Rosiecat Posted August 18, 2004 Posted August 18, 2004 His wife is a crackhead, took him for everything he had. When I first saw his home, it was ransacked. I make a good living, though the expense of taking care of my own home can be trying sometimes. He has a 12-year old daughter that lives with him, and a 15-year old daughter who chooses to stay in foster care for now. I was hoping that if I fixed up their home, the 15-year old might move back, and everyone would be happier. So I bought paint and building supplies and painted the kitchen ceiling, walls, cabinets, and sponge-painted some walls. He said he would like me to move in, so I've been simultaneously fixing up my own home in order to list it. I even injured my shoulder from doing all this work. I have been planning to paint the entryway, hallway, bedroom and huge playroom also. It just needs so much work, because it hasn't been fixed up for like 24 years. I enjoy helping, and to tell the truth I don't usually give to charities because I prefer to help people I know. Last night we were just rambling, and he said he thinks I don't do enough for him in bed. I thought things were going pretty good there. All of a sudden, I don't feel like listing my home. I brought my paint supplies home. When I said I thought maybe he should date other people (since he really hasn't dated very much), he just seemed indifferent. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me, and his saying he loves me was just a pile of garbage.
Barby Posted August 18, 2004 Posted August 18, 2004 Wow....maybe he feels you are substituting what you aren't doing for him (in the way of intimacy) for what you do for him like taking care of him. Helping him out is really wonderful, nice that you care so much that you would do this for someone. It is wonderful that people are so selfless.....but now I have a couple of questions I would like to ask to help understand the situation better (if you don't mind) How long have you known him? Do you help him pay his bills? Does he have a full time job? Does he or did he have a crack prob to? Are you two planning on marrying (has he asked you I mean)? Now I think it was wrong for him to say you don't do enough for him in bed, and as a woman I know that this may be a very sensitive subject to deal with. Maybe you should ask him what he meant.....does he mean he'd like you to perform oral sex maybe or something along those lines? If it is something you're both into it maybe worth a shot. But if you are doing all this for him and he doesn't seem grateful (saying thank you, or telling you how much he appreciates you) then I would hault in doing so much and see how things go. You suggested seeing other people, maybe he didn't want to show you how he felt in fear that you were serious and he didn't want to show you how hurt he was. Only the two of you can really figure out where to go from here and maybe with a little more insight into your situation we can be more helpful.
Author Rosiecat Posted August 18, 2004 Author Posted August 18, 2004 thanks for your reply, I feel so hurt today. We met in March this year, and have seen a lot of each other since then. He works full-time as a (local) truck driver. He has never tried crack, but I guess he and the wife tried some cocaine at some point. I think he feels guilty about that, so he put up with her idiot behavior and spending for years. I don't help pays bills so far, but always pay my own way. I was going to take the daughter clothes shopping for school today, but I left her a note saying I didn't feel well. I bought them a pile of souveniers on a trip I took recently, and of course lots of stuff for their home. We have talked about marriage, but more recently he has seemed kind of gun-shy about that. I think it's a normal reaction, but I have to admit I feel pain about that too. I only suggested seeing other people because maybe I'm not the one for him. Yes, he wants oral sex. I was doing that, but not taking it all the way. I just don't like giving blow jobs, it makes me feel sick. If that's all he wants, he should date somebody else. Thanks for listening
Barby Posted August 18, 2004 Posted August 18, 2004 No problem...that's why I come here. My guy is really into oral too, I didn't like it at first but got more used to it and eventually took it "all the way" but I understand not all women are into this and he should understand that. If your relationship is great in a lot of other areas you two should really sit down and talk about this. Sounds to me like you are a really great influence on his girls and on him. I can see how his guilt made him put up with her and also the fact that they have 2 girls. It doesn't feel like (from what you've said) that he is using you but I can see how you would feel hurt by him being shy about getting married but given his last marriage I can see how he would be. You seriously need to sit down with him and let him know how you're feeling so that it can be worked out if that's what both of you intend. I hope something as small as "bedroom" pleasures won't ruin something that could really be wonderful (assuming this is the only big issue). Do you really want him to date other people or just said it more to get a re-action from him?
Author Rosiecat Posted August 18, 2004 Author Posted August 18, 2004 I'm not a "game player", but I guess I was thinking if he dated other women he might see what a good catch I am, lol. I have dated so many men in my life (sounds like bragging, but it's almost kind of sad). It seems like he might benefit from having some experiences outside of his wife and me. Is that a weird thing to think? I have a problem with depression, and I'm thinking that all this is too much to take right now. I want somebody who loves me for who I am. I thought the home-reno side of me was a pretty cool coincidence (since his home is such a wreck). It's just killing me that he's seeking something he could buy on a street corner. I guess if love was there, everything would be okay. It's his indifference that is destroying us. I'm sorry I'm not more fun to chat with. Today is a very bad day.
Barby Posted August 18, 2004 Posted August 18, 2004 Oh no problem I'm not a big chatter anyway...I understand that his being indifferent would be hard to tolerate but maybe he's not good at showing his feelings. The only thing that will make it better is by talking to him.
Author Rosiecat Posted August 18, 2004 Author Posted August 18, 2004 amazing what a few hours of pulling out weeds can do! You're right, I just have to talk to him. But... he'll just say it was no big deal and maybe it is. I always wanted a guy who knew how to talk, and now I'm shutting his ideas down. I guess the problem is me. I better go pull some more weeds.
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