Ender Posted August 18, 2004 Posted August 18, 2004 Sorry this is so long.. but if you're willing to read it I would really appreciate any advice or opinions.. So.. I was with my girlfriend for a year and a half until about 3 months ago now. Met in college and from the day we met to the last day of last semester we never went a day that we were both at school without making time to see eachother. We spent more or less all of our free time together and shared alot. Just about everything we each like to do, the other likes to do also.. especially together. We were in love from the day we met.. In the last few months of our relationship I had begun to think of what it would be like to have children with her, considering I'd actively not wanted children until then.. and I began to find an interest in religion through finding so much happiness with her.. She always wanted me to attend church with her, but I wasn't going to go if I didn't feel it.. and the feelings solidified just a bit too late. She talked to me, and even more so her friends about being married to me, having kids, and planning grad school together. In fact, the main reason she took summer classes was to graduate the same time as me because she is in a longer program. She wrote about seeing perfect love between us not long before it ended.. and always said she felt so safe and wonderful in my arms.. and that she was totally in love with me.. For my part, I don't think I even approached appreciating what I had as much as I should, but I was definetely totally in love with her and did appreciate her.. she just is wonderfully sweet, beautiful, she has my ideal temperment for playfulness.. and it just always felt so good to be with her doing anything or nothing. For once in my life I was really certain that she was right for me.. and thought I was for her. She has pretty much every quality I could ever want in someone to spend my life with. We never really argued about anything.. the only problems we ever had were times that occasionally I would let frustration build up to the point it would come out at her in the form of getting frankly rather bitchy and at times really upsetting her.. a habit I seem to have inherited from my dad, but never really realised it was as much of a problem as it was.. looking back I can't believe I ever let myself show any of the frustration directed at her. The last week of last semester was rough for both of us, and we had some rough times getting frustrated with each other at times over little things.. After classes ended she was still at school and I was home some distance away, so I only made it up every few weeks. The 3rd time I came up, she was acting weird.. and I eventually dragged out of her that she was feeling unsure about being with me. That day just sortof went to hell from there.. and it ended that she didnt know what she wanted and would tell me when she figured it out. About a week later she finally told me she felt like we needed some time apart. The saturday after that I went back up to see her and try to see if she would give me another chance to work through whatever the problem was, and make sure she knew how I felt about her. After a little while explaining my feelings, she eventually said that a few days ago shed told a guy she was interested in him and was with him, and she couldnt ignore her feelings for him. Little background there.. about a week before I found out she had doubts she had asked me if I minded her going climbing with a guy she knew in class, and I told her I didnt care because I trusted her and knew how we felt about eachother.. she said I was the sweetest guy ever. She also asked a few days later if I minded her maybe going to a music festival with him a few weekends from then. So, surprise surprise, the guy she was with is this guy. Also, rather than come to me as I always asked her to when she had a problem, she went to him to talk about it. She has recently told me she didnt tell me because she didn't want to cause me any distress and thought it would fix itself. She has been with him since then.. 3 months about.. and for a while has said she feels they have more in common than we did and may feel more for him. I really feel like her being perfect for me is the one thing I've ever really been sure of, and from remembering how she talked and wrote to me and acted with me until maybe 2 weeks before I can't believe she couldn't be as happy with me. She has even said since she was still in love with me at least 2 weeks before.. she always says she can't really say why, but has offered excuses about things not in common which just weren't true.. and neither falling out of love or a problem of friendship was the problem. She said she wasnt 'certain' about being with me for good.. and she wasnt sure about the way some of the romantic feeling.. not the love.. but the romantic feeling had slacked off.. we both had gotten comfortable and werent putting alot of effort into the relationship.. just letting it happen.. so yeah, it was still wonderfully happy but less.. exciting.. It really seems like she got scared thinking about how many things she was planning around me and got more and more unsure about little things.. and then went to someone else rather than me who for whatever reason she developed feelings for. She also tends to not expect anyone to show interest in her.. any time I called her beautiful shed say I was probably the only guy who would think that.. so I can imagine if he showed any interst in her it would also surprise her.. I have since talked to her sister and sister's boyfriend who were both around him and think he seems insincere.. like he tries to hard.. and just don't like him, but I don't know... I know I am not alone in feeling alot of pain about losing someone.. but it all just seems so wrong.. she did it when we couldnt be together much for a couple months, and the last extended time wed been together was really rough largely due to external things.. and I feel like I have realized I know so much better I could do.. Even her sister says this is not at all like her.. I guess I would just like to know what some people think about it all.. if there seems like much chance I could get another chance at her feelings at some point.. Thanks for any responses and I'll gladly answer any questions..
morrigan Posted August 18, 2004 Posted August 18, 2004 Sometimes people grow apart. Sometimes a breakup is inexpicable to the other person, who thought everything was going great. In the end, if someone feels that they are no longer in love or committed enough to the other person, it is in the best interest of both people that they break up as amicably as possible. Your ex girlfriend may have felt that she wasn't as committed to you for longer than what she told you. She may have no longer felt like she was in love with you enough to share a future with you, including marriage. You can't be sure how long she has known this other guy, how long they have been friends before they started to see eachother. She apparently felt closer to him, and undoutedly also felt a lot of excitement with someone new. It would have been better for her to end her relationship with you before getting involved with this guy, but it didn't happen that way You both have graduated from college, it's a time when people have different ideas on where they want their life to go from there. A lot of people start to get nervous about what's going to happen after college--finding a job, relocating, separating from family, friends. It's a transitional time. The differences in you two--about religion, about children, about any other lifestyle choice--may have been more troubling than before. The best thing to, however painful it is, it to move on with your life. Spend time with your family and friends, take up activities you always wanted to do but didn't have the time to before. Don't have contact with your ex for a long time, it will hurt you every time you see or talk to her and know she is with someone else. It will take time, but the hurt and anger you are feeling will recede. I wish you the best of luck.
Author Ender Posted August 18, 2004 Author Posted August 18, 2004 Well, 1st we havnt graduated.. we are both Juniors.. and she met him in class over the summer.. so maybe 4 or 5 weeks before this started.. I realize that at times it can grow apart, but including the last time i saw her that we were together, 2 weeks before it all started, we were talking about marriage and being in love.. she has never even suggested she stopped being in love with me.. in fact before admitting she was with him now, she asked me if you can feel the same about 2 people. It was all too quick from being too perfect.. and she did it in the middle of a hard time because of being apart and the last major time together being rough. I just really hurt so badly missing her every day.. I don't know.. it just feels very wrong.. and I don't feel like I can ignore a feeling we were right together that is stronger than anything I've ever felt.
morrigan Posted August 18, 2004 Posted August 18, 2004 She is not ready to commit to you or anyone else, including this other guy. You may have felt 100% committed to her, but she obviously did not feel that way about you anymore. You each have independent feelings; what felt right for you may have felt confusing for her. I have had friends who were planning engagements only a few weeks before they ended a shaky relationship. Your ex may have thought that planning ahead for your future together would somehow make your relationship stronger I'm not trying to hurt you, but to make you understand that while you felt that this was a great relationship, her feelings at some point did change. Many of us on LS have been through breakups--it is painful to have what you considered a wonderful relationship end, but it also is not fair to expect or demand someone to stay with you if they no longer love you. It's also not good to put your life on hold, hoping that your former SO will change their mind and want to be with you again. If she is confused, I still say to have no contact. If you see her publicly, be friendly, but don't be involved in her personal life. She needs to decide what she wants out of life, and who she wants to be with.
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