doowah Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 He's in an open marriage. I never met his wife though (he doesn't want me to). Him and me, we had a very intense relationship for a few months and then he all of a sudden, from one day to the other, started being distant. I've asked him multiple times what was going on, and if he wanted to stop the relationship, but he didn't want to stop and he said he just had a lot on his mind. Meanwhile the relationship when from being great to almost non-existent. Eventually I told him I wanted a break with no contact, and we did. After a few weeks I was fine again and contacted him and then he started pretty much ignoring me. Those weeks were very confusing. I had no idea what I'd done or what had happened and we were supposed to be friends at least. I decided to let him be. A few weeks after that I'd had enough of it, I felt like I was losing his friendship. I told him this and he finally started responding again. We talked again, but there was a lot of frustration/questions from my side. He just couldn't answer me about why he stopped talking to me. The only thing he said was that he thought it was probably something about it coming to close to him. I have to deal with this. He said he wanted to see how things would develop over time. See if we can build up a friendship again. For me I made the choice I wanted to be friends when I contacted him again, but I realise for that, I need to forgive him for his behaviour. Really forgive him. But how? How can I stop myself from all the questions that pop up in my mind when I talk to him?
TaraMaiden Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 You have to understand this and get this through your head: You have no relationship rights in this. You are an attachment. He is married, and in an agreement with his wife that the marriage is 'open'. The reason he distanced himself is because you're becoming clingy, demanding and attached to him. This is not what he wants. This isn't a polyamorous marriage, it's open - which means she can see other people (plural) and so can he. But he doesn't want someone who makes demands on his emotions, time or commitment to his wife. Whatever anybody's opinions may be on 'open marriages' is irrelevant. The fact is - you are not a Mistress. You're an accessory. If you don't like it, your only choice is to detach and quit seeing him. period. 1
Million.to.1 Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 You can't be friends with this person! Are you crazy? read over what you just wrote. You guys had a thing, he went cold. You retaliated by cutting him off hoping he would change and come back. But he didn't care. Then you came back wanting more. He still didn't care. You came back AGAIN, STILL wanting more! He doesn't want you. He is married an emotionally unavailable regardless of the marriages sexual "openness". You will never get what you need from a relationship like this. You cannot be friends with someone you have feelings for. You are asking for trouble. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can keep him around "as a friend". It's just ridiculous. 1
Author doowah Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 Just to make clear: the relationship is over between us. There was never the intention of it lasting for a long time, neither side. Just the intention of being friends. And for the open marriage, it is a polyamorous marriage. He had a relationship with me. I just want to be friends with him, the whole relationship thing is over, for months already. So my question is how do I forgive him so I can be friends?
TaraMaiden Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 And just to add - I don't see where the need to forgive comes in. He had an agenda. You're the one trying to amend it, and move the goalposts. This is not something that needs any forgiveness. But you do need a bit of a wake-up call.....
Author doowah Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 TaraMaiden, so what if he had an agenda? He was open about his agenda and so was I. We had a relationship, or whatever you want to call it, that was temporary. That was a mutual 'agreement'. I did and do not have any problems with that. There was no hidden agenda for neither of us. But I do feel he let me down as a friend. That's what I want to try to forgive him for.
TaraMaiden Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 He probably doesn't feel he either needs or wants your forgiveness. So this is your own hurdle. The reason you can't 'forgive' him, is because you can't let go of what was. The moment you accept that there is nothing there but an acquaintance, and nothing more - then you might be able to drop it all, and move on. You can't 'forgive' because you haven't moved on. You need to give yourself closure - because he won't do that either. That too, is on you.
itsmyfault Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 TBH, I think you want to go through with the FWB..... You are just looking for approval from people on here? Just because you are having no strings sex, you don't instantly become a bad person. DO WHAT YOU WANT. don't over complicate it.
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