thomasb Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Wow! CIH! You could be my wife talking. And how right you are on everything you said. 1
Author Alicat09 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 Cominginhot I know he does feel all that shame, he had to face all of our family member's on both sides. However he will hide his shame & pride by being a carpet sweeper, everything is swept under the carpet. He will ask for forgiveness to God on his own & feel he has redeemed himself without anyone else's invlovement. Plus he has to live with the fact that his children know what he did. But of course he blames me for letting them find out. The OW told him it was selfish & pathetic...cruel of me to tell them. That I am a poor excuse for a Mother because i did not sheild them from this. Of course he is in full agreement. In my devasated emtional state that is not something i could of even remotely hid from my children. They were there on D day.
turnera Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Of course he is in full agreement. Why wouldn't he be? He's suffering no consequences.
ComingInHot Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Alicat09; When You are ready for a change, then you will make it happen. Remember, your husband married you for the person you are. And being that your husband is the way he is, they tend to find the "perfect" woman that will highlight their (his) best traits. I think it is kind of like I am so awesome that the most wonderful woman in the world wants me and I got her to marry me. I think sometimes men feel they are judged partially on the type of woman they have at their side. Is she beautiful, kind, generous, supportive, honest, loving, giving, protective, Devoted etc... "Yep. We are" so he "must" be too, right? not necessarily. Again, it wasn't only Family that knew. If so, it may have been easier to cast aside as these men know how to "work" their family and they "know" that their family will love them regardless. It has a-lot to do with "society" and Peers that they feel are in their "class" or circle of achievements. This was a HUGE hit to my husband. He says he could "feel" the lack of respect from his peers/other business owners who were "upstanding" citizens in their community not to mention the fact that his own employees had little respect for him BUT he was still paying them... (as if they owed him respect in exchange for a paycheck). I honestly feel HORRIBLE writing this. I almost feel that is must be a lie because the man I am speaking of is No longer that man. And this, this wound that is so old but so easily re-opened is making me nauseous. BUT Alicat09 the REASON I am sharing all this "yuck" with you is that I was ready and Willing to End my marriage in order for me to live an authentic life. Free from emotional, verbal and mental abuse. Free from manipulations and lies. Free from defending WRONG actions to my children who deserved SO much Better. I would still leave tomorrow. No. Tonight, if I found or ever find out of such a thing EVER again. Like I said, I'm NObody's punching bag or doormat! It feels goooooooood to know that this is Not an empty threat but a Promise*
ComingInHot Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Thomasb; You are one Very Lucky Man to have a wife who knows you for all you are, good and bad and ugly, and CHOOSES you still. I hope only a good life for you and your family! I like your W already* 1
thomasb Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 (edited) I realize just how lucky I am everytime she smiles at me with love in her eyes again. There were a few monthes long ago when all they had was anger. It was hard work. But, she was damn well worth it! Only woman who would ever be worth it to me... And by the way, Ali, reading your posts it sounds to me like you just need to get good and pissed enough to stand up for yourself and tell him my way or the highway! You deserve to be treated like the lady you have shown yourself to be. Edited January 8, 2013 by thomasb 2
turnera Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I was ready and Willing to End my marriage in order for me to live an authentic life. Free from emotional, verbal and mental abuse. Free from manipulations and lies. Free from defending WRONG actions to my children who deserved SO much Better. In 10 years of doing this, being willing to leave has steadfastly been almost the ONLY way to get a WS to stop, accept responsibility, and show remorse - the realization that you just may remove yourself from his/her life. Without you being willing to leave, he has no reason to care if you're satisfied or if he's doing what he has to do to help you. 1
Spark1111 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 In 10 years of doing this, being willing to leave has steadfastly been almost the ONLY way to get a WS to stop, accept responsibility, and show remorse - the realization that you just may remove yourself from his/her life. Without you being willing to leave, he has no reason to care if you're satisfied or if he's doing what he has to do to help you. And it is a double edged sword, because there are some people who only realize what they had and what they are about to lose when it has a suitcase packed and is walking out the front door. THEN change may happen, whether from fear or shame or rock-bottom.
Snowflower Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 And it is a double edged sword, because there are some people who only realize what they had and what they are about to lose when it has a suitcase packed and is walking out the front door. THEN change may happen, whether from fear or shame or rock-bottom. And by then it is often too late because the one holding the suitcase has already given up. 2
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Cominginhot I know he does feel all that shame, he had to face all of our family member's on both sides. However he will hide his shame & pride by being a carpet sweeper, everything is swept under the carpet. He will ask for forgiveness to God on his own & feel he has redeemed himself without anyone else's invlovement. Plus he has to live with the fact that his children know what he did. But of course he blames me for letting them find out. The OW told him it was selfish & pathetic...cruel of me to tell them. That I am a poor excuse for a Mother because i did not sheild them from this. Of course he is in full agreement. In my devasated emtional state that is not something i could of even remotely hid from my children. They were there on D day. That's a selfish reaction and one who doesn't want to his own decisions and choices. HE screwed up. You had every right to let immediate family know what hell you've been going through. Plus, the kids knew so eventually everybody would find out through them, somehow. Your H is a piece of work and I cant' believe he listened and sided with the OW. WTF!!
turnera Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Your H is a piece of work and I cant' believe he listened and sided with the OW. WTF!! Why wouldn't he? His wife put up with it and gave him no consequences. She practically told him cheat and I'll still be here waiting. 1
Gagirl Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 You are being way too passive. It's time to get aggressive. Make that girl think you are crazier than she is. Make it known under no uncertain terms that if she bothers you again you are going after her. Go after her reputation and post her name and picture on Cheaterville. She will leave you alone soon enough if she knows you mean business. At home; throw, break, scream and yell. Let him know this is your house and your rules. If he doesn't like it then he can get the hell out. You are only hurting herself by letting these people treat you this way.
turnera Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 (edited) Move in: I'm going to tell you the ONE secret to success when you find your spouse cheating: Listening? Here it is: You have to be willing to let him go, to have a chance to keep him. Cheaters want one thing - to EAT CAKE. They want their spouse. And they want their AP. If you pull the rug out from under them, DENY THEM your presence...just wait and see their reaction. The VERY BEST EVER reaction I've ever seen to a cheating spouse: a man catches his wife on the floor, naked, in one of his rental houses, with POSOM. He whips out his phone, takes a picture, emails it to the POSOM's wife, scoops up their clothes before they can react, walks out to the street, dumps all their clothes out in the street, gets in his car, and drives home. By the time he gets home, his wife had caught up to him, begged him on her knees to give her one more chance, and he then set the conditions under which he would ACCEPT her coming home. You are all SO FAR away from this it's ridiculous. Edited January 9, 2013 by turnera 2
nofool4u Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Did you just brag about making love to your lying, cheating disrespectful, gaslighting, stonewalling husband? LoL. If people on this thread seem to not be respecting you, it's because they don't because you don't even respect yourself! I think she respects herself just fine. What is going on here is you have an OW that comes into the infidelity forum and rubs BS's nose in sh*t. Bragging about how the affair is wonderful, and sex with someone elses lying cheating husband is great. But if the wife says this, boy, oh boy, THEN its a different story. She is defending herself against an antagonist that comes into a forum predominantly of those on the crap end of the affair stick, and throws a couple nanny nanny boo boos just to piss off a BS. Alicat09 is just defending herself against that. BS' are testy on this side of the forum eh? If they are, then why shouldn't they be when an OW comes here to rub their noses in crap? 4
nofool4u Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 But if an OW is a bunny boiler' date=' what do we call a BS who holds on to her H no matter what?[/quote'] Someone who has been mentally abused, hurting, confused, and desperate because of the actions of their spouse and their affair partner. Also, even though I didn't care about any of this and simply wanted out of my marriage to a cheater, those that stay have more invested. Kids, marital assets, breaking up their family and familiar life, etc. etc. But really, if all you want to do is rub BS's nose in sh**, why else are you really in this section of the site with people who are in pain? Because from what I've seen, it sure isn't to help. 4
nofool4u Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Your OW is NO bunny boiler' date=' she just cannot believe you are not getting it.[/quote'] First of all, when the wife deletes accounts, blocks the OW, and the OW keep creating new accounts to contact the wife, then yes, she is the borderline bunny boiler. What part of "leave me the hell alone" doesn't an OW get when they are blocked and the wife's accounts are changed? As far as not believing the wife cannot get it, obviously the OW doesn't either. Real simple, when someone wants to be left alone and puts forth the effort to block the OW out of her life, then the OW becomes the stalker when going out of her way to keep contacting wife when wife has made it clear she doesn't want any contact from her. 4
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Did you just brag about making love to your lying, cheating disrespectful, gaslighting, stonewalling husband? LoL. If people on this thread seem to not be respecting you, it's because they don't because you don't even respect yourself! Obviously this all took place BEFORE she knew about the A and before their D day. Many BS's describe their marriage as quite good and sex life very active.. Just fyi.. 6
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 There's a big difference between calling and communicating - Making the point once or twice, having that conversation.. In THIS particular situation, the exOW won't stop! Big difference here as the exOW is not contacting for 'talking and making ammends' she's calling to bug and shi.t disturb. Encouraging an OW to contact the BS is one thing, but if there is no response after one or two attempts, it's time to let it go and move on... Stop the calls/emails/texts etc.. In Ali's case, the exOW IS continuing to contact her for malicious reasons. 4
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 I re-read the opening post..guess I forgot some details about her situation. You are right, maybe she is trying to tell MM's wife something but she is going about it in the wrong way. Seems this OW has hate and anger towards Ali, so with that said I can see why she wouldn't want to talk and is doing all that she can to block this OW out of her life. Seems her WH may be still having the A or at least it being an EA if the PA ended.. Something ain't right. But this OW has gone well over the boundries, had the cops called on her and she still is hounding Ali. If Ali chooses not to talk to her, the OW should respect that and back off. Maybe all three of them should talk it out, in public and close to a police station (just in case).. 1
nofool4u Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 The OW "IS harassing Ali" or is she? If you go to the OW board, you will see that the majority of the same posters here who are telling her how awful it is that the OW is contacting her are the first ones telling the OW to "CALL THE WIFE! OmG he called you? He texted you after it ended??! CALL HER! SHE DESERVES TO KNOW! YOU MUST tell her! IT's your duty, your responsibility to reach out to her to make sure she knows the full reality" Uh, you are missing a key element in all of this. On one side you have people saying to go ahead and contact the wife to give her the informations she needs, and then the wife can decide how to proceed. But once you contact the betrayed spouse and after that they clearly indicate that they want to then be left alone and the OW/OM keeps coming back, then it is harassment and borderline stalking. And lets not forget changing electronic accounts and an OW goes out of her way to find the new one and pop back up. It's entirely possible that she's trying to do just that. She has already done that and now will not respect Ali's right to not be contacted by her. I think Ali has made it clear in words and actions that she does not want OW to contact her again.
Nyla Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 (edited) For everyone else, thank you for all your input it does help me immensly. After being together as long as we have. I'm not ready to throw in the towel. So what...my only choice is to chose to ignore what he is doing or fight & wait it out?? It is inaccurate to say these are your only choices. Your husband's actions are showing that he doesn't care about you or the years you have spent together. A restraining order would be helpful, along with a marriage counselor if you are sure that you don't want a divorce. Any MC worth their salt will tell your husband, that he needs to start respecting your marriage and not stay in contact with the OW. Edited February 28, 2013 by Nyla 4
Spark1111 Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 This is where you make me laugh you are so in denial' date=' we have done that!!!![/quote'] Why do I have a hard time believing this???? During my H's affair, he told his OW we never, to rarely, had sex. She tried to convince him I MUST then have a boyfriend. he started to believe her. The height of delusional thinking. The longest we have gone without sex was 13 days after he had a major spinal surgery. the doctors were amazed. During his 2 year affair with a coworker, we dwindled to twice a week and I chalked it up to job stress and out of kindness to him, left the subject alone. When we reconciled, I asked him why he did this? I felt it was a ploy to keep me from being suspicious of the affair. you know, appease the wifey. His response? Oh, no.....I ALWAYS wanted you. Well, his OW knew NOTHING TRUE about us and our relationship.We always had incredible sex. SO she MUST have thought, he lied or I manipulated him home, or I knew but didn't care...NONE of which was true. and yeah...she, her girlfriends, her male friends...stalked me. hang up calls, work and home drive-bys....Really pathetic. I chose to ignore. had it become more pronounced, I would not have. I shared ALL of it with my H. Initially, he doubted me thinking she was not a person who would do this. ( Didn't GENERAL PETRAEUS of the CIA say the same exacting thing regarding his affair partner???) I didn't push it or argue it.....but in time, with the exposure of one lie after another of her's....he started to think differently. OP....trust your instincts! And get him on board to fix it all....or send him packing. 4
nofool4u Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 What' date=' even if she is still with her H? Or her H is still contacting her.[/quote'] Yup, the wife now will always know there may be something still going on. If she doesn't want the OW to contact her after initially giving her the information she deserved to have, then the OW should back the F off. PERIOD! Something not right here, where is her H in this??? Obvious really, not interested in helping his BS.. open your eyes.. We are on that side, you aint' In case you missed it, the wife realizes things still may be going on and has stated H has no interest in telling OW to F off. She doesn't need the OW's harassment to realize her H is still a cheating bastard. She knows this. She doesn't need her OW, or any other woman to come in here and rub her nose in sh*t. Got it? 5
nofool4u Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 And if I were involved with someone and we got caught and I talked to the wife (not that I ever would) and she didn't want to hear it, but was under the belief that the affair had ended... and we continued for 2 more years, I shouldn't tell her? Good to know. Exactly. You should tell her, but once they make it known they don't want you contacting them anymore, then you don't stalk them and go out of your way to find their new social media accounts after removing them to prevent you from contacting them. Once they make it known they don't want to talk to you, then its on them to decide if they want to bury their head in the sand. Ok. So no one thinks that Ali should maybe consider that her NON remorseful, still gaslighting and lying to her, refusing to back her up in her attempts to get rid of this "stalking OW" husband might still be involved with the woman. I think she realizes that just fine without the OW's stalking. Once they have the initial information that their spouse is a cheater, got a newsflash for you, they will forever be suspicious of anything that doesn't look right. Ali has said this much. She doesn't need the OW's harassment to be suspicious of her husband. He has given her plenty already. Ok. Ali, whatever you do... don't consider that option. It's not like he's shown he can cheat or lie or anything. And then you have you and other OW coming here rubbing her nose in sh*t. Why don't you just leave her alone? 4
nofool4u Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I'm well aware that my MM can lie and cheat, which is why the slightest dishonesty isn't tolerated by me. Oh my, you tolerate it, you just don't want to admit it to yourself. Cheating MM are dishonest by nature and default. You want the BS to "wake up", even though she is wide awake? Try taking your own advice. 6
Recommended Posts