Unlucky in Love...Name Says It All! A Bit Long....

[unluckyinlove4]

I've been reading a lot of posts and websites about similar issues, but I'd like to get some perspective.

 

Firstly, I'm 28, I'm attractive, stay in shape (although improvements could be made!), studying for a PhD and am a soon-to-be published fiction author. I know everyone says they're intelligent and attractive, but to be honest, I have never had trouble picking up men....any time I try online dating I have a pretty large response and when I go out with friends, I usually have guys hitting on me.

 

BUT I do NOT think I'm perfect. I know I can be a bit of a people-pleaser and doormat because that's the way my parents modeled their relationship and behavior. I can also go out of my way to do too many things for a partner that they don't return, making me look like I'll do anything for the guy. I think it's because I'm afraid I'll lose him, but inevitably, I do anyway.

 

I feel like there is something wrong with me that when the guy sees the real me, he's heading for the hills....but I don't know what the real me issue is!

 

The issue is that I'm literally ALWAYS dumped. ALWAYS. It's the same pattern: the guy falls desperately in love with me and chases me and when I finally convince myself to relax and that he's around for the long-haul, he bolts.

 

I'm 28 now (and 70% of my friends my age are married or in serious long-term relationships). I've had four big relationships and I'll detail them below:

 

1) I started dating this guy in college, but I was a bit older than he was. His parents didn't really like me because I was older (by two years). We fell in that magical first love kind of love and by 6 months, with no warning signs, he dumped me saying he no longer loved me. He followed me to my same college a year later (we went to separate schools whilst we were dating) and then joined my brother fraternity, stared at me all of the time, etc., but refused to talk to me for more than a few minute conversation. When I asked him what I had done wrong he said, "Nothing, I just don't love you anymore."

 

This was years ago, but he's now with a stable partner. It was so long ago, I'm not sure I can even count it.

 

2) The second guy I met through a friend. We considered getting married, but he had a lot of issues with alcohol and depression and his ambition doesn't match mine. I don't need someone who's also a PhD, but I didn't want someone who wanted to advance their career and constantly complained about their job, but had no desire to change. Change or don't! We dated for about a year when he dumped me...although at the time I agreed with him. We called each other every day for about 7 months after we broke up and finally he told me not to call him anymore because he needed to move on.

 

He's now in a stable relationship with a woman he regards as "The One" and we talk occasionally.

 

3) The third guy, I met completely accidentally on vacation and he was in a relationship with someone else. We had the sparks of a relationship, but I told him I couldn't continue to have a relationship with him while he was with someone else as it was disrespectful to his partner and painful and unfair to me. He chose to stay with her. A couple months later, he broke it off with her and tried to get me to commit to him, but I had a few issues with it--namely that he was so ready to cheat on his partner than to work on their problems and secondly that we lived far away from one another (though I was moving there soon). I told him we'd put it on hold and see how we felt when I moved there. 3 months before I moved (and only about 3 months since he tried to get me to commit to...a total of 7 months of a "romance") he was in a relationship with a girl who is nice enough, but is not very intelligent and has had sex with every single one of their guy friends. I'm not sure of what her issues are (I don't know her that well, but I have hung out with her a few times when he and I were "dating"), but let's just say she's a major downgrade from the partner he was cheating on. A lot of drama happened between us when I told him I didn't want to compete against yet another girl and he couldn't understand. Evidently, he's told a lot of people he misses me and we speak every so often (as we now live in the same town), but I'm unsure if he is still with this girl or not. I would guess yes, but he actually told someone he is actively trying to hide his relationship status from me.

 

4) This most recent guy dumped me four days before Christmas. He and I met online in July and dated up until Christmas. The relationship was fine...he's a lovely guy, but I'm not sure either of us fell in love with one another. The relationship was honest and easy, but I didn't feel like he matched my intellectual level the way my other partners have and sometimes I just felt like he didn't have time for a relationship. I had a gut feeling it wasn't going to work out, but I was willing to give it more time to see if the "spark" would "ignite." He dumped me saying he was sorry it wasn't going to work out, but he just wasn't in love with me and didn't see himself falling in love with me.

 

Everyone that dumps me does so without warning. They don't talk to me about our issues, just drop me. It's like I'm not even worth it. I'm not a girl that men chase after they've been in relationships.

 

Every one of my exes will also tell me (at different times since we've broken up....not at the time we've broken up but after) how beautiful, lovely, talented and special I am and one ex even said, "Any guy would be lucky to have you."

 

So why don't they want me?!

 

All of this has really shattered my confidence. I'm online dating again and have a few dates lined up, but I just feel like I'm inching toward being that weird dog lady who does nothing but work on her academic work and fiction and doesn't have a man and kids. Kids are VERY important to me....so that's one thing that's really scaring me.

[SJC2008]

I've been reading a lot of posts and websites about similar issues, but I'd like to get some perspective.

 

Firstly, I'm 28, I'm attractive, stay in shape (although improvements could be made!), studying for a PhD and am a soon-to-be published fiction author. I know everyone says they're intelligent and attractive, but to be honest, I have never had trouble picking up men....any time I try online dating I have a pretty large response and when I go out with friends, I usually have guys hitting on me.

 

BUT I do NOT think I'm perfect. I know I can be a bit of a people-pleaser and doormat because that's the way my parents modeled their relationship and behavior. I can also go out of my way to do too many things for a partner that they don't return, making me look like I'll do anything for the guy. I think it's because I'm afraid I'll lose him, but inevitably, I do anyway.

 

I feel like there is something wrong with me that when the guy sees the real me, he's heading for the hills....but I don't know what the real me issue is!

 

The issue is that I'm literally ALWAYS dumped. ALWAYS. It's the same pattern: the guy falls desperately in love with me and chases me and when I finally convince myself to relax and that he's around for the long-haul, he bolts.

 

I'm 28 now (and 70% of my friends my age are married or in serious long-term relationships). I've had four big relationships and I'll detail them below:

 

1) I started dating this guy in college, but I was a bit older than he was. His parents didn't really like me because I was older (by two years). We fell in that magical first love kind of love and by 6 months, with no warning signs, he dumped me saying he no longer loved me. He followed me to my same college a year later (we went to separate schools whilst we were dating) and then joined my brother fraternity, stared at me all of the time, etc., but refused to talk to me for more than a few minute conversation. When I asked him what I had done wrong he said, "Nothing, I just don't love you anymore."

 

This was years ago, but he's now with a stable partner. It was so long ago, I'm not sure I can even count it.

 

2) The second guy I met through a friend. We considered getting married, but he had a lot of issues with alcohol and depression and his ambition doesn't match mine. I don't need someone who's also a PhD, but I didn't want someone who wanted to advance their career and constantly complained about their job, but had no desire to change. Change or don't! We dated for about a year when he dumped me...although at the time I agreed with him. We called each other every day for about 7 months after we broke up and finally he told me not to call him anymore because he needed to move on.

 

He's now in a stable relationship with a woman he regards as "The One" and we talk occasionally.

 

3) The third guy, I met completely accidentally on vacation and he was in a relationship with someone else. We had the sparks of a relationship, but I told him I couldn't continue to have a relationship with him while he was with someone else as it was disrespectful to his partner and painful and unfair to me. He chose to stay with her. A couple months later, he broke it off with her and tried to get me to commit to him, but I had a few issues with it--namely that he was so ready to cheat on his partner than to work on their problems and secondly that we lived far away from one another (though I was moving there soon). I told him we'd put it on hold and see how we felt when I moved there. 3 months before I moved (and only about 3 months since he tried to get me to commit to...a total of 7 months of a "romance") he was in a relationship with a girl who is nice enough, but is not very intelligent and has had sex with every single one of their guy friends. I'm not sure of what her issues are (I don't know her that well, but I have hung out with her a few times when he and I were "dating"), but let's just say she's a major downgrade from the partner he was cheating on. A lot of drama happened between us when I told him I didn't want to compete against yet another girl and he couldn't understand. Evidently, he's told a lot of people he misses me and we speak every so often (as we now live in the same town), but I'm unsure if he is still with this girl or not. I would guess yes, but he actually told someone he is actively trying to hide his relationship status from me.

 

4) This most recent guy dumped me four days before Christmas. He and I met online in July and dated up until Christmas. The relationship was fine...he's a lovely guy, but I'm not sure either of us fell in love with one another. The relationship was honest and easy, but I didn't feel like he matched my intellectual level the way my other partners have and sometimes I just felt like he didn't have time for a relationship. I had a gut feeling it wasn't going to work out, but I was willing to give it more time to see if the "spark" would "ignite." He dumped me saying he was sorry it wasn't going to work out, but he just wasn't in love with me and didn't see himself falling in love with me.

 

Everyone that dumps me does so without warning. They don't talk to me about our issues, just drop me. It's like I'm not even worth it. I'm not a girl that men chase after they've been in relationships.

 

Every one of my exes will also tell me (at different times since we've broken up....not at the time we've broken up but after) how beautiful, lovely, talented and special I am and one ex even said, "Any guy would be lucky to have you."

 

So why don't they want me?!

 

All of this has really shattered my confidence. I'm online dating again and have a few dates lined up, but I just feel like I'm inching toward being that weird dog lady who does nothing but work on her academic work and fiction and doesn't have a man and kids. Kids are VERY important to me....so that's one thing that's really scaring me.

 

You seem to have good enough people skills to meet men IRL so my advice for now would be to ditch OLD and never do it agian. It will destroy you. Basically most men can't get dates and most women wind up getting pumped and dumped/ GIG'd.

[trevzilla]

You seem to have good enough people skills to meet men IRL so my advice for now would be to ditch OLD and never do it agian. It will destroy you. Basically most men can't get dates and most women wind up getting pumped and dumped/ GIG'd.

 

That's my experience. I currently have almost 100 women who've used a flirt option like meet me, favourite or messaged me. Out of those I'd say 3 we're attractive and I'm talking just on my radar; They are rarely younger than me and usually older by 5 or even 10 years and out of shape even though most of my listed interests revolve around physical fitness. None of the women I've messaged have been interested and I'm not just going for the gorgeous ones (I also set my filter to only see women up to 10 years younger than me and even then rarely message ones younger than 5 or 6 years), merely cute ones seem to be holding out for Brad Pitt. It's extremely demoralizing and the occasional woman that I do talk to will remark how normal and polite I am and that I'm articulate. They always mention that the majority of guys are creeps. 8 months online has resulted in 2 first dates. Both were decent but no sparks. The 2nd date seemed pretty dumb and had virtually nothing to say. The first one was intelligent and nice, but I didn't want to be any more than her friend and I could tell she was into me, so I broke contact as I didn't want to jerk her around.

[unluckyinlove4]

Out of 4 men though, I've only met one online. The others have dumped me as well.

 

I should also add that I make friends easily and have a lot of friends, so I know the issue isn't some weird interpersonal one where I can't hold onto relationships period. I know a few people who have that problem, but that's not mine.

[unluckyinlove4]

That's my experience. I currently have almost 100 women who've used a flirt option like meet me, favourite or messaged me. Out of those I'd say 3 we're attractive and I'm talking just on my radar; They are rarely younger than me and usually older by 5 or even 10 years and out of shape even though most of my listed interests revolve around physical fitness. None of the women I've messaged have been interested and I'm not just going for the gorgeous ones (I also set my filter to only see women up to 10 years younger than me and even then rarely message ones younger than 5 or 6 years), merely cute ones seem to be holding out for Brad Pitt. It's extremely demoralizing and the occasional woman that I do talk to will remark how normal and polite I am and that I'm articulate. They always mention that the majority of guys are creeps. 8 months online has resulted in 2 first dates. Both were decent but no sparks. The 2nd date seemed pretty dumb and had virtually nothing to say. The first one was intelligent and nice, but I didn't want to be any more than her friend and I could tell she was into me, so I broke contact as I didn't want to jerk her around.

 

Interesting, but unfortunately it doesn't help me.

[Starlett]

I am in the same boat as you as well and am wondering the same thing...

 

Looking at getting back into online dating myself.

[SJC2008]

Sorry to sidetrack the tread about OLD. I always tell new people to it don't do it, regardless of gender.

 

Ok we know you're attractive and intelligent and have NO problem finding a man, just keeping them.

1) What type of men do you date? Dominant, even-keeled, passive?? Were these exes worth keeping in the first place??

2) Are you the jealous type? Do you beleive in having your own lives in addition to the relationship?

3) Do you stand your ground on your boundaries? You say you're a people pleaser... If you get into an argument do you fold or hold your ground?? Not that it's about winning the argument but you should catch my drift! What about the other end of the spectrum? Are you never wrong? Don't beleive in compromise??

 

It could be tons of things from your people picker to bad luck to things you do...

[mortensorchid]

I am in the same boat as you. I have had (as an adult, not counting my high school sweetheart) 4 serious relationships in my life, I've been dumped by all of them (and all the ones in between). I have asked myself why this happens. I have determined that they do not deserve happiness, they do not deserve good women but trashy ones.

[Starlett]

Sorry to sidetrack the tread about OLD. I always tell new people to it don't do it, regardless of gender.

 

It does work for some. Two of my friends met their now current boyfriends from online dating. Both attractive girls also.

 

Shrugs. Just got to make sure you we out the duds fast and do it the right way I guess.

[mortensorchid]

The worst part about it is the fact that it chips away at your self esteem, you think that there is something wrong with YOU. But you can't. It took me a while to get over that, but I think I am of a better mindset these days. The man should be happy to be with you or any other good woman out there, but instead they go for trashy ones and suffer the consequences.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I know it's a bit complicated to you but from my perspective this is all pretty simple in a nut shell, mainly because I know the "type of girl" you are.

 

1) Was the tester relationship, due to inexperience and youth decisions were made by him more out of convenience than true love, he fell in deep with you initially but pulled away through the relationship.

 

Most guys at this age are still deciding what they want in a woman and don't really have the confident or skill to move on from a relationship when they know it's over...therefore the drawn out then final cut.

 

Usually he'll leave when there is another option(s) in the wings.

 

2) You should have never dated this guy, he has an addictive and cyclical behavior, not a stable man, needed someone as self-destructive as him or more understanding that he could relate to...he also needed time to figure himself out.

 

I doubt his next relationship will last unless he's made major self-improvements, which I highly doubt. Things should blow up after the honey moon phase.

 

3) The third guy was unavailable, again...you should have never been with that guy either, nor expected him to leave her for you, they hardly do...and chances are he wouldn't want to be with you anyway in the end...you were just an escape from his real life.

 

4) This sounds more like a friends than romance relationship, you might be able to maintain a functioning friendship of some kind after this relationship as you may care about each other but not really in danger of a romance since that's been over and done with.

 

You should cut out the first 3 guys out of your life, you're not recognizing your own behavior.

 

I'm being a little lazy in your past because I'm not going to pick you apart and break you down like I usually do, but you definitely need to look within to what attracts you to these men...and stop going for men that are not available, you need to expect more for yourself, stop dabbling in these little flings of fire...I know you're highly attracted and addicted to them but you're never going to fix these men and change them to be with you, you can't make them yours...then you're not yours to claim.

 

You need to really sit down with yourself and realize what it is in these relationships that have in common, you need to recognize your own issues, insecurities and habits that cause you to draw out these relationships when you know full well you should jump ship, you keep staying though...you drive yourself into the ground with these men because you think in the end a magical fairy will spin your relationship into a blissful one and fill that big void within you...you're not taking the time to see yourself and your patterns, you don't know your issues and your triggers, you've got a long way to go unfortunately because right now you're still in the state of unawareness and denial, but you know, inside you know what you're doing wrong, you realize what is coming you're just not in control of yourself.

 

You need to reflect on your past childhood, open that door inside you that you do not want to and face the fears of your past and the issues that reside inside of you that cause you to be this kind of person...you may not have the typical scenario of a abusive or destructive upbringing or childhood but only you can find the key to why you put yourself in these situations...because in the end you always have a choice and come to a crossroads, but you always give into chance and hope and really you can't trust yourself.

 

I'm sorry to say this but I wouldn't trust anyone you choose to date or attract, men can probably sniff out your vulnerabilities early on and you are attracted to the kind of men you are that are either broken or unavailable....maybe in the end you don't want it to work out with these men, maybe you just want someone there now, and someone who never makes you feel too safe or in control.

[unluckyinlove4]

Firstly, I will say I can come across as feisty on message boards and I'm just the opposite in real life. In "real life" where the stakes are higher, I hardly ever assert myself, which I'm working on.

 

I also have a chronic illness that is not curable. It doesn't effect my life too much, other than making me have the flu more often than most people and being fatigued a lot. But I still do a lot of things. My parents think I should hide this, but I find that a bit dishonest.

 

 

 

3) The third guy was unavailable, again...you should have never been with that guy either, nor expected him to leave her for you, they hardly do...and chances are he wouldn't want to be with you anyway in the end...you were just an escape from his real life.

 

Not sure if you read the entire thing, but he DID leave her for me in the end. However, when I wouldn't commit to him, he found someone else very quickly....this trashy girl who has slept with all of his friends and isn't very intelligent. He is highly needy, though, and cannot be without someone...which is also what made it difficult for me to want to be with him in the long run.

 

 

 

4) This sounds more like a friends than romance relationship, you might be able to maintain a functioning friendship of some kind after this relationship as you may care about each other but not really in danger of a romance since that's been over and done with.

 

 

I'm sorry to say this but I wouldn't trust anyone you choose to date or attract, men can probably sniff out your vulnerabilities early on and you are attracted to the kind of men you are that are either broken or unavailable....maybe in the end you don't want it to work out with these men, maybe you just want someone there now, and someone who never makes you feel too safe or in control.

 

Would you not trust the fourth guy? I really thought I was on the right track with him, but here should have been red flags...i.e. when he's told me he's 30 and has never been in love except once with an unavailable woman....I dunno...

 

I guess what I don't understand is how men like the third guy can get women to commit to him, even though he's very exhausting to be with in a relationship. I don't get how he can go from one woman to the next and actually find women who want to commit. He also cannot be alone AT ALL...hence thinking he could break it off with his first girl and be with me right away, which I didn't want to do.

 

I guess my other issue is that I don't understand WHY I'm broken. I have been to therapy over this and I haven't come to any answers aside from looking at childhood traumas....and my confidence is still shaken. I tend to think that the right person will love you and your vulnerabilities (I feel as though I'm more mentally together than most of my friends and these people have partners in spite of their vulnerabilities) instead of preying on them.

 

I thought I was on the right track with the fourth guy, but I was wrong....which is frustrating. And wasn't really even worth it to him as he says he wants to maintain a friendship, but has completely cut ties with me.

 

 

 

As for SJC...

 

NO I am NOT a jealous type. The fourth guy used to go out with his ex a lot (the mother of his child) and I never got angry. In fact, I encourage people to do things like this (if it's appropriate) and to keep opposite sex friendships.

 

As far as arguing, I have never gotten into an argument with anyone I've dated, except for the third guy when I've told him to leave me alone....but he always comes back. He's been sniffing around lately as well. But in general in arguments, I fold pretty easily.

 

 

_____

 

As for the OLD...I don't think there's anything wrong with it. It's another avenue to meet people. I'm on eHarmony, which I think is for people looking for something serious.

[TaraMaiden]

Do you actually need a man?

 

Sometimes, we focus so much on what we don't have, that wanting it seems the most natural thing in the world.

 

My cousin is firmly celibate and refuses to let a man into her life. She's hetero, but frankly feels the whole relationship thing is too much like hard work, too multi-layered and as she says - "I'm selfish about my time. I have no idea how long I have - so why should I waste it making allowances for the foibles and complications of a relationship, when I can get more satisfaction from playing to my own agenda?"

 

She's one of the most liberated people I know......

 

And enviably multi-talented and intelligent.

[unluckyinlove4]

Do you actually need a man?

 

Sometimes, we focus so much on what we don't have, that wanting it seems the most natural thing in the world.

 

My cousin is firmly celibate and refuses to let a man into her life. She's hetero, but frankly feels the whole relationship thing is too much like hard work, too multi-layered and as she says - "I'm selfish about my time. I have no idea how long I have - so why should I waste it making allowances for the foibles and complications of a relationship, when I can get more satisfaction from playing to my own agenda?"

 

She's one of the most liberated people I know......

 

And enviably multi-talented and intelligent.

 

That would be enviable....but considering my high sex drive and wanting to have kids, it seems as though I DO need a man to fulfill those things.

[TaraMaiden]

A man, sure.

 

Does it have to be THE man?

 

Would you entertain a FWB situation with someone, or does there have to be THE special person to have sex with?

 

The reason I ask, is that a good sex life is rare.

 

Most couples generally have the kind of sex-life where one partner never quite gets what they're looking for, most of the time.

Sex - for all too many - is a compromise, with - let us say - on an average of 10 sexual instances, maybe one may be mind-blowingly great, two or three fairly good, but the majority, (6 or 7) relatively ok/so-so....

 

How was the sex with all your previous 4 guys?

 

because to be honest, after a while, it wanes, and may filter off all together.

 

So don't attach too much importance to the physical aspect. That should really be a minor consideration, or at least an equal one to how often he changes his boxers/socks....

 

As for kids - Why do you want children?

 

Think about this carefully - it's a serious question. What logical reason do you have for creating an additional mouth to feed, and someone who will cost you a quarter of a million to raise?

 

I'm not putting it down - I'm trying to make you think.....

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

All of this has really shattered my confidence. I'm online dating again and have a few dates lined up, but I just feel like I'm inching toward being that weird dog lady who does nothing but work on her academic work and fiction and doesn't have a man and kids. Kids are VERY important to me....so that's one thing that's really scaring me.

 

 

Stick around and read some of the posts by men who can't get a single woman at all that are older than you and you'll feel better about your situation.

 

You're still young. It'll happen. Based on your description of yourself, I'd say it'll definitely happen. I don't consider you unlucky at all.

 

Unlucky would be like being extremely homely or 6'3" so it would be hard to attract a man.

 

To me, the only people who are 'unlucky' in love are those who are unable to attract those they are attracted to.

Edited January 6, 2013 by JuneJulySeptember

[Radu]

 

BUT I do NOT think I'm perfect. I know I can be a bit of a people-pleaser and doormat because that's the way my parents modeled their relationship and behavior. I can also go out of my way to do too many things for a partner that they don't return, making me look like I'll do anything for the guy.

This is all together, and it probably comes from your parents ... nice self-awareness.

 

I think it's because I'm afraid I'll lose him, but inevitably, I do anyway.

 

I feel like there is something wrong with me that when the guy sees the real me, he's heading for the hills....but I don't know what the real me issue is!

This is probably because of your dating history.

 

The issue is that I'm literally ALWAYS dumped. ALWAYS. It's the same pattern: the guy falls desperately in love with me and chases me and when I finally convince myself to relax and that he's around for the long-haul, he bolts.

 

I'm 28 now (and 70% of my friends my age are married or in serious long-term relationships). I've had four big relationships and I'll detail them below:

You are always dumped because you are willing to chase, it's related to being a ppl pleaser.

 

1) I started dating this guy in college, but I was a bit older than he was. His parents didn't really like me because I was older (by two years). We fell in that magical first love kind of love and by 6 months, with no warning signs, he dumped me saying he no longer loved me. He followed me to my same college a year later (we went to separate schools whilst we were dating) and then joined my brother fraternity, stared at me all of the time, etc., but refused to talk to me for more than a few minute conversation. When I asked him what I had done wrong he said, "Nothing, I just don't love you anymore."

 

This was years ago, but he's now with a stable partner. It was so long ago, I'm not sure I can even count it.

Some loss, a momma's boy who turns into a stalker.

 

2) The second guy I met through a friend. We considered getting married, but he had a lot of issues with alcohol and depression and his ambition doesn't match mine. I don't need someone who's also a PhD, but I didn't want someone who wanted to advance their career and constantly complained about their job, but had no desire to change. Change or don't! We dated for about a year when he dumped me...although at the time I agreed with him. We called each other every day for about 7 months after we broke up and finally he told me not to call him anymore because he needed to move on.

 

He's now in a stable relationship with a woman he regards as "The One" and we talk occasionally.

See the chasing thing again ?

 

3) The third guy, I met completely accidentally on vacation and he was in a relationship with someone else. We had the sparks of a relationship, but I told him I couldn't continue to have a relationship with him while he was with someone else as it was disrespectful to his partner and painful and unfair to me. He chose to stay with her. A couple months later, he broke it off with her and tried to get me to commit to him, but I had a few issues with it--namely that he was so ready to cheat on his partner than to work on their problems and secondly that we lived far away from one another (though I was moving there soon). I told him we'd put it on hold and see how we felt when I moved there. 3 months before I moved (and only about 3 months since he tried to get me to commit to...a total of 7 months of a "romance") he was in a relationship with a girl who is nice enough, but is not very intelligent and has had sex with every single one of their guy friends. I'm not sure of what her issues are (I don't know her that well, but I have hung out with her a few times when he and I were "dating"), but let's just say she's a major downgrade from the partner he was cheating on. A lot of drama happened between us when I told him I didn't want to compete against yet another girl and he couldn't understand. Evidently, he's told a lot of people he misses me and we speak every so often (as we now live in the same town), but I'm unsure if he is still with this girl or not. I would guess yes, but he actually told someone he is actively trying to hide his relationship status from me.

A cheater ... you dodged a big bullet here.

 

4) This most recent guy dumped me four days before Christmas. He and I met online in July and dated up until Christmas. The relationship was fine...he's a lovely guy, but I'm not sure either of us fell in love with one another. The relationship was honest and easy, but I didn't feel like he matched my intellectual level the way my other partners have and sometimes I just felt like he didn't have time for a relationship. I had a gut feeling it wasn't going to work out, but I was willing to give it more time to see if the "spark" would "ignite." He dumped me saying he was sorry it wasn't going to work out, but he just wasn't in love with me and didn't see himself falling in love with me.

I think this guy was honest, bad timing but at least he was honest ...

 

Everyone that dumps me does so without warning. They don't talk to me about our issues, just drop me. It's like I'm not even worth it. I'm not a girl that men chase after they've been in relationships.

That's because you as a person is someone who is willing to 'take it'.

Is someone who is a bit of a doormat, and ppl pleaser ... see where i'm going with this ?

 

Every one of my exes will also tell me (at different times since we've broken up....not at the time we've broken up but after) how beautiful, lovely, talented and special I am and one ex even said, "Any guy would be lucky to have you."

 

So why don't they want me?!

The reason why they don't want you is separate from the reason they treat you the way they do.

One was a momma's boy, one was a whiner, one was a cheater and the last one felt he had too little in common with you. Honestly, these are all valid reasons to both end the relationships and feel happy about not being with them anymore.

 

All of this has really shattered my confidence. I'm online dating again and have a few dates lined up, but I just feel like I'm inching toward being that weird dog lady who does nothing but work on her academic work and fiction and doesn't have a man and kids. Kids are VERY important to me....so that's one thing that's really scaring me.

You will never be the weird dog lady ... maybe the weird cat lady.

But seriously ... all of them were bad choices, you need to work on not being such a ppl pleaser.

 

And these things are boundaries; boundaries tell ppl how you want to be treated.

So stick around, read more threads, chat with the non-weird-old-cat-ladies of LS [though a surprising number of them have cats ... o.0], and basically see how others treat relationships.

The parents as you pointed out are the examples of relationships we have in life, they are our social programming.

So you need new examples, you need to reprogram yourself socially.

 

As for your friends ... more than half of them will be divorced in a few yrs.

 

PS: That self-awareness and critical analysis of yourself will come in handy in doing the above ... in fact it's an amazing gift.

[FitChick]

I agree with Ninja for the most part. You pick inappropriate men and know it but hang on to them when you should move on and find someone better. Learn to recognize early on when it's not going to work out and then leave. You can dump them instead of them sensing your displeasure and dumping you first.

[Radu]

Ninja was spot on with a lot of stuff, and he said what i didn't ... to look into yourself, to use that critical analysis on yourself.

 

One way to casually do this is by continuing to read this forum [as i have been doing for over 1yr now].

This is the great thing about communication and sharing relationship experience, we learn from each other.

[KungFuJoe]

Wait...what exactly is your chronic illness?

[unluckyinlove4]

I have lupus....but it's not been life threatening so far. And I know a lot of people way worse off than I am with lupus who have husbands or partners.

 

And yes, I want a kid. If you don't--that's totally your choice and I respect you. But I do want a child. Please be kind to people who have the need to procreate!

 

I'm also frustrated because I feel like I WAS making progress AND I went to therapy and was doing well...only to get dumped again after I felt I had made a better choice. I am very introspective and self-aware (so much so that my mom says it can be annoying)....just not aware as to what is it that makes me an easy dump.

 

As for the guy who I dated who we still talked after 7 months and the person saying I chased him...I didn't. The calling and texting was mutual. He even continued to text me saying he loved me after he asked me not to speak to him.

[KungFuJoe]

Have you told all the men you dated about you having lupus?

[unluckyinlove4]

Have you told all the men you dated about you having lupus?

 

Yeah they all knew. It's never a secret.

[KungFuJoe]

Yeah they all knew. It's never a secret.

 

I hate to say it, but I think you know a big reason for why it's hard for you to find someone. It is what it is...you have an incurable disease that is life threatening in some cases. You might have a very mild case of it, but I think for someone who is looking for something long term, I can see how it would be a sensitive subject.

 

You're still young (I think you said you were 27) so give it some time. It IS going to be harder for you to find someone than others, but like you said, your friends have found partners. So just continue to be honest and don't lose hope.

[unluckyinlove4]

I hate to say it, but I think you know a big reason for why it's hard for you to find someone. It is what it is...you have an incurable disease that is life threatening in some cases. You might have a very mild case of it, but I think for someone who is looking for something long term, I can see how it would be a sensitive subject.

 

You're still young (I think you said you were 27) so give it some time. It IS going to be harder for you to find someone than others, but like you said, your friends have found partners. So just continue to be honest and don't lose hope.

 

You really think people are turned off by it? All these men (save the first one because I hadn't developed it at the time) know about it pretty immediately. I live a full life and work out 4 times per week....and the guy who cheated on his girlfriend with me is now with that slutty girl who also has a chronic illness. I also know tons people with lupus and Crohn's who have no problems getting into LTRs as it doesn't effect most people's day-to-day lives. I honestly don't think it's an issue, but maybe that's just be being naive and everyone is running from it.