Will this Bunny Boiler ever go away!!

[bentnotbroken]

What I meant is that the wife should use her intellgience to win his man's heart, not to 100% blame OW.

 

The wife is losing face or being tortured by the affair, even though she can infuse the angry emotion to OW, it is not going to change anything either. She needs to find a way to get her husband back, or suck it up, as apparently the reality of her husband attitude is - it is what it is, take it or leave it.

 

 

Use her intelligence to win a human who masquerades as a man...yeah she really should:sick:. Losing face is only for those who need to appear different than they really are to the real world. I would say all of those on these forums who aren't getting what they want can be told the same thing...deal or suck it up. While I do not agree with her decisions...they are hers to make just as your back forth were yours to make.

[Mount]

That is right, the wife can still be in the process of making decision as long as the process/whole thing she is benefited from (although I only see she is being tortured by the reality that husband is having OW, just like lots of women I see in real life, are physically/mentally damaged by husbands' affairs that wives have no way to resolve), but blaming OW is useless/pointless, as it does not have real result coming from it.

 

Use her intelligence to win a human who masquerades as a man...yeah she really should:sick:. Losing face is only for those who need to appear different than they really are to the real world. I would say all of those on these forums who aren't getting what they want can be told the same thing...deal or suck it up. While I do not agree with her decisions...they are hers to make just as your back forth were yours to make.

[bentnotbroken]

That is right, the wife can still be in the process of making decision as long as the process/whole thing she is benefited from (although I only see she is being tortured by the reality that husband is having OW, just like lots of women I see in real life, are physically/mentally damaged by husbands' affairs that wives have no way to resolve), but blaming OW is useless/pointless, as it does not have real result coming from it.

 

 

Only useless and pointless to those who don't see the use or the point. I saw both so it worked well for me. Since she was one half of the coupling. I suspect OP will get where she needs to be in her own time...just like yourself. Remember when you couldn't see what others were trying to tell you and you did what you wanted anyway...same difference.

[Mount]

That is right. In all areas I benefit from the choice I made/am making, while I see the wife is pouring angry emtion to the wrong party, which is pointless, and no outcome is generated from the process she is in, probably will never get out if she does not change anyting in order to have different outcome/result.

 

Only useless and pointless to those who don't see the use or the point. I saw both so it worked well for me. Since she was one half of the coupling. I suspect OP will get where she needs to be in her own time...just like yourself. Remember when you couldn't see what others were trying to tell you and you did what you wanted anyway...same difference.

[bentnotbroken]

That is right. In all areas I benefit from the choice I made/am making, while I see the wife is pouring angry emtion to the wrong party, which is pointless, and no outcome is generated from the process she is in, probably will never get out if she does not change anyting in order to have different outcome/result.

 

 

Then that would be her choice. It truly does not matter whether you see a benefit or not because it isn't about you. And since there is yet to be a final determination on her part...we don't "probably" know what changes will/will not occur.

[whichwayisup]

That is right. In all areas I benefit from the choice I made/am making, while I see the wife is pouring angry emtion to the wrong party, which is pointless, and no outcome is generated from the process she is in, probably will never get out if she does not change anyting in order to have different outcome/result.

 

IF the OW was doing nothing, then yes, I could see this point. But, in this case, the OW IS harrassing Ali. She is emailing her, texting her and bothering her. She has every right to be pissed at the OW, even more so that this pesky OW will not leave her alone.

 

Much anger should be directed too, at her husband, and will be sooner or later.

[Spark1111]

Well he is not bored with me for sure' date=' 4 1/2 years later the sex is still amazing. But funnily enough it is not even the point for either of us (sadly that is what all BS believe it would be better for you if that were all it was), compared to the love we have and the connection. He may go back to his house but not his wife sorry for that OP.[/quote']

 

want to prove that? Stop having sex with him for a few months.

[thomasb]

No, J'adore. Sadly for OW, the whole point is to get into their pants, trust me.

The only way to rid yourself of a bunny boiler is a R.O. and jail time for her. Been there. Your husband does not have to participate or agree with it in the least. This is about you. She is harassing you! Take all your evidence straight to the sheriffs office. He who laughs last lasts best. She is laughing at you now. Take back your power! My wife did.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well, nothing changes is nothing changes.

 

Welcome to the rest of your life which you have CHOSEN.

 

Why anyone would choose to stay through 2 years of this bullsh*it and STILL want to be with this jack-hole is a mystery.

 

Just remember, at one point you were a victim. You are now a volunteer.

 

I disagree with this.

 

Dealing with all of these emotions is one thing, but to have a partner that is mind-****ing you on one hand and an ow stalking you on the other really breaks people.

 

Even the slightest thought of action can cause huge, overwhelming freezing and discomfort.

 

My anxiety response is to freeze. And freeze and freeze. Emotionally physically and even spiritually.

 

Predators like her husband take advantage of that and abuse the crap our of her. And than everyone jumps all over her. BS. When a woman feels like age has no control over her life or fate, stuff like this happens.

 

YES SHE IS A VICTIM.

 

We can provide support or not. Shaming her is crap. She isn't the one abusing her spouse.

[ComingInHot]

j'adore;

Please stop with the ALL's & EVERY's & the DEFINITELY's because as you yourself know, being that your mistress/MM relationship is an exception, it isn't accurate nor kind to generalize EVERYONE that is an OW or BS or MM or or or is a certain way.

 

And I am Not being sarcastic, snide or rude in saying that you and some of your very valid comments may be better received if served with a hint of something sweet and a smile*

[Alicat09]

J'Adore:

 

You just don't get it all. Because you think you MM is yours, well he is NOT. He is married & is going to stay married.

 

There are 2 people in a marriage not 3. Your not included in that equation.

 

He is going to break your Heart.

 

Good Luck to you when that happens. & It will happen. They have TV shows about people like you. You have tunnel vision & everyone here on this forum can see it but you.

 

"Hello....he is still with his wife because he LOVES her"!!!

[Alicat09]

For everyone else, thank you for all your input it does help me immensly.

 

After being together as long as we have. I'm not ready to throw in the towel.

 

So what...my only choice is to chose to ignore what he is doing or fight & wait it out??

[dreamingoftigers]

Just because one is a victim for a certain amount of time does NOT make them a supporter. One would not say that those interned or fearful during the 3rd Reich were NOT victims because they were to fearful to rebel or that they became "supporters" because they took two years to fight back instead of one.

 

What one can hope for is that one works from being a victim to becoming a person of action and eventually a survivor.

 

I am only 50% in agreement with you... I totally agree that her husband behavior is low, his absolute careless about the feelings of his wife makes me feel sick... but at one point she needs to take an action, you can't be a victim all your life, if you accept the situation as it is without fighting, without doing something about it, then you stop being a victim and become a supporter of his ways... It is painful, it is sad but is true.

 

She can't keep crying around about how messed up is her life without taking any corrective action, she need to get her things together and kick this ********* from her house. She needs to go NC with him till he takes a decision and she needs to go to IC the sooner the better.

 

We all have a strong inner inside of us, we just need to find it and to use it in these concrete moments.

 

I hope she will be brave and take action... Not taking any action will just keep the things as they are and she will be broken to a point of no cure soon enough.

[dreamingoftigers]

For everyone else, thank you for all your input it does help me immensly.

 

After being together as long as we have. I'm not ready to throw in the towel.

 

So what...my only choice is to chose to ignore what he is doing or fight & wait it out??

 

You can also separate. Planned, temporarily etc. Whatever.

 

Tons of options on the spectrum.

 

You can even in-home separate (done this, it sucked for me).

 

You can even say to h that you are starting to date again because you can't take his commitment seriously. I don't necessarily recommend that, but only because of my religious standpoint. For others that may be a major point.

 

You can also attend personal counseling to discuss even more options.

[Alicat09]

I have been through ALL of everyone's suggestions I'm afraid. For an entire year you could say I told him I was dating, we lived separate lives.

 

It didn't make a difference. Bottom line he is not leaving & neither am I.

 

 

However with her continually harassing me it is hindering my healing process.

 

Every Friday when he comes home from work I have an emotional break down. It that because he is the trigger.

 

 

I'm Not healing....so much anger. & Believe me I have tried everything. He says it's over & expects me to believe it. & aside from hiring a private investigator (which im not about to do). I will never know the truth because he is not willing to give it.

 

Or he says...I just don't believe it, that it is my problem I don't believe him. & that the reason she is sending me all the emails is because it is over.

 

All her emails indicate that it truly may be over...but I don't believe it.

 

What I do know is that next time she does approach me she is going to get another visit from the police, with charges laid.

 

He will be left to deal with the Physco on his own...I am taking back at least that part of me. I know longer care what she does!

[bentnotbroken]

Yes I appreciate that' date=' it is just that some here were really being quite rude to me, I am sorry...... I guess I am not like most OW, my situation is most likely not the norm and indeed the OP may have a bunny boiler..... so yes..... i am out of here.. But if an OW is a bunny boiler, [b']what do we call a[/b] BS who holds on to her H no matter what?

 

 

The wife.........

Edited January 7, 2013 by bentnotbroken

[whichwayisup]

Originally Posted by j'adore View Post

Yes I appreciate that, it is just that some here were really being quite rude to me, I am sorry...... I guess I am not like most OW, my situation is most likely not the norm and indeed the OP may have a bunny boiler..... so yes..... i am out of here.. But if an OW is a bunny boiler, what do we call a BS who holds on to her H no matter what?

 

What is the point of taking shots at a BS?

 

This thread is not about that.

 

What do you expect? For her to 'hand over' her husband to the OW? Slink away and never be seen or heard from again? Is she not supposed to fight for him and their marriage? Sorry, comparing the OW in this situation who IS harassing the OP, enough that she plans on involving the cops, and you are implicating that the BS is a bunny boiler for fighting for her marriage?

[Spark1111]

j'adore;

Please stop with the ALL's & EVERY's & the DEFINITELY's because as you yourself know, being that your mistress/MM relationship is an exception, it isn't accurate nor kind to generalize EVERYONE that is an OW or BS or MM or or or is a certain way.

 

And I am Not being sarcastic, snide or rude in saying that you and some of your very valid comments may be better received if served with a hint of something sweet and a smile*

 

And how come no BS of D poster is shaming j'adore for her lack of support for the OP? why are we not claiming how insensitive, bitter, and in denial SHE is?

 

Do we not hear that constantly on the other forum?

 

This is a sniping drive by we deal with all the time here without bemoaning or complaining or reporting, blah, blah, blah...

 

Sorry for the to.

 

Your situation is intolerable, OP. When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will be forced to action.

 

rug sweepers like your H are as unlikely to change their behavior as a leopard can change it's spots.

 

It doesn't sound like a healthy way to live. if you cannot change him, you only have two choices: accept it, or change yourself.

[thomasb]

Yeah she is gonna look pretty stupid when the OW proves her H is still seeing her...... and I doubt that the OW is laughing at her at all

 

This isn't about her husband. But I realize you don't get that. No suprise. It is about the innocent wife being harrased. And it is really hard to see someone behind bars!

[ComingInHot]

Alicat09;

I had this amazing "lol" response all typed out for you last night, then the LS site went down and I lost it all...

 

I will try again... The thing is, I was REALLY hoping to Not feel the need to comment as your story hits close to home for me. It stings a bit but I think it's important for you to know that you are Not alone AND more importantly that absolutely NOTHING is going to change for you Until You decide to change it.

 

You Husband sounds VERY similar to mine. The OW your having to deal with comes across as mine did as well.

 

You aren't Just dealing with an infidelity here. You are dealing with the characteristics of individuals that greatly impact each facet of the A.

 

Your husband - Let me guess (and derive from your posts)...

1. He is Prideful. He takes pride in being better, achieving more, having more, showing off his stuff, his earnings so to speak

 

2. He is Narcissistic and has a HUGE Ego. Everything is About Him. How He feels. How he is affected. How he gains. How amazing he thinks he is. How amazing Others think he is. The moment he finds someone to hang on his every word or compliment him/his achievements, they are granted access into his elite circle. The second someone, anyone disagrees with his "gospel" or ideas or behaviors or actions is the second they are "flawed" or disturbed and Not worthy of being part of his world.

 

3. He is Manipulative & incapable of accepting Responsibility. If something goes "wrong", it is because of something that someone Did or Didn't do. He was "forced" into the action he performed to "fix" or "teach" the offending party/ies so they know that they are in the wrong and learn never to (make him look or feel bad about himself) do it again. He easily lays blame at the feet of anyone remotely near the situation BUT mostly it ends up being YOUR (the Wife's) Fault. ie; "If you would just..., If you didn't do ____, then I wouldn't be or do ______, You make me this way..."

(these are just a few)

 

4. He NEVER loses or Admits defeat. He's the guy that would fake a leg cramp if he thought he would come in last place in a race... He probably wouldn't DO anything unless he felt he could Get it/Win it or Beat it. If he is told "No" then he believes it is "their loss" and "he wouldn't have really done it anyway"...

 

It isn't surprising that he would find an OW with Similar characteristics and personality. This person understands all of the above traits as bringing pleasure and making her strong and determined... She (he) is "feeding" the above traits and in return is being fed.

 

If I am even HALF right regarding your husband and the OW then KNOW THIS, NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE FOR YOU UNLESS YOU CHANGE SOMETHING.

 

Right now your husband has Zero consequences for his Infidelity. He LIKES the fact that you bring up his infidelity as it reminds him that he "scored" with another "hot chick". He will say, "just let it go. You're the one who can't get over it. If you'd just ignore her, she'll go away"

The FACT is, she most likely will Not go away w/out "help" from the authorities. (my OW didn't)...

 

DISCLAIMER: To ALL the amazing women on LS, OW's FOW's OW's to be (I actually hope not though*) my description is ONLY of my husband's exOW and I KNOW the vast majority of you lovely ladies are NOT like this

 

Alicat09, It took 2 years. TWO YEARS for me to FINALLY CHANGE SOMETHING!! Guess what that was? COMING HERE to LS and having Miss SPARK111 and DECORATIVE and BETRAYEDH tell me to "pull on my Big Girl Pants, and make something Happen"!!

 

I did it. It came down to the fact that I had to give my husband a choice and be willing to live with whatever his choice was. Meaning for each choice I gave him, there would be a consequence. (Remember there are both good & bad consequences..*)

 

Choice #1 - He goes to Counseling w/me to work on our marriage & he goes to IC to work on his "character" issues. He goes then I stay to reconcile.

 

Choice #2 - He doesn't go to Counseling w/me & to IC to better our marriage and himself. I Divorce and the kids may or may not get to see their Dad 50/50. (it would be a location thing, not me keeping them apart).

 

I gave him 24 hours. I handed him the beginning paperwork from the D attorney I had met with. I handed him the Christian Counselor's business card that I had met with. That night I had a big slumber party upstairs with my 2 awesome kids so he could think about it.

 

It was the worst 24 hours of my life... But I was RESOLUTE. I decided not to live as a doormat and a punching bag any longer. My children would see a STRONG woman and mother doing the right thing by herself and for them.

 

It's been quite a few months since then. I WISH I could tell you that everything will turn out as it has for me but I can't promise you that. But what I can tell you is that either way, I would have gotten my life back.

 

It just so happens, I got my husband back (better then before) and family back in one piece as well.

 

CIH

[turnera]

I'm Not healing....so much anger. & Believe me I have tried everything.

Did you tell his parents that he cheated on you? His siblings? Your pastor?

 

Are you attending MC together?

 

Do you have his passwords? Does he hand over his phone at any hour of the day when you hold your hand out for it? Did he take a polygraph so you can verify he's really not seeing her? Did he sign a postnup agreement so that when you catch him the next time with the next lady (since you gave him no consequences and taught him it's not big deal to cheat on you), he has to hand over all his money?

 

No? Then you haven't tried everything.

[Alicat09]

Coming In HOt:

 

You have my H's personality bang on.

 

Problem with a Narcasist...is adimitting your faults & this is something he will never do. I have told him he needs to go to councelling & have asked him to do so. He said he would go...but of course another empty promise.

 

How to you get someone like that to even look at themselves & admit that they are that personality type. I know he will never go...that would be admitting failure to something.

 

I'm sure it shows in his job as well & he would benefit greatly to go to IC. It's not going to happen. I think he would chance breaking up first if it would mean admitting he needed councelling.

 

All his family & my family know everything because she was more than happy to reveal all their intimate love details to them as well.

 

She even tried contacting my children of FB.

 

We both need IC & MC. But something I'm afraid will not happen either.

 

 

I've been telling myself for 2 yrs I need to work on me, but after every devasting blow...& numerous D'days. I have shut down.

 

I tell my self every day...I'm working on me.

[Alicat09]

And...I'm very glad I joined up on LS.

 

Nice to know I'm not the only freak trying to pretend life is just peachy.

 

You know what I really hate the most. Is when people tell me how "sorry" they feel for me. That makes me sooo angry. I'm not a Loser, I'm a good person. Don't feel sorry for me, makes me feel like a total loser & failure!

 

There is only so many family & friends you can talk to without feeling that you are nuisance.

 

 

I could also use some tips. Like do how you put the quote in your post??

[Alicat09]

Sorry & aside from one of the OW postiing on here (that is just completely "Oblivious" to her own sitauation....wow she is in such denial)

 

Everyone is great thanks for the help.

 

I'm having a good day.

[ComingInHot]

Alicat09;

 

Honestly, the "thing" that worked the best with getting my husband to wake up was, SHAME. Public, Personal, Familial SHAME. He could NOT escape that. No amount of blame-laying, manipulating, lying, twisting of the truth could Un-Do what EVERYONE knew he had done.

 

When I say everyone, I mean, his parents, siblings, one or two friends, My entire Family, and my Best Friends.

 

It was then that he had No alternative to turn inwards and look at Himself and his actions and the damage his actions had caused.

 

He began (quickly) to realize that his employees KNEW what he had done and that they had little respect for him and he had to know that and face it going into work Everyday. He realized that his behaviors didn't "just start" when he married me but had been long a part of his childhood behaviors.

 

I think the Saving Grace was that he was Raised knowing right from wrong. He was raised in a Christian Family and environment. He Does Believe in God and has Faith. For the first time in his life, he stopped trying to throw the "I'm a man of God" deterrent out to sway people away from seeing his behaviors.

 

I believe it was his Shame that brought him to his knees, his faith that allowed him to ask forgiveness (not an easy thing for a Narcissist), and our Forgiveness (and God's forgiveness) that enabled him to stand back up a different man HELL BENT on CHANGE.

 

He never truly saw the pain of anyone he hurt. Not until the above happened. I have never seen a man more broken become SO handsome and attractive to me.

One thing about these people with the characteristics mentioned above. When a wake-up call does happen and they choose to answer the call, WOW can they use their "power" for good!

 

Does this happen often. Probably not (I honestly don't know) as pride does go before the fall etc... Like I said, if it weren't for his Faith, I don't think his turn around would have happened. But that's just me.

 

Then again if it weren't for his OW being Far More severe with the above character traits, none of this (our healing) would have taken place. At the end of the day the very thing he had become, met, had an A with, ended up beating him at his own game...

 

I still thank her for that but not out loud...