Atamawood Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 First off hello everyone, I've been reading these forums for awhile and been getting some great information from everyone and I thought I could share my story to help others out as well and too get some feed back to! Story time! Its long I know, but I believe its a worth while read. And with it your gonna get both angles to the story or how at least ive worked it out in my head, and maybe work out that yea, what happened was bad, but there are always two sides to every coin. So. Me and my uh... ex... girlfriend got together about two years ago after I ended a relationship that had run its course. The love was explosive, amazing, unlike anything I had felt before. We were on fire! It was pretty much LDR for the first few months as we lived about 40 miles apart, and she was a senior in high school and I a freshman in college and was working. I would drive to her few times a week to see her but our visits always brief, really created a lot of lusting and longing for sure. As time went on we grew extremely close and she graduated high school and she began staying over with me a lot and it was wonderful. We had an amazing summer together, some of the best memories of my life really, I loved this girl crazy and she loved me back I know that. Sex was amazing everything was. We have so much in common and enjoy the same things so much. We never fought. Then we began going to college together and it was great at first. But right around our year "anniversary" things started going down hill. Now there are a lot of moving parts to this story and its hard to keep them all in mind so bear with me. Right around that year mark I suppose I sort of checked out. Being a manager at my job as well as trying to balance out my school work and my social life became a total tug of war. I broke down and kind of shut everything out including this girl who meant everything to me. I also at this time developed a bad habit of drowning my self in video games. Something I've never done before and was really unlike me. I was drowning bad and I didn't see it. Also, right around this time, she got a job and made some friends in college that she would go and party with, I was always invited would attend and always had a blast, it was always a good time. I love being out and around people its where I (when im in a healthy state of mind) thrive. But for some reason, depression perhaps, I sort of lost interest in these party's, not because I was burned out or anything, but just did and I stopped attending them. So naturally, she sort of stopped asking. I sort of lost interest in everything, sex, school, friends, its like I kind of became burned out on life sort of. I needed help but didn't realize it. I dropped out of school and began just working more, I found myself getting angry at life, felt I was going nowhere. She was the only thing in my life that seemed right, like okay, I have this girl, shes amazing, but something in my life is missing. Looking back now I can see that I was missing a goal, a destination, I wasn't working towards anything. Well, March 2012, she, (and I realize this was an attempt to pull me out of my distant state of mind) came up with the idea to move out into our own place, just us. Wonderful idea, I embraced it with open arms, and we moved into a small place to call our own. It was amazing and again, all the memories even if small made in that place are ones I'll never forget, even if they are a little tainted now. But still, I was in this... place in my head, gone, distant to everything. Found my self glued to the computer. So unlike me, yes I played games all my life but never like this, and I felt it was I guess "okay" since she never really told me to get off. Never gave me an ultimatum of get off or I'm gone. Sitting here typing this just puts the mirror back in my face, I know now how bad I was and just how ****ed up I got, and I beat myself up for not seeing it then. And you reading now it probably seems like im a terrible person who doesn't care about others, thats not the truth, I've always put others before me, dropped my needs to meet others and thats where I think I got burnt out. I wasn't giving myself the attention I need. Wasn't fixing the problems in my own head. It was so obvious that I needed some help, but I guess to my friends and family I hid it well, although I literally stopped showing up to visit and what not. My ex I feel didn't know what to do. Didn't know how to come talk to me about it, she didn't know how to pull me out. Looking back I'm not so sure she could have. I was on a emotional downward spiral headed hard for the bottom. Then April 2012 came. My Mom, (rest her soul) was diagnosed with lung cancer. This hit me hard, and If I wasn't drowning before this, this defiantly took me down deep. Hit me hard. Me and my mom had always been close so this defiantly didn't do me any good and I tried my hardest to deny it. I call this phase in my life denial. Everything, my world was crashing all around me and I didn't want to admit it or see it. This also marked the beginning of the gut wrenching feeling of infidelity began. My ex at this time was still in school, I was not, the college we attended was about 35 miles away from where we lived, she would go down and be down there all day and would often come home late or stay at her "friends" house. Now folks I don't care how far gone you are, when the person you love more than anything is cheating, you can feel it. Its a feeling that is describable, a gut feeling if you will, and one that is very loud, but one that we often ignore perhaps out of choice? Who knows. Never ignore it, its there for a reason. I was asking friends about it and telling them that I though she was and they would all reassure me that she wouldn't do that and what not. She would come home, and I would ask "how was your day/night what did you do" that sort of thing just making small talk. I would always get these very vague answers. No detail what so ever. But I was always greeted with smile and kiss and a hug and an "I love you." Sex was never denied, or anything, it was hard to even think that she was cheating or anything. When we did things together it never felt forced, it was smooth all way up to the end. But that feeling started growing, and I remember I called out on it, basically just asked if she was. I watched that girl completely fall apart in front of me, crying and everything telling me no, that she never would that sort of thing so I bought into it. About a month or so later, I got on my computer and went onto FB and low and behold her account was up on there already with some messages from someone asking if she would like to have phone sex. "Tempting, maybe a little later ;)" was her answer. I immediately called her and yelled, and again "no I never did" came back from the other end. I wouldn't have it so I just went off to work. When I got home that night she was there writing to me a letter, which she was gonna leave there but I got home early so she just gave me the jist of the letter. That she loved me more than anything and that she wouldn't never hurt me or do that and if she ever would want to be with someone else she would leave me first and blah blah blah. I bought it, and with that, I didn't bring it up again. DENIAL As things continued in the little lie I was living in we moved again in late August 2012 into a better place. I was working two jobs and stressin' over all the things going on like my Moms health and such. Other than the cheating, me and my exs relationship was "okay", apart from my distant mind, I mean when we would go out we would always have fun together. It just wasn't happening to often. Yet I loved her, so damn much, more than anything, I felt it, it was there, just hiding away, every day I made damn sure to tell her how much she meant to me, I just wasn't showing it. I relied on her, she was like my rock that my world was built around, its just my orbit was a little messed up. We never talked, about issues, they were building up, and by this time, it was ready to become a melt down. November 10th, 2012. I call this part, the beginning of the end. I was at a garage sale at my parents house, and I get a call from my brother of all people, tells me my ex has been cheating on me behind my back at work and stuff. I rush home, in a rage, I flew into that place, asked what was this all about what was going on. AND AGAIN. She gives it to me, "I NEVER CHEATED." AND AGAIN. I bought it, even though I KNEW I KNEW! I've known all along, yet why.... why... why.... why did I deny it. She says the guy that she was being accused of cheating with was just a friend and that he was talking ****. So she says shes gonna call him and tell him to stop spreading lies as she was walking out the door to call him I asked "(Ex's name), did you cheat on me?" she looked me straight in the eye like all the other times, "We may have kissed once." She walked outside to call him and didn't come back for about an hour and a half. This should have been the day that I turned everything around. She came back into the house and says "I think we need a break.... I need some time to figure things out. come back in 15 years." I'm left speechless, in my head at the time everything was fine, it was going well. Of course I enter that panic mode where I begin frantically begging for her to stop saying that and that we will be okay and that we will work on our problems and tried my hardest to convince her to stay and not give up. Well it worked, er sort of, she told this guy that she wanted to work it out with me and not talk to her again. November 19th 2012. Three days before thanksgiving I get the call from my father that my mother had passed. She passed 7 months after her diagnosis. I can't even begin to describe how devastated I am from this, still I feel it hasn't even hit me yet. My ex told me that she would be there for me, it was good, cus damn she was really the only thing I had left at the time (unfortunately). December 2nd 2012. The End. It seems like an eternity ago, yet its barely been a month, it was a day like any other, we were watching tv. And I just had to ask, "whats wrong, I know something is, I can see it in your eyes, tell me." Well of course the answer I went digging for was the last thing I wanted to hear, she said, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore." At that moment, this girl, who had been holding my world in her hands for the last two years, dropped it, and it shattered all over. Now, you have to realize, this girl loved me, or at least played it very well. Besides the times when I was accusing her of cheating, she always made me feel like she was 100% invested, told me she loved me everyday. Every damn day. That I was what she wanted. Never really was there a distancing phase. Or at least one that I can see. It never happened, when she was around me, she was completely devoted to me. But yet in this moment, I was powerless. She told me that we just need a break. I agreed. The next day I went work, and when I got home, she was gone, but she painted her toe nails before she left so I knew, she was with the other guy.... That night was the worst night of my life because I knew, and I wasn't denying it, she was with someone else, and I think a little of me died that night. She didn't come "home" till about 1pm the next day, however, about an hour before she did I got a text from a friend, "kick that b*tch out, there is sh*t you don't know, she's been f*cking around for days bro." And in this moment, it all came flooding back, since when I first began having feelings about it. Like kicked me in the ass. I call this stage of life, "Waking up" She got home, I said we need to talk. We sat down. "How long have you been cheating on me?" Again she rolled her eyes and said she had not, "Enough bull ****, tell me, how long? I want to know, I deserve to know." This time she knew I was serious. She said "there was never sex involved." again i followed through. "bull**** just tell me how many people?." she responded, "four people, sex with only one." Again, now I was just getting mad, "Tell me the truth!" by this time she got up and melted down like i'd seen before, and this time I saw a part of her that I'd never seen. Complete raw and utterly real emotion, shaking and crying she began yelling "You wanna know how bad I was?! I cheated yes I cheated, to many times, four different guys, multiple times each...." Its funny writing this now, I can still hear it, and I know it will be forever burned into my memory. I remember at the end of, the yelling, and everything, I was just asking her "why? how could you do that to me." Over and over She just shook her head and said "I don't know." 3 days later I moved out, left her there at the house. Moved back in with my Dad. Where I have been non stop, running the past 6 years through my head. Why six? Because that is how long I've been in committed relationships. The first two years to my first girlfriend, I broke it off with her and rebounded into the second, which again lasted for two years, then I broke it off and rebounded into this one that just ended. This time I wasn't the dumper. I have not been single my entire adult life, I'm almost 21 now, and I haven't been single since my freshman year in high school. The significance? I have a ton of lessons to learn. Its amazing, for the first time in my life I feel awake, and better than ever. Everything is so clear to me now, I can look back and see it, because I truly hit rock bottom. It took me loosing everything this past year to wake up and realize that yeah, Ive got some issues I need work on, and I mean I lost everything, my goals and dreams, my pride and confidence, my friends, my education, and my home, the girl who I loved more than anything. And for it I feel stupid and dumb and its funny, you never realize what you got until its too damn late, I was blind by my own emotions, I lived in my head and shut everything out and didn't realize it. And instead of fixing it and working on it, I drowned it in video games which I called my "personal time." But it wasn't healthy, its mindless, drowns out noise that we need to hear. It provided empty gratification, it wasn't real, but it was cheap and quick. My real gratification, was my ex, shes what I really wanted, but I was lost. I've been telling people that yeah, I've was addicted in a since to video games, and they always laugh like yeah right. But when I sum it up as My mom was dying, and I was too busy playing video games to even care. Then I think they get it. So lets talk about progress. I haven't played a video game since December 2nd, 2012. The day I hit rock bottom. In fact, I've re rolled in school, I have a goal now, I sold all my games and consoles and with the money bought the books I need for the classes. Class starts January 14ths 2013. I feel so proud of myself, and feel good for the most part. I'm restoring bridges with people I haven't talked to in years, rekindling old friendships, im going out again and having fun. I feel like an entirely new person almost, confident in ways I never have been. I do feel like an entire year slipped by and I lost it, everything that had happened for good in 2012 is over, and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. But I'm getting my life back on track and for that I feel blessed. Loosing everything to get here is not the greatest but, it feels like a true restart. Now Lets get back to my ex since thats what we are all here for anyways right. I miss her, so god damn much, she has pretty much moved on already, she had him staying over since I moved out. This was the #4 guy btw, the first 3 meant nothing and im pretty sure this guy doesn't but shes needs the company I suppose. It hurts like ****, yeah as you know I wasn't perfect, but I loved her and cared for her for two years, It doesn't feel good to be disposed of that quick. The first couple weeks after BU were bad, I would go over there to see her and it always devolved into me hopelessly begging for her to come back, I wish I could make her see that I have changed so much just within the last month, I've come so far, and it hurts so bad, because for the first time, I'm here again. Ready to love as I always was till my little check out in 2012. And she just won't let me show her that I'm back, I'm the guy she fell in love again, and even better, so much more improved, and I know I've got a lot more improving to do, She caught me at a horrible time in my life, and for that I feel so damn guilty. So damn guilty. I'm here! I'M BACK! But it wasn't working, so, I've been trying to keep my distance, I guess shes been partying really hard. The guy she got with, he's a scum bag, hussles dope for a living, sleeps with anything. I'm so damn scared for her. She seems so lost and different. I want to pull her out So now I've been trying the no contact thing, longest its lasted so far has been about two days, then I always get the urge to try and tell her some revelation that I've stumbled upon that I believe will some how magically make her see that yes we are meant to be together! HA. Yesterday, we met face to face for the first time in about two weeks, I was just giving back some stuff that ended up moving with me to her, well all was going well till I was about to leave I told her thanks for everything, all the good times and memories and even the breakup as its been such a life changer, and she broke down crying... WTF yo, I told her every things gonna be okay and that we'll be fine. Then I left. THANK YOU LOVESHACK USERS BECAUSE WITHOUT YOUR GUYS STORIES I WOULD HAVE PROBABLY BROKE DOWN TOO! But I remained composed and strong, held my ground, and left all on a good note. I have rough days, all the cheating that she confessed too really did a number on me, I get the images playing through my head with her and other people like some power point presentation. I hate it, although its getting better. I forgive her, although maybe I shouldn't. I'm not sure, there is much more info I could give to add justification for her, shes got some problems too that she needs to work on although seems unwilling although there were a few moments of hope when she did seek some help but... It faded. It sucks, here I am doing so well post break up, and she's gone backwards, I just want to pull her up but I can't. Or at least I don't know how. Perhaps like me, she just has to hit rock bottom. Its always strange how it happens, all you dumpees reading this has to understand, the dumper, if they are with someone directly after you and havent given themselves the time to heal, they are not fixing anything with themselves. Believe me, I was that dumper twice that broke girls hearts and moved on like it was nothing (although its not really as easy as they make it look), nothing was ever fixed though, but I got what I deserved. While now we are the ones that get to go through the life changing evolution. In a sick way its almost a blessing. We become stronger and better while they are left in the dust doing the same thing. That is truth right there. Every day I ask myself "what would I change if I could go back?" As hard as it is, the answer is nothing, because all this bad **** that has happened, I can grow and learn from it so I never make the same mistake twice. I've been reading a lot of everyone's posts on here and how you know we change for the better and go back to our exs are like come on lets do this, yes we have changed, we know what we did wrong, its just, they, the dumpers are still fighting their own problems. Holy my, I've been writing this for a few hours now, Its really late. Anyways again sorry if it was way to long to read ha! Just really wanted to get the whole story out there. And that is not even all of it! There is still so much more, and a lot of stuff that adds into why things happened the way they did. I'm learning new things every day
Balzac Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Hey~welcome to LS and that was some dramatic life story. I'm sorry about the loss of your mom, rough. Sorry you've been so low too. The long road back to college, coming into self knowledge and understanding, appreciating how you "dropped out of life", the pain, frustration and loss were all well documented. Thanks for your share. You're moving on now, working on your issues, improving yourself, doing the right thing. Best of luck in college and focusing on your goals. Come back with an update!
Recommended Posts