Gingerxr2 Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Today is a really emotional day , 4 years ago today my mum died from cancer , and I was wondering if she would actually break a record and think about me ? To be honest when mum died , the ex was about as supportive as a wrong sized bra and couldn't even bring herself to hug me or ask if I was ok ? Kid you not we even had an argument a week later when she told me and I quote ! Get over it she's never coming back !! Why I even put myself through this heartache when I know deep inside she's a royal txxt ! I can't help it ! Can anyone answer why you crave someone like that ???
NoMoreJerks Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 My diagnosis of your ex, is that she was a narcissist. Only a narcissist -- who is devoid of any empathy -- would actually be so cold and unflinching in the face of someone's misery , especially when that someone happens to be their partner... I sympathize with you, given my own experiences with someone like that , who lacked empathy. I also sympathize with your loss, given that it is very likely that my dad has cancer (found out yesterday). *hugs* Know that there are people out there (even strangers) who care and sympathize, and are willing to listen, offer advice and support. As for what makes us love them in the first place? I don't think it's a conscious decision , or that it tells us anything about ourselves. There are some who claim that people who love messed up people like that, have problems themselves. Sure, in some cases that might be the case, but I never considered myself to have problems of the sort that would make me attached to an emotionally unavailable and narcissistic man.. I am not emotionally unavailable myself, nor am I looking for excuses not to commit.. (I want a LTR and , ultimately, children).. I think it just happens that we fell in love with them before they showed their true colours. I was willing to accept who he was -- I was not expecting him to be a perfect human being -- as long as he treated me with respect and showed some intimacy and love, but he was incapable of any of that. My expectations weren't high. Far from it. They were really LOW. THose things I expected from him, are GIVENS in any normal relationship, and they are not even half of what normal relationships are characterized by.... In fact, I think I suffer from difficulties in making any demands, which was made worse by the fact that my ex was a narcissist who was so self-centred and saw even the tiniest expectation (let alone a voiced demand) as neediness, etc. Everything had to be about HIS needs.. In the end, I wasn't good enough for him. I was good enough when he could use me and abuse me, but I was starting to break down... so he discarded me. I was no longer of any use to him. Sigh. Ah well. Chalk this one up to inexperience or naivete, and move on, and stop caring about people who do not care about you. I have done this with some "friends", and I am doing it now with my ex. It will take time, but the damage can be undone, I think.
Sugarkane Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 You should be glad that you're not with such an extremely callous person anymore. Sounds like they have a chip on their shoulder.
denxnis Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 You crave her acceptance, we all crave what we can't/don't have. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out what my ex was thinking. Then I realized who cares. Only thing I want from her is an apology and for her to admit she fu**ed up so I can get an ego boost; not like I would ever take her back. Would you ever take back someone who obviously cared so little about you? 1
LostOne1 Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 You crave her acceptance, we all crave what we can't/don't have. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out what my ex was thinking. Then I realized who cares. Only thing I want from her is an apology and for her to admit she fu**ed up so I can get an ego boost; not like I would ever take her back. Would you ever take back someone who obviously cared so little about you? True... but in my case my ex did care about me. I know that for sure through her actions. I think she felt I didn't care back so she BU with me. And she didn't see that I do care, but at times I wasn't able to show it always. The hardest part I learned about myself is the nice loving romantic guy inside of.. he never came out. It's like like when I see the girl i love crying I should be hugging her and comforting her and kissing her tears and telling her the sweetest things ever... and yet when I had the chance at times.. NOTHING came out.. or just a shrug came out. And I don't know why... maybe it's true as someone said earlier.. maybe I didn't love her? why else would I not be able to comfort her properly? Feel like a failure for once.
Author Gingerxr2 Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 You should be glad that you're not with such an extremely callous person anymore. Sounds like they have a chip on their shoulder. You crave her acceptance, we all crave what we can't/don't have. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out what my ex was thinking. Then I realized who cares. Only thing I want from her is an apology and for her to admit she fu**ed up so I can get an ego boost; not like I would ever take her back. Would you ever take back someone who obviously cared so little about you? My diagnosis of your ex, is that she was a narcissist. Only a narcissist -- who is devoid of any empathy -- would actually be so cold and unflinching in the face of someone's misery , especially when that someone happens to be their partner... I sympathize with you, given my own experiences with someone like that , who lacked empathy. I also sympathize with your loss, given that it is very likely that my dad has cancer (found out yesterday). *hugs* Know that there are people out there (even strangers) who care and sympathize, and are willing to listen, offer advice and support. As for what makes us love them in the first place? I don't think it's a conscious decision , or that it tells us anything about ourselves. There are some who claim that people who love messed up people like that, have problems themselves. Sure, in some cases that might be the case, but I never considered myself to have problems of the sort that would make me attached to an emotionally unavailable and narcissistic man.. I am not emotionally unavailable myself, nor am I looking for excuses not to commit.. (I want a LTR and , ultimately, children).. I think it just happens that we fell in love with them before they showed their true colours. I was willing to accept who he was -- I was not expecting him to be a perfect human being -- as long as he treated me with respect and showed some intimacy and love, but he was incapable of any of that. My expectations weren't high. Far from it. They were really LOW. THose things I expected from him, are GIVENS in any normal relationship, and they are not even half of what normal relationships are characterized by.... In fact, I think I suffer from difficulties in making any demands, which was made worse by the fact that my ex was a narcissist who was so self-centred and saw even the tiniest expectation (let alone a voiced demand) as neediness, etc. Everything had to be about HIS needs.. In the end, I wasn't good enough for him. I was good enough when he could use me and abuse me, but I was starting to break down... so he discarded me. I was no longer of any use to him. Sigh. Ah well. Chalk this one up to inexperience or naivete, and move on, and stop caring about people who do not care about you. I have done this with some "friends", and I am doing it now with my ex. It will take time, but the damage can be undone, I think. What's funny is I just researched that online , and it's scary how correct you are !! Today is another day to mark off the list , then her birthday , then I'm home free , I'll keep telling myself that , and one day I might believe it !! Like her friend told me the other week , she's just moved on !
Sparkly24 Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Hi Ginger! Im sorry you are going through a hard time at the moment. I have a similar experience to yourself, mine was about 8 years ago and I was 15 years old when she got sick. My experience is that any bf's I have ever had did not lose a parent and even though they tried they always seemed to feel pretty helpless about what to say to me or how to make me feel better at times when I felt sad about her. I didnt mind because I sort of had that a lot growing up. People dont really know what to say when they find out you dont have a mum, and it makes them feel awkward, which makes me feel awkward. It might be that this gf of yours was very uncomfortable with what you were going through and she could not relate to it in any way. I get the impression that she snapped because her inability to be a part of your pain might have made her feel that she was no longer part of the attention after a while? I dont mean to sound hurtful but I dont think she would remember the exact day, if she had reacted the way she did. You need to be not thinking about her too, you need to be concentrating on either being single and focusing on yourself, or finding someone who is amazing and who will really be there for you. x
Author Gingerxr2 Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 Hi Ginger! Im sorry you are going through a hard time at the moment. I have a similar experience to yourself, mine was about 8 years ago and I was 15 years old when she got sick. My experience is that any bf's I have ever had did not lose a parent and even though they tried they always seemed to feel pretty helpless about what to say to me or how to make me feel better at times when I felt sad about her. I didnt mind because I sort of had that a lot growing up. People dont really know what to say when they find out you dont have a mum, and it makes them feel awkward, which makes me feel awkward. It might be that this gf of yours was very uncomfortable with what you were going through and she could not relate to it in any way. I get the impression that she snapped because her inability to be a part of your pain might have made her feel that she was no longer part of the attention after a while? I dont mean to sound hurtful but I dont think she would remember the exact day, if she had reacted the way she did. You need to be not thinking about her too, you need to be concentrating on either being single and focusing on yourself, or finding someone who is amazing and who will really be there for you. x I understand what your saying , I'm on here to try and redirect my attention from thinking about her and trying to think about bring single , it's working really . I totally forgot it would been our 6th year anniversary 3 days ago I guess it's some sort of progress , as for finding another relationship , ha I seem some what invisible ATM x
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