Lillyfree Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 i don't understand why people can't send a simple message/email before disappearing. i initiated NC in my A. but have written an email (possibly saying more than i should have) and sent it to him before i blocked him. to me it has a lot to do with respect for another human being - especially someone who at some point was very important to you. OM mentioned it a couple of times, after we had a little 'disagreement' - that 'if he didn't want me and didn't care he would just disappear'. obviously it's something that happens often and is an MO of some cheating men.
coffeebean201 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Maybe when trying to shape this, try measuring this relationship from the perspective of when you started having sex, rather than the long long friendship part. I think you are adding too much weight to the relationship because you are including the friendship/out of touch years. Try that, and see if that helps explain some of the vanishing part...? Sorry about all this pain. Friendship is supposed to bring light and life into our lives and not so much pain.
Lillyfree Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 OK so the people I know who have cheated/been the BS - they have given VERY minimal explanation. Really not much more than I love my wife, please don't ever contact me again. Nothing the OW found very explanatory. But I guess I don't understand why this is a problem: 1. If you love him and you think he was a good guy when he was with you - then why do you want him to betray her further? we were both in committed relationships. we were both doing the wrong thing - my 'justification' for me doing the wrong thing was that i wasn't happy, and my husband wasn't present in our marriage. justification for him doing the wrong thing was that in the beginning he presented his relationship (4 yr LTR) as not committed, and nearing the end. when i was actually honest with myself i felt guilty. the guilt eventually overpowered the feelings i had for him. i tried to talk to him about it a couple of times - he wasn't willing to. he referred to our SOs as 'the sucky bit'. once he said that he can be 'naughty AND nice'. when i said that i don't like being deceitful and sneaky, his response was 'oh but i'm very good at sneaky' it was almost like he was proud of it. that's when i started realising that he wasn't the person i thought he was. 2. If he is going to do the right thing - how is that consistent with giving you any comfort at all? How would that make his wife feel? he's already done wrong by his wife. why leave the OW hanging for days/weeks, wondering what's going on - if the decision is made that it's over and you want NC, why not just say so?
ComingInHot Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Tryingto; I REALLY believe You are on to something here. "...trying to give YOURSELF the gift of Closure." That statement is Huge to me. And knowing that it Can come from w/in you when it cannot be obtained elsewhere (which would be ideal) is showing of how insightful & strong you really are* Kudos to you!
ThatJustHappened Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Because their spouse is (justifiably) demanding immediate no contact and if the WS wants to stay in the marriage, they must put their spouse's needs first for a change. I'm not saying that anyone deserves to be treated poorly, but you have to understand that you've put yourself into a situation that simply has no winners. I'm sorry when people are hurting, no matter who they are, but please understand that the spouse has been blindsided and the NC has to be immediate so WS/BS can make decisions about their lives without distractions. EXACTLY! If the wandering spouse is trying to repair the marriage then the betrayed spouse's needs come first. If the betrayed spouse demands instant no contact, then that's what they should get. 1
Author fooled2manyX Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 I disagree & yes, I am the "OW", so I would disagree I suppose. Again, I am not disputing his wife is the victim in all of this. I can absolutely agree with & understand a betrayed spouse saying "no contact at all." But what did they (yes, then her included) think would happen here. He knew I was waiting. He knew I was here thinking he was going to return. So, had he handled this as he should, he would have solidly put it out there "I'm sorry, but I am going to stay with my life. I want to stay in my marriage and I can not, will not talk to you or see you again." ... finished the end. No, instead, you want to tell me he did it the right way. In that, I was sitting here.... not knowing "this" is what his "choice" was. Their "choice" was & that I was to sit here and guess that. Um, I havent had a magic 8 ball since I was eleven. I didn't do this all on my own. Furthermore, even though I was very wrong, I am not the one married. You seem to make it out like "aww, he is being a good boy now. aww, good boy. suck it up other woman, you homewrecker." Newsflash... there was no gun to his head. These plans he made with me about a future for us, "he" made. So, going as far as saying "he owes you nothing." Wrong. He owed me a BIG BOY parting. Whether it was in person, email, letter, card, one sentance. For the wife, the NC should start immediatly. Ok. But this wasn't an affair of sex. I wasn't someone who waited for him in a motel room. Should his wife come first?? ABSOLUTLY. He can make her first... let her be first...... and do what he needs to do. And I should get "I am sorry. I want to stay with my wife and work on my marriage. Goodbye." 1
bentnotbroken Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I disagree & yes, I am the "OW", so I would disagree I suppose. Again, I am not disputing his wife is the victim in all of this. I can absolutely agree with & understand a betrayed spouse saying "no contact at all." But what did they (yes, then her included) think would happen here. He knew I was waiting. He knew I was here thinking he was going to return. So, had he handled this as he should, he would have solidly put it out there "I'm sorry, but I am going to stay with my life. I want to stay in my marriage and I can not, will not talk to you or see you again." ... finished the end. No, instead, you want to tell me he did it the right way. In that, I was sitting here.... not knowing "this" is what his "choice" was. Their "choice" was & that I was to sit here and guess that. Um, I havent had a magic 8 ball since I was eleven. I didn't do this all on my own. Furthermore, even though I was very wrong, I am not the one married. You seem to make it out like "aww, he is being a good boy now. aww, good boy. suck it up other woman, you homewrecker." Newsflash... there was no gun to his head. These plans he made with me about a future for us, "he" made. So, going as far as saying "he owes you nothing." Wrong. He owed me a BIG BOY parting. Whether it was in person, email, letter, card, one sentance. For the wife, the NC should start immediatly. Ok. But this wasn't an affair of sex. I wasn't someone who waited for him in a motel room. Should his wife come first?? ABSOLUTLY. He can make her first... let her be first...... and do what he needs to do. And I should get "I am sorry. I want to stay with my wife and work on my marriage. Goodbye." I don't think in anyway is he a "good boy". He wasn't when he started the affair with you nor when he ended it. What he is doing to you by not saying anything is a continuation of a pattern. It is pattern of putting what he needs first. A pattern of not giving a flying fig about the consequences of his actions. More importantly a pattern of not communicating as an adult male should. Now as long as he was doing those things to his wife...you were fine with it. That is not to say you shouldn't feel how ever you feel....just know you aren't the only one he put in that position. And whatever choice was made...why would you be so sure she made it with him? She didn't make the decision for him to be with you in the first place. Vent away...but as long as you wait for some outside source to move you forward you will sit right in the center of the stew you are in. 4
stevie_23 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Ok, so the pressure & reality set in for him it seems. But what is with this coward act of not saying anything? Not an email, a Dear Jane letter, not a letter, a card... something even sent from work, so she doesn't know. The phone is still on. The number has not been changed. She never answered for him, or text me not to contact him again. (which btw, I stopped, because I am not going to do that) But, I did leave voicemail (2) crying...before I stopped. They said if this is the choice he made, as painful as it is for me, ok... but please don't act like I don't exist here. It's been nearly 6 weeks. I cry on & off all day. I know what I am & what I did. I see that he feels he can not leave his family. But, where in all of that does no one answer that phone? Where in all of that doesn't he send a note saying "Please, I have to stay with my wife. I'm sorry." I'm broken. Promises from one of the lifelong friends I held more dear to me. God, this is me. I read the whole thing, and it is so similar to my experience. I was with my recent-ex "husband" online and in text form for almost 2 years, and then...he got a new job, his wife found out about us AGAIN (it had been multiple times) and he just...left. I posted a VERY long thread in the breakups section of this forum about it, if you're interested in a bit of a novel. I will offer you this - I believe he truly did feel everything he told you. It was not just empty words to keep you around. I really think he wanted to be with you. I also think it's incredibly hard for people (some more than others) to make the difficult leap from their existing, fairly stable if unsatisfying life to another life...the unknown...you. A fantasy, perhaps...more so than their reality. It's hard. And many won't do it in the end no matter how much they want to. My ex was planning for ages to leave his wife, but...he never did, for various reasons. I do understand those reasons, now...it's taken a while to get to that place of understanding though. My ex, the first 2 times his wife found out about us, it wasn't a big deal. The first time our contact wasn't broken for even a minute. He just got more careful about being with me online. The second time we lost touch for 2 days because she took his phone and laptop away. He got them back quickly though, as he needed them for work. The 3rd time was a big one. She deleted his email account, took his new secret phone he'd bought to replace the other one she'd confiscated and that was no longer private. He told me what happened right away, but then disappeared for 2 weeks. No contact at all. It took another month after that for us to slowly get back up to regular email and online chat contact again. Each time she has never discussed any of this with him. His feelings, his motives, his reasons, what he wants out of his life, etc. Nothing. She just removes the tools he uses to contact me and thinks that's enough. I find this...odd. But each to their own. Anyway...so a month ago, we had a fight. He'd started a new office job that was getting him down and distancing him from me in a strange way. He had less time to himself (though it didn't really affect our time much, or it shouldn't have if he was still wanting to be with me), and after our brief fight in a chat, he suddenly left saying he couldn't deal with it. I expected him to be there for our next arranged chat the following day, but he wasn't and we never chatted again. 8 days of silence followed. It killed me. It was torture. We always talked, multiple times a day. I couldn't grasp that he just wouldn't talk to me after such a small fight. I thought he couldn't have felt our relationship was worth very much if he was willing to end it over THAT, and I thought he can't value me as a person much if he wouldn't even TELL me it was over (if it was). So on day 8...I noticed he'd put a new song up on a songwriting forum he goes on (we both write and sing songs), called Remember. And the first words of it were "It's done". Omg. A knife through the heart. I was in a public place too and couldn't even break down and cry. I was shaking, could hardly walk. I couldn't believe firstly that it was really over, and secondly that he had ended it in a SONG. He hadn't even given me the respect or dignity to TELL me to my face (in an email, or whatever). I tried to contact him...to ask WHY? What was going on, etc? I still thought he was furious with me at that stage. Finally, 3 days later he wrote back saying the day after our fight, his wife had presented him with his bank records, showing his monthly payments to the secret phone company. He couldn't deny it and threw his phone away. He said he had tried to move on, and couldn't live 2 lives anymore, not with his new job. He also said his computer connection in his music studio was broken so all he had was work now. This is all just a flimsy and transparent excuse for it being too hard for him now and he's gotten bored with me and there's no longer enough of a reward for him risking his stable home life there. The life that doesn't make him happy. He could easily afford to get his computer fixed. He goes online every single night on his new work-supplied iPad as well, so he CAN do it. He just doesn't want ME. Nothing else has changed in his life apart from that. So. Yeah. I find it throws them around a lot when their wives find out. He cares for her but doesn't love her and even said to me 2 months ago that if she did happen to find out about us again, that he would be out of that house but we wouldn't be over. Hah. Yeah, right. It's amazing to me how these people think it's somehow acceptable to just have NO contact whatsoever. It's I think because we are not 100% real to them. Like, when their real life problems take over, they ignore us and forget we are still here, wondering what the hell is going on and totally heartbroken. I feel your pain.
GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 What he is doing to you by not saying anything is a continuation of a pattern. It is pattern of putting what he needs first. A pattern of not giving a flying fig about the consequences of his actions. . this. i needed to read this so badly tonight. thank you.
stevie_23 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 ^^ This is true. I'm not sure it's something they do out of malice or callousness. I doubt it. I think their real life just overwhelms them and they are literally mentally and emotionally incapable of feeling how anyone else feels at that moment. It is very hurtful.
SunshineToday Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I disagree & yes, I am the "OW", so I would disagree I suppose. Again, I am not disputing his wife is the victim in all of this. I can absolutely agree with & understand a betrayed spouse saying "no contact at all." But what did they (yes, then her included) think would happen here. He knew I was waiting. He knew I was here thinking he was going to return. So, had he handled this as he should, he would have solidly put it out there "I'm sorry, but I am going to stay with my life. I want to stay in my marriage and I can not, will not talk to you or see you again." ... finished the end. No, instead, you want to tell me he did it the right way. In that, I was sitting here.... not knowing "this" is what his "choice" was. Their "choice" was & that I was to sit here and guess that. Um, I havent had a magic 8 ball since I was eleven. I didn't do this all on my own. Furthermore, even though I was very wrong, I am not the one married. You seem to make it out like "aww, he is being a good boy now. aww, good boy. suck it up other woman, you homewrecker Im sorry for your pain. But Im going to be blunt, his immediate no contact, no goodbye, no explanation is the answer you are looking for. He didnt even care enough to do that, the feelings you are so sure he had for you, he didnt have. He did and said what he had to do, to get you to stroke his ego, pay him attn, give him sex! Take the blessing in disguise that is NC and do something for yourself to help you stop caring about a man who obviously doesnt care for you.
Author fooled2manyX Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 Stevie 23, I hear you. I feel you. I look at it this way...... even a murderer on death row gets a a priest & last rights before the execution. I know hearing it from him would hurt. Probably just as bad, because it's over. I understand that reality doesn't change. But, to leave someone somewhere knowing that they don't know.... they are expecting to see you again..... and just chalk it up to "she'll figure it out", is horrible.
stevie_23 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Yes, it is. Thank you. It is SO bad. It is cruel and heartless. It is also a total shock to me as he treated me with nothing but love and respect and support for almost 2 years.
Silly_Girl Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Yep, it's horrible, rude and callous. However, if someone's ending something you're not done with, whatever they say won't be enough. Try writing what his final email to you would have looked like, if he'd sent it. Then try replying. Repeat as necessary. I was grief-stricken and going through that fake-email process did me more good than everything else put together. I don't need to explain why/how, if you do it you'll see. 1
MissBee Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I don't think in anyway is he a "good boy". He wasn't when he started the affair with you nor when he ended it. What he is doing to you by not saying anything is a continuation of a pattern. It is pattern of putting what he needs first. A pattern of not giving a flying fig about the consequences of his actions. More importantly a pattern of not communicating as an adult male should. Now as long as he was doing those things to his wife...you were fine with it. That is not to say you shouldn't feel how ever you feel....just know you aren't the only one he put in that position. And whatever choice was made...why would you be so sure she made it with him? She didn't make the decision for him to be with you in the first place. Vent away...but as long as you wait for some outside source to move you forward you will sit right in the center of the stew you are in. These are good points. Certainly one deserves to be told their relationship is over. No one wants to be left hanging or have someone disappear on them or not tell them when things change. But rightfully, a man in an affair is showing that he potentially (or very likely) has issues with communicating in relationships. If he can't tell his wife the marriage is over, then it's unsurprising that he also can't tell the OW that the affair is over either. It would indeed seem to be a sensible pattern. It's really tough though to be left hanging. But we can't force closure from another so the best we can do is piece together what makes sense to us and try to use what we know in order to move forward. 1
Author fooled2manyX Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 Alexandria35... thank you. I have also thought of what you wrote. What I venture to guess is no, he sure doesn't want to rock that boat. He wants to try and keep his family intact. He never wanted to be without his children in any capacity and voiced this to me when we were together. I knew it, of course. That is why I asked him numerous times.. "Do you want to stay? Do you want to work on your marriage." He said "no". Now.. There are many here who are going to say that "a man will say anything". He will tell you what you want to hear. I don't doubt it. But, I also believe a person will say what they want & mean it. I think seeing the scenarios in his head and the reality when it hit are two different things. I would say to him "What about when your father in law has you up against a wall" or "What about when the kids are crying?" And he said "Believe me, everything you have mentioned I have went over 100x in my head." So, we know that envisioning it and living it are two very different things. I also know, despite a post left above by someone else, that this was not so much about ego or sex. I know for many it is. And I will go as far as saying to feel wanted, needed, attracted to, loved, by another is a huge driving force. I have had a number of relationships. Some were quite loving, while another was with a true narcissit. In this case now, with this one, he is most certainly putting my needs (even just the need for closure) last. As I said before, I understand putting my needs last or dismissing them totally. As he is trying to save his family. But I have needed a letter of goodbye. Alexandria, I am torn & agree with you above. I feel on one hand he is abiding by the NC for his wife. But, knowing him, I also believe he doesn't have the nads to face me... when he made many promises to me. When he talked about us spending the rest of our lives together. Marrying me one day. A child. How do you go to someone and tell them that those huge life experiences are now off the table. They will never happen. It's not like "I said we would go to dinner and we can't go now". I think he was beside himself with how to possibly face me with that. But now, now that I had called & text his phone (providing she doesnt have it) It's hard for me to believe he heard me crying for closure, for a "goodbye"', to put an end to this for me... it's hard for me to believe that he heard that & would not find a way to give that to me. Despite how some feel... I do feel I am owed that. If I have to forget all of which he said he wanted from me & with me, then I feel I at least owed "im sorry. goodbye"
ThatJustHappened Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I disagree & yes, I am the "OW", so I would disagree I suppose. Again, I am not disputing his wife is the victim in all of this. I can absolutely agree with & understand a betrayed spouse saying "no contact at all." But what did they (yes, then her included) think would happen here. He knew I was waiting. He knew I was here thinking he was going to return. So, had he handled this as he should, he would have solidly put it out there "I'm sorry, but I am going to stay with my life. I want to stay in my marriage and I can not, will not talk to you or see you again." ... finished the end. No, instead, you want to tell me he did it the right way. In that, I was sitting here.... not knowing "this" is what his "choice" was. Their "choice" was & that I was to sit here and guess that. Um, I havent had a magic 8 ball since I was eleven. I didn't do this all on my own. Furthermore, even though I was very wrong, I am not the one married. You seem to make it out like "aww, he is being a good boy now. aww, good boy. suck it up other woman, you homewrecker." Newsflash... there was no gun to his head. These plans he made with me about a future for us, "he" made. So, going as far as saying "he owes you nothing." Wrong. He owed me a BIG BOY parting. Whether it was in person, email, letter, card, one sentance. For the wife, the NC should start immediatly. Ok. But this wasn't an affair of sex. I wasn't someone who waited for him in a motel room. Should his wife come first?? ABSOLUTLY. He can make her first... let her be first...... and do what he needs to do. And I should get "I am sorry. I want to stay with my wife and work on my marriage. Goodbye." He decided his wife's feelings were more important than yours, so he's doing what she's obviously asked him to do. You may feel like he owes you, but he clearly feels like he owes his wife more, and he's right. He's no good boy..he's certainly no prize..you're not missing out on anything. You're not losing anything. Nobody deserves to be deserted..is this really a person you want in your life? If the answer is yes, you need help..if the answer is no, then why are you so worried about getting a Dear Jane letter? 3
Author fooled2manyX Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 ThatJustHappend.. I will tell you this. It's a public forum and you can say what you want. You have. You have asked is this really a person I want in my life & told me I need help if that's the case...and said if the answer is "no", then why I am so worried about getting a Dear Jane letter. Maybe it seems that cut & dry to you. It's not to me and I want one.... because I do. I came to the OW/OM forum (this forum we are in right now) for opinions yes, but for support. I think quite possibly, you are in the wrong forum. But, being that it's public you can do as you wish. Also because it's a public forum, I can tell you I see you have posted 700x to people, but only wrote 7 threads of your own. Why were you paniced, crying, emotional, when you wanted to know if a man's abandonment issues would cause him to disappear on you? Did someone tell you "you need help" because you posted about a personal hurt? I am worried about getting a letter, just like you were worried about your situation.
Author fooled2manyX Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 I don't want him to betray her again. He betrayed her enough (and me) by talking about a life with me, making a baby.... telling me like a big boy, like an adult, taking responsibility. I know he betrayed her and I know I allowed that to happen because I love him and I wanted to hear those things. I wanted those things with him. I'm sure she would laugh at my posts, as you mentioned. I had laughed at a woman when it was done to me, years back. I get that reality. No different reaction would be expected. I didn't think for him. I didn't shove words in his mouth. I didn't feel for him. I am not saying in any way I should come before her. I am saying he should have told me. Period. "I love my wife & this is over. I can never see you or speak to you again after this." That's not betrayal. That would be the truth. I have heard from men & women both & both said that saying nothing at all, is wrong.
seren Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 After H told me about his A, I said he should do more than end with the text, 'it's over'. The OW rang our house repeatedly to get answers as to why he had ended it, while I hated the A, hated what they had done, I also understood that for her to move along she needed closure. H was adamant that he wanted nothing to do with her, his explanation was that D Day and saying the words letting me know about the A made him realise what he had been doing. Good old compartmentalising, I spoke to the OW a number of times and her hurt was very apparent, I tried to explain that while she was surprised by how he was dealing with, or not dealing with ending the A, I wasn't because she hadn't seen how he had and had always had conflict avoidance tendencies, especially when dealing with problems or things he didn't want to face. IMHO, It should be that the WS has the backbone to end an A relationship, but then if a backbone was in place, there would have been honesty for the BS also at the beginning of the A. To the OP, I don't think you will get closure, I don't think it is to do with you, but with him and how he deals with things, not that, that is any consolation. When OW and I spoke, there were a number of questions we both had for each other, both of us were surprised to hear that what we thought was not what actually was and I wonder if anyone really gets to understand or see the WS as they are while in an A simply because neither get to see them in that relationship, if that makes any sense. Maybe he has always been the same and maybe he has always dealt with situations (sorry not a very good word) he doesn't want to face up to, maybe he is afraid it will show him to be different from the person he has presented, who knows, and that of course is the crux of it. Not knowing why is dammed awful, while you might never get closure from him, I hope you find closure for you. 3
ComingInHot Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 fooledtomanyxs; I'm Not laughing at your posts at all. If anything they make me want to cry w/you. Not as an OW but knowing still the pain from an A as the BW. The silence IS the worst, isn't it?!?! I had eight or so months of it From my FWH and we work AND Live together. I hated the silence too. You know, LS is a GREAT place to break that silence. Share your pain turn rage to sorrow turn Healing... There will be people here who Totally get where you are and why. There will be some who understand where you are but don't agree. Some will Agree. Some won't get it At all. And you know what, that is a GOOD thing! Why? Because you will gain a real perspective that you may not have had before. Sure, we can read the words in a book and "know" what the message is BUT here, if you can read through some of the anger and pain you Will not only Know the message But feel it as well from the other sides. Hang in, Sleep well & maybe leave the radio on tonight to drown out the silence* 1
waterwoman Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I agree that you deserve a letter or email. He has behaved dishonourably. The fact that he has also behaved dishonourably towards his wife doesn't make it any better. 2 wrongs don't make a right. If his wife is demanding total instant NC I appreciate that he feels obliged to stick to that but I' d be surprised. In my case and in many others on LS the BS demanded an NC letter be written and sent. Only when that is sent can they begin to process the situation in safety. sorry for your situation x
seren Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 MFH, I am older than you and possibly further along from D Day and also, possibly because there were situations in H's life at the time of the A, that made me realise the why's of the A, however, I don't suggest anyone, BS or otherwise act or feel a certain way - we all can only post from our perspective, and I sure am not holier than though, but maybe see things from my own world view. I don't think anyone owes anyone anything, but maybe what we all should have and that is respect. I hated H's A, we had been together for over 23 years when he had the A, so don't underestimate my hurt, but, I can also understand that in an A there are 3 people involved and that ultimately there will be at least 2 of those that are left hurt and thinking WTF. To not have closure, is, IMHO, a painful experience, to believe that things, promises said or otherwise were true, only to find they were not is painful for anyone and that is how I view my responses over on this side of the LS side. I can relate very well to hurt and feeling lost and needing answers, I respond as one person to another. I also think that there are many BS who are along the road who believe that closure is necessary, if nothing else, it allows for the closure of one door to enable the healing process of reconciling, for the AP it can also allow for healing from the A too and not give false hope or even concern that something has happened.
spice4life Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 (edited) MFH, regardless of whether you agree or not, fooled2many is still entitled to her feelings. If she wants to be angry that her xMM future faked her instead of making his limitations clear she can. This is her healing process. She is human, she is hurt and this is how she is feeling right now. There are many feelings she has yet to experience and yes, remorse will be one of them. It doesn't matter what side of the triangle a person is on, they are still in pain and have to go through the healing process. Sure, you may feel the OW doesn't have a right to feel any sort of anger, but that is not realistic. But that is part of your healing process and you are entitled to feel it. You can't tell a person they have no right to feel what they feel simply because you believe they are wrong for being in an affair in the first place. What are they suppose to do? Stuff it and live in a state of pergatory (sp?) for the rest of their life? You may want that for the OW, but again, it is not reality. In order for fooled2many to learn from this experience, she must go through her own healing process to get there. This whole experience will probably make her take a look within herself to figure out why she ended up on this path to begin with. The WH and BS have their journey on the path to healing their marriage and the OW has her own path to healing. Part of her heaing will be truly accepting responsibility for her part in all of this, but she has to go through some other phases first to get there. Edited January 8, 2013 by spice4life 1
TaraMaiden Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I hate to throw what might be an even worse spanner into the works here, but - it's weird, really, that after 20 years this has just come to an immediate, abrupt and completely wordless halt. At the risk of causing panic - are you sure he's ok? I mean, health-wise? is it possible something may have happened? I don't mean to set alarm bells ringing, or create an even worse scenario, but we don't know his age, but it must be 'Middle+'.... could there be another reason you have heard nothing?
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