story but it sure makes this nonsense much more difficult.

[wanting more]

Who sent an apology (a very sincere apology). If I knew then what i know now, I don't think I'd have sent it. xMM BW still text my SO to this day trying to prove to him (my SO) her husband and probably herself that the A was all my fault.

 

I felt at the time I did what I needed to for myself and for her, but I think it would've been better just to disappear, let xMM throw me under the bus and keep driving it over me.

 

I know this doesn't happen in all cases but my opinion would be let it go.

[bentnotbroken]

Who sent an apology (a very sincere apology). If I knew then what i know now, I don't think I'd have sent it. xMM BW still text my SO to this day trying to prove to him (my SO) her husband and probably herself that the A was all my fault.

 

I felt at the time I did what I needed to for myself and for her, but I think it would've been better just to disappear, let xMM throw me under the bus and keep driving it over me.

 

I know this doesn't happen in all cases but my opinion would be let it go.

 

 

Question...why haven't you and your husband changed your numbers, just curious?

[wanting more]

I think he enjoys the drama actually. I think he likes knowing she's keeping tabs on xMM so he doesnt have to

[bentnotbroken]

I think he enjoys the drama actually. I think he likes knowing she's keeping tabs on xMM so he doesnt have to

 

 

Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

[my friend's OW said this too. It baffles her. How could you do that and NOT intend to hurt? You intended for him to leave her for you, so just own that you meant to hurt her but you're sorry now. I think this sentence just doesn't make any sense.

I would say, I didn't set out to hurt you, but obviously I did, selfishly. My actions and choices were not malcious though or intentionally to hurt you - I just didn't think at all.

 

Or something along those lines.

 

MFH70, great post.

[ow9]

Oh my goodness, thank you all so much for taking the time to “edit away!”* I woke up this morning and I have to be honest, all I thought was, “Sending this letter is SUCH a bad idea.”* Especially after reading your reply, MFH70.* I know you and your friend can’t figure out how I never thought of her, but I didn’t.* Probably why your friend’s letter said the same thing.* She wasn’t real to me; until it was over.* It’s very hard to explain.* My exMM never wore a ring, he only spoke to her on the phone when I wasn’t present, and the few words he did say about her, were either badmouthing, or reassuring me that he was leaving her. I’ve never even seen a picture of her.

 

The problem is I don’t have an explanation for a lot of the things I want to tell the BS.* I do know, though, that I am DONE lying.* What possible good came from the last year?* Nothing.* Two women who know nothing about each other got hurt…and that’s it.*

 

I truly believe she doesn’t know; he never told her.* And I am sick over the fact that an apology (and yes, I REALLY AM SORRY!!!!!!!!!) letter, may break the news to her.

 

Again, thank you all so much for your input.* I am still undecided, but I’m getting there...

[underwater2010]

As a BS I want to say thank you for sending an apology. It might not mean anything to her right now, but it will later. I think including a contact of any form is very gracious of you. But please, if she asks you any question, answer them honestly. If you don't, the apology will be null and void.

[KathyM]

2 comments

 

1. I just wanted to remind Sauron. From the opening post: "As a BS, whether you may know it or not, would you want my apology letter?"

 

The OP is asking BSs for their responses, or at the very least people who are able to put themselves in the shoes of a BS. Your nasty remarks to posters for being BS seems a little weird and bullying.

 

2. Re the bolded in Kathy's post above. This wouldn't be Emily Brown would it? The expert that is frequently cited as advising WHs to wait until they are ready before telling the truth to their BWs. I'm fairly sure we have posters here who believe that Brown recommends waiting for years, whereas apparently it's weeks at most.

The article specifies that Emily Brown said that--I don't know if it's the same Emily Brown that you have read about previously, but this one specifies that the therapist should encourage the WS to disclose the affair to the BS, and if he doesn't within a reasonable amount of time, then the therapist should disclose it to her. And this goes along with what I have learned in my ethics classes for marriage therapists--that, as therapists, we should encourage the disclosure of the infidelity and not keep secrets from the other spouse when providing marital therapy, and certainly not encourage the WS to keep this a secret. Promoting honesty between partners is a very important part of marital therapy, and helping the couple to talk about the issues that have damaged the relationship.

[Sauron]

You're a real piece of work, aren't you?

 

You actually just NEGATED your entire argument. You're right - these people ARE betrayed spouses - that means they've LIVED what you can only gather 'statistics' about on the internet. They speak from experience and the pain that COMES from living that experience. Where the hell are YOU speaking from? The position of "lie, lie, lie, deny, deny, deny - and cover one's OWN ass at all costs?"

 

Well here's a newsflash for ya, Skippy - Mr. Cheater HIMSELF "f*ucked his life up!" Boy, you just can't STAND to see one of your 'own' actually have a CONSCIENCE, can you? Is your head ready to explode? Be sure to post pictures.

 

 

I am a married man with another woman, 7 years. I never lied to her about my status, she knew going in. Our deal is that when its over for either one of us its over. Not sure what your gender is but you are an over emotional BS probably with a maturity problem like so many others in this part of the site.

[Sauron]

The article specifies that Emily Brown said that--I don't know if it's the same Emily Brown that you have read about previously, but this one specifies that the therapist should encourage the WS to disclose the affair to the BS, and if he doesn't within a reasonable amount of time, then the therapist should disclose it to her. And this goes along with what I have learned in my ethics classes for marriage therapists--that, as therapists, we should encourage the disclosure of the infidelity and not keep secrets from the other spouse when providing marital therapy, and certainly not encourage the WS to keep this a secret. Promoting honesty between partners is a very important part of marital therapy, and helping the couple to talk about the issues that have damaged the relationship.

 

Great, you are about to get a license and a credential so that qualifies you as a professional? Please.

 

Good luck to the OP. Go talk to a bar tender, preist or someone else, you knew what you signed up for. Leave your MM alone and find someone single. Good luck to you.

[KathyM]

Great, you are about to get a license and a credential so that qualifies you as a professional? Please.

 

Good luck to the OP. Go talk to a bar tender, preist or someone else, you knew what you signed up for. Leave your MM alone and find someone single. Good luck to you.

I'm working now as a marriage therapist under someone else's license and am about to get my own license. Does that qualify me as a professional? I've studied the ethics codes for marriage therapists, does that make me qualified to comment on this subject? Certainly moreso than you.

[dreamingoftigers]

OW,

 

Honestly, I would've appreciated the very first draft of the letter the most.

 

It is raw but it also seems the most genuine and honest. Not vague and "ass-covery."

[ow9]

Oh, well, I love this.* Sauron, you are a piece of trash, exactly like my exMM.*

 

The only thing out of your mouth that has been correct so far is that I do deserve better.* But you know what?* So does his wife.* He, and you, sit on your throne of lies.* Aren’t you EXHAUSTED?!* It’s not fun anymore.*

 

Yes, this past year, I was like you.* I was a complete narcissist and thought of NO ONE but myself.* Here’s one:* get your s*** together.* I did.* And by sending her this letter (which thank you, by the way, you completely confirmed why I SHOULD send it), I hope she can move forward.* With or without him, I don’t know.* And I don’t care.* But I think every BS on here and every OW/OM who truly, from the bottom of their heart, regrets what they did, wishes to rid the world of people like you.

*

Wow.* Angry much, OW9?

[dreamingoftigers]

Good for you ow9!

 

So many of these guys are so persuasively angry.

 

"don't do it, you'll only hurt HIM and you were supposed to love etc him."

"you aren't a part of his life anymore, leave it alone."

"you'll only hurt her."

 

This is such crap.

 

1. He acted as though he was supposed to love YOU but then he THREW YOU UNDER THE BUS and PLAYED VICTIM due to his finances. After telling you about being together etc etc etc. His level of disrespect toward you has not earned him a plum spot above his dishonesty!

 

2. He made you a part of his life when he brought you into it in an intimate way. That has consequences and dinner is served.

 

3. I'm sorry but WHO EXACTLY is hurting the wife? It's him. He's hurting you by cheating on her and lying to her. If you made up an affair and sent a letter, that would be hurtful. And mean. The fact that you ate telling what ACTUALLY happened is not a hurtful thing. It's NEWS. Imagine what the world would be like if the news didn't report things like the latest studies or ecoli outbreaks or wars because "that would hurt a lot of Businesses or people." ridiculous!

 

I am so glad you are doing this ow. It's great to see an AP taking responsibility.

[Snowflower]

Whatever you do, however you word it, whether it is more like the first draft or a shorter letter, please DO NOT clue the xMM in that you are telling his wife.

 

Some MM will try to destroy the credibility of their OW when she tries to tell the wife by telling the BS that the OW was really just some crazy stalker chick who wouldn't leave him alone, blah, blah. These MM will do anything to save their own neck while further lying and gaslighting the wife while attempting to destroy the credibility of the OW. These men are real a-holes!

 

All your carefully thought out words would be for nothing and the BS would be even more confused and lied to than ever. Please be careful. Do not drop any hint that you are going tell send this letter.

[dreamingoftigers]

This is part of why I think she should stick to the original, including the picture references.

 

Ow9, how do you know her address?

[skylarblue]

Well "Sauren" isn't exactly coming from a place of compassion or empathy for his fellow human beings, now is he? He's coming from a sneaky, lying, deceiving, cover his ugly ass at ANY cost, cheaters-of-the-world-unite kind of place. THAT'S pretty obvious.

 

So do be sure to take his crap advice with a HUGE grain of salt, OW9.

 

First, I hardly take anybody's anything with anything. A person's opinions/views is a person's opinions/views and I leave it at that whether I think it's right, wrong or irrelevant. I simply respect everyone's right to have his/her own opinion and find no need to argue/convince them that they are wrong (which seems to happen a lot on LS) in discussing differing views.

 

Second, I was agreeing with sauron's fact (not opinion) that not all professionals agree on the disclosure issue (it is advised, but not without exceptions by some or in some cases). It has nothing to do with his personal views. My position is based on from what I've read or heard in the past (I'll include examples in another post.) You'll never find a 100% consensus on a moral issue. IMO there is no right or wrong when it comes to moral issues. There's is simply the similar views of what I think is right and the differing views of what others think is right.

 

Third, I think I summed it up best when I advised the thread starter that the only thing that really matters is her own conscience and personal views and in making the decision to give particular weight to the responses of the BSs that she's asking.

 

I appreciate the heads-up though.

[ow9]

Skylar, I can appreciate that everyone has their own opinions, but I really wanted to hear from the BSs. Its not about me anymore. And its not about the exMM anymore. Our fun is over. Now its about her.

I don't care what any professional says, either. I care how she feels.

 

I got the BSs address out of the white pages. Boy, I wish I had an e-mail address instead; a lot less difficult to intercept.

[ComingInHot]

Sauron;

 

Did you really just write this?!?!!..

 

"Go talk to a bar tender, preist or someone else, you knew what you signed up for. Leave your MM alone and find someone single. Good luck to you."

 

You just wrote that someone should DUMP MM and go find someone SINGLE!

 

I LOVE IT! I think You should Blow this sentence up, print out like 10 copies and tape it to every surface in your home...

 

It is GREAT advice you should take it*

[skylarblue]

Mira Kirshenbaum (licensed psychotherapist), Peter Fox (clinical psychiatrist psychologist and couples therapy), Sandy Jocoy (MFT Intern psychotherapy under the supervision of Bert A. Overholt, MFT),

Dave Carder (graduate degrees in Biblical Literature and in MFT;Michigan Limited License)

 

I reiterate not ALL professionals agree (google search can find additional credentials and full/other articles). Ow9, I haven't read any of the recent posts so I hope it hasn't turned into an discussion regarding sauron, professional consensus, what is right or wrong, and why who says what. I hope people are still focusing on the issue - should you send the letter and why or why not.

 

My last word of advice to you is just to take everything into consideration from every angle and choose what your heart and mind tells you to do.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Steen719]

Skylar, I can appreciate that everyone has their own opinions, but I really wanted to hear from the BSs. Its not about me anymore. And its not about the exMM anymore. Our fun is over. Now its about her.

I don't care what any professional says, either. I care how she feels.

 

I got the BSs address out of the white pages. Boy, I wish I had an e-mail address instead; a lot less difficult to intercept.

 

I paid for an email address; it was less than $3.00 if I remember correctly. If you google and can't find the service, let me know and I'll look for the email sending it to me.