ScienceGal Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 It's not the classic case of dumper/dumped. No cheating, no betrayal, no falling out of love... just piss poor communication and a failure to build real trust. We both got scared and bottled up our thoughts, but we cared for one another deeply so lived a bit superficially. After almost a year, we got burnt out. Neither one of us wants to let go, but that's what's happening. I don't think it's over, but I'm so mind numbingly tired (lack of quality sleep) I don't know which way is up. We chatted tonight on FB. A little about the issues, a little about how sad it's going to be apart. It was nice talking, like we should've been talking all along (though I would prefer actual talking to text). It's interesting because he's struggling more than I am, yet he's more adamant in believing we need to split. And he keeps contacting me, though says he can't actually see me right now. I've never done this... will this help us both move on or make it worse?
Dante311 Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 you're beyond the state of limerance... it's time to take matters into your own hand. do you want to try your relationship or not. to me, this superficial facade of your relationship sounds like the honeymoon stage, and now it's over. Your best bet... is look deep within yourself, and take the chance and take a stab at a real relationship. they're never easy.. but talking things through... I'm having difficulty with my girlfriend at the moment, but tonight we talked. she wants more of her individuality, and I respect that. I trust her... at the end of the day, she loves the thought of being with me and coming home to me. i feel too, our relationship was very much honeymoon esque... time to keep moving forward
Author ScienceGal Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 (edited) I don't think it was the end of a honeymoon phase for us. In the beginning he was smitten and I saw a sweet and shy guy that would treat me the way I should be treated. I adored him. I have more relationship experience than him and he made some stupid mistakes early on. We just never truly dealt with them (the forget and move on approach doesn't work). He kept trying to make up for it by being kind and keeping things to himself and I kept wondering why he wasn't opening up to me. And.. again, he's adamant that we aren't meant to be right now. He is depressed and mentally fried. Do I cut him off or keep talking when he writes? Edited January 6, 2013 by ScienceGal
NoMagicBullet Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 If he's adamant that you aren't meant to be, then he should understand the importance of going NC and stick to it. Sounds like he doubts what the best decision is, so he's neither here nor there: says it's not going to work, contacts you, says he can't see you. I bet he was ambivalent or hot & cold in different ways before this. Am I right? Does any of this sound familiar: guy seems to want the connection, reaches out in some ways (usually with through text or e-mail, very rarely calls or meets face-to-face), but also puts up walls, keeps his distance, and never really opens up or allows himself to get involved in your life or you in his life? If so, he's likely the type of guy who will never really commit 100% to being in a relationship nor will he end it cleanly and move on. Maybe he'd like to keep you around as an option (and that may be for his own mental security versus being a real option in the future), but he obviously does not want to move forward now. If you are done with this, then I suggest telling him that because like he says "we are not meant to be right now", that you will be going NC and for him to not contact you. Then ignore his messages after that. (If you do want to give this guy a chance in the future after a period of NC, tell him to contact you next year, ONLY if he's ready to move forward. But he may jerk you around even then.) Otherwise, I think you're in for more ambiguity if you stay in contact. Choose whichever option you feel is right for you. 1
Author ScienceGal Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 (edited) I told him that I can't help him suffer on a daily basis. If we were working on the relationship, that would be different. If the constant contact is to just help him cope, I can't do that at my expense. He agreed and doesn't want to hurt me, but didn't know what else to say, I replied "say that you're 100% sure about your decision". He said he's in the 90s with it.. To answer your questions, he would always prefer to be face to face. We spent almost everyday together. We were very involved with each others lives, we've met each others families and spent the holidays together. He even said, as recent as last night, that he wanted (emphasis on the past tense) to marry and have kids with me. We were a committed couple, and he wanted more, but he's just had enough with how poorly things were going. He is too emotionally drained. You are right on this: he obviously does not want to move forward now. He is supposed to be leaving me alone now (I'm very doubtful he will). I told him to let me know if that certainty percentage drops because the 80s are better than the 90s... and the 60-70s even more so. Edited January 6, 2013 by ScienceGal
Joaquin Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 My view is that people who stay in contact during a break up are essentially testing the break up waters. Surely all the important talks etc should have been had before breaking up. To do it afterwards seems a little emotionally immature. But I'm a NC sort of person. When it's done it's done. 1
Author ScienceGal Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 I agree that it's immature. I am good about not reaching out, but I always reply to him. But, anything that might not have been clear before, is clear now. We've rehashed it all over the past couple days. Talking to him or not talking to him will have the same result, he either realizes he wants to try again or he doesn't and moves on. And the same goes for me, although I am still in a place where I want to try, I'll wait as long as I can and then move on myself. I'm not sure of the effect of each path though. Common sense would say NC is the best way to heal and move on, but I feel better since we chatted last night. I'm not sure why, since there was no talk of reconciliation. Maybe I am accepting it more, or perhaps I haven't accepted it at all yet.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Sounds like he's using you to get over you and you are allowing it to happen. If you want him to realize what he had, you have to step away for a bit. You can't miss someone if they never go away. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I think complete NC is the way to go. Everything has been said. Now there are two possibilities: 1. You stay apart and move on. 2. You eventually try again. In either case, space from each other will help both of you figure out which is best for you. Rehashing all the things you couldn't manage to resolve while you were together isn't going to get you anywhere. Don't worry about taking care of him. You need to take care of yourself and do what's best for you. 2
Author ScienceGal Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 (edited) I guess I was hoping that maintaining contact might increase the likelihood he would change his mind, and it would be a more seamless reconnection. I have to be tougher about this though. His choice is his burden, not mine. The relationship that brought me to LS was one where I was dumped and shut out immediately. It was very cruelly done, and I vividly remember the pain. I have to stop relating that situation to the current one and stop feeling bad for him when he reaches out to me. Totally different scenario. Edited January 6, 2013 by ScienceGal
Ruby Slippers Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I guess I was hoping that maintaining contact might increase the likelihood he would change his mind, and it would be a more seamless reconnection. I think the opposite is likely. Have you heard that saying that women fall in love while spending time with him, and men fall in love when apart and missing her? Even in a healthy relationship, men need space away to really feel their feelings and realize they want to come back to that woman. I think women who spend ALL their time with their man, especially early on, are foolish. When he's got you right there, he doesn't need to do anything new or different. He can just coast along as usual. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I think the opposite is likely. Have you heard that saying that women fall in love while spending time with him, and men fall in love when apart and missing her? Even in a healthy relationship, men need space away to really feel their feelings and realize they want to come back to that woman. I think women who spend ALL their time with their man, especially early on, are foolish. When he's got you right there, he doesn't need to do anything new or different. He can just coast along as usual. I'm not sure that dynamic is sex-specific. 1
Author ScienceGal Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 You're right. If I am always there when he reaches out he will never know what it's like to be truly without me. If I am messaging him he won't have to wonder how I am feeling because he will know based upon our conversation. Also, with maintaining contact he doesn't have to wonder what I am up to, because obviously I am not out with friends or on a date if I am talking to him. OK. It's been four days since the split, and if it was going to get turned around via the open communication route, there would be at least a sign of that by now, since the days immediately after a breakup are the most difficult. He would've at least second guessed by now, but there is no sign that he's done that. He feels terrible but does not seem to be wavering on his decision. He believes we can't make it work right now. I am not a crutch, and I am not a stepping stone. I have to be stronger than I've been. 2
Author ScienceGal Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 I'm not sure that dynamic is sex-specific. I am not sure of this either. One of my exes definitely fits Ruby's description. I don't think the most recent one does though. He's very emotional and always wanted time together. He'd say he missed me a couple hours after I was gone! And, we never got sick of seeing each other. Still... not a crutch! not a stepping stone! ... I feel like I need a third thing to make a more meaningful mantra.
itsmyfault Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I read that bit where you said it was really painful when you were just shut out. I did that to my Ex when I split from her. I basically said that she should not contact me and move on. It sounds awful, She even told me after a while how horrible it was. Lets looks at the facts now.. She moved on easily and is now happily with some one else, The best thing to if you are walking away, don't look back. if you cared about someone you don't want to prolong their suffering. 1
Author ScienceGal Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 The ex that shut me out was very cruel in how he broke up with me. There was no closure. This isn't the case with the most recent guy. We've talked enough and there is nothing left to say unless he wants to try at a relationship again. I will not be hurt if he goes NC; in fact, I hope he does. I miss him so much and if he isn't coming back, no other words matter to me. 1
rn0408 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 -if it was unhealthy and a toxic relationship..tell them to never talk to you again and move on. -if you walked out on good terms, and honestly..maybe you had nothing in common, different viewpoints, wasn't the right time etc..why not be friends. I'm friends with a few of my ex's. We walked out on great terms. Recently, I had one try to play games..I don't want to be friends with that. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 -if it was unhealthy and a toxic relationship..tell them to never talk to you again and move on. -if you walked out on good terms, and honestly..maybe you had nothing in common, different viewpoints, wasn't the right time etc..why not be friends. I'm friends with a few of my ex's. We walked out on great terms. Recently, I had one try to play games..I don't want to be friends with that. Friends is fine if she doesn't have feelings. But if she does, that's a tragic idea at this point. Perhaps down the road that can happen. 1
Author ScienceGal Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 It wasn't toxic. We cannot be friends right now though because we both still love each other. I think it could still work, but he doesn't. We didn't communicate well enough, and that ruined the relationship. We do want the same things though, so this still seems so unreal to me. I don't understand why it can't be worked out. I'm just so sad, especially at night. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 You can't flip a switch and suddenly be just friends with a lover you cared about in more than a friendly way yesterday. Letting that go takes time. I felt bad about asking for NC, too, because I told him recently that I wasn't going to just cut him out of my life and never talk to him again. Asking for a month with no contact isn't that, though. It's a fair and reasonable break between being lovers and possibly friends. 3
Missing Him Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I know the situation, it's tough. Maintaining contact seems easiest in the short-term, but it gets hard. I tried to be friends (which is what he said he wanted), but I found it very difficult. It was hard for me to hear about what was going on in his life now that I was no longer a part of it. It was hard for me to hear that he had plans on Friday or Saturday nights. I took the amount of pain that I felt from these small things, and then I imagined what it would feel like if one day he told me that he had started seeing someone. I know that I couldn't handle that, and so I know that being friends with him is not an option for me right now. Honestly though, this might be a situation where you need to try it and see for yourself. I got a lot of advice on this board that I should not try to stay in contact with my ex, but I didn't feel it was right for me in this situation. I eventually came to discover for myself that it was right for me in the situation - and that made it easier to do.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 I'm just so sad, especially at night. This might sound silly, but you can learn how to make sad times less sad, and maybe even fun. For example, a few months ago when he and I had a tiff and I was really sad about it, I blared some sexy music, drank asti spumante, put on some sexy silky girlie clothes, chased my cat around the house, and said, "Well, **** him then!" It was very silly, but it made me feel a lot better. 1
Author ScienceGal Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 I will not contact him. And I hope he will stay away unless he wants to reconcile. It's too hard. I don't need to hear how sad he is and how much he loves me and will always love me (what he was saying last night), and I especially don't need to hear about when he moves on. I wonder how long I will keep hope that he'll change his mind. 1
Author ScienceGal Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 This might sound silly, but you can learn how to make sad times less sad, and maybe even fun. For example, a few months ago when he and I had a tiff and I was really sad about it, I blared some sexy music, drank asti spumante, put on some sexy silky girlie clothes, chased my cat around the house, and said, "Well, **** him then!" It was very silly, but it made me feel a lot better. I have done similar things during times of disagreement and it does help a lot. This saddeness is a little too much right now though. Hopefully it'll get easier soon. 1
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