Woggle Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Just treat them like garbage, cheat on them and show them how little their feelings matter to you and they will be all over you ready to hand over their balls. I know that is not what you really want though so just hold out for a guy that really does appreciate a woman like you. They are out there. 1
KungFuJoe Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 You really think people are turned off by it? All these men (save the first one because I hadn't developed it at the time) know about it pretty immediately. I live a full life and work out 4 times per week....and the guy who cheated on his girlfriend with me is now with that slutty girl who also has a chronic illness. I also know tons people with lupus and Crohn's who have no problems getting into LTRs as it doesn't effect most people's day-to-day lives. I honestly don't think it's an issue, but maybe that's just be being naive and everyone is running from it. I don't know you personally and I don't have much info on you other than what you've provided. Assuming everything you said is true...that your personality, looks, attitude, etc are fine...but guys keep dumping you, I would assume you either have just had bad luck or they could be concerned about long term with you due to your condition.
Author unluckyinlove4 Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 I don't know you personally and I don't have much info on you other than what you've provided. Assuming everything you said is true...that your personality, looks, attitude, etc are fine...but guys keep dumping you, I would assume you either have just had bad luck or they could be concerned about long term with you due to your condition. The first guy "fell out of love" with me because of my condition, but he didn't know at the time the fatigue was due to an illness. With the second guy, he always maintained it was never an issue and it literally never was with the third and fourth guy...I never got ill around them. Most people with lupus lead very normal lives...as do I (or more so) than most people. I don't deal with lupus attacking my vital organs now, so I likely never will. It's just more of a nuisance than life-threatening and is managed by pills.
KungFuJoe Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 The first guy "fell out of love" with me because of my condition, but he didn't know at the time the fatigue was due to an illness. With the second guy, he always maintained it was never an issue and it literally never was with the third and fourth guy...I never got ill around them. Most people with lupus lead very normal lives...as do I (or more so) than most people. I don't deal with lupus attacking my vital organs now, so I likely never will. It's just more of a nuisance than life-threatening and is managed by pills. That's good to hear that it's not bad and you have it under control. I would chalk up to a combination of some guys being scared of your condition and bad luck. You're still young...I wouldn't worry about it so much. There's nothing you can really do to prevent someone from leaving you. If they want out, they want out. Just continue to stay strong and be yourself.
todreaminblue Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 (edited) That would be enviable....but considering my high sex drive and wanting to have kids, it seems as though I DO need a man to fulfill those things. Being a people pleaser is hard work, you need to battle occasionally, and stand by what you have said or believe in doesn't do anyone favors to not, to you or the guy you are with.I pick my battles carefully...ill fight for what is right and i will give ultimatums in a relationship, i have basically ended my relationships by giving the guy the choice to stay or go by not stopping...took em a lot to get there but i get there,nearly killed me in the last relationship but i got there....as far as when i date i have ended the ones i needed to end, and there were issues that would have caused contention or the guys werent strong enough to handle me I do know this with guys and dating, they get dumped just as much, they get disillusioned just as much, in that respect they are no different to us as females,they also get bored just like us, there has to be a bit of mystery, and a challenge and a bit of fear, yes fear of losing that person, most men are not scared of doormats,I do anything for a guy in a relationship within reason.......if a guy i am in a relationship says something that gets my goat ill say it....ill be passionate, ill stand on my own, have for years my problem is i carry too much of the load, become a pack horse, and when i get weighted down too much i know i should have lightened it ages ago,I am ocd in a relationship and my ultimate goal is to make someone truly happy,and for me to be truly happy I need a guy who says my good is good enough, so i dotn do things over and over and over again I know if i dont say what i have to say, the guy wont be happy with me, as most guys are attracted to me in the beginning because i will be honest......I fail in relationships when i go internal, and it starts slowly, i just start internalizing more and more, until i get sick and it manifests in all areas of my life......that is normally when i have lost trust in someone, i dont feel i can speak to them so i do everything myself, because they either rejected me when i asked for help or they werent honest with me....I become elusive, withdrawn,aloof and ultimately......very sick you need not to just "do it anyway" for a guy you are with......you need to vocalise more, and pick a guy who is strong enough and interestingly passionate enough fro you to relate to.....you havent met the right guy yet....but you will......because you are intelligent enough to know what you want....go get it...keep it by staying true to who you really are not what your perception of what they want out of you is or who they need you to b e....buy the doormat at crazy clarks for two bucks and let them wipe their feet on that.....hit them over the head with it when they finish..im being metaphorical lol not saying really hit them...battle though..go for what you need desire and want, mentally physically and emotionally.....thats where your relationship will succeed and you will be happy and so will they...deb Edited January 6, 2013 by todreaminblue
Author unluckyinlove4 Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 Thanks guys. I hope so. Getting frustrated.
Radu Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I think it's still down to you being a pleaser, you need to stand up for yourself. You won't become less feminine by doing it.
Author unluckyinlove4 Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 I think it's still down to you being a pleaser, you need to stand up for yourself. You won't become less feminine by doing it. That's probably partly true. I am very nurturing and really like to take care of the men I date, but I know I can do that without being a doormat. Growing up, my dad was a Grade A conflict avoider and responding to any sort of disagreement as though we were attacking him or if my mother and I tried to sort out our issues together, he'd tell us to "be quiet and be nice." It's really weird....partly why I think parents should work on their issues before they have kids. I've been trying to be more assertive because I have been taken advantage of by friends as well, but it's not as big of a deal since I tend to have a lot of friends and weed people out who take advantage of me too often. My mom is also a bit of a conflict avoider and has an idea that disagreeing with a guy will make him hate you (probably from being married to my dad?). The fourth guy broke up with me four days before Christmas. I am American but live in Europe and I had planned to have Christmas with him, see some friends and go to holiday gatherings with him. He knew everyone would be out of the house and my housemate would be gone during this time. I told him I wasn't mad at him for breaking it off with me (I'm the least hurt about this one, but the most confused as I thought perhaps grown up love was less of an infatuation the way my others had been), but mad that he did it when he did...that he should have done it at the beginning of the month or waited until after Xmas so I could have made plans. We spoke a little bit since then, but I have a ticket to an event we bought together that I can't go to now, and I sent him two emails to tell him I could forward him the tickets and he hasn't responded, so I stopped. I told my mom I didn't understand why he wouldn't just say, "Hey, thanks but I don't want them." or something instead of ignoring me and my mom says she thinks it's because I criticized him for breaking up with me 4 days before Xmas. Frustrating dynamics at play (and I don't think he's not wanting the tickets because I criticized him!).
Author unluckyinlove4 Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 I got one word for ya: Minnesota. I don't get it, but I suspect it has something to do with whining. Thanks...helpful!
eleanorhurting Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I agree with Ninja for the most part. You pick inappropriate men and know it but hang on to them when you should move on and find someone better. Learn to recognize early on when it's not going to work out and then leave. You can dump them instead of them sensing your displeasure and dumping you first. you remind me of myself
Author unluckyinlove4 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 Feeling pretty down about this today....not sure what to say. My fourth ex doesn't want to speak to me....I confronted him on it and he said he did want to hear from me he's just confused. ugh...lame excuse...especially since I found him on a dating site (although we met on one and I think this one was from before and deactivated and now it's back, but he hasn't been online in a while it seems). Just wish I didn't feel down about it!
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