My girlfirend doesn't know when to leave

[JungleLover]

I've been dating this woman for just almost 3 months. She lives about 2 hours away from me but has family that lives in the same city as I do. We get along great and I enjoy her company but I am hesitant to have her over to my place at times because when she comes over and she will stay for days.

 

She works from home so she can pretty much stay wherever. She will drive to my place on the weekends and the following morning she will just continue to lounge around in the bed until late morning and eventually say, "I don't feel like going home today, you mind if I just go home to tomorrow and just work from here?" or she will just keep hanging out until it gets late and say nothing. She has turned this into 4 day stretch on a couple of occasions. I will drop hints like telling her I have to meet up with so and so this evening but she just say she will hang out back at my place and wait until I return.

 

I admit, it I am partly to blame for starting this behavior but it was definitely unintentional. One day she drove up late to see me so I didn't want to kick her out the following morning when I went to work. Since I only had to work about two hours that day, I just let her sleep in the bed until I returned about 2 and a half hours later. Now, I created monster. She expects to just hang back at my place while I go to work the next day after she spends a night at my place. She even asked if she can leave some of her toiletries in my bathroom.

 

The relationship is going great otherwise so I hate to destroy her enthusiasm for our new relationship but I have to do something. We have a lot of fun but I need some time to myself and sometimes I just want to hang out with her without spending a night with each other or making it a whole weekend thing of it. She has her own house that she owns but mine is bigger and I wonder if she is already thinking that she could just easily move in since she works from home anyway. She wants to drive up this Monday and "stop by" but I know that means stay a couple of nights or so and I work during the week, of course.

[Treasa]

"Hey, I think you're great, but we've only been dating for three months, and that's not enough time for me to want to live with someone else, or feel like I am. I'm sure you understand that." And then smile.

[lovebug1234]

this is a tough one, it's a double edge sword, i would just get a little busy OR hang out at HER house, that way you can leave.

[fooled2manyX]

As a woman, we tend to do this. Just move faster in this area than we should. (without realizing it) Being that you do like her & want to continue seeing her, but don't want this issue to cause the end of it, I would try the following: I myself made this mistake when I was younger (about 10 yrs ago) I don't know how old you guys are... but my ex (who I am friends with today) told me this: "You didn't give me the time or space to miss you." This is SO true. Two people, especially in the beginning of dating (but also later on) need time to miss one another. Not be "under foot", if you will. So....

 

Just be honest. She will respect that more than if you disappear due to this. Simply say to her "I like where this is headed and I really enjoy our time together. But, I want to miss you. I like missing you, because it allows me the ability to want to see you again. I don't want us burning out, when this has the potential to become something good."

 

I think if you take that approach, you can continue to see a great girl and not lose your personal time in the process.

 

Good Luck.

[JungleLover]

As a woman, we tend to do this. Just move faster in this area than we should. (without realizing it) Being that you do like her & want to continue seeing her, but don't want this issue to cause the end of it, I would try the following: I myself made this mistake when I was younger (about 10 yrs ago) I don't know how old you guys are... but my ex (who I am friends with today) told me this: "You didn't give me the time or space to miss you." This is SO true. Two people, especially in the beginning of dating (but also later on) need time to miss one another. Not be "under foot", if you will. So....

 

Just be honest. She will respect that more than if you disappear due to this. Simply say to her "I like where this is headed and I really enjoy our time together. But, I want to miss you. I like missing you, because it allows me the ability to want to see you again. I don't want us burning out, when this has the potential to become something good."

 

I think if you take that approach, you can continue to see a great girl and not lose your personal time in the process.

 

Good Luck.

 

 

Thanks all for the feedback. I went with a variation of the above and it seem to have went okay. I could tell that she was still was concerned because she wasn't her usual very cheerful self last night but I think no one will walk away with smiles if you have to tell them something like this. I expected some concern or unhappiness on her part but it didn't turn into something nasty or dramatic and that I am thankful for.

[Maneater]

Thanks all for the feedback. I went with a variation of the above and it seem to have went okay. I could tell that she was still was concerned because she wasn't her usual very cheerful self last night but I think no one will walk away with smiles if you have to tell them something like this. I expected some concern or unhappiness on her part but it didn't turn into something nasty or dramatic and that I am thankful for.

 

good to hear! normally this forum is full of negative endings.

[Casablanca]

Thanks all for the feedback. I went with a variation of the above and it seem to have went okay. I could tell that she was still was concerned because she wasn't her usual very cheerful self last night but I think no one will walk away with smiles if you have to tell them something like this. I expected some concern or unhappiness on her part but it didn't turn into something nasty or dramatic and that I am thankful for.

Yeah, she is probably worried about you not liking her anymore which isn't the case and she will see that

[NoMoreJerks]

This is a lose-lose situation, I'm afraid.

 

I was like this (because I was eager to spend time with him). I thought he was just as eager, too, given that he was in my country, knew no one else in the country other than me , and would've been by himself, watching TV. I thought, where's the harm in spending time together, especially that he was here for only short periods of time? If he lived in my country, I probably wouldn't have spent that much time with him.

 

Anyway, when he told me, I was kinda offended and disappointed. I thought he was as eager to see me as I was to see him.

 

He said he wanted space. Maybe in your case, your gf will take it well, because you guys live in the same area/city, etc. In my case, I was disappointed because we didn't have much time to spend together ANYWAY (2 weeks maximum, during each trip).

[Samilia]

"Hey, I think you're great, but we've only been dating for three months, and that's not enough time for me to want to live with someone else, or feel like I am. I'm sure you understand that." And then smile.

 

Treasa's answer is good. Especially the smile part.

[Ruby Slippers]

Tell her you have other things to do.

 

She will drive to my place on the weekends and the following morning she will just continue to lounge around in the bed until late morning and eventually say, "I don't feel like going home today, you mind if I just go home to tomorrow and just work from here?"

 

Answer: "I have a lot of errands to run today, but you can stay till noon (or whenever)." (no negotiating - you have a life)

 

I will drop hints like telling her I have to meet up with so and so this evening but she just say she will hang out back at my place and wait until I return.

 

Answer: "I need to go, and I'd rather you not stay here while I'm gone." Since you've let her get away with this bad habit so far, you might have to soften it a little by talking about the next time she gets to come over.

 

She even asked if she can leave some of her toiletries in my bathroom.

 

Answer: "I'm not ready for that yet."

 

The relationship is going great otherwise so I hate to destroy her enthusiasm for our new relationship but I have to do something. We have a lot of fun but I need some time to myself and sometimes I just want to hang out with her without spending a night with each other or making it a whole weekend thing of it.

 

You're also letting her destroy the healthy space and distance you both need for this relationship to progress nicely. Don't be surprised when you burn out on each fast, if you let this continue.

 

She wants to drive up this Monday and "stop by" but I know that means stay a couple of nights or so and I work during the week, of course.

 

It doesn't mean that unless you let it happen. So don't.

[todreaminblue]

I've been dating this woman for just almost 3 months. She lives about 2 hours away from me but has family that lives in the same city as I do. We get along great and I enjoy her company but I am hesitant to have her over to my place at times because when she comes over and she will stay for days.

 

She works from home so she can pretty much stay wherever. She will drive to my place on the weekends and the following morning she will just continue to lounge around in the bed until late morning and eventually say, "I don't feel like going home today, you mind if I just go home to tomorrow and just work from here?" or she will just keep hanging out until it gets late and say nothing. She has turned this into 4 day stretch on a couple of occasions. I will drop hints like telling her I have to meet up with so and so this evening but she just say she will hang out back at my place and wait until I return.

 

I admit, it I am partly to blame for starting this behavior but it was definitely unintentional. One day she drove up late to see me so I didn't want to kick her out the following morning when I went to work. Since I only had to work about two hours that day, I just let her sleep in the bed until I returned about 2 and a half hours later. Now, I created monster. She expects to just hang back at my place while I go to work the next day after she spends a night at my place. She even asked if she can leave some of her toiletries in my bathroom.

 

The relationship is going great otherwise so I hate to destroy her enthusiasm for our new relationship but I have to do something. We have a lot of fun but I need some time to myself and sometimes I just want to hang out with her without spending a night with each other or making it a whole weekend thing of it. She has her own house that she owns but mine is bigger and I wonder if she is already thinking that she could just easily move in since she works from home anyway. She wants to drive up this Monday and "stop by" but I know that means stay a couple of nights or so and I work during the week, of course.

 

 

My best friend said to me once people come to your place and end up never leaving,then she tells me off and asks me to grow a backbone......she hates seeing me get taken advantage of and gets upset with me.... its the environment, and ultimately my fault they stay,even though there can be cyclones here its an easy place to stay,i have an ear that is available to listen so i get a lot of lonely people stay.....i sometimes find it difficult to ask people to leave, i have strong convictions about the open door policy, in saying that this policy is open door to getting taken advantage of....you have to be clear but kind.......you have that right to know how long is too long...say to her exactly how you feel but do it with kindness and not anger...dont let it get to the point where you explode......then ...you will be sorry.....deb

Edited January 8, 2013 by todreaminblue

[JungleLover]

We just talked about it some more over the phone and she seems to be taking it okay. She said that she tries to be a reasonable person but her initial reaction of being sort of withdrawn after was a natural feeling that came from the thought of someone not wanting to spend as much time with you as you would like.

 

I expected this but offered her reassurance and encouraged her to focus on the positives in our relationship. We discussed all of the great times we had thus far. Really, we have yet to argue or have even one negative experience with each other since we've been dating which made telling her what I had to say initially difficult. The good things is that we ended our conversation laughing and in a cheerful mood. She is normally pretty chill so I hope things will continue to be okay.

[FitChick]

I went through something similar. The guy would get pissy and passive aggressive and in a round about way say he needed to get some work done. I asked him why he didn't just tell me. No answer. That didn't last long. I don't like people who create drama.

[april38]

We just talked about it some more over the phone and she seems to be taking it okay. She said that she tries to be a reasonable person but her initial reaction of being sort of withdrawn after was a natural feeling that came from the thought of someone not wanting to spend as much time with you as you would like.

 

I expected this but offered her reassurance and encouraged her to focus on the positives in our relationship. We discussed all of the great times we had thus far. Really, we have yet to argue or have even one negative experience with each other since we've been dating which made telling her what I had to say initially difficult. The good things is that we ended our conversation laughing and in a cheerful mood. She is normally pretty chill so I hope things will continue to be okay.

 

 

She may not even be totally aware of this, or not willing to admit it, but this situation quite possibly hurt her ego a little bit. She might be embarrassed that she moved too quickly. Most of us women know that guys can be turned off by that, and we try hard to play it cool, but if we get caught in that situation it can be quite embarrassing. At least I know I would feel embarrassed. It sounds like you're handling this very well, so no advice really needed, but you might want to do something a little special for her next time you see each other just to reassure her that it's all good.

[Radu]

We just talked about it some more over the phone and she seems to be taking it okay. She said that she tries to be a reasonable person but her initial reaction of being sort of withdrawn after was a natural feeling that came from the thought of someone not wanting to spend as much time with you as you would like.

 

I expected this but offered her reassurance and encouraged her to focus on the positives in our relationship. We discussed all of the great times we had thus far. Really, we have yet to argue or have even one negative experience with each other since we've been dating which made telling her what I had to say initially difficult. The good things is that we ended our conversation laughing and in a cheerful mood. She is normally pretty chill so I hope things will continue to be okay.

 

Very smart of you to do it over the phone.

 

Nothing like shooting yourself in the foot with crucial communication by blocking out what is essentially 55% of it [body language].

[Million.to.1]

i think you handled well and now that she understands and you guys are on the same page, maybe it would be ok to let her put a toothbrush in your bathroom.

[Ninjainpajamas]

This is a slippery slope because you have to set the pace from the beginning...I know this is generalizing but women try to suck up a lot of your time initially if they see a lot of potential in you, they just want to like suck your face in and like bite off your head, and be apart of your whole life....they want your soul! ...it's their way of ingraining themselves into your life and pushing things forward, they're not really aware or keen on the fact that men just need their own time to unwind and have their own thoughts (honestly women want what they want, It's difficult for them to think outside of their own feelings/needs often times)...women convince themselves it's ok because it's what they want, and they don't realize they can be like "noise" and just throw off our whole balance as we can be very ritualistic about how we unwind and relax..and men typically relax the best alone, and/or with friends doing something you can only enjoy only with your friends, but even that for the adult man can be too much and has it's time and place.

 

I don't think many women realize how far they cross the boundary into personal space, you give them an inch and they take a mile. They tend to smother a man (moreso when young than older) because they haven't learned to pull on the reigns, but still regardless of age some women just become very attached and into their men...and yes men can be that way as well but typically in the beginning, but we need to take a break at some point and get a breather or it just becomes suffocating, I don't think women realize they are taking our time and attention even if they're just sitting there in the other room...it's the fact that they may come in and disrupt our harmonious environment, and they just don't get that.

 

This woman is moving fast, trying to sink in the claws to hold onto you...I don't think that's her intention it's more just her nature, you have to be able to communicate with her and express how you feel about it in a way that doesn't attack or offend her intentionally...passive aggressive behavior or resentment simply means you waited too long, you can't expect a woman to read your mind and you have to set the pace and boundaries...if you just go along with it then that's as much your own fault....but as a man it can take some time to realize and get the hang of that.

 

Establish how you feel, mention the positives and everything that is going well...because women will nail you to the cross without that, then start feeling rejected, abandoned and not good enough yadda yadda, then tell her how you work, and what kind of space you typically need and how this will need to be a transition for you that you both should communicate your needs and express how you feel to each other as things progress.

 

They don't say just communication is key for a no reason, but people are still learning exactly what that means...as a man IMO you have to lead and take responsibility for the pacing and creating your own space, if you leave it up to a woman then she'll just keep moving forward...whether she's just the insecure clingy type or just really wants to be with you and apart of your life quickly then you've got to be able to tell her no, and speak up for yourself, you can't be timid or shy and tuck your tail between your legs then get pissed off because she didn't take the hint.

 

You opened the door and she walked through it, but now she's staying, you have to be careful what you do with a woman because she's going to read into it much more, they over-analyze and read into everything.

 

With that being said, I do suspect your emotions and interest may not be equal to hers, which is why she's already becoming a bit of a pest. I suspect the flame may burn out quickly here after the initial flurry. Even though I think you think she's alright and fun to be around and for the 3 months of this relationship. I suspect the chemistry and romantic interest level is lacking.

 

Are you somebody who is commitment phobic or just got out of a long-term relationship? still not over an ex?

[april38]

Ninjainpajamas - In a normal situation your concerns are very valid, but do you realize that this woman lives 2 hours away? That's an awfully long drive to make on a regular basis just to visit for an afternoon. She's probably just trying to save some gas by getting in more than just one day on her visits. Now that she knows it's infringing on his personal time she will probably be more conscious of it. If she's not more conscious of it after this discussion they had, THEN she might be a "life-sucker".

[Treasa]

I agree that it's important to set boundaries. Especially over something relatively minor like this. If the other person can't handle that, the chances of them handling an actual crisis...kinda scary.

 

I'm a woman, but I need my alone time. I barely tolerate my roommate.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Ninjainpajamas - In a normal situation your concerns are very valid, but do you realize that this woman lives 2 hours away? That's an awfully long drive to make on a regular basis just to visit for an afternoon. She's probably just trying to save some gas by getting in more than just one day on her visits. Now that she knows it's infringing on his personal time she will probably be more conscious of it. If she's not more conscious of it after this discussion they had, THEN she might be a "life-sucker".

 

My gut feeling and vibe is she is just the type of girl to do this...with any guy she is really into. I don't think this is a special situation or treatment for him.

 

Additionally she does live two hours away and that is a drive but it doesn't mean she's going to invite herself over for 4 days in a row to be with this guy, she's going to be concerned with giving him his space and coming off too dependent and clingy. You'll see a lot of couples even on LS maybe spend a weekend or every other together, and they're supposedly ravaging "in love" with each other.

 

I don't get this strong romantic vibe here....I could consider the time, but that would be just the type of female rationalization to condone that kind of stay over, it's exactly the type of things women do and say to make something ok that they know is a bit on the appropriate side, especially if she was paying any attention to him trying to pull away and tell her he's busy, I'm sure he's tried to send hints but she's not listening.

 

I'm going to go with "life sucker" on this one...meaning I think she'll be offended, worry about the relationship then be anxious and paranoid, over-analyzing it and becoming worried...and he'll feel a bit walking on egg shells and see the change in her demeanor...meaning he can tell she is not satisfied, then he'll likely break form and invite her over to stay more and appease her...although he doesn't really want to spend more time with her and necessarily be around her, he has his reasons for wanting this relationship although I feel the "romance" is tapering off quite quickly and will continually decline, especially as the first initial problems/trials are first starting to pop out...I doubt this will hold, due to distance and incompatible needs.

[darkmoon]

My gut feeling and vibe is she is just the type of girl to do this...with any guy she is really into. I don't think this is a special situation or treatment for him.

 

Additionally she does live two hours away and that is a drive but it doesn't mean she's going to invite herself over for 4 days in a row to be with this guy, she's going to be concerned with giving him his space and coming off too dependent and clingy. You'll see a lot of couples even on LS maybe spend a weekend or every other together, and they're supposedly ravaging "in love" with each other.

 

I don't get this strong romantic vibe here....I could consider the time, but that would be just the type of female rationalization to condone that kind of stay over, it's exactly the type of things women do and say to make something ok that they know is a bit on the appropriate side, especially if she was paying any attention to him trying to pull away and tell her he's busy, I'm sure he's tried to send hints but she's not listening.

 

I'm going to go with "life sucker" on this one...meaning I think she'll be offended, worry about the relationship then be anxious and paranoid, over-analyzing it and becoming worried...and he'll feel a bit walking on egg shells and see the change in her demeanor...meaning he can tell she is not satisfied, then he'll likely break form and invite her over to stay more and appease her...although he doesn't really want to spend more time with her and necessarily be around her, he has his reasons for wanting this relationship although I feel the "romance" is tapering off quite quickly and will continually decline, especially as the first initial problems/trials are first starting to pop out...I doubt this will hold, due to distance and incompatible needs.

 

or she might move on to a man who gives her what she needs

(n he might want to get his paws/claws in her )

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't see that the real problem here is the woman staying over too long. It's that the OP has ALLOWED her to do that. I wouldn't let a man I've only been dating a few months stay at my house indefinitely, and certainly not while I'm gone. It's his house - he makes the rules. So far, he hasn't really made any rules. He's just let her do whatever she wants.

[Ninjainpajamas]

or she might move on to a man who gives her what she needs

(n he might want to get his paws/claws in her )

 

Personally for me this wouldn't be a problem being that I was sufficiently romantically interested in the woman...especially if I was very into the girl and she was doing her own thing, as long as there was some time in between, like 3 days to recover then I'd be fine again.

 

If it became overwhelming then I'd just say I'd like to spend some time alone this week, I make pretty clear to women that I do need my personal space that I'm going to pursue a relationship with as I know as much as I like to spend time with them, I do need my man cave time.

 

It just really depends on the girl/interest level. But I think I could spend more time with a woman than the average guy as I enjoy their company.

 

I don't see that the real problem here is the woman staying over too long. It's that the OP has ALLOWED her to do that. I wouldn't let a man I've only been dating a few months stay at my house indefinitely, and certainly not while I'm gone. It's his house - he makes the rules. So far, he hasn't really made any rules. He's just let her do whatever she wants.

 

Men often have difficulty explaining themselves and expressing themselves because they worry about how the woman will react and feel guilty and don't want to hurt their feelings, that is why many men avoid confrontation, they just kind of grumble over it and deal with it without knowing what to do or say to resolve it, then it just becomes a bigger problem down the road because the woman will hold it against him, women don't typically take much responsibility in understanding a mans needs half as much as they expect him to understand hers...although she will convince herself that doing something for him and spending time with him is somewhat what he needs coincidentally.

 

He didn't make any rules, but It appears this really got away from him...I'm sure in the future he'll think twice about it.

[april38]

My gut feeling and vibe is she is just the type of girl to do this...with any guy she is really into. I don't think this is a special situation or treatment for him.

 

Additionally she does live two hours away and that is a drive but it doesn't mean she's going to invite herself over for 4 days in a row to be with this guy, she's going to be concerned with giving him his space and coming off too dependent and clingy. You'll see a lot of couples even on LS maybe spend a weekend or every other together, and they're supposedly ravaging "in love" with each other.

 

I don't get this strong romantic vibe here....I could consider the time, but that would be just the type of female rationalization to condone that kind of stay over, it's exactly the type of things women do and say to make something ok that they know is a bit on the appropriate side, especially if she was paying any attention to him trying to pull away and tell her he's busy, I'm sure he's tried to send hints but she's not listening.

 

I'm going to go with "life sucker" on this one...meaning I think she'll be offended, worry about the relationship then be anxious and paranoid, over-analyzing it and becoming worried...and he'll feel a bit walking on egg shells and see the change in her demeanor...meaning he can tell she is not satisfied, then he'll likely break form and invite her over to stay more and appease her...although he doesn't really want to spend more time with her and necessarily be around her, he has his reasons for wanting this relationship although I feel the "romance" is tapering off quite quickly and will continually decline, especially as the first initial problems/trials are first starting to pop out...I doubt this will hold, due to distance and incompatible needs.

 

 

 

Hi Ninjainpajamas - Will you please come out on dates with me to analyze the men I date?? You sure have a knack for seeing the big picture. I'm not sure it's the true picture, but you definitely have talent for painting a clear one. Bravo!! :-)

[darkmoon]

if i were his girl, i wouldn't turn down other dates, not after being sent away, told not to be around so much - i'd see a red flag n would quietly plan on going where i'm more appreciated or at least where there's some fun

 

what would you like me (her) to do instead?

stay in, til i get your calls?