The OW telling a BS who may or may not know...

January 6, 2013

OP that letter is fully from the heart. I think there's only 1 thing I might take out. You say something about getting away from him after 1 year and her being awesome putting up with it for 18. I think if I were her I might read that as a veiled insult. There are a few things that could be tweaked but I think it feels very genuine.

January 6, 2013

You know, I could probably send you 10 edits and others may already be doing that, but I think it was genuine and the last few paragraphs very much sent the right message. I think you can send it as-is. They are your words and they are true.

I would only caution that you somehow ensure that it cannot be intercepted by the MM. Sending thru her workplace might be a decent option. There's no good place to read something like this but at least it would get into her hands and she could have some time to process it before being with him at home.

January 6, 2013

I'm sorry for the excessive typos in that letter. Stupid smartphone.

You're right: I guess that is insulting, isn't it? I'll definitely take that out.

I really appreciate all of your input. This is beyond helpful.

January 6, 2013

Are you a professional? Can you provide data to support your position? How many of you are betrayed spouses giving this poor woman advice? Just because your marriage fell a part doesn't mean you have to keep the carnage train rolling.

If he's told her the truth then there's no carnage train on the tracks.

I never wanted an apology as a BS and I never felt the need to send one as an OW but if DMM had told me he'd exposed the A I probably would have sent a letter saying that I was the OW and give her my contact details. He never lied to me about anything during our A so I'd have no reason to think he was lying to me about that, hence no carnage train. If he's stupid enough to play me off someone else more fool him.

What are your credentials for giving advice? I'm not a professional but since you're criticizing everyone else for giving advice without any background I assume you must have all sorts of letters behind your name.

January 6, 2013

And that's problem #2. She lives 1200 miles away, and doesn't work. I can't find her online. ExMM is out of town for the next 6 months so I don't think he could intercept it if I went old school. USPS is my only option. Is that a disaster waiting to happen?

January 6, 2013

And that's problem #2. She lives 1200 miles away, and doesn't work. I can't find her online. ExMM is out of town for the next 6 months so I don't think he could intercept it if I went old school. USPS is my only option. Is that a disaster waiting to happen?

I don't think it's a disaster but I do think you need to think seriously about it before you do it. Prepare for everything and anything. If she doesn't know and tells him be prepared for him to make sure you're less than dirt and for him to turn on you in a way that may hurt more than you're expecting. Be prepared for her anger even if she knows. I know you think you are and that's good. Prepare for his kids to find out and send you messages on facebook. If you work together be prepared for fallout there. Be prepared for what you're unleashing. What may seem like an innocent apology could release the floodgates. I'm not saying don't do it if you feel you need to but be prepared.

January 6, 2013

And that's problem #2. She lives 1200 miles away, and doesn't work. I can't find her online. ExMM is out of town for the next 6 months so I don't think he could intercept it if I went old school. USPS is my only option. Is that a disaster waiting to happen?

I think you're good to go. Some people really have a hard time ensuring that a letter actually gets into the hands of a BS. Looks like you are fortunate on this one.

My WW's OM got into his wife's email account to intercept my messages to her. He even pretended to be her. It worked for a short while.

January 6, 2013

I agree with both sauron and summer breeze.

Personally, I don't think you should send it. If your objective is to not cause (more) harm, I think sending the letter has more potential to do so. If he lied and she doesn't know, you will definitely hurt her in the revelation. If he did tell her, who knows whether your letter will be a welcomed or a positive for her. Unless you didn't know that he was married and ended it as soon as you found out then you knowingly slept with her H. Some BSs will hardly find such apology sufficient and some may not appreciate any reintroduction of the OW into her life under any circumstance. Again, if your goal is merely to not cause her harm, logically I say don't send it.

However, he did tell you he admitted to the A. So I think if you do send it and he did not tell her, your conscious should be cleared from that you'd hurt her in doing so. As it's been advised, I would suggest that you re-write the letter to be no more than a simple and genuine, succinct apology. If you feel comfortable enough offer her a way to contact you if she would like to have further discussion, but do not make the letter anything more than it's meant to be, an apology.

Sauren is right. Not all professionals agree on disclosure after the A is over if it was never discovered and the M is progressing in a positive manner. I guess that, as well as your decision to send or not send the letter, is up the conscious and view of the individual. Personally, under the circumstance of not knowing and H and I were nonetheless working towards a better M, I would not want to be informed. However, I am not a BS. I am not sure how I would receive any contact from the OW. You asked for the BS's prospective in trying to make the decision, so regardless of what the "right" decision is, I think you may want to give weight to the consensus of the group you are particularly asking.

January 6, 2013

It is so funny to see that people who actually advise not to tell are in its majority (if not all) OM/OW.... what is funny? Well is obvious! people who are used to live within the secretism and lies are very uncomfortable with the truth...
Finding someone that is like you and regrets it may make you think that what you do is wrong?? I don't know for sure but I smell guilt in the air...

Without rereading the whole thread I think the only one really urging her not to say anything is a WS. I'm all for her telling the BS if it makes her feel better. I'm sorry if I can't think of any others that have said not to tell the BS.

January 6, 2013

Of course you smell guilt in the air! I'm 27 years old and I had a year long affair with a married man. What is that? WHAT IS THAT!? I'm disgusted with myself. If I could go back to before I fell in love with him and RUN, I would. But I can't. And I am truly sorry. So, does letting the BS know that help her? It would help me, but I've been selfish long enough. Hence... my posted thread.

January 6, 2013

Alexandria;

Remember my earlier post about rereading the letter? Try reading it as if it was sent to you. Would you, w/all the "extra" detail, feel the OW was truly sorry for Her part?

I think if she would like to know about the intensity, the I love yous, the sex, the holidays then that should be up to her to ask.

I only say this as reading it is a lot to take in.

But I Do see your sincerity and I would hope the BS in your A could see it too. If not at first, then in time.

I wish you courage and strength*

January 6, 2013

The absolute last thing I would do is tell the exMM. Here's what I've got. Please...edit away!

Bs,
This letter is not out of revenge, and it is not to try to make myself feel better. It is to tell you how truly sorry I am. In December, mm broke the news to me that he shared the details of our affair with you. Your husband and I had an affair which lasted for over a year. It was both emotional and physical. But both of us, he and I, as adults, equally shared in this horrid mistake. I want to tell you how disgusted I am by what has happened. I want to tell you how truly sorry I am. It is truly extraordinary how selfish I was. I need you to know that I am completely out of your picture.

However you're feeling right now, I'd like to give you an option. I'm going to give you my email address. If you have absolutely nothing to say to me, I will leave it at that. You will never hear from me again.
If you have questions, I will do my best to help you.

I have no excuse. I have no explanation. The only thing I feel I can do, to fix whatever I can, if that's even possible, is to apologize to you.

If this is the first time you're learning of MM's affair, I cannot express how truly sorry I am if you did not want to know. I am so sorry.

IMO This part is all you need.

January 6, 2013

Alexandria;
Remember my earlier post about rereading the letter? Try reading it as if it was sent to you. Would you, w/all the "extra" detail, feel the OW was truly sorry for Her part?

I think if she would like to know about the intensity, the I love yous, the sex, the holidays then that should be up to her to ask.

I only say this as reading it is a lot to take in.

But I Do see your sincerity and I would hope the BS in your A could see it too. If not at first, then in time.

I wish you courage and strength*

I think this is an excellent post. As the BS I would want the extra detail because it would either confirm he was telling me the truth (and all of it) or he was lying and minimizing. I wasn't a typical BS though so I'm probably not best to advise on that.

January 6, 2013

Okay so this isn't so much a letter of apology as it is a "let me rub your nose in my affair with your husband" "let me tell you my side" and "let me spread the blame around" letter, which is what I suspected it was going to be when in your opening post you said it was a lengthy letter. A real letter of apology doesn't need to be lengthy or over explanatory. I'm not a BS but if I was I would hate that letter and I would hate you for sending it or even thinking it was a sincere apology. Of that entire letter here is the only part you need to send:

I want to tell you how disgusted I am by what has happened. I want to tell you how truly sorry I am. I have no excuse. I have no explanation. The only thing I feel I can do, to fix whatever I can, if that's even possible, is to apologize to you. However you're feeling right now, I'd like to give you an option. I'm going to give you my email address. If you have questions, and need to know what is real, what is a lie, and what is paranoia, I will do my best to help you. The option is yours. I am so sorry.

The above looks like an apology. The rest of the filler in your letter is a bunch of justification and backhanded jabs at the BW.
This line - "Look, I was done with him after a year of his manipulation and lies, you hung on for 18 years" - Oh my God, that is such an obvious insult to her and that you pretended it wasn't by couching it between "You're awesome" and "you must be cool" just makes it more patronizing and demeaning. Why do you feel the need to tell her that you had sex with him everytime you were together and that you have photo's of him spooning with your dog, if not to hurt her and dig that knife in a little deeper. By sharing with her all that her husband told you about wanting to leave her and spend his life with you and how much you truly loved him it sounds like your letter is mostly to let the BW know that you're someone important in her husbands life and she shouldn't dismiss you as just being a fling. You also want to make sure she knows to blame her husband because he pursued you and he has problems that he needs to fix. What does her husband have to do with you apologizing?

I don't think people should apologize for anything until they really sincerely mean it and feel it. I think you are far from that point and that you should not send her an apology at this time.

I agree 100%. Most of this letter sounds like a bunch of rambling or an entry in a journal. If you want it to be an apology letter, then apologize and leave all the details out. Everything else in the letter is just noise and distractions.

If the wife wants more details about the affair, then let her ask you on her timetable.

I say send the letter, but adhere to alexandria35's advice.

January 6, 2013

Yes. I agree. Some of those details are unnecessary. I feel it's a fine line though, as BSs have voiced that some details give proof. I've got some editing to do.

I am also scared that it's too soon. A month from now I might wish I had never sent it. But, a month from now I might wish I had sent it. My counselor advised I wait until the exMM breaks NC, which I'm sure he will, and see how I feel at that point.

This is so not fun.

January 6, 2013

Oh goodness no. I haven't spoken to him in a month. He ended our final conversation with, "I have to work on my marriage because if I don't she's going to take me for evetything I have. But when our marriage doesn't last, I'll call you then. Then, we can finally be together." Rrriiiggghhhttt. I'm such a moron. I have zero desire to talk to him ever again. But I do want his wife to know I completely screwed up. Especially if he claims he will contact me again, she needs to know I am DONE. She doesn't need to worry about he and I ever again.

January 6, 2013

If you send it by mail, send it registered so the BS has to sign for it.

That way you will know it was not intercepted.

January 6, 2013

Alexandia;

DUH! I am SO sorry,

I was thinking I was agreeing with you WHILE I was responding to OP.

I have got to learn my limits on just how MUCH I can multitask... lol**

January 6, 2013

FWIW OP, I don't like the majority of the letter. I don't think you need to give her any details unless she asks. I think some very short, 1-2 paragraph letter apologizing and giving her your contact information is all you should send.

It seems less like an apology letter and more like you just speaking about your thoughts and feelings about being in an affair with her husband.

I do get that you are sorry but let the wife decide if she wants all those details from you and she can contact you like you suggested.

January 6, 2013

Right?! Yeah the guy is a snake; but i only see that now. I'm not trying to act like a martyr, at all. But I really do wish I could take it back. Yes, I did know he was married, but um yeah, he knew he was married too. I really effed up. I just don't know if telling the BS that is relevant.

How does this sound:

Your husband and I had a very intense affair which lasted for over a year. It was both emotional and physical. If this is the first time you're learning of MM's affair, I cannot express how sorry I am if you did not want to know. Although, I believe you do want to know.

However you're feeling right now, I'd like to give you an option. I'm going to give you my email address. If you have questions, or need to know what is real and what is a lie, I will do my best to help you. The option is yours.

I have no excuse. I have no explanation. My intent was never, at any point, to hurt you or your family. I cannot take back our year long affair. Oh, believe me, if I could, I most certainly would. He and I are nothing but a thing of the past now, and the only thing I feel I can do, to fix whatever I can, if that's even possible, is to apologize to you.

BS, I am so sorry.

January 6, 2013

I am of the "do not send the letter" camp. I was a BS, then an OW. It is true that the basis for real reconciliation in THEIR marriage is honesty, but that is between them. The BS can choose to believe what he says or ask for proof or speak to you...YOU shouldn't have input unless asked.

Leave them alone. You are going to have to find another way to alleviate your guilt.

January 6, 2013

Are you a professional? Can you provide data to support your position? How many of you are betrayed spouses giving this poor woman advice? Just because your marriage fell a part doesn't mean you have to keep the carnage train rolling.

I am a Marriage and Family Therapist intern who is about to get my license, and I can assure you I've studied this topic a lot in my classes and research projects. Everything I have read and learned suggests the therapist encourage the secret of infidelity to be disclosed, and that is the way to proceed in therapy, through open and honest communication in order to rebuild. Here is an article on the subject which suggests the therapist not keep such a secret from the other partner, and encourage the partner to disclose the affair to his spouse. That is the way to conduct therapy--by getting this out into the open where it can be dealt with. I have never heard of a licensed marriage therapist encouraging someone to keep such a thing a secret. In fact, that could be considered colluding with one of the spouses and not acting in good faith towards the betrayed spouse. I have learned that, as therapists, we are to encourage our clients to be honest with their spouse in order to rebuild the marriage. Otherwise, it's like a doctor treating a patient's back problems and ignoring the cancer in his body. Not a good practice if you're trying to get the patient healthy again. In marriage counseling, the marriage is the focus, and the loyalty is to both partners. It's unethical to encourage one spouse to keep this kind of a secret from his spouse when conducting marriage therapy.

Surviving Infidelity ? Couples Therapists? Best Practices

And my marriage is perfectly fine, just to clear that up. I have no personal stake in this discussion, but I'm putting forth what I have learned in my classes and research projects on the subject.

January 6, 2013

I am of the "do not send the letter" camp. I was a BS, then an OW. It is true that the basis for real reconciliation in THEIR marriage is honesty, but that is between them. The BS can choose to believe what he says or ask for proof or speak to you...YOU shouldn't have input unless asked.

Leave them alone. You are going to have to find another way to alleviate your guilt.

It always alarms me when people advise a course of continued deception.

It just never ever computes in my head.

I cannot fathom ever advising a person to lie, or withhold critical truths about their lives. Especially as a participant in the deception.

I admire those who have the strength to course correct, after making less than good choices before. I think it shows a return to integrity, and I have nothing but praise and support for those who do it. That shows me the affair was not a pattern of character issue, but an incident. And that tells me that they are good people inside, chastened by the thought of someone else's pain.

January 6, 2013

Just to highlight one section of the article I posted from a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist:

• Avoid secrecy. It’s important that a therapist be honest, which includes refusing to keep a partner’s secrets because doing so is tantamount to colluding with one partner against the other.

If an affair hasn’t yet been disclosed, Brown recommends coaching the unfaithful partner about how to broach the topic with his or her partner. If you must hold the secret while you determine how to get the unfaithful partner to talk, it should be for no more than a few weeks, Brown cautions.

To avoid secrets, Kollman says she generally conducts therapy sessions with the partners together rather than apart. On the occasions when she counsels one partner at a time, she informs each that whatever she is told will be revealed to the other.

January 6, 2013

If an affair hasn’t yet been disclosed, Brown recommends coaching the unfaithful partner about how to broach the topic with his or her partner. If you must hold the secret while you determine how to get the unfaithful partner to talk, it should be for no more than a few weeks, Brown cautions.

But what about the OW? I don't know if he told his wife. He said he did, but we can all see what a straight shooter this guy is. So do I have any obligation, for lack of better words, to her? Do I need to be honest?

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