crzysxycool_nerd82 Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Hello everybody. Here's my issue. I have a hot/cold relationship with my dad. When we are on good terms; we're good and when we are not.. we're not . It's been like that for as long as I can remember. As of recently I have been doing some self reflection on my dating past b/c after nearly 3 years of being single I am gearing up to get back out on the dating scene. I guess you could say I had an ephiphany of sorts. From the age of 13 - 23 I either dated or "crushed" on guys that favored my father in some sort of fashion... whether it was skin tone (my dad is a lighter shade of black) or being emotionally unavailable (or just a down right assh***) I know alot of people say that the best way to gauge what kind of man a woman will end up with...see what kind of relationship she has with her father. Which is true. Knowing ALL this information...I have noticed a pattern and I have stopped it. I have expanded my dating preferences and I am more aware of the "daddy factor" when seeking a mate. So, is this something that I am being a little TOO sensitive about or not? Thanx!
rys Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 (edited) i just realized lately that my exes were bikers, which my dad was i'm kinda confused as well (so basically, i cant put any inputs ) Edited January 6, 2013 by rys
SJC2008 Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 (edited) Your parents layed the groundwork for what a "normal" relationship is. So don't be surprised that you go for EA men, it's not your fault. I have a problem of being attracted to controlling women as my mother was controlling. Being rejected by a controlling woman destroys me! I dated one for 5 weeks and am crushed:( TBS I didn't realize she was controlling untill it was over and I'm not 100% sure she is as we only dated 5 weeks but I'm pretty darn sure she is. In your case you are subconsciously trying to repair the damaged relationship with your father with EA men becuase he is EA. Basically giving yourself another chance to win him over. Same for me! Edited January 6, 2013 by SJC2008 added
ascendotum Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 (edited) Your parents layed the groundwork for what a "normal" relationship is. So don't be surprised that you go for EA men, it's not your fault. I have a problem of being attracted to controlling women as my mother was controlling. Being rejected by a controlling woman destroys me! I dated one for 5 weeks and am crushed:( TBS I didn't realize she was controlling untill it was over and I'm not 100% sure she is as we only dated 5 weeks but I'm pretty darn sure she is. I know some friends who had mothers who spoiled them who I could see end up with women that were very devoted, fuss over, nuturing, submissive types. You cant say all of us want the characteristics of our opposite sex parent when it comes to partners. I had a EA mother who was moody...so not what I want in a gf. My sisters husbands do not reflect our father. Some guys I know who had EA mothers ended up with EA wives, but I knew them well enough to know the girls that they really desired were not like this, it was case of settling from limited options...imo. In your case you are subconsciously trying to repair the damaged relationship with your father with EA men becuase he is EA. Basically giving yourself another chance to win him over. Same for me!I'd be interested to hear from women who date EA guys if this is their mindset...assuming any do reflect at all on their motivations in their choice of men. I have definitely noticed the strong trend with the daughters of single mothers who date jerk/tough guy type guys or guys who don't treat her as a priority in their life. Edited January 6, 2013 by ascendotum
SJC2008 Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I know some friends who had mothers who spoiled them who I could see end up with women that were very devoted, fuss over, nuturing, submissive types. You cant say all of us want the characteristics of our opposite sex parent when it comes to partners. I had a EA mother who was moody...so not what I want in a gf. My sisters husbands do not reflect our father. Some guys I know who had EA mothers ended up with EA wives, but I knew them well enough to know the girls that they really desired were not like this, it was case of settling from limited options...imo. I'd be interested to hear from women who date EA guys if this is their mindset...assuming any do reflect at all on their motivations in their choice of men. I have definitely noticed the strong trend with the daughters of single mothers who date jerk/tough guy type guys or guys who don't treat her as a priority in their life. You are correct that I can't say we all want the characteristics of our mother/father. I should of told the op it was a possiblilty instead of 'This is what you are doing'. It's ususally something that happens on a subconscious level. I don't say "I'm gonna go out tonight and I hope I find me a hot controlling woman". I would assume it's the same for woman who wind up with EA/abusive men.
EasyHeart Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 It's fairly common for people to be attracted to people who are like their opposite sex parent. It's also pretty typical for people to model their relationships on their parents' marriage. It's the relationship all of us are most familiar with. It can be good or bad, depending upon how good or bad your parents and their relationship were.
ascendotum Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 It's ususally something that happens on a subconscious level. I don't say "I'm gonna go out tonight and I hope I find me a hot controlling woman". I would assume it's the same for woman who wind up with EA/abusive men. Yep, it definitely on the subconscious level, below the initial, she/he's hot and has a good career and is friendly/confident.
edgygirl Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Ugh all my relationships seem to reflect my parents' one. Strong mother + good father doing everything for her no matter how she degrades him. Then she loses respect for him for him accepting how she controls/degrades him. I finally got it, and am trying to break the mold. But it's not easy. These type of guys that take c*** from me seem attracted to me like moths to flames.
TheZebra Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I have a great relationship with my dad and for the most part I'm attracted to men who show some of the same characteristics as he does. For example, I tend to go for calm, easy-going, low maintenance, positive types because that's just how my dad is. I don't get along famously with my mother, so I tend to avoid people with her traits
ascendotum Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Ugh all my relationships seem to reflect my parents' one. Strong mother + good father doing everything for her no matter how she degrades him. Then she loses respect for him for him accepting how she controls/degrades him. I finally got it, and am trying to break the mold. But it's not easy. These type of guys that take c*** from me seem attracted to me like moths to flames. But were you aloof and bitchy when you first met these 'moths to flames' men? Chances are I would say they were attracted to a different persona of you, and you only changed over time as these guys who were hooked on you, let you walk over them in the relationship. A lot of guys just do what they think will make the woman they love happy. With the wrong type of woman however this can be such a bad mindset when it comes to the female losing respect for the guy, just like you said. I find it a little weird that you would consistently have that over so many partners, especially when you saw this trait up close with your father. I guess one woman's 'great guy who knows how to treat a lady' is anothers wuss. I suspect you changed more as the relationship progressed though as the guy's didn't live up to the dominant type you secretly wanted.
edgygirl Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 (edited) But were you aloof and bitchy when you first met these 'moths to flames' men? Chances are I would say they were attracted to a different persona of you, and you only changed over time as these guys who were hooked on you, let you walk over them in the relationship. A lot of guys just do what they think will make the woman they love happy. With the wrong type of woman however this can be such a bad mindset when it comes to the female losing respect for the guy, just like you said. Both. Sometimes they catch my strong woman drift. Sometimes they think I am sweet and upbeat (I have both the strong controlling and the sweet and upbeat sides) and fall into it. And then unconsciously I always ended treating them in a controlling way because I knew I could get away with it. In a way, I think I do that to test if they really like me. I recently also realized I have a fear of abandonment issue so that might be why I test them, which is like a self fulfilling prophecy because they end up being pissed with me after a while. Now that I know all these things, I am trying to correct it as obviously that's not the person I want to be. I find it a little weird that you would consistently have that over so many partners, especially when you saw this trait up close with your father. I guess one woman's 'great guy who knows how to treat a lady' is anothers wuss. I suspect you changed more as the relationship progressed though as the guy's didn't live up to the dominant type you secretly wanted. My father has a weak side that really annoys me. But at the same time I love that he is understanding and loving with my mother. So I do go for guys who seem loving and caring like my father is. The problem is I can't seem to find one that is loving and strong at the same time. So yes you might be right... I expect them to be loving and dominant at the same time, but I never get it. Wow, you got me so well, kind of scary. ps: just read your post, my mom was EA as well in her working years. (these days she's not). Funny thing is my sis' husband is strong unlike my father, but caring as him. Guess my sis only took my father's good traits for her husband Edited January 6, 2013 by edgygirl
mortensorchid Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Calling Dr. Freud's office! I wonder how it is that this is so true for some and yet so opposite for others. My father is a dominering man. What he says GOES, he is the KING OF THE CASTLE. My mother was/is the obvious submissive the entire time. Unfortunately they do not have a very happy marriage even though they have been married for 40+ years. Oddly enough, I resemble my Dad more than Mom. I am the obvious dominant in just about everything. In the past, I seem to have attracted men who were weaker than me. They ended up resenting me because I was the dominant one, I think, but they did not change their behaviors or attitudes because of it. In turn the next one they ended up with was even weaker than they were and maybe they were happy with them, but I was left thinking they had made a pretty big mistake. Sure enough, a few of them said that they felt like they did just that. I guess there is no changing things or making them better other than to say it wasn't right. Perhaps there is someone out there who can/will hold their own with me, but until then ... I'm just sitting here. Like a lot of other women are.
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