The OW telling a BS who may or may not know...

[ow9]

I've read all I can about being the OW and I've shed more tears than I care to admit to after going NC with my exMM last month. But now that the dust has settled, I can't get the BS out of my head. Im sick over the fact that I've hurt this woman I know next to nothing about. My exMM ended it when he said he told his wife of the A and they were going to work on the marriage.

I wrote her a letter. Not out of revenge. Not to make myself feel better. But to let her know I am genuinely sorry. The few people I've told my story to don't believe that he ever told her. If they are working on their marriage I would love for my apology to help her in continuing the healing and realize I'm not worth it. But if he never did tell her, I have no desire to destroy her world.

As a BS, whether you may know it or not, would you want my apology letter?

Ps. I can post the letter if it helps; it's just rather lengthy.

[Decorative]

As a BS, thank you. You did the right thing. I am sorry you are hurting.

[BetrayedH]

If she doesn't know, she needs to know. And yes, she would want to know.

 

If she does know, your apology may also help. It's not always immediately appreciated but it does help in healing over the longer term. In particular, she can at least know that you are no longer a threat to her M and she can focus on her H.

 

I suspect that it's very unlikely that he came clean and even if he did, he very likely minimized a lot. Not knowing the actual truth can be crazy-making for a BS who is deciding about reconciliation. We lose our minds trying to figure out wtf is real, what is a lie, what is paranoia. You have the power the spare her.

 

Giving her the facts and an apology is significant. This is the rest of her life we're talking about here. A lot hangs in the balance.

 

Do the right thing and send the letter.

[BetrayedH]

As a BS, thank you. You did the right thing. I am sorry you are hurting.

 

If I am correct, she drafted the letter but never sent it. She's wrestling with sending it now.

[Decorative]

If I am correct, she drafted the letter but never sent it. She's wrestling with sending it now.

 

Oh! I missed that!!!

 

She should definitely send it.

[ow9]

Is there anything you specifically would or would not want to know?

 

Also, I thought of giving her my e-mail address. If she has nothing to say to me, fine. If she wants to send nothing but 10 pages if curse words, that's deserved as well. And if she wants me to answer questions that her H won't, I'd like to try to help her. Is that a good idea, giving her the option?

[Sauron]

You should NOT send it. Your role in their life is done. Whether he told her or not means nothing to you. You had a great fling with MM, sex a realtionship now you are done with it and need to move on to the next thing in YOUR life. I will never figure out why this crew here wants everything splattered about. Maybe he didn't tell her and is making amends in his way. If you send the letter and he hasn't told her you will potentially be destroying him. If you are bitter, vindicative and want to inflict damage and have 3 of you hurting knock yourself out.

 

I would also tell you to read what the professionals say about confessing affairs - and there are no professionals on here, except professional posters. Good luck to you.

[BetrayedH]

Is there anything you specifically would or would not want to know?

 

Also, I thought of giving her my e-mail address. If she has nothing to say to me, fine. If she wants to send nothing but 10 pages if curse words, that's deserved as well. And if she wants me to answer questions that her H won't, I'd like to try to help her. Is that a good idea, giving her the option?

 

I would want to know if it was a physical and/or emotional affair and how long it went on. I would avoid graphic details in the first letter; some want them and some don't. I absolutely think it's decent to provide an email address and to be willing to answer questions should she want it. Be apologetic, let her know that you will never pursue her H again but just want her to be able to make an informed decision about her life.

 

You mentioned that your draft was lengthy. Honestly, if that's the case I would start over. Keep it brief. We tend to get upset over anything that would sounds like rationalizing or justifying. Give the basics, apologize, tell her that she deserved to know, that you're willing to answer questions if she has them, apologize again, and wish her the best deciding on how to move forward with her life, ensuring her that you will stay out of it.

 

For what it is worth, I applaud your courage. This is not an easy thing to do but I think it is a necessary step for your healing and for hers.

[ComingInHot]

ow;

Should you decide to send it, please make sure that you read and re-read your letter for anything hurtful to this BS that really doesn't Need to be there.

 

Yes you had an A w/her husband. Yes it's over. Yes your sorry. Yes he told you the marriage was over or rocky.

 

No need to tell her the "complaints" (read thread on MM's Complaints about his W) that he's made. Nothing about how You perceive her either except that she is the uninformed victim in a three way relationship that she had no idea she was in.

 

This is actually pretty hard to do w/a first draft. You may not even realize you added these things until you re-read. I think you are on to something good for you and the BW.

 

Hang in & stay Strong*

[Sauron]

After my first stint on here, I did some research on whether he or you should surface the affair to the wife, unless you are HIV positive, have herpes or some other STD it is split between the full disclosure counselers and the let sleeping dogs lay counselers. If you do some research, you will find that this group here are universially for full disclosure regardless because most of them are betrayed spouses. Your healing will go just fine with out Fing up everyones life. You probably helped him hide the affair during, what has changed?

[KathyM]

You should NOT send it. Your role in their life is done. Whether he told her or not means nothing to you. You had a great fling with MM, sex a realtionship now you are done with it and need to move on to the next thing in YOUR life. I will never figure out why this crew here wants everything splattered about. Maybe he didn't tell her and is making amends in his way. If you send the letter and he hasn't told her you will potentially be destroying him. If you are bitter, vindicative and want to inflict damage and have 3 of you hurting knock yourself out.

 

I would also tell you to read what the professionals say about confessing affairs - and there are no professionals on here, except professional posters. Good luck to you.

The professionals say that honesty in a marriage is crucial, and there can be no real reconciliation unless both partners are aware of the reality of their marriage. The professionals also say that apologizing for one's role in hurting another is very therapeutic and also helps the hurt party to heal and forgive.

[buckeyeblue]

First, thank you for caring that you horribly hurt someone you didn't even know. As a BS, that would mean something to me.

 

Send the letter. It will take courage and she may direct anger at you, but she will appreciate it in the long run. I think it will help you heal as well.

[Sauron]

The professionals say that honesty in a marriage is crucial, and there can be no real reconciliation unless both partners are aware of the reality of their marriage. The professionals also say that apologizing for one's role in hurting another is very therapeutic and also helps the hurt party to heal and forgive.

 

 

Are you a professional? Can you provide data to support your position? How many of you are betrayed spouses giving this poor woman advice? Just because your marriage fell a part doesn't mean you have to keep the carnage train rolling.

[Sauron]

Hey OW you should at least text your MM and tell him you are going to send a letter to his wife unless you want to sucker punch him. You at least owe him a heads up.

[ComingInHot]

Two camps eh?

 

Okay... Camp One = Honest & Integrity Camp. Camp Two = Lier & disengenuous Camp.

 

Doesn't take a professional or stats, or graphs to figure that one out.

 

Saraun is right I guess. So which Camp do you Want to be a part of?

[Summer Breeze]

Hey OW you should at least text your MM and tell him you are going to send a letter to his wife unless you want to sucker punch him. You at least owe him a heads up.

 

I disagree with this. He ended it and he told his OW that his W knew. From what he's said and done his OW can assume the W knows everything and this should be the perfect time to send a letter. She isn't looking to stir things up and isn't looking for him back. She wants to apologize. If the MM is lying to her then shame on him and good that his W gets a heads up.

[Sauron]

Actually, many legtimate marriage counselors advise against confessing unless there is a chance that the affairs partners infected one another with an STD, which is way over blown by these BS on this site in my opinion. JUst google confessing an extra marital affair, you will find those for confessing and those for not. Such biterness and meaness here from so many of you.

[Sauron]

I disagree with this. He ended it and he told his OW that his W knew. From what he's said and done his OW can assume the W knows everything and this should be the perfect time to send a letter. She isn't looking to stir things up and isn't looking for him back. She wants to apologize. If the MM is lying to her then shame on him and good that his W gets a heads up.

 

And so he didn't tell wifey, so then you want them to get divorced, bust up a marriage, have 2 homes for the kids, split the assets. Great advice. Maybe he feels remorseful and maybe he is lieing scumbag.

 

Hey OW9, did you know he was married before you slept with him or did he trick and lie to you?

[Sauron]

If you knew he was married and he didn't lie to you about that, then you owe him the courtsey of moving on and leaving it where you 2 left it at the end. You don't owe his wife an apology. If she was the wife she should have been he would have never connected with you. If lied to you, then do what you feel is right.

 

I would imagine that he is sick about losing you as well, however it would cost him everything he has worked for up till he told you good bye to leave his situation. I would also bet he probably thought about leaving for you more than you imagine, many of us do, but the way family law exists in this country it is stacked against men. Leave it alone and move on. Good luck to you.

[Summer Breeze]

And so he didn't tell wifey, so then you want them to get divorced, bust up a marriage, have 2 homes for the kids, split the assets. Great advice. Maybe he feels remorseful and maybe he is lieing scumbag.

 

Hey OW9, did you know he was married before you slept with him or did he trick and lie to you?

 

Yet another bad decision by the MM if he did lie to her. If he is remorseful and has told the truth then he's making amends after telling the OW what happened. If he's a lying scumbag then he'll be caught out. If the OW feels strongly that she wants to apologize to the BS and he's told her that his W knows then I see no problem. I'm sure he's making amends (or supposed to be) so why can't the OW do the same if everything is out in the open now? It also gives his W some venting space. I'd imagine the OW is aware she may get a letter or call that's full of the rage his W will be feeling so it may be a good thing for both women. How can a fully remorseful WS logically say that's a bad thing?

[whichwayisup]

Hey OW you should at least text your MM and tell him you are going to send a letter to his wife unless you want to sucker punch him. You at least owe him a heads up.

 

She doesn't owe her exMM anything. Especially a heads up.

[carhill]

As a BS I would want any apology and proactive disclosure to come from my spouse.

 

As an OM I merely sent the BS the eight years of cards and letters from his wife as evidence. No editorials. No apologies. No biased perspective. Just cold hard facts.

[BetrayedH]

The OPs question was directed at BSs so I suspect that she wants the opinions of...BSs.

 

The "professionals" being split on the issue of disclosure hardly makes your case any better.

 

Somehow I doubt she would value as much the opinion of an active and unrepentent serial cheater with multiple OW or she would have asked, "Hey Sauron, would it be cool if one of your OW outed you?"

[Summer Breeze]

As a BS I would want any apology and proactive disclosure to come from my spouse.

 

As an OM I merely sent the BS the eight years of cards and letters from his wife as evidence. No editorials. No apologies. No biased perspective. Just cold hard facts.

 

As a BS that's what I'd want too. I agree with you. This OW is looking to do this for herself. Is that selfish? It could be but we all have different needs for the healing process and this could be something she needs to do for her.

 

As an OW I agree with your cold hard facts statement. I didn't feel the need to send an apology but when we talked I answered everything she asked. She needed that for her healing and I don't avoid tough situations.

[ow9]

The absolute last thing I would do is tell the exMM. Here's what I've got. Please...edit away!

 

Bs,

This letter is not out of revenge, and it is not to try to make myself feel better. It is to tell you how truly sorry I am. In December, mm broke the news to me that he shared the details of our affair with you. I believed at the time he had told you, but looking back, his story seems sketchy, so this is the first time you are learning that your husband has cheated on you, and you do not wish to know the details, i encourage you not to read beyond this sentence.

 

Your husband and I have a very intense affair which lasted for over a year. It was both emotional and physical. I can tell you things no one would know unless our affair was very real. If mm did tell you about he and I, what he did to you was minimized, I'm sure.

Your husband pursued me, for months. The problem? I gave in. I understand you want your husband to be perfect. A husband should be in the eyes of his wife. But both of us, he and I, as adults, equally shared in this horrid mistake I want now, to tell you my side. I want to tell you how disgusted I am by what has happened. I want to tell you how truly sorry I am.

 

 

You never existed to me. Sure I know your name. I know your girls' names. But the fact that mm had a family almost seems surreal to me. I'd hit a point where I was so invested in the affair, that no one else mattered. It is truly extraordinary how selfish I was.

 

I can send you 1 of the thousands of emails from him. I can send you a picture of mm and my dog spooning on Thanksgiving morning. How he and I had sex every time we were together. I was just 3rd affair; he had to prior, both in Seattle. I can tell you that we drove around looking at houses that he and I would live in together. He told me he love me. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. And I can tell you now, I truly loved him.

 

Let's be honest, no level headed 27 year old is attracted to 41 year old married man. So I decided it was best I sought help. My counseling has been more than eye opening. I was daughter1's age, I was a senior in high school, when my dad came home from work and broke the news that he has had several affairs over the past decade. I vividly remember my mother collapsing in our kitchen.* No, things did not work with my parents, but my father did not leave his other women out of the picture. I need you to know I'm completely out of your picture.

 

I have no idea why you are so real to me now. You never existed. Yes, mm and I were in XXXX's driveway and I heard you on the phone screaming, pleading for him to tell you he was cheating. I was numb to your voice. When he didn't call on Thanksgiving and you had a "feeling" he was at it again, I shrugged my shoulders. I see you now, BS, over and over and over, fall that kitchen, just like my mother did. And it kills me.

 

When mm call me in December, he told me he had met with a lawyer he discussed how much money he would lose if you ever left you. But you need to know he also said it was time to work on it with you. It is about time. Of course, I was saddened, as I lost someone I've spent the last year my life loving. But I got hung up the phone, and the feeling I felt the most, was that a pure relief.

However you're feeling right now, I'd like to give you an option. I'm going to give you my email address. If you have absolutely nothing to say to me, I'm dead to you, and this letter has offended you, I will leave it at that. You will never hear from me again. If you want to do nothing but vent, and send 100 pages of just the worst, most hateful things a person could write, I realize I deserve it. If you have questions, and need to know what is real, what is a lie, and what is paranoia, I will do my best to help you. The option is yours.

 

I have no excuse. I have no explanation. My intention was never, at any point, to hurt you or your family. Clearly, mm needs to get his life together. It's pretty obvious that I do too. I cannot take back our year long after. Oh, and believe me, if I could, I most certainly would. The only thing I feel I can do, to fix whatever I can, if that's even possible, is to apologize to you. Mm needs to see that you're more than just a taxi driver to your three girls. You're actually pretty awesome.. Look, I was done with him after a year of his manipulation and lies, you hung on for 18 years. So, you have to be cool, right?

 

If this is the first time you're learning of MM's affair, I cannot express how truly sorry I am if you did not want to know. Although, I believe you do want to know.

 

And if he was not lying to me, and he did actually tell you about us in December, then I pray, on my hands and knees, that this letter will help if you two are on the road to recovery. I hope this letter will be your next step. That things have gotten better the past few months, abd this is only more motivation to continue. That, in a weird and sick way, our affair can make your marriage the strongest as ever been. That all three of us can somehow, some way, move past this. Bs, I pray, my god do I pray, that is what happens.

 

I am so sorry.